Lord John Whorfin: History is-a made at night. Character is what you are in the dark.
Lord John Whorfin: Where are we going?
The Red Lectroids: Planet Ten!
Lord John Whorfin: When?
The Red Lectroids: Real soon!
[Buckaroo finishes talking with Penny in jail]
Buckaroo Banzai: Let her out.
Female Prisoner: Hey, me too.
Perfect Tommy: Let her out?
Buckaroo Banzai: That's right, let her out. I'll be responsible.
Perfect Tommy: But she's a killer.
Buckaroo Banzai: No, she's not. Now, let her out and give her your coat.
Perfect Tommy: Why me?
Buckaroo Banzai: Because you're perfect.
Perfect Tommy: You have a point there.
John Bigbooté: It's not my goddamn planet. Understand, monkey boy?
Mission Control: Buckaroo, The White House wants to know is everything ok with the alien space craft from Planet 10 or should we just go ahead and destroy Russia?
Buckaroo Banzai: Tell him yes on one and no on two.
Mission Control: Which one was yes, go ahead and destroy Russia... or number 2?
Lord John Whorfin: May I pass along my congratulations for your great interdimensional breakthrough. I am sure, in the miserable annals of the Earth, you will be duly enshrined.
Overhead announcement at psychiatric hospital: Lithium is no longer available on credit.
Buckaroo Banzai: You can check your anatomy all you want, and even though there may be normal variation, when it comes right down to it, this far inside the head it all looks the same. No, no, no, don't tug on that. You never know what it might be attached to.
Orderly: Who are you today, Doc? Einstein?
Lord John Whorfin: Lord John Whorfin. If there's one thing I hate, it's to be mistaken for somebody else.
Lord John Whorfin: Sealed with a curse as sharp as a knife. Doomed is your soul and damned is your life.
President Widmark: [reading] "Declaration of War... the short form."
Lord John Whorfin: Laugh-a while you can, monkey-boy.
Perfect Tommy: Emilio Lizardo. Wasn't he on TV once?
Buckaroo Banzai: You're thinking of Mr. Wizard.
Reno: Emilio Lizardo is a top scientist, dummkopf.
Perfect Tommy: So was Mr. Wizard.
Buckaroo Banzai: I've been ionized, but I'm okay now.
[after Buckaroo has been ionized]
Buckaroo Banzai: There they are.
Perfect Tommy: There who are?
Buckaroo Banzai: Don't you see them?
New Jersey: See who?
[Buckaroo points at the Lectroids]
Buckaroo Banzai: There! Evil PURE AND SIMPLE by way of the Eighth Dimension!
Rawhide: Dr. Banzai is using a laser to vaporize a pineal tumor without damaging the parthogenital plate. A subcutaneous microphone will allow the patient to transmit verbal instructions to his own brain.
Observer: Like, "raise my left arm"?
Rawhide: Or "throw the harpoon." People are gonna come from all over. This boy's an Eskimo.
John O'Connor: They're only monkey-boys. We can crush them here on earth, Lord Whorfin.
Lord John Whorfin: Take her to the pit. Go, Big-booty. Use more honey. Find out what she knows.
Lord John Whorfin: Shut up, Big-booty, you coward. You are the weakest individual I ever know.
Ed: President's calling, Buckaroo.
Buckaroo Banzai: The president of what?
Ed: The President of The United States.
Buckaroo Banzai: Oh.
Penny Priddy: Uh, Buckaroo, you... you forgot your thruster.
Buckaroo Banzai: [smiles] Why don't you hold onto it for a while?
Penny Priddy: [looks at him suggestively as he leaves the room] Anytime...
Buckaroo Banzai: You remind me of someone I once knew.
Penny Priddy: Was she... very beautiful?
Buckaroo Banzai: She was... Queen of the Netherlands.
SOD McKinley: I'll try to be quick. In case you haven't noticed, we have a motorcycle convention moving in and let's face it, you didn't come here to listen to me talk.
Perfect Tommy: You're right.
President Widmark: Buckaroo, I don't know what to say. Lectroids? Planet 10? Nuclear extortion? A girl named "John"?
Buckaroo Banzai: You ever thought about joining me full time?
New Jersey: Whatya mean, you serious, do you have an opening?
Buckaroo Banzai: Uh huh. Can you sing?
New Jersey: A little, yeh, I can dance.
Lord John Whorfin: Home... home is where you wear your hat... I feel so breakup, I wanna go home.
John Emdall: If you fail, we will be forced to help you destroy yourselves.
John Bigbooté: We've had our chance! Your Overthruster's for shit! We're lost!
Lord John Whorfin: One more word out of you, Bigbooty...
John Bigbooté: [screaming] BIG-BOO-TAY! TAY! TAY!
[Whorfin shoots him]
General Catburd: The man's been through solid matter, for crying out loud. Who knows what's happened to his brain? Maybe it's scrambled his molecules. All I'm saying is, Mr. President, let's not panic.
Artie: I don't care if you drove through a mountain in Texas. This is New Jersey, and when you play my... when you play my joint, you're just another act. I want some music out'a you characters!
Reno: You want it, Artie? You got it.
Yoyodyne intercom announcement: The only joy is the joy of duty. Work... work... work.
John Bigbooté: John O'Connor, break the window!
John O'Connor: Why me, John Bigboote?
John Bigbooté: It might be booby-trapped!
John O'Connor: Oh.
John Bigbooté: Damn John Whorfin and the horse he rode in on.
Buckaroo Banzai: Is anybody out there not having a good time?
[Pinky Caruthers raises his hand]
John Ganty: John Valuk is dead, he fell on his head. But perhaps John Parker will get through with our message to Buckaroo Banzai.
Lord John Whorfin: [shouting into a radio microphone] BANZAI! I'LL-A SEE YOU IN-A HELL!
John Parker: [as the pod-ship is in a free-fall] I'm a diplomat! I failed flight school!
SOD McKinley: Geez! What the hell is going on here, Bigboot? Where's my bomber?
John Bigbooté: BigbooTAY. John O'Connor, put this on the track.
SOD McKinley: Hey, I don't give a flying handshake what your name is. I'm here to see a bomber. This sure ain't it.
John Bigbooté: Let's go back upstairs to my office and talk about this like two reasonable beings.
SOD McKinley: Now, you listen to me. Your private life, that's your own concern, but I'm here to see a bomber, and I'm damned sure going to see it now. Look at this place! Don't you have any pride? It's like a damn pig-sty in here!
John Bigbooté: It's not my goddamn planet. Understand, monkey boy?
Jack the Orderly: I've come for your tv. You've been using too much juice. Another 10,000 kilowatts again this month. Beats me how an old, homicidal loony can use that much power.
SOD McKinley: You are... John YaYa. And you... John Small Berries.
Duck Hunter Burt: Gimme some light will ya?
Duck Hunter Bubba: I got two guns in my hands.
Duck Hunter Burt: Put one of them down.
Duck Hunter Bubba: I ain't puttin' the guns down!
Jon Gomez: Lest we let this place become a zoo, not to mention a haven for gawkers.
SOD McKinley: I don't give a flying handshake what your name is.
[after crashing through the wall of a factory]
Lectroid: We are not in the Eighth dimension, we are over New Jersey. Hope is not lost.
Lord John Whorfin: John O'Connor, install my Oscillation Overthruster!
John Parker: Buckaroo Banzai!
Buckaroo Banzai: What?
John Parker: There is little time. You'd better come quickly if your planet is still important to you.
Lord John Whorfin: She'll live, but only for a while... and she won't enjoy it.
Penny Priddy: What do you want from me Buckaroo? Who am I?
Buckaroo Banzai: As near as I can figure, you had an identical twin sister, and I married her. But that's over now, and she's gone. And that's about all there is really to say about that.
Scooter Lindley: [pointing an assault rifle at McKinley] Get away from that car or I'll drink your blood!
SOD McKinley: [nervously] What'cha got there, son? That's not... real, is it?
[Scooter turns, fires a shot in the air, and turns back to McKinley]
Scooter Lindley: Get 'em up!
[intro to a flashback]
Television voice: Nineteen thirty-eight. Can you imagine what it must have been like then... then... then...
John Bigbooté: Put the snot on the track, John O'Connor.
Lord John Whorfin: Barney, I'm going home... with my overthruster.
Casper Lindley: She can't be serious, can she? Vaporize the whole damn planet?
Buckaroo Banzai: You wanna roll all those dice, Casper?
Casper Lindley: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, man, not me.
Lord John Whorfin: Will somebody turn off that gosh darn klaxon?
Buckaroo Banzai: If we blow this today, there ain't no tomorrow.
Penny Priddy: You like Jerry Lewis, you give me hope to carry on, then you leave me in the lurch while you strap on your six-guns...
Black Lectroid Commander: Prepare to annihilate Smolensk!