- Colonel Mustard: Just checking.
- Mrs. Peacock: Everything all right?
- Colonel Mustard: Yep. Two corpses. Everything's fine.
- Wadsworth: You *were* jealous that your husband was schtupping Yvette. That's why you killed him, too!
- Mrs. White: Yes. Yes, I did it. I killed Yvette. I hated her, so much...
- [stammers]
- Mrs. White: it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breaths... Heathing...
- Wadsworth: Professor Plum, you were once a professor of psychiatry specializing in helping paranoid and homicidal lunatics suffering from delusions of grandeur.
- Professor Plum: Yes, but now I work for the United Nations.
- Wadsworth: So your work has not changed.
- Colonel Mustard: Wadsworth, am I right in thinking there's nobody else in this house?
- Wadsworth: Um... no.
- Colonel Mustard: Then there is someone else in this house?
- Wadsworth: Sorry, I said "no" meaning "yes."
- Colonel Mustard: "No" meaning "yes?" Look, I want a straight answer, is there someone else, or isn't there, yes, or no?
- Wadsworth: No.
- Colonel Mustard: No there is, or no there isn't?
- Wadsworth: Yes.
- Mrs. White: [shatters glass] PLEASE!
- Mr. Green: So it was you. I was going to expose you.
- Wadsworth: I know. So I choose to expose myself.
- Colonel Mustard: Please, there are ladies present!
- Wadsworth: The game's up, Scarlet. There are no more bullets left in that gun.
- Miss Scarlet: Oh, come on, you don't think I'm gonna fall for that old trick?
- Wadsworth: It's not a trick. There was one shot at Mr. Boddy in the Study; two for the chandelier; two at the Lounge door and one for the singing telegram.
- Miss Scarlet: That's not six.
- Wadsworth: One plus two plus two plus one.
- Miss Scarlet: Uh-uh, there was only one shot that got the chandelier. That's one plus two plus *one* plus one.
- Wadsworth: Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one.
- Miss Scarlet: Okay, fine. One plus two plus one... Shut up! The point is, there is one bullet left in this gun and guess who's gonna get it!
- Wadsworth: I can explain everything.
- Cop: You don't have to.
- Wadsworth: I don't?
- Cop: Don't worry, there's nothing illegal about any of this.
- Wadsworth: Are you sure?
- Cop: Of course, this is America.
- Wadsworth: I see.
- Cop: It's a free country, don't you know that?
- Wadsworth: I didn't know it was *that* free.
- Professor Plum: What are you afraid of, a fate worse than death?
- Mrs. Peacock: No, just death, isn't that enough?
- Miss Scarlet: I hardly think it will enhance your reputation at the U.N. Professor Plum, if it's revealed that you have been implicated not only in adultery with one of your patients, but in her death and the deaths of five other people.
- Professor Plum: You don't know what kind of people they have at the U.N., I might go up in their estimation.
- [last lines]
- Mr. Green: They all did it. But if you wanna know who killed Mr. Boddy, I did. In the hall. With the revolver. Okay, Chief, take 'em away. I'm gonna go home and sleep with my wife.
- Wadsworth: The key is gone!
- Professor Plum: Never mind about the key, unlock the door!
- [smacks Mr.Green on the shoulder]
- Mr. Green: [grabs Professor Plum by the collar, throttling him] I CAN'T UNLOCK THE DOOR WITHOUT THE KEY!
- [releasing Plum, Mr. Green rattles doorknob]
- Mr. Green: LET US IN! LET US IN!
- Colonel Mustard, Miss Scarlet: [on other side of locked door] LET US OUT! LET US OUT!
- Colonel Mustard: How many husbands have you had?
- Mrs. White: Mine or other women's?
- Colonel Mustard: Yours.
- Mrs. White: Five.
- Colonel Mustard: Five?
- Mrs. White: Yes, just the five. Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong and disposable.
- Colonel Mustard: You lure men to their deaths like a spider with flies.
- Mrs. White: Flies are where men are most vulnerable.
- Colonel Mustard: Right!
- Wadsworth: [shouting] That's what we're trying to find out! We're trying to find out *who* killed him, and *where*, and with *what*!
- Professor Plum: There's no need to shout!
- Wadsworth: [shouting louder] I'm not shouting!
- [Guests stare at him pointedly]
- Wadsworth: [shouting] All right, I am! I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shout...
- [candlestick falls from above and hits him on the head]
- Miss Scarlet: Maybe there is life after death.
- Mrs. White: Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage!
- Colonel Mustard: This is war, Peacock. Casualties are inevitable. You can not make an omelet without breaking eggs, every cook will tell you that.
- Mrs. Peacock: But look what happened to the cook!
- Wadsworth: ...and to make a long story short...
- Miss Scarlet, Mrs. White, Colonel Mustard, Mrs. Peacock, Mr. Green, Colonel Mustard: Too late!
- Wadsworth: Mrs. White, you've been paying our friend, the blackmailer, ever since your husband died under, shall we say, mysterious circumstances?
- Miss Scarlet: Ah!
- [laughs]
- Mrs. White: Why is that funny?
- Miss Scarlet: I see! That's why he was lying on his back, in his coffin.
- Mrs. White: I didn't kill him.
- Colonel Mustard: Then why are you paying the blackmailer?
- Mrs. White: I dont want a scandal, do I? We had had a very humiliating public confrontation. He was deranged. He was
- [points to head]
- Mrs. White: a lunatic! He didn't actually seem to like me very much; he had threatened to kill me in public.
- Miss Scarlet: Why would he wanna kill you in public?
- Wadsworth: I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.
- [rolls eyes]
- Miss Scarlet: Oh. Was that his final word on the matter?
- Mrs. White: Being killed is pretty final, wouldn't you say?
- Wadsworth: And yet, he was the one who died, not you, Mrs. White, not you!
- Miss Scarlet: What did he do for a living?
- Mrs. White: He was a scientist, nuclear physics.
- Miss Scarlet: What was he like?
- Mrs. White: He was always a rather stupidly optimistic man. I mean, I'm afraid it came as a great shock to hime when he died, but, he was found dead at home. His head had been cut off, and so had his, uh... you *know*.
- [Colonel Mustard, Professor Plum, and Mr. Green cross legs]
- Mrs. White: I had been out all evening at the movies.
- Miss Scarlet: Do you miss him?
- Mrs. White: Well, it's a matter of life after death. Now that he's dead, I have a life.
- Wadsworth: But, he was your second husband. Your first husband also disappeared.
- Mrs. White: But that was his job. He was an illusionist.
- Wadsworth: But he never reappeared!
- Mrs. White: [admittedly] He wasn't a very good illusionist.
- Mrs. Peacock: Well, someone's got to break the ice, and it might as well be me. I mean, I'm used to being a hostess, it's part of my husband's work. And it's always difficult when a group of new friends meet together for the first time, to get acquainted. So I'm perfectly prepared to start the ball rolling. I mean, I-I have absolutely no idea what we're doing here. Or what I'm doing here, or what this place is about, but I am determined to enjoy myself. And I'm very intrigued, and, oh my, this soup's delicious, isn't it?
- Mr. Green: [to Miss Scarlet] So, how did you know Colonel Mustard works in Washington? Is he one of your clients?
- Colonel Mustard: Certainly not!
- Mr. Green: I was asking Miss Scarlet.
- Colonel Mustard: [to Miss Scarlet] Well, you tell him it's not true.
- Miss Scarlet: It's not true.
- Professor Plum: [to Miss Scarlet] Is that true?
- Miss Scarlet: No, it's not true.
- Mr. Green: Ah ha! So it is true!
- Wadsworth: A double negative!
- Colonel Mustard: A double negative?
- [whispering]
- Colonel Mustard: You mean you have photographs?
- Wadsworth: That sounds like a confession to me. In fact the double negative has led to proof positive. I'm afraid you gave yourself away.
- Colonel Mustard: [angry, to Wadsworth] Are you trying to make me look stupid in front of the other guests?
- Wadsworth: You don't need any help from me, sir.
- Colonel Mustard: That's right!
- Cop: [listening to caller on phone] Ah, would you hold on, please?
- [Walks over to locked door, rattling the knob and banging on door]
- Cop: Let me outta here! Let me outta here! You have no right to shut me in! I'll book you for false arrest, and wrongful imprisonment, and obstructing an officer in the course of his duty... and MURDER!
- Wadsworth: [Wadsworth opens the door, feigning innocence, while other guests gather around] What do you mean... murder?
- Cop: I just said it so you would open the door.
- [other guests laugh]
- Cop: What's going on around here? And why would you lock me in? And why are you receiving phone calls from J. Edgar Hoover?
- Wadsworth: J. Edgar Hoover?
- Cop: That's right! The head of the Federal Bureau of Investigation!
- Colonel Mustard: Why is J. Edgar Hoover on your phone?
- Wadsworth: I don't know, he's on everybody else's, why shouldn't he be on mine?
- Yvette: But it is dark upstairs and I am frightened of the dark. Will anyone go with me?
- Professor Plum: I will!
- Colonel Mustard: I will!
- Mr. Green: No, thank you.
- Mrs. Peacock: What are you all staring at?
- Mr. Green: Nothing.
- Mrs. Peacock: Well who's there?
- Colonel Mustard: Nobody.
- Mrs. Peacock: What do you mean?
- Wadsworth: Nobody. No body, that's what we mean. Mr. Boddy's body, it's gone.
- Mrs. White: Maybe he wasn't dead.
- Professor Plum: He was!
- Mrs. White: We should've made sure.
- Mrs. Peacock: How?
- [muttering]
- Mrs. Peacock: By cutting his head off, I suppose.
- Mrs. White: That was uncalled for!
- Wadsworth: I suggest we take the cook's body into the study.
- Colonel Mustard: Why?
- Wadsworth: I'm the butler, I like to keep the kitchen tidy.
- Mrs. White: [after Mr. Green shoots Wadsworth] Are you a cop?
- Mr. Green: No, I'm a plant.
- Miss Scarlet: A plant? I thought men like you were usually called a fruit.
- Mr. Green: Very funny. FBI. That phone call from J. Edgar Hoover was for me.
- [opens the door]
- Mr. Green: Told you I didn't do it!
- Professor Plum: What is your top-secret job, Colonel?
- Wadsworth: I can tell you. He's working on the secret of the next fusion bomb.
- Colonel Mustard: How did you know that?
- Wadsworth: Can you keep a secret?
- Colonel Mustard: Yes...
- Wadsworth: So can I.
- Mrs. White: [after Mrs. Peacock swears that the reason she's being blackmailed is a vicious lie] Well, I am willing to believe you. I, too, am being blackmailed for something I didn't do.
- Mr. Green: Me too.
- Colonel Mustard: And me.
- Miss Scarlet: Not me.
- Wadsworth: [surprised] You're *not* being blackmailed?
- Miss Scarlet: Oh, I'm being blackmailed all right, but I did what I'm being blackmailed for.
- Mr. Green: What did you do?
- Miss Scarlet: Well, to be perfectly frank, I run a specialized hotel and a telephone service which provides gentlemen with the company of a young lady, for a short while.
- Professor Plum: Oh yeah?
- [pulls out pen and a pad of paper]
- Professor Plum: What's the phone number?
- The Chief: Good evening. Have you ever given any thought to the kingdom of heaven?
- Mrs. Peacock: What?
- The Chief: Repent. The kingdom of heaven is at hand.
- Miss Scarlet: You ain't just whistlin' Dixie.
- The Chief: Armageddon is almost upon us.
- Professor Plum: I got news for you - it's already here.
- Mrs. Peacock: Go away.
- The Chief: But your souls are in danger.
- Mrs. Peacock: Our lives are in danger, you beatnik.
- Professor Plum: And what was your role in all this?
- Wadsworth: I was a victim, too. At least my wife was. She had friends who were
- [on the verge of tears]
- Wadsworth: Socialists.
- [all gasp, Mrs. Peacock is the loudest]
- Wadsworth: [starts to cry] Well, we all make mistakes.
- [Mrs. White approaches Wadsworth and hands him a handkerchief]
- Wadsworth: But, Mr. Boddy threatened to give my wife's name to the House Un-American Activities Committee unless she named them. She refused, and so he blackmailed her. We had no money, and the price of his silence was that we worked for him for nothing. We were slaves. Well, to make a long story short...
- Colonel Mustard: Too late.
- Wadsworth: "Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do and die."
- Professor Plum: Die?
- Wadsworth: Merely quoting, sir, from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.
- Colonel Mustard: Hm, I prefer Kipling, myself. "The female of the species is more deadly than the male." You like Kipling, Miss Scarlet?
- [offers her a tray]
- Miss Scarlet: [takes food off the tray] Sure, I'll eat anything.
- Mr. Green: Who would wanna kill the cook?
- Miss Scarlet: Dinner wasn't that bad.
- Colonel Mustard: How can you make jokes at a time like this?
- Miss Scarlet: It's my defense mechanism.
- Colonel Mustard: Some defense. If I was the killer, I would kill you next.
- Miss Scarlet: Oh?
- [Everyone looks at Colonel Mustard]
- Colonel Mustard: I said, "if". *If*!
- Mrs. White: [Smashes glass on fireplace] PLEASE! Don't you think we should get that man out of the house before he finds out what's been going on here!
- [Drops thre rest of the glass with a crash]
- Miss Scarlet: Yeah!
- Professor Plum: How can we throw him outside in this weather?
- Miss Scarlet: If we let him stay in the house, he may get suspicious!
- Professor Plum: If we throw him out, he may get even more suspicious!
- Colonel Mustard: If I were him, I'd be suspicious already!
- Mrs. Peacock: [hysterical] Oh, who cares? That guy doesn't matter! Let him stay locked up for another half an hour. The police will be here by then... and there are two dead bodies in the study!
- All: Shhhhhhhhhhh!
- Miss Scarlet: It should be just off there.
- Professor Plum: That must be it!
- Miss Scarlet: [they see their destination as lightning splits the sky over Hill House, giving it an ominous cast. The car engine stops] Why has the car stopped?
- Professor Plum: It's frightened.
- Professor Plum: Is there gonna be a cover up?
- Wadsworth: Isn't that in the public interest? What could be gained by exposure?
- Professor Plum: But is the FBI in the habit of cleaning up after a multiple murder?
- Wadsworth: Yes. Why do you think it's run by a man called Hoover?
- Colonel Mustard: Is this place for you?
- Wadsworth: Indeed no, sir. I'm merely a humble butler.
- Colonel Mustard: What exactly do you do?
- Wadsworth: I buttle, sir.
- Colonel Mustard: Which means what?
- Wadsworth: The butler is head of the kitchen and dining room. I keep everything tidy.
- Mr. Green: [gets up in front of everyone] I have something to say. I'm not going to wait for Wadsworth here to unmask me. I work for the State Department, and I'm a homosexual.
- [pause]
- Mr. Green: I feel no personal shame or guilt about this, but I must keep it a secret, or I will lose my job on security grounds.
- [pause]
- Mr. Green: Thank you.
- Colonel Mustard: What room's this?
- Miss Scarlet: Search me.
- Colonel Mustard: All right.
- [he starts to frisk her]
- Miss Scarlet: Get your mitts off me.
- [Cop sniffs the motorist, who is dead]
- Cop: This man's drunk. Dead drunk.
- Miss Scarlet: Dead right!
- Cop: [to the motorist] You're not gonna drive home, are you?
- Professor Plum: He won't be driving home, officer, I promise you that!
- Miss Scarlet: No.
- Cop: Somebody will give him a lift, huh?
- Miss Scarlet: Oh, we'll- we'll- we'll get him a car!
- Professor Plum: A long black car!
- Miss Scarlet: [lightly jabbing him in the stomach] A limousine!
- Colonel Mustard: [both insistent] Well, there is still some confusion as to whether or not there is anybody else in this house!
- Wadsworth: I told you, there isn't.
- Colonel Mustard: There isn't any confusion, or there isn't anybody else?
- Wadsworth: Either! Or both.
- Colonel Mustard: Just give me a clear answer!
- Wadsworth: Certainly!
- [clears throat]
- Wadsworth: What was the question?
- Colonel Mustard: [shouting] Is there anybody else in this house?
- All: [shouting] No!
- [doorbell rings during 'events of the evening']
- Mrs. Peacock: Oh, who ever it is, they gotta go away or they'll be killed.
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