This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
David St. Hubbins: I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian Faith: I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
Derek Smalls: Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
Nigel Tufnel: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...
Marty DiBergi: Oh, I see. And most amps go up to ten?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly.
Marty DiBergi: Does that mean it's louder? Is it any louder?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, it's one louder, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most blokes, you know, will be playing at ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar. Where can you go from there? Where?
Marty DiBergi: I don't know.
Nigel Tufnel: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?
Marty DiBergi: Put it up to eleven.
Nigel Tufnel: Eleven. Exactly. One louder.
Marty DiBergi: Why don't you just make ten louder and make ten be the top number and make that a little louder?
Nigel Tufnel: [pause] These go to eleven.
[Nigel is playing a soft piece on the piano]
Marty DiBergi: It's very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I've been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It's a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It's part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I'm working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don't know why.
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really. It's sort of...
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".
Nigel Tufnel: It's like, how much more black could this be? and the answer is none. None more black.
[When asked what happened to their first drummer]
David St. Hubbins: He died in a bizarre gardening accident...
Nigel Tufnel: Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.
Marty DiBergi: David St. Hubbins... I must admit I've never heard anybody with that name.
David St. Hubbins: It's an unusual name, well, he was an unusual saint, he's not a very well known saint.
Marty DiBergi: Oh, there actually is, uh... there was a Saint Hubbins?
David St. Hubbins: That's right, yes.
Marty DiBergi: What was he the saint of?
David St. Hubbins: He was the patron saint of quality footwear.
[Reading a review of Spinal Tap's latest album]
Marty DiBergi: "This pretentious ponderous collection of religious rock psalms is enough to prompt the question, 'What day did the Lord create Spinal Tap, and couldn't he have rested on that day too?'"
Marty DiBergi: "This tasteless cover is a good indication of the lack of musical invention within. The musical growth of this band cannot even be charted. They are treading water in a sea of retarded sexuality and bad poetry."
Nigel Tufnel: That's just nitpicking, isn't it?
Ian Faith: Nigel gave me a drawing that said 18 inches. Now, whether or not he knows the difference between feet and inches is not my problem. I do what I'm told.
David St. Hubbins: But you're not as confused as him are you. I mean, it's not your job to be as confused as Nigel.
Marty DiBergi: Now, during the Flower People period, who was your drummer?
David St. Hubbins: Stumpy's replacement, Peter James Bond. He also died in mysterious circumstances. We were playing a, uh...
Nigel Tufnel: ...Festival.
David St. Hubbins: Jazz blues festival. Where was that?
Nigel Tufnel: Blues jazz, really.
Derek Smalls: Blues jazz festival. Misnamed.
Nigel Tufnel: It was in the Isle of, uh...
David St. Hubbins: Isle of Lucy. The Isle of Lucy jazz and blues festival.
Nigel Tufnel: And, uh, it was tragic, really. He exploded on stage.
Derek Smalls: Just like that.
David St. Hubbins: He just went up.
Nigel Tufnel: He just was like a flash of green light... And that was it. Nothing was left.
David St. Hubbins: Look at his face.
Nigel Tufnel: Well, there was...
David St. Hubbins: It's true, this really did happen.
Nigel Tufnel: It's true. There was a little green globule on his drum seat.
David St. Hubbins: Like a stain, really.
Nigel Tufnel: It was more of a stain than a globule, actually.
David St. Hubbins: You know, several, you know, dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
[discussing Nigel's Guitar collection]
Nigel Tufnel: Look... still has the old tag on, never even played it.
Marty DiBergi: [points his finger] You've never played...?
Nigel Tufnel: Don't touch it!
Marty DiBergi: We'll I wasn't going to touch it, I was just pointing at it.
Nigel Tufnel: Well... don't point! It can't be played.
Marty DiBergi: Don't point, okay. Can I look at it?
Nigel Tufnel: No. no. That's it, you've seen enough of that one.
Derek Smalls: We're very lucky in the band in that we have two visionaries, David and Nigel, they're like poets, like Shelley and Byron. They're two distinct types of visionaries, it's like fire and ice, basically. I feel my role in the band is to be somewhere in the middle of that, kind of like lukewarm water.
Nigel Tufnel: [on what he would do if he couldn't be a rock star] Well, I suppose I could, uh, work in a shop of some kind, or... or do, uh, freelance, uh, selling of some sort of, uh, product. You know...
Marty DiBergi: A salesman?
Nigel Tufnel: A salesman, like maybe in a, uh, haberdasher, or maybe like a, uh, um... a chapeau shop or something. You know, like, "Would you... what size do you wear, sir?" And then you answer me.
Marty DiBergi: Uh... seven and a quarter.
Nigel Tufnel: "I think we have that." See, something like that I could do.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah... you think you'd be happy doing something like-...
Nigel Tufnel: "No; we're all out. Do you wear black?" See, that sort of thing I think I could probably... muster up.
Marty DiBergi: Do you think you'd be happy doing that?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, I don't know - wh-wh-... what're the hours?
Nigel Tufnel: [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniture bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...
Ian Faith: You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel Tufnel: Exactly. I don't under stand how...
Ian Faith: [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.
Nigel Tufnel: [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...
Ian Faith: No, not the bread.
[folding the meat]
Ian Faith: You could fold the meat...
Nigel Tufnel: [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...
Ian Faith: [putting the folded meat onto the miniture bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?
Nigel Tufnel: [folding the miniture sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...
Ian Faith: Why would you keep folding it?
Nigel Tufnel: ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have
[holds up miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel: ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...
[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]
Nigel Tufnel: ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...
Ian Faith: Because it hangs out like that?
Nigel Tufnel: Look! would you be holding this?
Ian Faith: No. I wouldn't want to eat...
Nigel Tufnel: No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.
[throws down miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel: And now we move onto this...
[picks up an olive]
Nigel Tufnel: Look, look; who's in here? No one.
[picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]
Nigel Tufnel: And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!
Ian Faith: Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...
Nigel Tufnel: Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.
Ian Faith: I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel Tufnel: It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.
Ian Faith: The Boston gig has been cancelled...
David St. Hubbins: What?
Ian Faith: Yeah. I wouldn't worry about it though, it's not a big college town.
David St. Hubbins: It's such a fine line between stupid, and uh...
Nigel Tufnel: Clever.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah, and clever.
[reading a review of the album "Shark Sandwich"]
Marty DiBergi: The review you had on "Shark Sandwich", which was merely a two word review, just said "Shit Sandwich".
Bobbi Flekman: You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?
Ian Faith: This is *1982*, Bobbi, c'mon!
Bobbi Flekman: That's *right*, it's 1982! Get out of the '60s. We don't have this mentality anymore.
Ian Faith: Well, you should have seen the cover they *wanted* to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.
Lt. Hookstratten: This is our monthly "At Ease" weekend. It gives us a chance to let our hair down, although I see you've got a head start in that department. I shouldn't talk, though, I'm getting a little shaggy myself. I'd better not stand too close to you, people might think I'm part of the band. I'm joking, of course.
[Nigel Tufnel is showing Marty DiBergi one of his favorite guitars]
Nigel Tufnel: The sustain, listen to it.
Marty DiBergi: I don't hear anything.
Nigel Tufnel: Well you would though, if it were playing.
David St. Hubbins: I believe virtually everything I read, and I think that is what makes me more of a selective human than someone who doesn't believe anything.
[Marty compliments Nigel on his tee shirt]
Nigel Tufnel: You like this?
Marty DiBergi: It's very nice. It looks like hollow wood.
Nigel Tufnel: This is my exact inner structure, done in a tee shirt. Exactly medically accurate. See?
Marty DiBergi: So in other words if we were to take all your flesh and blood...
Nigel Tufnel: Take them off. This is what you'd see.
Marty DiBergi: It wouldn't be green though.
[Nigel points at Marty]
Nigel Tufnel: It is green. You see how your blood looks blue.
Marty DiBergi: Yeah, well that's just the vein. That's the color of the vein. The blood is actually red.
Nigel Tufnel: Oh then, maybe it's not green. Anyway this is what I sleep in sometimes.
Marty DiBergi: Hello; my name is Marty DiBergi. I'm a filmmaker. I make a lot of commercials. That little dog that chases the covered wagon underneath the sink? That was mine. In 1966, I went down to Greenwich Village, New York City to a rock club called Electric Banana. Don't look for it; it's not there anymore. But that night, I heard a band that for me redefined the word "rock and roll". I remember being knocked out by their... their exuberance, their raw power - and their punctuality. That band was Britain's now-legendary Spinal Tap. Seventeen years and fifteen albums later, Spinal Tap is still going strong. And they've earned a distinguished place in rock history as one of England's loudest bands. So in the late fall of 1982, when I heard that Tap was releasing a new album called "Smell the Glove", and was planning their first tour of the United States in almost six years to promote that album, well needless to say I jumped at the chance to make the documentary - the, if you will, "rockumentary" - that you're about to see. I wanted to capture the... the sights, the sounds... the smells of a hard-working rock band, on the road. And I got that; I got more... a lot more. But hey, enough of my yakkin'; whaddaya say? Let's boogie!
[Nigel, introducing the Stonehenge theme concert]
Nigel Tufnel: In ancient times, hundreds of years before the dawn of history, an ancient race of people... the Druids. No one knows who they were or what they were doing...
David St. Hubbins: Well, I'm sure I'd feel much worse if I weren't under such heavy sedation.
Marty DiBergi: Do you feel that playing rock 'n' roll music keeps you a child? That is, keeps you in a state of arrested development?
Derek Smalls: No. No. No. I feel it's like, it's more like going, going to a, a national park or something. And there's, you know, they preserve the moose. And that's, that's my childhood up there on stage. That moose, you know.
Marty DiBergi: So when you're playing you feel like a preserved moose on stage?
Derek Smalls: Yeah.
[David raises hand after Ian Faith quits as the band's manager]
Derek Smalls: Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
David St. Hubbins: *NO*, we're not gonna fucking do "Stonehenge"!
[Asked to write his own epitaph]
David St. Hubbins: Here lies David St. Hubbins... and why not?
David St. Hubbins: We say, "Love your brother." We don't say it really, but...
Nigel Tufnel: We don't literally say it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't say it.
Nigel Tufnel: We don't really, literally mean it.
David St. Hubbins: No, we don't believe it either, but...
Nigel Tufnel: But we're not racists.
David St. Hubbins: But that message should be clear, anyway.
Nigel Tufnel: We're anything but racists.
Lt. Hookstratten: May I start by saying how thrilled we are to have you here. We are such fans of your music and all of your records. I'm not speaking of yours personally, but the whole genre of the rock and roll.
[Asked by a reporter if this is the end of Spinal Tap]
David St. Hubbins: Well, I don't really think that the end can be assessed as of itself as being the end because what does the end feel like? It's like saying when you try to extrapolate the end of the universe, you say, if the universe is indeed infinite, then how - what does that mean? How far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question to you.
Derek Smalls: We're lucky.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Derek Smalls: I mean, people should be envying us, you know.
David St. Hubbins: I envy us.
Derek Smalls: Yeah.
David St. Hubbins: I do.
Derek Smalls: Me too.
Derek Smalls: Remember at Luton Palace we were talking about writing a rock musical based on the life of Jack the Ripper.
David St. Hubbins: Yeah!
David St. Hubbins: You're a naughty one...
David St. Hubbins: You're a haughty one, saucy Jack.
Derek Smalls: That's not to say I haven't had my visionary moments. I've taken acid seventy... five, seventy-six times.
Marty DiBergi: 76?
Derek Smalls: Yeah, so I've had my moments in the sky.
Viv Savage: [when asked by Marty if he has a creed he lives by] Have... a good time... all the time.
David St. Hubbins: Dozens of people spontaneously combust each year. It's just not really widely reported.
Mick Shrimpton: As long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, I can do without the rock and roll.
David St. Hubbins: They were still booing him when we came on stage.
Nigel Tufnel: We've got Armadillos in our trousers. It's really quite frightening.
Derek Smalls: [on the phone to his solicitor] Isn't there a law against this sort of thing? Surely you can't just buy a full page ad in the music papers and publish your divorce demands.
Derek Smalls: What do you mean 'I paid for it'?
Derek Smalls: Joint account! Fuck! Can't we just have her killed? You know people.
David St. Hubbins: [singing] Big bottom, big bottom / Talk about mud flaps, my girl's got 'em!
Nigel Tufnel: [Showing Marty his Les Paul]
Nigel Tufnel: You can go have a bite and
Nigel Tufnel: you'd still be hearing that.
Jeanine Pettibone: [following the disastrous Stonehenge performance] If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight?
Ian Faith: For one thing that goes wrong... one... one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!
David St. Hubbins: [to the Janitor] We're in the group. We're in the group that's playing tonight.
Janitor: You go right straight through this door here, down the hall...
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Janitor: turn right...
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Janitor: and then there's a little jog there, about thirty feet.
Derek Smalls: A jog?
Janitor: jog to the left...
David St. Hubbins: A jog?
Derek Smalls: We don't have time for that.
Janitor: go straight ahead...
David St. Hubbins: We trust you. We trust you.
Janitor: go straight ahead, go straight ahead, turn right the next two corners, and the first door the sign "Authorized Personnel Only"...
David St. Hubbins: Yeah.
Janitor: Open that door, that's the stage!
David St. Hubbins: You think so?
Janitor: You're authorized. You're musicians aren't you?
David St. Hubbins: We've got guitars yeah.
Jeanine Pettibone: You don't do heavy metal in Dubly, you know.
[while playing a video game]
Viv Savage: Quite exciting, this computer magic!
Marty DiBergi: You two were at school together?
Nigel Tufnel: We're not university material.
David St. Hubbins: What's that on your finger?
Nigel Tufnel: It's my gum.
David St. Hubbins: What are you doing with it on your finger?
Nigel Tufnel: I might need it later.
David St. Hubbins: Put it on the table, that's terrible.
Nigel Tufnel: No, I might forget it on the table.
David St. Hubbins: [to Marty] Fucking awful, you can't take him anywhere.
[at the pre-tour party, the waiters are mime artists]
Marty DiBergi: It's such an interesting concept, mixing mime and food.
Morty the Mime: It's a kick isn't it? Well, I used to be an actor but I could never remember my lines, so I thought "just shut up", you know? Don't say nothing. And my father used to say the same thing to me every dinner time, he used to say to me "shut up and eat", so that's what we do and that's the name of the company "shut up and eat".
Nigel Tufnel: You can't fucking concentrate because your fucking wife! Simple as that, alright? It's your fucking wife!
David St. Hubbins: She's not my wife.
Nigel Tufnel: Well whatever FUCK she is, alright? You can't concentrate!
Ian Faith: They're not gonna release the album... because they have decided that the cover is sexist.
Nigel Tufnel: Well, so what? What's wrong with bein' sexy? I mean there's no...
Ian Faith: Sex-IST!
David St. Hubbins: IST!
Tommy Pischedda: Excuse me... are you reading "Yes I Can"?
Limo Groupie: Yeah, have you read it?
Tommy Pischedda: Yeah, by Sammy Davis, Jr.?
Limo Groupie: Yeah.
Tommy Pischedda: You know what the title of that book should be? "Yes, I Can If Frank Sinatra Says It's OK". 'Cause Frank calls the shots for all of those guys. Did you get to the part yet where uh... Sammy is coming out of the Copa... it's about 3 o'clock in the morning and, uh, he sees Frank? Frank's walking down Broadway by himself...
[Nigel raises the limo partition]
Tommy Pischedda: Fuckin' limeys.
Marty DiBergi: Well, you know, they're not, uh, used to that world.
Tommy Pischedda: Yeah, yeah.
Marty DiBergi: You know, Frank Sinatra, it's a different world that they're in.
Tommy Pischedda: You know, it's just that people like this... you know... they get all they want so they really don't understand, you know... about a life like Frank's. I mean, when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you, uh, you know what life's about.
Terry Ladd: Yeah, listen, we'd love to stand around and chat, but we've gotta... sit down in the lobby and wait for the limo.
Derek Smalls: Ok.
David St. Hubbins: OK. Great. Duke, great to see you. Great to see you again Terry.
Derek Smalls: We'll catch up with you on the road.
Duke Fame: Cheers.
David St. Hubbins: Duke! Great to see you. See ya. See you, Duke. Good days. Good days!
[as soon as they are out of earshot]
David St. Hubbins: Fuckin' wanker.
Nigel Tufnel: What a wanker.
David St. Hubbins: What a wanker.
Derek Smalls: Total no talent sod.
Marty DiBergi: What would you do if you couldn't play music anymore?
Mick Shrimpton: Well, as long as there's, y'know, sex and drugs, I could do without the rock & roll.
Ian Faith: Sir Denis Eton-Hogg is being knighted for founding Hogwood, a Summer Camp for Pale Young Boys...
[Derek Smalls sets off a metal detector at the airport]
Airport Security Officer: Do you have any artificial plates or limbs?
Derek Smalls: Er, not really.
Ian Faith: Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
Derek Smalls: We're taking a sophisticated view of sex...
Marty DiBergi: Down on a farm.
Derek Smalls: Yeah.
Artie Fufkin: [after nobody turns up, at an album-signing promotion] You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?
David St. Hubbins: What?
Artie Fufkin: Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that's all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I'm not asking, I'm telling with this. Kick my ass.
[at the pre-tour party one of the waiters is on his way back to the kitchen with an entire tray of food]
Morty the Mime: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah. How come you got so much here?
Mime Waiter: I don't know, they're not eating it.
Morty the Mime: Did you do the wind?
Mime Waiter: I did the wind, I did the wind.
Morty the Mime: No, you don't push the wind away, the wind comes at you. Ok change those, get the little dwarf canolies. Come on, don't talk back, mime is money, come on, move it.
Marty DiBergi: Given the history of Spinal Tap drummers, uh, in the past, do you have any fears, uh, for your life?
Mick Shrimpton: When I did join, you know, they did tell me - they kind of took me aside and said, "Well, Mick. It's, you know, it's like this..." And it did kind of freak me out a bit. But it can't always happen to every, can it? I mean, really...
Marty DiBergi: Because the law of averages...
Mick Shrimpton: ...The law of averages...
Marty DiBergi: ...Says you will survive.
Mick Shrimpton: Yeh.
David St. Hubbins: We are Spinal Tap from the UK - you must be the USA!
Ian Faith: I'm not talking to this twisted fruit anymore!
Hotel Receptionist: I'm... just as God made me, Sir.
David St. Hubbins: Can you play a bass line like Nigel used to on "Big Bottom"? Can you double that? You might recall the line's in fifths.
Viv Savage: Oh yeah, I've got two hands here.
David St. Hubbins: [talking about Nigel] I'm tired of sticking up for his intelligence.
Lt. Hookstratten: I would like to get the playing on about nineteen-hundred hours, if that's satisfactory.
Derek Smalls: When would that be?
Lt. Hookstratten: I make it now it's about eighteen-hundred and thirty hours.
Derek Smalls: So that's what, 50 hours?
David St. Hubbins: 120 hours?
Lt. Hookstratten: That's actually 30 minutes. About a half-hour. Give or take just a few minutes. I don't want to rush you.
Marty DiBergi: Do you have any sort of creed or philosophy that you live by?
Viv Savage: Have... a good... time... all the time. That's my philosophy, Marty.
Ian Faith: I've got a small piece of bad news.
Mick Shrimpton: For a change!
Ian Faith: We're cancelled here.
Derek Smalls: At the hotel?
Ian Faith: No. The gig is cancelled.
Mick Shrimpton: Fuck.
Ian Faith: It say's "Memphis show cancelled due to lack of advertising funds."
Limo Driver: Fucking Limeys...
Derek Smalls: [from DVD commentary, about Marty DiBergi] He doesn't look Italian, does he?
Nigel Tufnel: I think his real last name is DiBergarmo.
David St. Hubbins: No!
Derek Smalls: No, his real last name is DiBergowitz.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah! DiBergowitz.
David St. Hubbins: No! He's like one of those...
Derek Smalls: Yeah, he is one of those. Check it out: DiBergowitz!