Trading Places (1983)
Don Ameche: Mortimer Duke
Randolph Duke : [Valentine overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom] Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.
Mortimer Duke : Here, one dollar.
Randolph Duke : [chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer!
Randolph Duke : Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?
Mortimer Duke : I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.
Randolph Duke : You mean, keep *Valentine* on as managing director?
Mortimer Duke : Do you really believe I would have a *nigger* run our family business, Randolph?
Mortimer Duke : [Valentine's eyes widen with outrage] Of course not. Neither would I.
Louis Winthorpe III : [after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!
Randolph Duke : [hoarsely] Winthorpe.
Mortimer Duke : [stunned] Valentine.
Billy Ray Valentine : Hey! How'd y'all make out today?
Mortimer Duke : How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?
Billy Ray Valentine : Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.
Louis Winthorpe III : [grinning] I lost... One dollar.
Billy Ray Valentine : Thank you, Louis.
Louis Winthorpe III : After you.
Billy Ray Valentine : Certainly.
Official #2 : [Randolph Duke has just collapsed with shock] Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.
Mortimer Duke : Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!
[shouts - it echoes pathetically throughout the trading hall]
Mortimer Duke : Turn those machines back on!
Louis Winthorpe III : Randolph. Mortimer.
Mortimer Duke : Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?
Louis Winthorpe III : Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!
Mortimer Duke : We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.
Louis Winthorpe III : [laughs] Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.
Billy Ray : No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.
Mortimer Duke : This is NOT a *meal,* Valentine. We are here to TRY to explain to you what it is we DO here.
Randolph Duke : We are 'commodities brokers,' William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products... like coffee that you had for breakfast... wheat, which is used to make bread... pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a 'bacon, lettuce and tomato' sandwich.
[Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera]
Randolph Duke : Randolph
Randolph Duke : And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice... and GOLD. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.
Randolph Duke : Clear so far?
Billy Ray : [nodding and smiling, even though it ISN'T clear to him] Yeah.
Randolph Duke : Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy or sell their gold for them.
Mortimer Duke : Tell him the good part.
Randolph Duke : The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.
Mortimer Duke : Well? What do you think, Valentine?
Billy Ray : Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies.
Randolph Duke : [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.
Randolph Duke : Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?
Billy Ray Valentine : Okay. Pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody's waiting for it to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap and go long. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' bat-shit. They're saying, "Hey, we're losing all our goddamn money, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife won't f... my wife won't make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!
Randolph Duke : [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping] He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!
Billy Ray Valentine : I'd wait until you get to around sixty-four, THEN I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.
Randolph Duke : This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at sixty-four. Mr. Valentine has set the price.
[He punches up the numbers on his calculator]
Randolph Duke : Do you realize how much money he just saved us?
Mortimer Duke : Money isn't everything, Randolph!
Billy Ray Valentine : [after breaking a vase] Hey, sorry about that.
Randolph Duke : It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.
Billy Ray Valentine : That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?
Randolph Duke : I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.
[Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing]
Billy Ray Valentine : You want me to break something else?
Mortimer Duke : This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was FOUNDED! WE FOUNDED THIS EXCHANGE! IT'S OURS! IT BELONGS TO US!
Mortimer Duke : I have no money to give you!
Randolph Duke : We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.
Mortimer Duke : We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.
Billy Ray Valentine : $80,000?
Mortimer Duke : Mmm-hmm.
Billy Ray Valentine : Excuse me.
[Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur]
Billy Ray Valentine : This is a practical joke, right, brother?
[the chauffeur shakes his head]
Billy Ray Valentine : Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?
[the chauffeur shakes his head again]
Billy Ray Valentine : What's my next move, man?
[the chauffeur shrugs]
Billy Ray Valentine : Thank you, you've been helpful.