Drôles d'espions (1985)
Quotes
Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours?
Russian Interregator #2: Yours.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn!
Ace Tomato Agent: Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi?
[Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Did you hear that?
Austin Millbarge: Yeah. It's a dickfer.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfer?
Austin Millbarge: To pee with.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguayans here?
[subtle laugh]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Imhaus: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Imhaus exits]
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Dr. Marston: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Marston exits]
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Karen Boyer: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [amorously] Doctor!
[Boyer exits]
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Austin Millbarge: Doctor.
Jerry Hadley: Doctor.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Doctor.
[Hadley exits]
Austin Millbarge: We're not doctors!
Captain Hefling: [Talking about an encrypted transmission from the Chinese] That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin Chinese.
Austin Millbarge: The Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-square-digit key transposed in boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this...
[Holds up a kid's cipher disk]
Captain Hefling: A drogan's decoder wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kids.
Austin Millbarge: Yeah, I found it in a box of "lucky charms".
Captain Hefling: Break it down again with the machines!
Austin Millbarge: I already did.
[Shows him the decoded message]
Captain Hefling: Well... Then clean up your desk!
Keyes: By your actions, sir, you are risking the future of the human race!
General Sline: To guarantee the American way of life, I'm willing to take that risk.
General Sline: When we commissioned the Schmectel Corporation to research this precise event sequence scenario, it was determined that the continual stockpiling and development of our nuclear arsenal was becoming self-defeating. A weapon unused is a useless weapon.
Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school.
[Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Austin Millbarge: For God's sake, show some balls!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.
Col. Rhumbus: It is my job to evaluate your character types.
[looking at his clipboard]
Col. Rhumbus: I have finished my evaluations.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What does it say?
Austin Millbarge: [glancing at the clipboard] Pussies.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?
Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think?
Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying?
Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?
Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?
Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine!
Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a whiz?
Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly]
Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor: You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No... not now.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What did she say?
Austin Millbarge: She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Tell her so do we.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [catches a live grenade] Hey! What's this?
Austin Millbarge: You don't want it!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [stands up and casually throws the grenade back]
Austin Millbarge: They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [to Karen] You a - want to go out with a bang?
Karen Boyer: I beg your pardon?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It was just an idea.
Karen Boyer: You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, its not such a bad idea.
Austin Millbarge: Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.
[There is a war cry in the distance]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Was that me?
Russian Interregator #1: Why are you here?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?
[soldier slaps him]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.
Austin Millbarge: These are the Yusufzai. They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're our allies!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh! We're Americans!
[Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume]
Austin Millbarge: We need a plan.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead.
[Arguing surgical techniques]
Austin Millbarge: We mock what we don't understand.
Austin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays
Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.
Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!
[Fitz-Hume smashes terminal]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken.
Austin Millbarge: Bring it here.
[Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal]
Austin Millbarge: Not the rock.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [trying to buy time by making something up] All right! All right, I'm an American agent!
Russian Interregator #2: And...?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!
Russian Interregator #2: [to the other interregator] I knew it! Pay up, comrade!
Russian Interregator #1: [unimpressed] Let's cut his fingers off anyway.
Karen Boyer: When you walked into this tent, it was the most exciting moment of my life.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [smiles] Well, you just wait.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, what are you saying? That they're Spies Like Us?
Austin Millbarge: They're spies - but, not necessarily on our side.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's our duty as American operatives to follow her and find out what she's up to.
Austin Millbarge: You just want to follow her.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: No.
Austin Millbarge: You're thinkin' with your dick!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why are you still hitting me? He's going to cut my fingers off!
Russian Interregator #2: You have 30 seconds.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: You're not going to start humming the theme to Jeopardy are you?
Austin Millbarge: No wonder neither of you could do that appendix operation. You're Spies Like Us!
Karen Boyer: You mean you're...
Austin Millbarge: Austin Milbarge. I'm a GLG-20.
Karen Boyer: Gentlemen, I think you both should realize the gravity of this moment. I've spent the last two-and-a-half years of my life preparing for this penetration.
Austin Millbarge: I think we can recall it.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you mean recall it? You mean, like a defective Pinto?
Austin Millbarge: [selects a Trivial Pursuit card] Comrade, okay, what Little Richard song was the title of a 1950s movie starring Jayne Mansfield?
Russian Rocket Crew #1: Guud Golly, Miss Molly?
Russian Rocket Crew #2: Great Balls of Fire?
Austin Millbarge: Wrong! It was "The Girl Can't Help It."
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Sorry! You lose.
Karen Boyer: Eastern Europe?
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Eastern Europe.
Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now.
[Surrounded by Ninja warriors]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Alright. Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...
[Shows a picture from his wallet]
Emmett Fitz-Hume: This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [in celebration after saving the human race] ... Can I borrow your tent?
Austin Millbarge: [while rescuing Fitz-Hume] You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Feet!
Austin Millbarge: Hat!
Emmett Fitz-Hume: So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the ahhh... stool samples!
Karen Boyer: You might think I'm silly to worship you the way I do; but, in my estimation - you're a genius.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, I think genius is a pretty strong word; but, if you insist on using it - I can handle it.
Austin Millbarge: And now, the first incision. - - - And now, I will incise...
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Cut the sucker!
Austin Millbarge: They aren't doctors.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you mean?
Austin Millbarge: That metal case she was packing on her horse.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Well, what about it?
Austin Millbarge: It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a sophisticated woman.
Austin Millbarge: It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!
Austin Millbarge: Listen, Fitz-Hume is in the custody of the Tajik Highway Patrol because of you.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: Okay, Dostoevsky, what does it say?
Austin Millbarge: It says: approach SS-50, source programmable rocket.
General Miegs: Release Full Pulse.
General Sline: I'm sure it'll only be a matter of minutes before the President commits the total release.
Edwin Newman: Mr. Emmett Fitz-Hume, chief State Department negotiator, here at the disarmament talks, reentering what he has called the "delicately balanced" negotiations.
Emmett Fitz-Hume: [walks in the test room with a broken arm and a patch over his eye] ... I'm sorry I'm late. I had to attend the reading of a will.
