- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
- Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
- The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say?
- Ralphie: Uh, um...
- The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
- [last lines]
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
- Mother: Are you ready to tell me?
- [Ralphie mumbles yes]
- Mother: Alright, where did you hear that word?
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
- Ralphie: Schwartz!
- Mother: Oh, I see.
- [Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
- Ralphie: [Ralphie mumbles and scream]
- Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
- Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
- Flick: You're full of it!
- Schwartz: Oh yeah?
- Flick: Yeah!
- Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
- Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
- Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
- [Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
- Mother: No, he said...
- [whispers it close to the receiver]
- Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
- Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
- Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
- Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
- Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?
- [footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
- Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
- [Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone]
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
- The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
- Mother: Little pitchers!
- The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
- [the furnace conks out]
- The Old Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
- [he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
- The Old Man: Damn skates!
- [coughing]
- The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
- The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
- The Old Man: Naddafinga!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...
- Ralphie: YECCHH!
- [the Old Man reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
- The Old Man: Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!
- Mother: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.
- The Old Man: Huh? Oh, yeah.
- [nods in agreement]
- The Old Man: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
- Ralphie as an Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
- The Old Man: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
- [the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]
- The Old Man: [Referring to Ralphie's pink bunny pajamas] He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
- Mother: [Disagreeing] He does not!
- The Old Man: [Still referring to the costume] He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
- Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
- [everyone stares at Ralphie]
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
- The Old Man: [Watching in horror as the Bumpus hounds flee after devouring the Christmas turkey] Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
- The Old Man: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
- The Old Man: How the hell did you know that?
- Mother: Everybody knows that!
- Miss Shields: [reading Ralphie's theme in his fantasy, she clutches his essay to her chest] Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+!
- The Old Man: [the Old Man's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.
- Mother: We're out of glue.
- The Old Man: You used up all the glue on purpose!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
- The Old Man: Didn't I get a tie this year?
- Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!
- Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
- The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
- Kid with Goggles: I like Santa.
- Ralphie: Yeah.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
- The Old Man: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!
- Ralphie: [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
- Mother: [She enters the kitchen, as she finishes dinner and hears crying] Randy? Hi What's the matter? What you crying for?
- Randy: [Crying] Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
- Mother: [Assuring him] No, he's not...
- Randy: [Still upset] Yes, he is too!
- Mother: [Assuring him] No, he's not! I promise you, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
- Mother: Why don't you come out of there?
- [Randy shakes his head no]
- Mother: No?
- Mother: Would you like some milk?
- [Randy nods yes]
- Mother: You would?
- [She pours a glass of milk and hands it to Randy]
- Mother: here you go, all right see you later? Okay, bye.
- [She closes the door as Randy cries]
- The Old Man: Dadgummit! Blow out!
- [on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
- The Old Man: Aha!
- [excitedly gets out of the car]
- Mother: Not again.
- The Old Man: Four minutes. Time me.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
- [Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
- Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy?
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.
- Male Elf: Come on, kid.
- Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out.
- [Ralphie nods]
- Santa Claus: Football. Okay, get him out of here.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
- Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No, no! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
- Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
- [Ralphie gasps]
- Santa Claus: Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!
- [Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot]
- Ralphie: No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
- Ralphie: [chuckles] I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
- Mother: BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.
- The Old Man: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
- Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
- The Old Man: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
- Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.
- [in a Chinese restaurant called "Bo Ling, Chop Suey Palace Co."]
- Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: [singing] Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra. Tis the season to be jorry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
- Chinese Father: No, no, no, no, no, no! Not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Sing like this: Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la! Try again.
- Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Deck the harrs with boughs of horry, fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra.
- Chinese Father: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Sing something else.
- Waiter #1, Waiter #2, Waiter #3: Jingre berrs, jingre berrs, jingre arr the way. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sreigh!
- The Old Man: It's a Major Award!
- Swede: A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
- The Old Man: It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it!
- Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
- The Old Man: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
- The Old Man: [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.
- Ralphie as an Adult: My old man could fix a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date.
- The Old Man: So what else happened today?
- Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?
- The Old Man: A fight? What kind of a fight?
- [Looks at Ralphie]
- Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
- [Looks at the newspaper]
- Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
- The Old Man: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
- Mother: [Playing Santa] And this is for Daddy...
- [Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
- Mother: Here, from me to you.
- The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
- Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.
- The Old Man: A new furnace.
- Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!
- [Randy laughs]
- The Old Man: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
- Mother: What is it?
- The Old Man: It's a leg!
- Mother: But what is it?
- The Old Man: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
- Mother: Statue?
- The Old Man: Yeah, statue.
- Ralphie: Yeah, statue.
- Mother: Ralphie!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
- Ralphie as an Adult: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me.
- Mother: Come down, so I can see you better.
- Ralphie as an Adult: I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make easier in life at Warren G. Harding School a variatable Hell.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.
- Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go?
- [Randy oinks like a pig]
- Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat.
- [points to his plate, takes the spoon]
- Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat.
- [Randy plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs. she laughs as Ralphie and The Old Man look on with disgusted faces]
- Mother: [Happily] Mommy's little piggy!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Grover Dill! Farkus's crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth. Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!