Howard the Duck (1986)
[Together in bed, Beverly seducing Howard]
Howard T. Duck: [flustered] I've got a headache...
Beverly: And I've got the aspirin!
Howard T. Duck: Be gentle.
Beverly: I was worried about you. I missed you.
Howard T. Duck: Well, sex appeal. Some guys got it - and some guys don't.
Howard T. Duck: We've got a saying on my planet. If God intended us to fly, he wouldn't have taken away our wings.
Beverly: You got some place to go?
Howard T. Duck: Hey, if I had some place to go I certainly wouldn't be in 'Cleve-Land'.
Beverly: I don't know where you are now, but I hope you're happier there. This world didn't treat you very good, but you saved it, didn't you?
Dr. Jenning: It feels like something inside me, gnawing at my guts... what's wrong with me?
Beverly: Well... what did you have for lunch?
Howard T. Duck: I've given up trying to assimilate. I've got to get back to my own kind!
[notices Beverly's behind as he watches her crawl across the top of her bed in her underwear]
Howard T. Duck: Althoooooough... I HAVE developed a greater appreciation for the female version of the human anatomy... ARROOOOO!
Beverly: Howard, you really are the worst!
Howard T. Duck: He-he!
Beverly: Come on, let's watch David Letterman. Come on!
[Pats the bed]
Howard T. Duck: Okie-dookie.
Howard T. Duck: Bev, I am not a real sentimental guy.
Beverly: No. I bet you were born from a very hard-boiled egg, Duckie.
[Howard has escaped]
Lieutenant Welker: How the hell am I gonna explain a manhunt for a duck?
Officer Hanson: It's a duck hunt.
Lieutenant Welker: Ah, yes, please don't, don't, don't start, please, please...
State Trooper: I wanna see your license, "Jack"!
Dr. Jenning: [as the Dark Overlord] I have no license. I am *not* Jack.
[electrocutes state trooper]
Dr. Jenning: [setting fire to the diner] If you can't take the heat, get out of that kitchen!
[Howard and Phil have landed in a pond]
Howard T. Duck: Philsy, help! Philsy, help me!
Phil Blumburtt: Never heard of a duck that couldn't swim.
Howard T. Duck: Shut up and save me!
Howard T. Duck: Every duck has his limit, and you scum have pushed me over the line!
[Howard is being strip-searched]
Howard T. Duck: On my planet, we never say die, we say... NOT MY SHORTS! You perverts!
Beverly: Put him down! Howard may be a duck, but you people are animals! He's my boyfriend!
3rd Trucker: That's disgusting!
Beverly: You don't make me proud to be a human!
Dr. Jenning: In the lab that night, we saw a single feather fall. We weren't aware that the rest of you, Howard, had landed in that alley just two miles away. Any questions?
Howard T. Duck: Yeah. Where are my pants?
Howard T. Duck: No duck is an island. And if fate sent me here to save Earth, then Howard the Duck is ready to fight!
Phil Blumburtt: [working on the ultralight] Did you find the toolbox?
Howard T. Duck: Yeah, I know why you want a toolbox - you got a screw loose.
[Phil Blumburtt hangs into the sea from the bottom of a flying machine as Howard's driving]
Howard T. Duck: This is no time for watersports!
Howard T. Duck: What is this place?
Beverly: Uh... Cleveland?
Howard T. Duck: Cleve-Land? U-huh. That's a perfect weird name for this planet.
[Jenning has almost crashed into a diner]
Howard T. Duck: You think that's funny, Jenning?
Dr. Jenning: I'm not Jenning anymore! The transformation is complete. I am now... someone else.
Howard T. Duck: Try telling that to your insurance company.
Beverly: I'm sorry I'm so nervous. It's just that I've never been around a... Um, I mean, I've never even had any pets or anything, you know. They seem like such a hassle - you know, feeding 'em, cleaning up their little poo-poos, and...
Howard T. Duck: I'll try to be careful.
Howard T. Duck: I can't believe this planet. Fried eggs - yuck!
Dr. Jenning: [at the diner, as the Dark Overlord] I have disguised my true form, which would be considered... hideous and revolting, here.
Beverly: Lucky for the people eating.
Waitress: You know, hostility is like psychic boomerang.
Hostess: I'm sorry, we don't allow pets on the premises.
Howard T. Duck: Hey! Have a heart! Seeing-eye duck.
Howard T. Duck: It's not nice to fool with the dark overlords!
Skin Head: [notices Howard] I've been doing too much toot!
Howard T. Duck: [to Bev] Of all the alleys in the world I could have fallen into that night, why did it have to be yours?
Beverly: Excuse me, are you in charge here?
Lieutenant Welker: Yeah, why?
Beverly: Well, I want to know why they're harassing Howard.
Lieutenant Welker: Who's Howard?
Beverly: He had nothing to do with it. Howard, Howard is just an innocent, um...
Lieutenant Welker: "Thing"?
Beverly: No. Duck.
Lieutenant Welker: Just an innocent duck?
Lieutenant Welker: [to Officer Hanson] No wonder why I'm asking for early retirement.
Lieutenant Welker: [to Howard] You are gonna go play sitting duck in a jail cell.
Officer Hanson: Lieutenant - what's the charge, sir?
Lieutenant Welker: Illegal alien!
Dr. Jenning: I told you, bird-brain, I am not Jenning anymore! I am now one of the Dark Overlords of the Universe.
Beverly: Hmm, Dark Overlord of the Universe?
Howard T. Duck: That must be quite a responsibility.
[the mob is trying to slaughter Howard]
Howard T. Duck: Jenning! They're seasoning me!
[the diner has turned into turmoil]
Dr. Jenning: [as the Dark Overlord] An evil unlike any you can imagine is about to engulf the Earth.
Waitress: Oh, no, no, we are fighting here all the time.
Dr. Jenning: The world is in great danger.
Howard T. Duck: Yeah, it certainly is when *you're* out on the highway.
Dr. Jenning: You are about to make history a second time, my little friend.
Howard T. Duck: Thanks. But once was plenty.
Phil Blumburtt: Howard, in prehistoric times you flew. Fly, Howard! Find your instincts, trust your birdness, FLY!
Dr. Jenning: It was just a routine procedure, meant to measure the density of the gases that surround Alpha Centauri. However, partway through the experiment, there was a deviation, and, uh... we lost control of the laser spectroscope.
Howard T. Duck: What do you mean, "lost control"?
Dr. Jenning: Some unknown force was redirecting the laser beam from its original target, so that it hit your planet instead.
Howard T. Duck: Hit my planet? How about 'hit my living room'? Talk about an invasion of privacy!
Cora Mae, Job Placement Counselor: [to Howard] I gotta feelin', you gonna take to this job like a duck to water. Ha! Ha! Ha-ha! Ha!
Beverly: I just can't seem to find the right man.
Howard T. Duck: Maybe it's not a man you should be looking for.
Beverly: Ah, you think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, Duckie?
Howard T. Duck: Like they say, Doll, love's strange. We could always give it a try.
Beverly: Okay, let's go for it Mr. Macho.
Beverly: [to Howard as they lie in bed together] I just can't resist your intense animal magnetism.
[the feathers on the top of Howard's head stick straight up]
Beverly: [Picks up a handful of feathers] What's this in my bed?
Howard T. Duck: Ah, souvenirs?
Beverly: I'm gonna miss you a lot, Duckie.
[Howard, Beverly and Dr. Jenning (aka The Dark Overlord) enter the diner]
Hostess: [to waiter] This is why I hate the night shift.
Postcard: Dear Howard, Having a miserable vacation. I miss you - I miss your bill pressed against mine. Flying home soon. Love, Michelle
"Breeders - Lost Stork" Movie Poster: Indiana Drake - the new hero from the creators of BEAKS and FOWL WARS... coming to Duckworld this Summer.
Wendy: [Message left on answering machine] Hi. It's Wendy. I had this really intense dream last night, Howie. I was running my fingers through your feathers and all of the sudden, oh, well, you better come over tonight and I'll show you what really happened next. Ciao for now, Howie.
Football Player: [In a TV Commercial] Why not take a shot of new Shorts Blaster? It's guaranteed to wipe out feather fungus in even the most active crotches.
Beverly: Listen, would you like something to eat or drink? Milk? I could put it in a bowl?
Howard T. Duck: Doll, I don't drink out of bowls. Do you gotta beer?
Phil Blumburtt: I've already got a theory.
Beverly: What theory?
Phil Blumburtt: Well, this is, of course, the evolutionary ladder showing how man progressed from monkey to me, for instance.
Howard T. Duck: You consider that progress? Jeez, you're all hairless apes? That's really disgusting.
Phil Blumburtt: Now, I want you both to imagine, somewhere in the universe, is Howard's world. Picture it, in your mind, a world almost exactly like ours except the progenitor of the dominant species was not a monkey - but, a duck!
Howard T. Duck: Sound theory. Every school duck knows this stuff!
Beverly: If that's the way you want it! Then, so long, Duckie!
Howard T. Duck: Don't shed any tears over me, Toots!
Howard T. Duck: Dammit! I can't sit here on my tail feathers, feeling sorry for myself. I've got to think about practical matters. Food. Shelter. A job!
Nightclub Owner: Here's the money, for the girls.
Ginger Moss, Beverly's Manager: I'll make sure they get it.
Nightclub Owner: Yeah, I'll bet! When?
Ginger Moss, Beverly's Manager: When? When bodacious Beverly stops holdin' out on me. I'm gonna invite her up to my place tonight for a little career manipulation.
Phil Blumburtt: Hi, sorry I missed the show. I came to watch you undress though and I brought a pizza.
Beverly: You play pretty good.
Howard T. Duck: I had a group in high school: Howard and the Heartbreakers.
Beverly: Oh, heavy, Howard. Very heavy. Maybe you should be our manager. Wait a second. Maybe you're just the kind of bizarro influence we need!
Carter: This relationship - it defies all the laws of nature.
Howard T. Duck: On my planet, we never say die - we say kill!
Howard T. Duck: Aren't you going to see me off?
Beverly: Sure I am. I just hope they let you take a carry-on bag. Look, I'm gonna put in these polaroids that we took at the club.
Beverly: Okay. Alright. Turn me into a dark overlord. I'll still spit in your wormy face!
Waitress: [after the waitress brings the "Specials", Howard lets out a cry and is horrified] You ordered your specials, what's wrong?
Dr. Jenning: [Dr. Jenning posessed by a dark overlord] This will mean the extinction of all existing lifeforms.
Waitress: You haven't even tasted it yet
Howard T. Duck: What do you think, I'm into cannibalism or something?
Waitress: Hey, are we like all in the same discussion here?
Howard T. Duck: I'll give you a hint doll, what's white, all boiled and always remind me of my birthday?
Waitress: I don't know.
Howard T. Duck: The eggs, get em outta here.
Phil Blumburtt: [With Beverly in tow, a depressed Howard exits the museum where Phil works] ... Beverly! Howard, wait! Come on, don't flutter off in a huff. Listen, I've got some important matters to clean up here...
Dr. Chapin: [from back in the museum] Blumburtt! Did you hear what I said?
Phil Blumburtt: ...I'll call you tonight.
Dr. Chapin: Blumburtt, I want you back in here! Now!
Phil Blumburtt: I'll figure out a way to help Howard, I swear. Just don't show him to anybody else...
Howard T. Duck: I understand, Phil; it's the thought that counts...
[notices a young couple on the street]
Howard T. Duck: ... They look hungry; get 'em a banana.
Phil Blumburtt: Hide him, Beverly! Take him to a movie or something!
Howard T. Duck: That sounds like an idea. What's playing?
Beverly: Look, Howard, I didn't know where else to go for help.
Howard T. Duck: Your hand still beats mine; I'm not sure where to go, period.
Dr. Chapin: BLUMBURTT! WHERE ARE YOU? INSIDE!
Phil Blumburtt: Coming, coming!
Beverly: Howard, are you sure you're okay?
Howard T. Duck: Of course; why shouldn't I be? I only got blasted jillions of miles through space, ended up on another planet, and was just given an IQ test by a janitor. Hasn't everybody had at least one day like that?
Beverly: Look, you may be trapped in a world you never made; but, to put it philosophically, who isn't? Heck, *I* didn't make this world either. If I had, my whole career wouldn't be falling apart.
Howard T. Duck: ...Touche, Bev. How's this for a deal: I fix your career, you fix my life. Sound fair?
[several children laughingly rush Howard, with their Teacher in tow]
Teacher: Look at this wonderful exhibit!
Howard T. Duck: EXHIBIT? Nice. For a minute, I thought you were gonna call me a freak or an outcast... like in *The Elephant Duck*! Now THERE was a downer.
Teacher: It's so lifelike and realistic.
Howard T. Duck: I cannot begin to tell you how right-at-home that makes me feel.
Howard T. Duck: [Holding Dr Jenning's hand, who is posessed as a dark overlord] Ahh, not so tight, what are you doing falling in love?
Dr. Jenning: [Possessed by the dark overlord] I am not Jenning anymore.
Howard T. Duck: [after the aliens have been banished to their own dimension, Howard imitates Jenning, pretending to be possessed] I am not Howard anymore.