A Christmas Story (1983)
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.
Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!
Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man: Naddafinga!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.
Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother: Little pitchers!
The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
The Old Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
The Old Man: Damn skates!
The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!
[the Old Man reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
The Old Man: Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!
Mother: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.
The Old Man: Huh? Oh, yeah.
[nods in agreement]
The Old Man: He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
Mother: He does not!
The Old Man: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...
Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
Mother: No, he said...
[whispers it close to the receiver]
Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT! WHAT! WHAAAAAAT!
[footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
[Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.
[overdressed for winter]
Randy: I can't put my arms down!
[Mother tries to grabs his arms down, putting his arms back up]
Mother: Well, put your arms down when you get to school.
[Mother putting his scarf back on, Randy bawling]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.
Ralphie: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle! Oooohhh!
Mother: No. Shoot your eye out.
The Old Man: [the Old Man's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.
Mother: We're out of glue.
The Old Man: You used up all the glue on purpose!
[after cracking a secret code]
Ralphie: [Reading it] Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!
The Old Man: [Watching in horror as the Bumpus hounds flee after devouring the Christmas turkey] Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
Miss Shields: [reading Ralphie's theme in his fantasy, she clutches his essay to her chest] Oh! The theme I've been waiting for all my life. Listen to this sentence: "A Red Ryder BB gun with a compass in the stock, and this thing which tells time". Poetry. Sheer poetry, Ralph! An A+!
The Old Man: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
Ralphie as an Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
The Old Man: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
[the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
The Old Man: Didn't I get a tie this year?
The Old Man: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
The Old Man: How the hell did you know that?
Mother: Everybody knows that!
Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!
Kid with Goggles: I like Santa.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.
[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: What do you want for Christmas, little boy?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it.
Male Elf: Come on, kid.
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out.
Santa Claus: Football. Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No, no! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho!
[Santa pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
The Old Man: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!
Mother: Randy, how do the little piggies go?
[Randy oinks like a pig]
Mother: That's right. Oink, oink! Now show me how the piggies eat.
[points to his plate, takes the spoon]
Mother: This is your trough. Show me how the piggies eat. Be a good boy. Show mommy how the piggies eat.
[Randy plunges face into mashed potatoes, oinks, eats, and laughs. she laughs]
Mother: Mommy's little piggy!
[in a Chinese restaurant called "Bo Ling, Chop Suey Palace Co."]
Chinese Father: No, no, no, no, no, no! Not 'ra ra ra ra', 'la la la la'! Sing like this: Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa la la la la, la la la la! Try again.
Chinese Father: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Sing something else.
Ralphie: [chuckles] I was just kidding, even though Schwartz is getting one. I guess I'd just like some Tinker Toys.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I couldn't believe my own ears. Tinker Toys? She'd never buy it.
Mother: BB guns are dangerous. I don't want anyone shooting his eye out.
Mother: Randy? What's wrong? What you crying for?
Randy: Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!
Mother: No, he's not...
Randy: Yes, he is too!
Mother: No, I promise, Daddy is not going to kill Ralphie!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium, a master.
Ralphie: Hey Dad! I'll bet you'll never guess what I got you for Christmas.
The Old Man: A new furnace.
Ralphie: Ha ha! That's a good one, Dad!
The Old Man: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
Mother: What is it?
The Old Man: It's a leg!
Mother: But what is it?
The Old Man: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
The Old Man: Yeah, statue.
Ralphie: Yeah, statue.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.
The Old Man: It's a Major Award!
Swede: A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
The Old Man: It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it!
Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
The Old Man: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
The Old Man: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
The Old Man: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.
Ralphie: [in his fantasy, Ralphie explains the cause of his blindness] It... It 'twas... soap poisoning!
The Old Man: Dadgummit! Blow out!
[on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
The Old Man: Aha!
[excitedly gets out of the car]
Mother: Not again.
The Old Man: Four minutes. Time me.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Grover Dill! Farkus's crummy little toadie. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth. Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!
The Old Man: [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.
Ralphie as an Adult: My old man could fix a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My kid brother looked like a tick about to pop!
Santa Claus: If Higbee thinks I'm working one minute past 9:00, he can kiss my foot. Ho ho ho.
The Old Man: Get in the car. Get in the car.
[Mother runs back inside]
The Old Man: If we don't hurry, we're gonna miss all the good trees!
[turns back to the boys]
The Old Man: Go on, go on.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, as Mother switches off the leg lamp] My mother was about to make another brilliant maneuver in the legendary battle of the lamp. The epic struggle which follows lives in the folklore of Cleveland Street to this very day.
Mother: Don't want to waste electricity.
The Old Man: [mimicking] "Don't want to waste electricity."
Mother: Come on, Ralphie. Get in the car.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] There has never been a kid who didn't believe vaguely but incessantly that he would be stricken blind before he reached 21, and then they'd be sorry.
Mother: Ralphie, you're lucky it didn't cut your eye! Those icicles have been known to kill people.
Ralphie as an Adult: Immediately, my feet began to sweat as those two fluffy little bunnies with a blue button eye stared sappily up at me.
Mother: Come down, so I can see you better.
Ralphie as an Adult: I just hope Flick would never spot them as a word of this humiliation could make easier in life at Warren G. Harding School a variatable Hell.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The line waiting to see Santa Claus stretched all the way back to Terre Haute. And I was at the end of it.
[marveling at a Christmas gift he just opened]
The Old Man: A can of Simoniz!
The Old Man: So what else happened today?
Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?
The Old Man: A fight? What kind of a fight?
[Looks at Ralphie]
Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
[Looks at the newspaper]
Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
The Old Man: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
Ralphie: Mom, this is just the same old dumb parade as last year.
Mother: Ralphie, will you please calm down?
The Old Man: Shut up, Ralphie!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Strange. Even something as momentous as the Scut Farkus affair, which it came to be known, was pushed out of my mind as I struggled to come up with a way out of the impenetrable BB gun web, in which my mother had me trapped.
Ralphie: Santa. Yeah, I'll ask Santa.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Of course. Santa. The big man. The head honcho. The connection. Ha, my mother had slipped up this time.
Santa Claus: [to the next kid in line] Come on up on Santa's lap.
Santa Claus: Ahhh, here's a wet one. And what's your name, little boy?
Santa Claus: Oh, boy Billy! And what do you want for Christmas, Billy? A toy truck? Get him off my lap and get me a towel.
[Male Elf grabs Billy off Santa's lap]
Santa Claus: Bye, Billy! Ho ho ho!
Male Elf: Bombs away!
[pushes Billy down the slide]
Santa Claus: Oh, I hate the smell of tapioca.
Mother: [Playing Santa] And this is for Daddy...
[Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
Mother: Here, from me to you.
The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
The Old Man: Holy smokes. Do... Do you know what this is? This is... A lamp!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was indeed a lamp.
The Old Man: Isn't that great? What a great lamp.
Mother: I don't know...
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The old man's eyes boggled...
The Old Man: Oh WOW!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] ... Overcome by art.
Ralphie: [Giving his teacher a fruit basket instead of just an apple] I thought you might like something different.
Ralphie as an Adult: Yes, clearly, a little bribe never hurts.
Ralphie as an Adult: Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Every family has a kid that won't eat. My little brother had not eaten voluntarily in over three years.
The Old Man: [Reading Telegram and doing a little jig] Tonight! Tonight! It's coming Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Tonight! Hot Damn, Tonight!
The Old Man: [In the Chinese restaurant, the waiter brings out the cooked duck, which still has its head on; Mrs. Parker is laughing] Yes, it's a beautiful duck. It really is. But you see... it's smiling at me.
[He lifts the head of the duck]
Chinese Father: Ooohh!
[He chops off the duck's head. Mrs. Parker and the kids are laughing]
Ralphie as an Adult: That Christmas would live in our memories as the year we were introduced to Chinese turkey.
Miss Shields: Now I know that some of you put Flick up to this, but he has refused to say who. But those who did it know their blame, and I'm sure that the guilt you feel is far worse than any punishment you might receive. Now, don't you feel terrible? Don't you feel remorse for what you have done? Well, that's all I'm going to say about poor Flick.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Adults loved to say things like that but kids knew better. We knew darn well it was always better not to get caught.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Preparing to go to school was like getting ready for extended deep-sea diving.
Miss Shields: Where's Flick? Has anyone seen Flick?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating as Ralphie feigns ignorance] Flick? Flick who?
Mother: This isn't one of those trees where all the needles falls off, is it?
Christmas Tree Man: No, that's them balsams.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The heavenly aroma still hung in the house. But it was gone, all gone! No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!
Mother: Is this another one of your silly puzzles?
The Old Man: Yeah, another one of my silly puzzles. This one could be worth FIFTY THOUSAND BUCKS.
Mother: What is it this time?
The Old Man: Name the great characters in American literature.
Mother: Victor? The Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
Ralphie as an Adult: C+? Oh no, it CAN'T be!
Miss Shields: [in Ralphie's fantasy, dressed as the Wicked Witch] C+! C+! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Was there no end to the conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?
Ralphie as an Adult: [regarding the note on his report] Oh, no! "You'll shoot your eye out!"?
Ralphie: Oh, no!
Ralphie as an Adult: My mother must have gotten to Miss Shields! There could be no other explanation!
Miss Shields, Mother: [in Ralphie's fantasy, Miss Shields is dressed as the Wicked Witch and Ralphie's mother as a jester, both chanting] "You'll shoot your eye out! You'll shoot your eye out! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ralphie as an Adult: Was there no end to this conspiracy of irrational prejudice against Red Ryder and his peacemaker?
Ralphie as an Adult: [chuckling] Ho, ho, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, upon which the entire kid year revolved.
Ralphie as an Adult: First-nighters, packed earmuff-to-earmuff, jostled in wonderment before a golden, tinkling display of mechanized, electronic joy!
Ralphie: Well, what have we got here, folks?
The Old Man: Well, we figure it's Black Bart, uh, Ralph.
Ralphie: Well, it's just me and my trusty old Red Ryder carbine-action, 200-shot, range model air rifle. Lucky I got a compass in the stock.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Honors and benefits already at the age of nine!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Round One was over.
Ralphie as an Adult: Parents one, kids zip. I can feel the Christmas noose beginning to tighten. Maybe, what happened next, was inevitable.
Mother: Ralphie, what would you like for Christmas?
Ralphie as an Adult: Horrified, I heard myself blurt it out!
Ralphie: I want an Official Red Ryder carbine action two-hundred shot range model air rifle.
[Realizing he's made a mistake]
Mother: No, shoot your eye out.
Ralphie as an Adult: Oh, no! It was a classic, mother BB-gun block. "You'll shoot your eye out!" That deadly phrase honored many times by hundreds of mothers was not surmountable by any means known to Kiddom, but such as my mania, my desire for a Red Ryder carbine, that I immediately began to rebuild the dike.
[Furnace makes creaking noise]
The Old Man: Hold it! Shhh...
[Furnace makes loud banging noises]
The Old Man: Aha! Aha! It's a clinkerrrr! That blasted, stupid furnace! Dadgummit!
[Mr. Parker falls down the stairs]
The Old Man: Damn skates!
The Old Man: Oh for cripe's sake, open up that damper, will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? Hawk head! Aw, blasted poop flirt rattle crap camel flirt. You blonker frattle feet sturckle frat! Of a womp sack butt ratter bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult: In the heat of battle, my father wove a tapestry of obscenity, that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker. Drop dumb fratten house stickle fifer!
The Old Man: [Going inside the house after the Bumpus hounds devoured the Christmas turkey] All right! Everybody upstairs! Get dressed! We are going out... to eat!
Boy in School: [Firemen come to pull Flick off pole] Holy cow, it's the fire department!
Ralphie: Oh no...
Boy in School: [policemen come] Wow, it's the cops!
The Old Man: It could be a bowling alley!
Mother: How are they going to deliver a bowling alley here tonight?
The Old Man: They'll send the deed for cripesake. I didn't expect them to send a whole damn bowling alley.
Ralphie: Hey, Dad! I bet you never guess what I got you for Christmas!
The Old Man: [staring blissfully into space] A new furnace?
Ralphie: [chuckling] That's a good one, dad!
[Randy is laughing]
Ralphie as an Adult: My old man was one of the most feared furnace fighters in Northern Indiana.
Ralphie as an Adult: My father's spare tires were only tires on the academic sense. They were round,and had once been made of rubber.
[the Bumpus hounds break in the house and raid the kitchen]
The Old Man: Oh, no! The turkey!
[the old man arrives too late to see that the dogs already devoured the turkey]
The Old Man: Oh, my... God! You sons of - !
[the dogs leave out the back door]
The Old Man: [shouts, high-pitched] SONS OF BITCHES! BUMPUSES!
[Describing a "reaction" to an encounter with the bullies]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Randy lay there like a slug! It was his only defense!
Head Elf: COME ON, KID!
Head Elf: COME ON!
Santa Claus: Come on up, come on up! HO! HO HO!
[spins Ralphie around]
Santa Claus: HOOOO... HOOO... HOO... And what's your name little boy?
Head Elf: Hey, kid! Hurry up, the store's closing!
Male Elf: Listen, little boy. We have a lot of people waiting here, so get going.
Schwartz: Hey, smart ass. I asked my old man about sticking your tongue to a flagpole in the winter, and he says that it'll freeze right to the pole, just like I told ya.
Flick: Ah, baloney. What would your old man know about anything?
Schwartz: He knows, because he once saw a guy stick his tongue to a railroad track on a bet, and the fire department had to come get the guy's tongue off the track, because he couldn't get it off.
Randy: [is trying to catch up] C'mon, guys! Wait up! C'mon, guys! Wait up!
Man in Line for Santa: Young man? Hey, kid? Just where do you think you're going?
Ralphie: Going up to see Santa.
Man in Line for Santa: The line ENDS here. It begins THERE.
[Points to the very end of a very long line]
Ralphie: Oh, no.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I left Flick to certain annihilation. But BB gun mania knows no loyalty.
Mother: Randy, will you eat? There are starving people in China!
[Randy groans and shoves spoon into his mouth]
The Old Man: [to Mother] You know, Zudock just bought one of those brand-new green plastic trees.
Christmas Tree Man: Oh, no!
The Old Man: Darn thing looked like it was made of green pipe cleaners. Hee hee hee hee.
Mother: It's a very nice tree.
Christmas Tree Man: [quickly] I'll thrown in some rope and tie it to your car for you.
The Old Man: You got a deal.
Christmas Tree Man: Deal.
Ralphie as an Adult: I slowly began to realize that i was not going to be destroyed.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Downtown Hohman was preparing for this yearly baccanalia of peace on Earth and goodwill to men.
The Old Man: [Explaining rather sheepishly to Mother why "Santa Claus" brought Ralphie the BB gun] I had one when I was eight years old.
Mother: What if he hurts himself?
The Old Man: They traded Bullfrog? I don't believe it.
Mother: What's that?
The Old Man: Well for cripe's sake, the Sox traded Bullfrog the only player they've got, for Shottenhoffer. Four eyes Shottenhoffer, utility infielder. Got a whole lot of damn team of utility infielders.
Mother: That's nice.
[Puts a heavy, round present in her husband's lap, and he groans]
Mother: From me to you.
The Old Man: [high-pitched:] Thanks a lot!
The Old Man: I wonder what it could be.
The Old Man: It's a blue ball. Aw, it's a bowling ball.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I slowly began to realize I was not about to be destroyed! From then on, things were different between me and my mother.
[Scut Farkus scares Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz. But, he grabs Schwartz's arms]
Scut Farkus: Say "Uncle"!
Scut Farkus: Uncle.
Scut Farkus: Louder!
Scut Farkus: LOUDER!
Scut Farkus: Louder!
Schwartz: [screams] UNCLE!
[Scut lets go of him]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In our world, you were either a bully, a toady, or one of the nameless rabble of victims.
Grover Dill: Alright, who's next?
[Ralphie and his friends are heading to the school]
Flick: Do you know what I'm getting for my old man for Christmas?
Flick: A rose that squirts. People come to smell it, it squirts them.
Schwartz: I'm getting my old man a Flit gun.
Ralphie: A Flit gun?
[Scut Farkus roaring at them, hanging on the monkey bars. They began to screaming and running to school. Grover Dill stops them]
Grover Dill: Stop right there.
Ralphie: Who, me?
Grover Dill: Yeah, you! Get over there!
Ralphie: I can't now, Grover. I've... I've gotta go see Miss Shields.
[They ran into school]
Grover Dill: Hey, come here! Get back here!
Scut Farkus: Yeah, you get back here! Come back here!
Scut Farkus: You... come here.
Flick: Who, me?
Grover Dill: No, your Aunt Tilly. Yeah, you. Get over here!
[Flick comes to them]
Flick: Uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle, uncle.
[Scut Farkus grabs his arms, he screams]
Flick: UNCLE! UNCLE!
Black Bart: Okay, Ralphie. You win this time. But, we'll be back.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Ah, there it is. My house, and good old Cleveland Street. How could I ever forget it? And there I am, with that dumb round face and that stupid stocking cap. Oh, but no matter. Christmas was on its way. Lovely, glorious, beautiful Christmas, around which the entire kid year revolved.
Scut Farkus: Listen, jerk! When I tell you to come, you better come.
Scut Farkus: What, you're gonna cry now? Come on, crybaby! Cry for me, come on! CRY!
[mimicking Ralphie crying and laughing, Ralphie begins to glare at him]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Deep within the recesses of my brain, a tiny red hot little flame began to grow.
[Ralph finally lunges at Scut for a final showdown]
Ralphie as an Adult: My mother hadn't had a hot meal for herself in fifteen years.
Ralphie as an Adult: [When his father discovered the mess of the turkey from the dogs] It was gone! All gone! No turkey, no turkey sandwiches, no turkey salad, no turkey gravy!
Ralphie: You dork no-good damn knuckle, fanged dongs stinking bitch!