Axel: [Jason's hand falls on Axel and Nurse Morgan] Jesus Christmas! Holy Jesus! Goddamn! Holy Jesus jumping Christmas shit!
Sara: I'm going upstairs.
Doug: Are you tired?
Sara: Do you mind sleeping in the bottom bunk tonight?
Doug: Why, you wanna sleep in the top?
Jimmy: Hey, Ted, where's... where's that, uh, that corkscrew? That fancy corkscrew for the wine bottle? Ted? Hey! Ted! Ted! Hey, Ted, where the hell is the corkscrew?
[Jason shoves it into Jimmy's hand]
Trish: [in the house with Jason] Tommy! Tommy, get the hell outta here!
[Jason appears. Trish then holds him off with the machete]
Trish: You son of a bitch! I'll give ya something to remember us by.
Axel: [Nurse Morgan starts to leave] Hey, hey. Where you going?
Nurse Morgan: I'll tell you where I'm going! I'm going crazy!
Jimmy: [shows Tina's panties] Why don't you run this through your computer, Teddy Bear?
Ted: Hey, congratulations, Jimbo.
Jimmy: He thinks that's funny. He thinks that's a funny thing he's doing.
Samantha: Come on, Sara. Strip and dip.
Sara: Sam, I said no.
Samantha: Well then, I'm gonna go under and stay under until you do.
Nurse Morgan: Axel, you are the Super Bowl of self-abuse!
[Rob nearly attacks Trish by mistake]
Rob: What the hell are you doing here?
Trish: What are you trying to do, kill me?
Axel: I'm free, doll.
Nurse Morgan: And a bargain at twice the price.
Axel: Hey. What's the matter?
Nurse Morgan: I have a headache, Axel. For you, I always have a headache.
Axel: Oh, I can fix that. Meet me in the cold room. I'm closing up for the night. What do you say? Okay?
Nurse Morgan: Axel, I am not going to fake any more orgasms for you.
Officer Jamison: [on TV news] But to answer your question, yes, the man responsible for the murders in Wessex County this past week is at this moment in the Wessex County Medical Center morgue.
Axel: [to Jason's body] Hey. That's you they're talking about on TV, pal.
Mrs. Jarvis: Someone left the front door open again.
Tommy: We're in the country.
Mrs. Jarvis: Well, what happens if a psycho wanders in?
Trish: He'd probably challenge him to a game of Zaxxon.
Doctor: [to Trish] Under extreme duress, people are capable of extraordinary behavior. That's what happened when your brother violently attacked the killer. At that moment, it was perfectly normal for him to act to protect himself.
Rob: Jason's body has disappeared from the morgue.
Trish: It was stolen.
Rob: It was not stolen. Two people at the hospital are missing. Is this coincidence? He's alive.
Vincent: [looks at Jason's body] This the guy that's been leaving the wet stuff?
Officer Jamison: Yeah. This time he got seven kids and three bikers. This time they got him.
Sara: I don't know how you do it.
Samantha: I don't know how you don't.
Sara: I mean... you do it with everybody.
Samantha: Oh, I do not. I do it with Paul.
Samantha: Come on, Sara. I mean, you know how guys are. They lie about that all the time. They say that about everybody.
Sara: They don't say anything about me. I mean, I don't have...
Samantha: Ah ha ha... a reputation?
Sara: I didn't say that.
Samantha: Look, I got my reputation in the 6th grade.
Sara: What does Paul think?
Samantha: Paul thinks I'm great in bed, so that's where I keep him.
Ted: You broke up with "BJ" Betty?
Jimmy: So to speak. And would you lay off her? She's all right!
Ted: I'll say she's all right. That girl wanted to be treated right! You should have treated her *right*!
Jimmy: I did! I treated her right! I treated her right, that's what's driving me so crazy. I mean, first she would tell me to call because she had something else she needed to do. Then she wouldn't even take my calls! I mean, can you figure that? What the fuck happened?
Ted: Let me put it into the ol' computer.
Jimmy: No, Ted, I'm serious.
Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie. Let's see...
[imitates using a computer, pauses, then smiles]
Ted: It says... it says you're a dead fuck.
Jimmy: What? A dead fuck?
Ted: A lousy lay, you know...
[limps his wrist]
Ted: A limp dick.
Jimmy: Oh! Don't hold back on me, doc, give it to me straight!
Ted: I did not say it; the computer did!
Jimmy: Yeah, well, there is no computer!
Ted: Aha! And there's no Betty, either.
Jimmy: And I'm a dead fuck?
Ted: Like I said, the computer don't lie.
Jimmy: [sighs] God, I'm horny...
Jimmy: Ted. I think... I think when we get to town I should call Betty.
Ted: Jimbo, calling Betty is definitely a dead fuck thing to do. Look, first rule of love: never get rejected by the same girl twice. I mean, that's useless. If you want to make a fool out of yourself, always do it with someone new.
Jimmy: I don't know anyone new.
Ted: Well, sex is a great way to meet them.
Vincent: Is this your last?
Axel: Got one more over there. A real cute girl.
Axel: [looks at the body] She still is. All you gotta do is go over there and take off...
Lainie: [disgusted] Ohh.
Vincent: Nice talk, real nice talk. I get the top copy.
Lainie: Take care, Axel.
Ted: Let me put this into the ol' computer.
Jimmy: Ted, I'm serious about this.
Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie.
Nurse Morgan: [lights click off] Get lost, Axel. I'm busy. I've had more than enough of you for one night.
Nurse Morgan: Read my lips, leave me alone! AAH!
[Jason grabs her, props her against a wall, and guts her with a scalpel]
Ted: [to hitchhiker] Hey, honey, you got a sister? Ruff, ruff!