Cannonball Run II (1984)
CHP Officer: What are you boys trying to pull?
J.J. McClure: There's been a nuclear meltdown and we're transporting some contaminated materials to Connecticut.
CHP Officer: Well, why Connecticut?
J.J. McClure: They ran out.
Fenderbaum: It's General Patton and general admission.
[He and Blake laugh]
J.J. McClure: Heckle and Jeckle dressed as cops. They oughta arrest their minds for vagrancy.
[while Terry and Mel try to get a car from Cal, the chimp plays with the phone]
Uncle Cal: Stop it, boy! I told you not to play with the phone!
[Cal hangs up the phone]
Uncle Cal: Damn chimp costs me three hundred a month in wrong numbers.
[the chimp starts throwing things at Cal]
Uncle Cal: Hey! Stop it, you primate! That's it, I've had it with you! 'Scuse me, boys. I need to teach this boy some manners. Hey, son.
[Cal hits the chimp with his hat. The chimp hits him back and knocks him across the room]
Uncle Cal: Now you stepped in it.
[Cal engages in a slap fight with the chimp and ultimately loses]
Uncle Cal: [to Mel and Terry] Boys, I got one condition on your needs. I'm gonna give you the limo, but only if you take this hairy son of a bitch with you!
Don Canneloni: In the past, the Canneloni family was the most powerful of the families. We controlled drugs, prostitution, extortion, prostitution, gambling...
Slim: Uh, you said 'prostitution' twice.
Don Canneloni: Well, I like it.
Captain Chaos: J.J... Long time, no see.
J.J. McClure: Nice to see you, Captain Chaos.
Captain Chaos: Have no fear, 'Him' is here.
Don Canneloni: And now, the Rigatonis, the Tortellinis, the Fettuchinis, and even the Raviolis are bigger than we are. And why?
Tony: High interest rates.
Sonny: Acid rain.
Slim: Japanese imports.
Caesar: Uh... uh... none of the above.
Don Canneloni: No. No. No. Youse mugs already know the answer.
Caesar: Gee, boss, if I knew there was gonna be a test, I would've studied.
Victor: My Aunt Millie took a vow of chastity. She had headaches *allllll* the time.
Fenderbaum: I been called a lot of things but I ain't never been called no commie.
Blake: I ain't even a Democrat!
Blake: We're gonna die. We're gonna die, we're gonna die. What do you think they're gonna do to us?
Fenderbaum: I don't know what they're gonna do to you, but since Mr. T ain't here, I'll be too busy licking their boots to see.
King: How come you have a blond, blue-eyed slave?
Shiek: He's an actor. Hasn't had a series in seven years.
The Slapper: Nine.
[Jill and Marcie are looking under the hood of their car. Mack is gazing at their breasts]
Marcie: Does it look bad?
Mack: Not from where I'm standing.
Jill: Oh, can you fix it then?
Mack: Honey, I've got a tool that'll fix anything.
Blake: Is the Blimp driving?
Fenderbaum: No, it's the General.
Blake: The General? Oh, I'm gonna make a private outta him.
Jill: Aw, come on. It'll be a weekend you'll never forget.
Mechanic: All three of us?
Marcie: It's gonna be a weekend you can tell your kids about. If they're all boys.
Tony: We've put our heads together, and we've decided we're gonna rip off the Arab, on the road, during the car race.
Don Don Canneloni: Oh, you put your heads together, huh? IT MUST'VE SOUNDED LIKE A BOWLING ALLEY.
Jill: You know, Marcie, we've got this routine down.
Marcie: Yeah. I think we're ready for the Cannonball.
Jill: Oh, I think so. How far is Redondo beach?
Marcie: 150 miles.
Jill: Hah. An hour flat.
Marcie: What're we waiting for?
Both: LET'S GO.
King: I order you back to America to win the Cannonball Run. I give you one last chance because you are my only son with a driver's license.
Shiek: But, Pop, there is no Cannonball Run this year.
King: So, buy one.
J.J. McClure: I need a girl.
Victor: Yeah, me too.
J.J. McClure: You?
Victor: Sure. Hey, J.J., I'm not a eunuch, you know.
J.J. McClure: Of course you're not a eunuch. Don't put yourself down like that. You have a striking resemblance to a eunuch but...
J.J. McClure: Just kidding.
Marcie: Can you imagine the stories J.J.'s making up about last night? He's driving poor old Victor crazy.
Jill: Yeah, well poor old Victor's buying every word of it.
Marcie: Well, what he doesn't know ain't gonna hurt us.
Jill: Never has.
Blake: Don't you worry, 'cause you know what I'm gonna do?
Blake: I'm gonna take this car, and I'm gonna turn so that I block the whole highway sideways. And when they come, they're gonna have a choice, either to ditch it, or ram right straight into us.
Fenderbaum: Yeah. Yeah. Ditch it or... ram STRAIGHT INTO US?
[Blake presents his date with two empty martini glasses]
Blake: When I make a dry martini, I make a dry martini.
CHP Officer 1: I think we got 'em right between us. Just pull out and block the damn road.
[the Lamborghini races by the second CHP before he can do anything]
CHP Officer 2: Got any more bright ideas?
Don Don Canneloni: Hymie Kaplan. What a surprise. Ooh, ohh, wow. You look great. So, what brings you to the Pinto Ranch? Business or pleasure?
Hymie Kaplan: May I have a chair?
Don Don Canneloni: Oh, certainly.
[Hymie picks up a chair and smashes it over his henchman who doesn't even flinch]
Don Don Canneloni: Oh. It's business.
[the last team finally arrives]
Race Official: Forget it, guys. You're four hours and fifteen martinis late.
Victor: [J.J. has just performed a dangerous stunt] I figured it out. If we do this ten times a day, by the end of the year, we'll be billionaires.
[Victor tears up a telegram]
J.J. McClure: What is that?
Victor: Oh, don't worry about that. It's the Cannonball race. It's on again. A million dollars is the first prize. But don't you worry, we'll be billionaires.
[J.J. picks up a handful of hay and stuffs it into Victor's mouth]
Victor: What did I say?
J.J. McClure: You want me to do this ten times a day?
[J.J. stuffs another handful of hay in his mouth]
Victor: What a grouch!
Slim: Okay, you'll tell us.
Blake: We're gonna race to Connecticut and the one that wins gets a million dollars in cash.
Tony: Only a moron would back up a race like that!
Shiek: [the Shiek enters] Ah, Fenderbaum and Blake. Good to see you! You should be sleeping at this hour. Remember, we leave at noon tomorrow.
Shiek: [Fenderbaum directs the Shiek's attention to the Cannelonis] Wingtips? Barbarians! Come, come!
Shiek: [the Shiek hands Caesar a handful of money] Buy yourself a decent clothing store. Infidels!
Blake: [the Shiek leaves] That was the moron.
Caesar: You know, these liars could be telling the truth.
J.J. McClure: What line did you say you were from?
Betty: The Order of Imaculate Chastity.
Victor: The Order of Imaculate Chastity? I read the bible all the time. In fact, I once read the bible that was printed on the head of a pin. That was hard. But, I've never heard of the Order of Imaculate...
Veronica: You have to read the New Testament. In fact, it's not even the New Testament. It's the New... uh...
Betty: New Wave.
Don Don Canneloni: Can I buy you a drink?
Fenderbaum: But of course.
Don Don Canneloni: Cherice? Cherice?
[Don Don looks over and sees the fight taking place]
Don Don Canneloni: Oh, they seem to be so busy.
[From the blooper reel at the end of the film]
Captain Chaos: The Cannonball Run is a race from Connecticut to your ass.
Don Canneloni: [Don Canneloni is stroking a cat in his lap. Suddenly he picks up in one hand; the cat is stiff as a board] This cat is dead. Somebody bring me a new cat.
[one the henchman hands him another cat]
Don Canneloni: Ah, a tabby. Very nice.
[lifts up the cat's tail]
Don Canneloni: And a male.
King: For one thousand centuries, the Falafel Family has ruled the deserts with one thing: speed! We had the fastest camels and the fastest horses. And now, due to... you know what
[mimics oil bubbling up]
King: , we have the fastest planes, the fastest boats, and the fastest cars. Except for one: yours! Last year, I sent you to America for one simple task. So simple. To emblazen the Falafel name as fastest in the world by winning the Cannonball Run. And you... failed!
King: Once again, you have brought shame and disgrace on our tribe by not winning the Cannonball Run.
Shiek: But, father. There was this doctor in the car! He tried to give me a
[mimics injecting a hypodermic needle]
Shiek: It was his mix!
King: I warn you. Tomorrow's race is the last Cannonball I am financing. If you do not win, do not bother to come home.
Shiek: Father, don't worry! I can't lose! I have hired the winner of this Cannonball to be my co-driver in the next one. I would like you to meet him. I have told him so much about you.
[the King looks intrigued and gives an approving nod. The Shiek leads him to the car]
Shiek: Excuse me, mister. I would like you to meet my pop!
[He opens the door, revealing the chimp. The chimp grabs the King and kisses him]