Trading Places (1983)
Louis Winthorpe III: I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me, and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro!
Even Bigger Black Guy: I mean you beatin' 10 cops? You putting a man in the hospital? How come I don't see no bruises on you?
Big Black Guy: Yeah!
Billy Ray Valentine: 'Cause I'm a karate man! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherfucker! So get outta my face!
Billy Ray Valentine: [watches Louis clean his shotgun] You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barreled shotgun 'cause you pissed at 'em.
Louis Winthorpe III: Why not?
Billy Ray Valentine: It's called assault with a deadly weapon. You get twenty years for that shit.
Louis Winthorpe III: Listen, do you have any better ideas?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.
Coleman: You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.
Official #2: [Randolph Duke has just collapsed with shock] Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.
Mortimer Duke: Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!
[shouts - it echoes pathetically throughout the trading hall]
Mortimer Duke: Turn those machines back on!
Pawnbroker: Burnt my fingers, man.
Louis Winthorpe III: I beg your pardon?
Pawnbroker: Man, that watch is so hot, it's smokin'.
Louis Winthorpe III: Hot? Do you mean to imply stolen?
Pawnbroker: I'll give you 50 bucks for it.
Louis Winthorpe III: Fifty bucks? No, no, no. This is a Rouchefoucauld. The thinnest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland, and water resistant to three atmospheres. This is *the* sports watch of the '80s. Six thousand, nine hundred and fifty five dollars retail!
Pawnbroker: You got a receipt?
Louis Winthorpe III: Look, it tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome, and Gstaad.
Pawnbroker: In Philadelphia, it's worth 50 bucks.
Louis Winthorpe III: Just give me the money.
[looking in display case]
Louis Winthorpe III: How much for the gun?
Louis Winthorpe III: He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.
Even Bigger Black Guy: It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.
Billy Ray Valentine: [after demonstrating some fake karate moves] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a man's body.
Randolph Duke: Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.
Ezra: Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.
Mortimer Duke: Half of it is from me.
Ezra: Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.
Billy Ray Valentine: [on his first day of work] What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?
Coleman: Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.
Louis Winthorpe III: [to Penelope] Those men wanted to have sex with me!
Randolph Duke: [Valentine overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom] Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Mortimer Duke: Here, one dollar.
Randolph Duke: [chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer!
Randolph Duke: Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
Mortimer Duke: I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.
Randolph Duke: You mean, keep *Valentine* on as managing director?
Mortimer Duke: Do you really believe I would have a *nigger* run our family business, Randolph?
Mortimer Duke: [Valentine's eyes widen with outrage] Of course not. Neither would I.
Billy Ray Valentine: [as Louis is choking him] lt - was - the - Dukes! lt - was - the - Dukes!
Louis Winthorpe III: YOU'RE A DEAD MAN, VALENTINE!
Billy Ray Valentine: [gasping, after Ophelia and Coleman stop Louis from choking Billy Ray] The Dukes used us as guinea pigs, man! It was an experiment, to see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.
Coleman: I'm afraid it's true, sir.
Ophelia: I believe him, Louie.
Louis Winthorpe III: The Dukes... ruined my life... over a bet. For how much?
Billy Ray Valentine: A dollar.
Louis Winthorpe III: One dollar. Fine. That's the way they want it - no problem.
[cut to Louis cleaning and loading an array of shotguns in the den]
Clarence Beeks: Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.
Ophelia: [Ophelia notices Louis watching her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch.
Even Bigger Black Guy: It was a stone groove, my man! You are, the most, righteous...
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah right, just get the fuck out, man! Let's go!
Louis Winthorpe III: [approaching the New York Commodities Exchange] Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the absolute carnage you are about to witness. Super Bowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One minute you're up half a million in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?
Billy Ray Valentine: Yeah, we got to kill the motherf... - we got to kill 'em!
Louis: My God. The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!
Ophelia: Unless somebody STOPS them.
Coleman: Or *beats* them TO it.
[all turn and look at him]
Billy Ray Valentine: Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that had me busted.
Louis Winthorpe III: Nenge? Nenge Mboko? It is me, Lionel Joseph!
Billy Ray Valentine: Lionel! From the African Education Conference!
Louis Winthorpe III: Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.
Billy Ray Valentine: I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!
Both: Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah! Boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, boo-boo yah, hah!
Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, memories!
Louis Winthorpe III: [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!
Randolph Duke: [hoarsely] Winthorpe.
Mortimer Duke: [stunned] Valentine.
Billy Ray Valentine: Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
Mortimer Duke: How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Billy Ray Valentine: Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Louis Winthorpe III: [grinning] I lost... One dollar.
Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, Louis.
Louis Winthorpe III: After you.
Billy Ray Valentine: Certainly.
Newscaster on TV: In charge of security is Mr. Clarence Beeks, head of Lyndhurst Security...
Billy Ray Valentine: [speaking in perfect unison with Louis] Clarence Beeks!
Louis Winthorpe III: [speaking in perfect unison with Billy Ray] Clarence Beeks!
Billy Ray Valentine: [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.
Randolph Duke: It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray Valentine: That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke: I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]
Billy Ray Valentine: You want me to break something else?
Billy Ray: No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
Mortimer Duke: This is NOT a *meal,* Valentine. We are here to TRY to explain to you what it is we DO here.
Randolph Duke: We are 'commodities brokers,' William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products... like coffee that you had for breakfast... wheat, which is used to make bread... pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a 'bacon, lettuce and tomato' sandwich.
[Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera]
Randolph Duke: Randolph
Randolph Duke: And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice... and GOLD. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.
Randolph Duke: Clear so far?
Billy Ray: [nodding and smiling, even though it ISN'T clear to him] Yeah.
Randolph Duke: Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy or sell their gold for them.
Mortimer Duke: Tell him the good part.
Randolph Duke: The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Mortimer Duke: Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Billy Ray: Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies.
Randolph Duke: [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.
Billy Ray Valentine: [while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. Is he funky in bed?
[the woman begins to walk away]
Billy Ray Valentine: We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You BITCH!
Billy Ray Valentine: [watches cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?
Coleman: [holding a breakfast tray while Louis is still asleep] Your breakfast, sir.
Todd: Looking good, Louis!
Louis Winthorpe III: Feeling good, Todd.
Harry: We, uh, need a fourth for squash today, Louis. Are you interested?
Louis Winthorpe III: No can do. I'll be having dinner with Penelope tonight.
Andrew: Oh, lucky you.
Louis Winthorpe III: It's not luck. Todd.
Billy Ray: [posing as "Nenge Mboko," an exchange student from Cameroon] Merry New Year!
Clarence Beeks: That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."
Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!
Louis Winthorpe III: Randolph. Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke: Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?
Louis Winthorpe III: Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!
Mortimer Duke: We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.
Louis Winthorpe III: [laughs] Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.
Randolph Duke: Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray Valentine: Okay. Pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody's waiting for it to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap and go long. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' bat-shit. They're saying, "Hey, we're losing all our goddamn money, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife won't f... my wife won't make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!
Randolph Duke: [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping] He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
Billy Ray Valentine: I'd wait until you get to around sixty-four, THEN I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Randolph Duke: This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at sixty-four. Mr. Valentine has set the price.
[He punches up the numbers on his calculator]
Randolph Duke: Do you realize how much money he just saved us?
Mortimer Duke: Money isn't everything, Randolph!
Officer Reynolds: Strip, you little shit, before I tear you a new asshole!
Billy Ray: [Sitting in a jacuzzi] Hey, bubbles, man! Say man, when I was growing up, if we wanted a jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.
Randolph Duke: That man is a product of a poor environment. There's nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.
Mortimer Duke: Of course there's something wrong with him... he's a Negro!
Randolph Duke: Money isn't everything, Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke: Oh, grow up.
Randolph Duke: Mother always said you were greedy.
Mortimer Duke: She meant it as a compliment.
Billy Ray Valentine: [Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my bitches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.
Even Bigger Black Guy: Where are your bitches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?
Big Black Guy: Yeah!
Billy Ray Valentine: [to cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my bitches?
Cellmate #2: [to the Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?
Baggage Handler #1: I'm dressed as uh, as a baggage handler.
Baggage Handler #2: You can imagine how embarrassed I was, when I saw someone at the party with the same costume I had.
Ophelia: The only thing I've got going for me, is this body, this face, and what I got up here. I don't do drugs. And I don't have a pimp.
Louis Winthorpe III: [shocked and aghast] You're a - PROSTITUTE!
Ophelia: This place is a dump... but it's cheap, it's clean, and it's all mine.
Randolph Duke: We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.
Mortimer Duke: We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.
Billy Ray Valentine: $80,000?
Mortimer Duke: Mmm-hmm.
Billy Ray Valentine: Excuse me.
[Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur]
Billy Ray Valentine: This is a practical joke, right, brother?
[the chauffeur shakes his head]
Billy Ray Valentine: Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?
[the chauffeur shakes his head again]
Billy Ray Valentine: What's my next move, man?
[the chauffeur shrugs]
Billy Ray Valentine: Thank you, you've been helpful.
Coleman: [offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; Coleman dressed as a priest, Billy Ray in African garb] Would you like a sip of whiskey?
Billy Ray Valentine: I do not drink, it is against my religion!
Coleman: Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.
Corrupt Cop: [finds a baggie in Winthorpe's coat at his arrest] One cellophane bag...
Louis Winthorpe III: Now that's not mine! I've never seen that before in my life!
Corrupt Cop: [takes some PCP out of the baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phencyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You are looking at three to five MANDATORY - Louis.
Clarence Beeks: This is as far as we go. No more cockamamie cigar smoke. No more Swedish meatballs there, tootsie. And no more phony Irish whiskey. No more goddamn jerky beef! The party's over.
Harvey: Party's OVER? Hey, come on! What do you mean, the party's over? It's not even -
[looks at his watch]
Harvey: - ten o'clock, you asshole! Hey, come on, loosen up, man! It's almost New Year's Eve!
Mortimer Duke: You and your Nobel Prize! You IDIOT!
Randolph Duke: [being wheeled out on a stretcher] Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?
Louis Winthorpe III: [sardonically] Beeks!
Billy Ray Valentine: [to Winthorpe] Yeah, I forgot all about THAT guy.
Harvey: Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a fucking gorilla, you clown!
Ophelia: [reading Louis' palm] You've never done a day's work in your life.
Mortimer Duke: This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was FOUNDED! WE FOUNDED THIS EXCHANGE! IT'S OURS! IT BELONGS TO US!
Stationmaster: This animal is being routed through to New York. It's care and feeding instructions are on this bill of lading.
Baggage Handler #2: Okay, gotcha.
Stationmaster: Now, I doubt if you'll have any problems, but if you do, there's a tranquilizer gun in the first aid kit.
Baggage Handler #1: Oh, yeah?
Baggage Handler #1: [sniffs] Say, have you guys been drinking?
Baggage Handler #2: Oh no, not us.
Baggage Handler #1: There's enough drunks on this train, already.
Coleman: My life's savings, sir. Try not to lose it.
Billy Ray Valentine: Lose it? Why, in a couple hours you gonna be the richest butler that ever lived, man.
Ophelia: I worked real hard for this, Louie. I hope you know what you're doing.
Louis Winthorpe III: Thank you, Ophelia.
Ophelia: What are you doing?
Billy Ray Valentine: [Their train number is called over the loudspeaker] That's us, Louie.
Louis Winthorpe III: Coleman, could you hold this?
[handing him Ophelia's envelope of money before he kisses her for good luck. Then just before they embrace she takes her chewing gum out of her mouth, smiles and hands it to Coleman, who rolls his eyes upwards in subtle gee-thanks look]
Coleman: [He turns to Ophelia] I could use a stiff drink. Would you care to join me?
[With a slight smile to each other, they lock arms walking of together]
Official #1: Margin call, gentlemen.
Mortimer Duke: You can't seriously expect us to...
President of Exchange: You KNOW the rules of the Exchange, Mr. Duke! All accounts are to be settled at the end of the day's trading, WITHOUT exceptions.
Randolph Duke: You know perfectly WELL we don't have three hundred and ninety-four million dollars in CASH!
Official #2: I'm sorry, boys. Put the--Dukes's seats on the Exchange up for sale at once, and seize all holdings of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.
Randolph Duke: My God. We're RUINED.
[clutches his chest]
Mortimer Duke: This is an outrage! I DEMAND an investigation! YOU can't sell our seats! A Duke has been SITTING on this Exchange since it was FOUNDED! We FOUNDED this Exchange! It's OURS! It belongs to US!
Randolph Duke: My God...
[collapses in shock]
Official #2: Mortimer, your brother's not well! We'd better call an ambulance!
Mortimer Duke: FUCK *him!* Now you listen to me. I want trading reopened *right now.* Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!
[shouting, in a pathetic echo throughout the Exchange trading floor and hall]
Mortimer Duke: TURN THOSE MACHINES BACK ON!
Duke & Duke receptionist: Yes Mr. Valentine, they're waiting for you in the last office down the hall.
Billy Ray Valentine: [being pushed away by the doorman] Hey, man! I really don't appreciate this! I don't care what it is! A spiced ham! Anything! Some crackers!
[the Dukes enter the building]
Billy Ray Valentine: Thanks a lot. How'd you like a stump up your ass?
Heritage Club Doorman: Stay outta here!
Billy Ray Valentine: You got a lotta soul. 'Preciate it.
Billy Ray Valentine: [Starts chanting in complete gibberish, annoying Beeks]
Billy Ray Valentine: Beef jerky time! Ya want some beef jerky?
Clarence Beeks: No, please.
Billy Ray Valentine: Der's plenty, ya know!
Billy Ray Valentine: [Both on the trading floor waiting patiently as FCOJ keeps going up] Louis?
Louis Winthorpe III: Not yet! Almost!
[the shares hit 142, to Billy Ray]
Louis Winthorpe III: Now.
Louis Winthorpe III: Sell 200 April at 142!
[Everybody flocks to them]