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Cannonball Run II (1984) Poster

Quotes

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Shiek: Here is to good luck. May it all be mine.

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CHP Officer: What are you boys trying to pull?

J.J. McClure: There's been a nuclear meltdown and we're transporting some contaminated materials to Connecticut.

CHP Officer: Well, why Connecticut?

J.J. McClure: They ran out.

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Fenderbaum: It's General Patton and general admission.

[He and Blake laugh]

J.J. McClure: Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy.

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[while Terry and Mel try to get a car from Cal, the chimp plays with the phone]

Uncle Cal: Stop it, boy! I told you not to play with the phone!

[Cal hangs up the phone]

Uncle Cal: Damn chimp costs me three hundred a month in wrong numbers.

[the chimp starts throwing things at Cal]

Uncle Cal: Hey! Stop it, you primate! That's it, I've had it with you! 'Scuse me, boys. I need to teach this boy some manners. Hey, son.

[Cal hits the chimp with his hat. The chimp hits him back and knocks him across the room]

Uncle Cal: Now you stepped in it.

[Cal engages in a slap fight with the chimp and ultimately loses]

Uncle Cal: [to Mel and Terry] Boys, I got one condition on your needs. I'm gonna give you the limo, but only if you take this hairy son of a bitch with you!

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Don Canneloni: In the past, the Canneloni family was the most powerful of the families. We controlled drugs, prostitution, extortion, prostitution, gambling...

Slim: Uh, you said 'prostitution' twice.

Don Canneloni: Well, I like it.

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Captain Chaos: J.J... Long time, no see.

J.J. McClure: Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.

Captain Chaos: Have no fear, 'Him' is here.

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Don Canneloni: And now, the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis, the Fettuchinis, and even the Raviolis are bigger than we are. And why?

Tony: High interest rates.

Sonny: Acid rain.

Slim: Japanese imports.

Caesar: Uh... uh... none of the above.

Don Canneloni: No. No. No. Youse mugs already know the answer.

Caesar: Gee, boss, if I knew there was gonna be a test, I would've studied.

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Victor: My Aunt Millie took a vow of chastity. She had headaches *allllll* the time.

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Fenderbaum: I been called a lot of things but I ain't never been called no commie.

Blake: I ain't even a Democrat!

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Blake: We're gonna die. We're gonna die, we're gonna die. What do you think they're gonna do to us?

Fenderbaum: I don't know what they're gonna do to you, but since Mr. T ain't here, I'll be too busy licking their boots to see.

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King: How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave?

Shiek: He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.

The Slapper: Nine.

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[Jill and Marcie are looking under the hood of their car. Mack is gazing at their breasts]

Marcie: Does it look bad?

Mack: Not from where I'm standing.

Jill: Oh, can you fix it then?

Mack: Honey, I've got a tool that'll fix anything.

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Blake: Is the Blimp driving?

Fenderbaum: No, it's the General.

Blake: The General? Oh, I'm gonna make a private outta him.

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Jill: Aw, come on. It'll be a weekend you'll never forget.

Mechanic: All three of us?

Marcie: It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids about. If they're all boys.

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Tony: [36:55] We've put our heads together, and we've decided we're gonna rip off the Arab, on the road, during the car race.

Don Don Canneloni: Oh, you put your heads together, huh? IT MUST'VE SOUNDED LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY.

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Jill: You know, Marcie, we've got this routine down.

Marcie: Yeah. I think we're ready for the Cannonball.

Jill: Oh, I think so. How far is Redondo beach?

Marcie: 150 miles.

Jill: Hah. An hour flat.

Marcie: What're we waiting for?

Both: LET'S GO.

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Hymie Kaplan: Friend or foe?

Arnold: Guess.

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King: I order you back to America to win the Cannonball Run. I give you one last chance because you are my only son with a driver's license.

Shiek: But, Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.

King: So, buy one.

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J.J. McClure: I need a girl.

Victor: Yeah, me too.

J.J. McClure: You?

Victor: Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.

J.J. McClure: Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but...

[Both laugh]

J.J. McClure: Just kidding.

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Marcie: Can you imagine the stories J.J.'s making up about last night? He's driving poor old Victor crazy.

Jill: Yeah, well poor old Victor's buying every word of it.

Marcie: Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt us.

Jill: Never has.

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Blake: Don't you worry, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?

Fenderbaum: What?

Blake: I'm gonna take this car, and I'm gonna turn so that I block the whole highway sideways. And when they come, they're gonna have a choice, either to ditch it, or ram right straight into us.

Fenderbaum: Yeah. Yeah. Ditch it or... ram STRAIGHT INTO US?

Blake: Yup.

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[Blake presents his date with two empty martini glasses]

Blake: When I make a dry martini, I make a dry martini.

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CHP Officer 1: I think we got 'em right between us. Just pull out and block the damn road.

[the Lamborghini races by the second CHP before he can do anything]

CHP Officer 2: Got any more bright ideas?

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Don Don Canneloni: Hymie Kaplan. What a surprise. Ooh, ohh, wow. You look great. So, what brings you to the Pinto Ranch? Business or pleasure?

Hymie Kaplan: May I have a chair?

Don Don Canneloni: Oh, certainly.

[Hymie picks up a chair and smashes it over his henchman who doesn't even flinch]

Don Don Canneloni: Oh. It's business.

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[the last team finally arrives]

Race Official: Forget it, guys. You're four hours and fifteen martinis late.

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Victor: [J.J. has just performed a dangerous stunt] I figured it out. If we do this ten times a day, by the end of the year, we'll be billionaires.

[Victor tears up a telegram]

J.J. McClure: What is that?

Victor: Oh, don't worry about that. It's the Cannonball race. It's on again. A million dollars is the first prize. But don't you worry, we'll be billionaires.

[J.J. picks up a handful of hay and stuffs it into Victor's mouth]

Victor: What did I say?

J.J. McClure: You want me to do this ten times a day?

Victor: Nine?

[J.J. stuffs another handful of hay in his mouth]

Victor: What a grouch!

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Slim: Okay, you'll tell us.

Blake: We're gonna race to Connecticut and the one that wins gets a million dollars in cash.

Tony: Only a moron would back up a race like that!

Shiek: [the Shiek enters] Ah, Fenderbaum and Blake. Good to see you! You should be sleeping at this hour. Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.

Shiek: [Fenderbaum directs the Shiek's attention to the Cannelonis] Wingtips? Barbarians! Come, come!

Shiek: [the Shiek hands Caesar a handful of money] Buy yourself a decent clothing store. Infidels!

Blake: [the Shiek leaves] That was the moron.

Caesar: You know, these liars could be telling the truth.

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J.J. McClure: What line did you say you were from?

Betty: The Order of Imaculate Chastity.

Victor: The Order of Imaculate Chastity? I read the bible all the time. In fact, I once read the bible that was printed on the head of a pin. That was hard. But, I've never heard of the Order of Imaculate...

Veronica: You have to read the New Testament. In fact, it's not even the New Testament. It's the New... uh...

Betty: New Wave.

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Don Don Canneloni: Can I buy you a drink?

Fenderbaum: But of course.

Don Don Canneloni: Cherice? Cherice?

[Don Don looks over and sees the fight taking place]

Don Don Canneloni: Oh, they seem to be so busy.

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BlakeFenderbaum: [in unison] J.J. That son of a bitch!

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[From the blooper reel at the end of the film]

Captain Chaos: The Cannonball Run is a race from Connecticut to your ass.

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Sheriff: Get off the road, fat boy, before you get run over.

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Don Canneloni: [Don Canneloni is stroking a cat in his lap. Suddenly he picks up in one hand; the cat is stiff as a board] This cat is dead. Somebody bring me a new cat.

[one the henchman hands him another cat]

Don Canneloni: Ah, a tabby. Very nice.

[lifts up the cat's tail]

Don Canneloni: And a male.

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[first lines]

King: For one thousand centuries, the Falafel Family has ruled the deserts with one thing: speed! We had the fastest camels and the fastest horses. And now, due to... you know what

[mimics oil bubbling up]

King: , we have the fastest planes, the fastest boats, and the fastest cars. Except for one: yours! Last year, I sent you to America for one simple task. So simple. To emblazen the Falafel name as fastest in the world by winning the Cannonball Run. And you... failed!

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[repeated line]

The Slapper: A thousand thanks.

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Terry: 30:51 Are you sure this guy's your uncle?

Mel: And I told you, he's your uncle, too

Terry: Don't tell me, don't explain it to me, please

Mel: He's my mother's brother who lives in California, and my mother is your father's sister, and your my mother's brother's son.

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[last lines]

King: Once again, you have brought shame and disgrace on our tribe by not winning the Cannonball Run.

Shiek: But, father. There was this doctor in the car! He tried to give me a

[mimics injecting a hypodermic needle]

Shiek: It was his mix!

King: I warn you. Tomorrow's race is the last Cannonball I am financing. If you do not win, do not bother to come home.

Shiek: Father, don't worry! I can't lose! I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one. I would like you to meet him. I have told him so much about you.

[the King looks intrigued and gives an approving nod. The Shiek leads him to the car]

Shiek: Excuse me, mister. I would like you to meet my pop!

[He opens the door, revealing the chimp. The chimp grabs the King and kisses him]

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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