This Is Spinal Tap (1984)
Tony Hendra: Ian Faith
David St. Hubbins : I do not, for one, think that the problem was that the band was down. I think that the problem *may* have been, that there was a Stonehenge monument on the stage that was in danger of being *crushed* by a *dwarf*. Alright? That tended to understate the hugeness of the object.
Ian Faith : I really think you're just making much too big a thing out of it.
Derek Smalls : Making a big thing out of it would have been a good idea.
Nigel Tufnel : [about the back-stage buffet] Look, this. This miniture bread, it like... I've been working with this now for about half an hour and i can't figure out... let's say I wanted a bite, right. You got this...
Ian Faith : You'd like bigger bread?
Nigel Tufnel : Exactly. I don't under stand how...
Ian Faith : [gestures to the meat] You could just fold this... though.
Nigel Tufnel : [folding the bread] Well, no... then it's half the size...
Ian Faith : No, not the bread.
[folding the meat]
Ian Faith : You could fold the meat...
Nigel Tufnel : [still folding the bread] Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this...
Ian Faith : [putting the folded meat onto the miniture bread] No, no, no... you put it on the bread like this; see?
Nigel Tufnel : [folding the miniture sandwich] But if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking...
Ian Faith : Why would you keep folding it?
Nigel Tufnel : ...and then everything has to be folded... and then you have
[holds up miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel : ... this. And I don't want this. I want large bread, so I can put this...
[puts meat between two pieces of miniature bread]
Nigel Tufnel : ... so then it's like this. But this doesn't work, because then it's all...
Ian Faith : Because it hangs out like that?
Nigel Tufnel : Look! would you be holding this?
Ian Faith : No. I wouldn't want to eat...
Nigel Tufnel : No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A.
[throws down miniture sandwich]
Nigel Tufnel : And now we move onto this...
[picks up an olive]
Nigel Tufnel : Look, look; who's in here? No one.
[picks up an olive stuffed with pimento]
Nigel Tufnel : And in here, there's a little guy, look! So, it's a complete catastrophe!
Ian Faith : Alright, Nigel, Nigel... calm down...
Nigel Tufnel : Look... no, it's no big deal, It's a joke... it's really... it's a joke.
Ian Faith : I'm sorry, it's just some prat at university, you know? I really... I don't want it to affect your performance.
Nigel Tufnel : It's not going to affect my performance, don't worry about that. I just hate it... it really, it does disturb me, but i'll rise above it; I'm a professional.
Bobbi Flekman : You put a *greased naked woman* on all fours with a dog collar around her neck, and a leash, and a man's arm extended out up to here, holding onto the leash, and pushing a black glove in her face to sniff it. You don't find that offensive? You don't find that sexist?
Ian Faith : This is *1982*, Bobbi, c'mon!
Bobbi Flekman : That's *right*, it's 1982! Get out of the '60s. We don't have this mentality anymore.
Ian Faith : Well, you should have seen the cover they *wanted* to do! It wasn't a glove, believe me.
Jeanine Pettibone : [following the disastrous Stonehenge performance] If it got solved, that would be alright, but it doesn't get solved. I mean what do you think happened out there? What got solved tonight?
Ian Faith : For one thing that goes wrong... one... one single thing that goes wrong, a hundred things go right. Do you know what I spend my time doing? I sleep two or three hours a night. There's no sex and drugs for Ian, David. Do you know what I do? I find lost luggage. I locate mandolin strings in the middle of Austin!
Ian Faith : Sir Denis Eton-Hogg is being knighted for founding Hogwood, a Summer Camp for Pale Young Boys...
Ian Faith : Certainly, in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
Ian Faith : Fuck the napkin!
Ian Faith : I'm not talking to this twisted fruit anymore!
Hotel Receptionist : I'm... just as God made me, Sir.
Ian Faith : You know what? I quit!