- Ferris: Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
- Ed Rooney: Ed Rooney.
- Cameron: [disguising voice as George Peterson] Ed. This is George Peterson.
- Ed Rooney: How are you today, sir?
- Cameron: [voice disguised] Well, we've had a bit of bad luck this morning as you may have heard.
- Ed Rooney: Yeah I heard, and man, I'm all broken up, boy, what a blow.
- Cameron: [disguised] Yeah. Yeah. Well, uh, it's been a tough morning and we got a lot of family business to take care of, so if you wouldn't mind excusing Sloane, I'd appreciate it.
- Ed Rooney: Uh, yeah, sure, no I'd be happy to, yeah you, uh, you you just produce a corpse, and uh, I'll release Sloane. I wanna see this dead grandmother first hand.
- Grace: Ed?
- Ed Rooney: It's alright, Grace, it's Ferris Bueller the little twerp. I'm gonna set a trap and let him fall right in it.
- Grace: Ooh!
- Cameron: [disguised] I'm sorry, Ed, did you say you wanted to see a body?
- Ed Rooney: Yeah, that's right, just, uh, roll her old bones on over here, and I'll dig up your daughter. You know that's school policy.
- Cameron: [disguised] Oh.
- Ed Rooney: Was this your mother?
- Cameron: [disguised] Uh, no my wife's mother.
- Grace: [picks up ringing phone] Ed Rooney's office.
- Ferris: Hi this is Ferris Bueller, can I speak to Mr. Rooney please? Thank you.
- Grace: [caught off-guard] Uh... hold.
- Ed Rooney: Tell ya what, dipshit. If you don't like my policies you can come on down here and smooch my big ole' white butt.
- Grace: ED!
- Ed Rooney: Pucker up butter-cup.
- [to Grace]
- Ed Rooney: What?
- Grace: Ferris Bueller's on line 2.
- Grace: Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude.
- Ferris: Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work.
- Ferris: Pardon my French, but Cameron is so tight that if you stuck a lump of coal up his ass, in two weeks you'd have a diamond.
- Boy in Police Station: Drugs?
- Jeannie: Thank you, no. I'm straight.
- Boy in Police Station: I meant, are you in here for drugs?
- Jeannie: Why are you here?
- Boy in Police Station: Drugs.
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: Why'd you kick me?
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: Why'd you kick me?
- Ferris: Where's your brain?
- Cameron: I asked you first.
- Ferris: How can we pick up Sloane if Rooney is there with her?
- Cameron: I said for her to be there alone and you freaked.
- Ferris: Now, I didn't hit you. I lightly slapped you.
- Cameron: You hit me. Look don't make me participate in your stupid crap if you don't like the way I do it. You make me get out of bed, you make me come over here. You make me make a phony phone call to Edward Rooney? The man could squash my nuts into oblivion. And-and-and then, and then, you deliberately hurt my feelings.
- [Cameron doesn't want to go out, but Ferris keeps calling]
- Cameron: He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me until I come over. He'll make me feel guilty. This is uh... This is ridiculous, ok I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. What - I'LL GO. Shit.
- Ferris: Not that I condone fascism, or any -ism for that matter. -Ism's in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus. I'd still have to bum rides off people.
- Economics Teacher: Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?
- Simone: Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious.
- Economics Teacher: Thank you, Simone.
- Simone: No problem whatsoever.
- Economics Teacher: Frye? Frye? Frye?
- [after hearing Jeannie describe her problems...]
- Boy in Police Station: There's someone you should talk to.
- Jeannie: If you say Ferris Bueller, you lose a testicle.
- Boy in Police Station: Oh, you know him?
- Ferris: [his recorded message for the doorbell] Who is it?
- [pause]
- Ferris: Oh, I'm sorry. I can't come to the door right now. I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences. You can reach my parents at their places of business. Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate your concern for my well-being. Have a nice day!
- [a baseball game is on television]
- Ed Rooney: What's the score?
- Pizza Joint Owner: Nothin' nothin'.
- Ed Rooney: [not really listening] Who's winning?
- Pizza Joint Owner: The Bears.
- Cameron: I am not going to sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand. I'm going to defend it. Right or wrong, I'm going to defend it.
- Katie Bueller: I just picked up Jeannie at the police station! She got a speeding ticket, another speeding ticket, and I lost the Vermont deal because of her!
- Tom Bueller: I think we should shoot her.
- [calling the police]
- Jeannie: Look, this is not a phony phone call. There is an intruder - male, Caucasian, possibly armed, certainly weird - in my kitchen. Yeah. My-my - my name is Bueller...
- [pause]
- Jeannie: Look, it's real nice that you hope my brother is feeling better, but I'm in danger, okay? I am very cute, I am very alone, and I am very protective of my body. I do not want it violated or killed, all right? I need - help! Speaka de English? Dick-head!
- Ferris: The key to faking out the parents is the clammy hands. It's a good non-specific symptom; I'm a big believer in it. A lot of people will tell you that a good phony fever is a dead lock, but, uh... you get a nervous mother, you could wind up in a doctor's office. That's worse than school. You fake a stomach cramp, and when you're bent over, moaning and wailing, you lick your palms. It's a little childish and stupid, but then, so is high school.
- Garage Attendant: You fellas have nothing to worry about. I'm a professional.
- Cameron: A professional what?
- Singing Nurse: I heard that you were feeling ill. Headache, fever, and a chill. I came to help restore your pluck, cause I'm the nurse who likes to...
- [Ferris kisses Sloan passionately while posing as her father]
- Ed Rooney: So THAT's how it is in their family...
- Ferris: [describing Cameron's house] The place is like a museum. It's very beautiful and very cold, and you're not allowed to touch anything.
- Ferris: I do have a test today, that wasn't bullshit. It's on European socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European. I don't plan on being European. So who gives a crap if they're socialists? They could be fascist anarchists, it still doesn't change the fact that I don't own a car.
- [sings into shower head a verse from Wayne Newton's "Danke Schoen"]
- Ferris: I recall Central Park in Fall, how you tore your dress, what a mess, I confess...
- Economics Teacher: In 1930, the Republican-controlled House of Representatives, in an effort to alleviate the effects of the... Anyone? Anyone?... the Great Depression, passed the... Anyone? Anyone? The tariff bill? The Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act? Which, anyone? Raised or lowered?... raised tariffs, in an effort to collect more revenue for the federal government. Did it work? Anyone? Anyone know the effects? It did not work, and the United States sank deeper into the Great Depression. Today we have a similar debate over this. Anyone know what this is? Class? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone seen this before? The Laffer Curve. Anyone know what this says? It says that at this point on the revenue curve, you will get exactly the same amount of revenue as at this point. This is very controversial. Does anyone know what Vice President Bush called this in 1980? Anyone? Something-d-o-o economics. "Voodoo" economics.
- Shermerite: [a student is walking around with a can collecting money] Save Ferris? Save Ferris?
- [Solicits Jeannie]
- Shermerite: Save Ferris?
- Jeannie: Excuse me?
- Shermerite: Well, a group of us are collecting money to buy Ferris Bueller a new kidney. They run about 50 g's, so if you wouldn't mind helping out...
- Jeannie: Go piss up a flagpole.
- Shermerite: I'm sorry?
- Jeannie: You should be.
- [Knocks the can out of his hand]
- Shermerite: You heartless wench!
- [hearing a fake phone message]
- Sloane: [crying on machine] We can't come to the phone right now. We've had a... death in the family.
- Ed Rooney: Grace, Ferris Bueller is behind this. There is no doubt in my mind, and now, he's got Sloane Peterson involved in this thing.
- Grace: Her grandmother, too.
- Ed Rooney: You pinhead.
- Sloane: [sobbing] If you need to reach us, we'll be at the following number...
- [sobbing becomes hysterical and over the top]
- [Ferris has snuck aboard a parade float]
- Ferris: Ladies and gentlemen, you are such a wonderful crowd, we'd like to play a little tune for you. It's one of my personal favorites and I'd like to dedicate it to a young man who doesn't think he's seen anything good today - Cameron Frye, this one's for you.
- Cameron: [screams]
- Sloane: Ferris! Get off of the float!
- [On the phone]
- Ed Rooney: Are you also aware, Mrs. Bueller, that Ferris does not have what we consider to be an exemplary attendance record?
- Katie Bueller: I don't understand.
- Ed Rooney: He has missed an unacceptable number of school days. In the opinion of this educator, Ferris is not taking his academic growth seriously. Now I've spent my morning examining his records. If Ferris thinks that he can just coast through this month and still graduate, he is sorely mistaken. I have no reservations whatsoever about holding him back another year.
- Katie Bueller: This is all news to me.
- Ed Rooney: It usually is. So far this semester he has been absent nine times.
- Katie Bueller: Nine times?
- Ed Rooney: Nine times.
- Katie Bueller: I don't remember him being sick nine times.
- Ed Rooney: That's probably because he wasn't sick. He was skipping school. Wake up and smell the coffee, Mrs. Bueller. It's a fool's paradise. He is just leading you down the primrose path.
- Katie Bueller: I can't believe it.
- Ed Rooney: I've got it right here in front of me. He has missed nine days...
- [His computer screen begins counting down from nine to two. Ferris is at home looking at the same screen]
- Ferris: I asked for a car, I got a computer. How's that for being born under a bad sign?
- Ed Rooney: I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed punk leave my cheese out in the wind.
- Ferris: [to the camera, after tricking his parents into believing he's sick] Incredible, one of the worst performances of my career and they never doubted it for a second.
- [opens blinds to reveal a beautiful spring day]
- Ferris: How can I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?
- [begins fiddling with electronics to fake his voice]
- Ferris: This is my ninth sick day this semester. It's pretty tough coming up with new illnesses. If I go for ten, I'm probably going to have to barf up a lung, so I better make this one count.
Contribute to this page
Suggest an edit or add missing content
