Spies Like Us (1985)

Chevy Chase: Emmett Fitz-Hume

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Russian Interregator #2 : Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Mine or yours?

  Russian Interregator #2 : Yours.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Damn!

• [Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Did you hear that?

  Austin Millbarge : Yeah. It's a dickfer.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What's a dickfer?

  Austin Millbarge : To pee with.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Are there any Paraguayans here?

  [subtle laugh] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, of course, their requests for subsidies was not Paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?

• Dr. Imhaus : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Dr. Imhaus : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Imhaus exits] 

  Dr. Marston : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Dr. Marston : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Marston exits] 

  Karen Boyer : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Karen Boyer : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [amorously]  Doctor!

  [Boyer exits] 

  Jerry Hadley : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Jerry Hadley : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Hadley exits] 

  Austin Millbarge : We're not doctors!

• Austin Millbarge : They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It got me through high school.

• [Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors] 

  Austin Millbarge : For God's sake, show some balls!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : I think it's too late to try and impress them.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : What's she saying?

  Austin Millbarge : H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?

• [There is a war cry in the distance] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Was that me?

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean?

  Test Monitor : Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What do you think?

• Austin Millbarge : I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

  Austin Millbarge : So, isn't now one of those times?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No.

  Austin Millbarge : You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No, I'm fine!

  Austin Millbarge : Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : I gotta take a whiz?

  Austin Millbarge : [Nods triumphantly] 

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : I'm sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end, and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm.

• Col. Rhumbus : It is my job to evaluate your character types.

  [looking at his clipboard] 

  Col. Rhumbus : I have finished my evaluations.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What does it say?

  Austin Millbarge : [glancing at the clipboard]  Pussies.

• Austin Millbarge : They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [to Karen]  You a - want to go out with a bang?

  Karen Boyer : I beg your pardon?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It was just an idea.

  Karen Boyer : You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, its not such a bad idea.

• Russian Interregator #1 : Why are you here?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre?

  [soldier slaps him] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Owww... and let that be a lesson to you.

• Austin Millbarge : [Listening to faint music]  It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

• Alice, Fitz-Hume's Supervisor : You're not going to give me some bullshit that you're dying, are you?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No... not now.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : What did she say?

  Austin Millbarge : She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Tell her so do we.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : [catches a live grenade]  Hey! What's this?

  Austin Millbarge : You don't want it!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [stands up and casually throws the grenade back] 

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Why are you still hitting me? He's going to cut my fingers off!

  Russian Interregator #2 : You have 30 seconds.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : You're not going to start humming the theme to Jeopardy are you?

• Austin Millbarge : These are the Yusufzai. They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're our allies!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Oh! We're Americans!

• [Surrounded by Ninja warriors] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Alright. Stop right there... and I'll bring back the sun. Okay...

  [Shows a picture from his wallet] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : This is my sister. You can all have her. I hear she's very good.

• Austin Millbarge : Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

  [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It's broken.

  Austin Millbarge : Bring it here.

  [Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal] 

  Austin Millbarge : Not the rock.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : [trying to buy time by making something up]  All right! All right, I'm an American agent!

  Russian Interregator #2 : And...?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : And? And... uhh... they... they sent me here t-to assassinate your Premier!

  Russian Interregator #2 : [to the other interregator]  I knew it! Pay up, comrade!

  Russian Interregator #1 : [unimpressed]  Let's cut his fingers off anyway.

• Karen Boyer : You might think I'm silly to worship you the way I do; but, in my estimation - you're a genius.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, I think genius is a pretty strong word; but, if you insist on using it - I can handle it.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, what are you saying? That they're Spies Like Us?

  Austin Millbarge : They're spies - but, not necessarily on our side.

• Austin Millbarge : I think we can recall it.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What do you mean recall it? You mean, like a defective Pinto?

• Austin Millbarge : [selects a Trivial Pursuit card]  Comrade, okay, what Little Richard song was the title of a 1950s movie starring Jayne Mansfield?

  Russian Rocket Crew #1 : Guud Golly, Miss Molly?

  Russian Rocket Crew #2 : Great Balls of Fire?

  Austin Millbarge : Wrong! It was "The Girl Can't Help It."

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Sorry! You lose.

  Karen Boyer : Eastern Europe?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Eastern Europe.

• [Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume] 

  Austin Millbarge : We need a plan.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Let's play dead.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Feet!

  Austin Millbarge : Hat!

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : So thanks for the bruises and you can keep the ahhh... stool samples!

• Karen Boyer : When you walked into this tent, it was the most exciting moment of my life.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [smiles]  Well, you just wait.

• Austin Millbarge : They aren't doctors.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What do you mean?

  Austin Millbarge : That metal case she was packing on her horse.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, what about it?

  Austin Millbarge : It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : So, she's a sophisticated woman.

  Austin Millbarge : It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : I think it's our duty as American operatives to follow her and find out what she's up to.

  Austin Millbarge : You just want to follow her.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No.

  Austin Millbarge : You're thinkin' with your dick!

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : [walks in the test room with a broken arm and a patch over his eye]  ... I'm sorry I'm late. I had to attend the reading of a will.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : [in celebration after saving the human race]  ... Can I borrow your tent?

• Austin Millbarge : And now, the first incision. - - - And now, I will incise...

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Cut the sucker!

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Okay, Dostoevsky, what does it say?

  Austin Millbarge : It says: approach SS-50, source programmable rocket.