Never Too Young to Die (1986)

A top secret Agent is murdered, so his estranged son, a high school gymnast, teams up with his dad's attractive female partner to stop the psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader who killed him, and now plans a major terrorist attack.

Director:

Gil Bettman

Writers:

Steven Paul (story), Stuart Paul (story)

Stars:

John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons

Cast

Cast overview, first billed only:
John Stamos	...	Lance Stargrove
Vanity	...	Danja Deering
Gene Simmons	...	Carruthers / Velvet Von Ragner
George Lazenby	...	Drew Stargrove
Peter Kwong	...	Cliff
Ed Brock	...	Pyramid
John Anderson	...	Arliss
Robert Englund	...	Riley
Tara Buckman	...	Sacrificed Punkette
Curtis Taylor	...	Barton
Jon Greene	...	Coach Madsen
Tim Colceri	...	Grady
John Miranda	...	Mr. Wilder
Patrick Wright	...	Exploding Biker
Gary Kasper	...	Wrestler (as Gary F. Kasper)

Storyline

Velvet Von Ragner is a powerful murderous psychopathic gang leader, but also a hermaphrodite who prides himself of being both a man and a woman. He's holding a gang rally where he announces his plans to poison the water supply and pipeline of a major US city. However, top US secret agent and double O counterpart Drew Stargrove steals a key component he needs to pull this off. After an action packed shoot out, Stargrove is surrounded and although he puts up a good fight, he's eventually killed by Von Ragner. However, the component is not on him. Meanwhile, his estranged son Lance, a talented high school gymnast, receives the word of his father's death. As part of their denial protocol, the government claims that he's been killed in a car accident, which Lance doesn't buy. Lance notices that part of his inheritance is a farm he never knew his father had, so he goes there to check it out. The only person living there turns out to be Danja Deering, a beautiful female spy, who worked with ...

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Plot Keywords:

hermaphrodite | gymnast | roommate | excrement on face | gay slur | 

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Taglines:

At the age of 18, every government agency wanted him... dead or alive.

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Genres:

Action | Adventure | Comedy | Drama

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Certificate:

R

Details

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Release Date:

17 July 1986 (West Germany)

Also Known As:

Lance - Stirb niemals jung

Filming Locations:

Fort MacArthur, San Pedro, Los Angeles, California, USA

Box Office

Budget:

$3,000,000 (estimated)

Company Credits

Production Co:

Paul Entertainment

Technical Specs

Runtime:

97 min

Sound Mix:

Dolby

Color:

Color (Metrocolor)

Aspect Ratio:

1.78 : 1

Did You Know?

Trivia

Whenever a fan compliments Gene Simmons on this movie, he's been known to respond, "You are too kind. I sucked in that movie."

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Quotes

Velvet Von Ragnar: [Ragnar has captured Drew after killing the spy's partner] ... A program disk was stolen from me, Stargrove. I believe you've got it.
Drew Stargrove: Come on. This is stupid.
Velvet Von Ragnar: You're right. It's VERY stupid. Assuming, of course, you want to see your son.
Drew Stargrove: What kind of designer-drug are you on? How is Lance mixed up in all this?
Velvet Von Ragnar: You know, oddly enough, I wasn't sure he WAS... until now.
Drew Stargrove: Lance doesn't have a clue about my work!
Velvet Von Ragnar: Nor did his mother, but that didn't save her.
Drew Stargrove: You're threatening to KILL Lance!
Velvet Von Ragnar: I'm not ...
[...]

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Connections

Referenced in Best of the Worst: Bloody Birthday, Crazy Fat Ethel II, and Psycho from Texas (2013)

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Soundtracks

I'LL FIND YOU
Performed by Minor Messages
Produced by Iren Koster, Chip Taylor, Ralph Lane
Written by Chip Taylor, Ralph Lane, Michael Kingsley, and Iren Koster
1986 Paul Music

User Reviews

Another entry in the "see it to believe it" genre.

Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons), a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity), just one of dads' "associates".

This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.

Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60), Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role), Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"), Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part), Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"), Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"), and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.

Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.

Five out of 10.