John Winger: Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. We're mutts! Here's proof: his nose is cold! But there's no animal that's more faithful, that's more loyal, more loveable than the mutt. Who saw "Old Yeller?" Who cried when Old Yeller got shot at the end?
[raises his hand]
John Winger: [Sarcastically] Nobody cried when Old Yeller got shot? I'm sure.
[hands are reluctantly raised]
John Winger: I cried my eyes out. So we're all dogfaces, we're all very, very different, but there is one thing that we all have in common: we were all stupid enough to enlist in the Army. We're mutants. There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us - we're soldiers. But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're ten and one! Now we don't have to worry about whether or not we practiced. We don't have to worry about whether Captain Stillman wants to have us hung. All we have to do is to be the great American fighting soldier that is inside each one of us. Now do what I do, and say what I say. And make me proud.
Recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.
John Winger: Convicted? No.
Russell Ziskey: Never convicted.
Psycho: The name's Francis Soyer, but everybody calls me Psycho. Any of you guys call me Francis, and I'll kill you.
Psycho: You just made the list, buddy. And I don't like nobody touching my stuff. So just keep your meat-hooks off. If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you.
Sergeant Hulka: Lighten up, Francis.
Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals?
John Winger: [John and Russell look at each other] You mean, like, flaming, or...
Recruiter: Well, it's a standard question we have to ask.
Russell Ziskey: No, we're not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*.
John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special?
Recruiter: I guess that's "no" on both. Now if you could just give Uncle Sam your autograph...
John Winger: C'mon, it's Czechoslovakia. We zip in, we pick 'em up, we zip right out again. We're not going to Moscow. It's Czechoslovakia. It's like going into Wisconsin.
Russell Ziskey: Well I got the shit kicked out of me in Wisconsin once. Forget it!
Russell Ziskey: You could join a monastery.
John Winger: Did you ever see a monk get wildly fucked by some teenage girls?
Russell Ziskey: Never.
John Winger: So much for the monastery.
John Winger: Why'd the chicken cross the road?
Soldiers: To get from the left to the right
John Winger: He stepped out of rank, got hit by a tank
Soldiers: He ain't no chicken no more
General Barnicke: Where is your drill sergeant, men?
John Winger: Blown up, sir!
Soldiers: Blown up, sir!
John Winger: And then depression set in.
[Winger's girlfriend is leaving him]
John Winger: You can't go! All the plants are gonna *die*!
John Winger: My philosophy: a hundred-dollar shine on a three-dollar pair of shoes.
Russell Ziskey: [trying to teach the platoon to march] C'mon, rhythm! Hut, 2, 3, 4. Black guys help the white guys...
Dewey Oxburger: My name's Dewey Oxburger. My friends call me Ox. You might have noticed that, uh, I've got a slight weight problem.
Soldiers: Nooo! Noooo!
Dewey Oxburger: Yeah, yeah I do. Yeah, I do. I went to this doctor. Well, he told me I swallow a lot of aggression... along with a lot of pizzas! Ha Ha Ha! Pizzas! I'm basically a shy person, I'm a shy guy. Uh, he suggested taking one these uh, aggression training courses. You know these aggression training courses like EST, those type of things. Anyway, it cost 400 bucks! 400 bucks to join this thing? Well I didn't have the money and I thought to myself, "Join the army"! It's free. So I figured while I'm here I'll lose a few pounds. And you got what, a 6 to 8 week training program here? A real tough one. Which is perfect for me.
[Looks around at all the soldiers and gestures emphatically]
Dewey Oxburger: I'm going to walk out of here a Lean, Mean, Fightin' Machine! Ha ha ha ha!
Sergeant Hulka: Okay, Mr. Push-ups, let's hear your story.
John Winger: Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear and when I do it's usually something unusual. But now I know why I have always lost women to guys like you. I mean, it's not just the uniform. It's the stories that you tell. So much fun and imagination.
[points to the soldier next to him]
John Winger: Lee Harvey, you are a madman. When you stole that cow, and your friend tried to make it with the cow. I want to party with you, cowboy. If the two of us together, forget it. I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka isn't always gonna be here to be that big toe for us. I think that we owe a big round of applause to our newest, bestest buddy, and big toe... Sergeant Hulka.
[the soldiers start clapping]
Sergeant Hulka: Well, okay, hot shot. We're gonna see what kind of soldier you are. Reveille is O five hundred. We're going to fall out with locker boxes and we're going to have a locker box inspection. And then we're going to do ten miles. Rain or shine! So, you better hit them bunks my little babies. Or, Sgt Hulka with the big toe is going to see how far he can stick it up your ass!
[after stumbling on the sidewalk]
Captain Stillman: Have that removed.
Russell Ziskey: John, do you think I'm officer material?
John Winger: God, I'm worried about you.
Russell Ziskey: Come on! I'm in good shape, I'm walking tall, I'm looking good. First weekend in Europe.
John Winger: Yeah. We're spending it in an airplane hangar... guarding a truck!
Russell Ziskey: We've got each other.
Russell Ziskey: I've always been kind of a pacifist. When I was a kid, my father told me, "Never hit anyone in anger, unless you're absolutely sure you can get away with it." I don't know what kind of soldier I'm gonna make, but I want you guys to know that if we ever get into really heavy combat... I'll be right behind you guys. Every step of the way.
Dewey Oxburger: [as he gets off the bus at camp, to Capt. Stillman] How's it going, Eisenhower?
[Sergeant Hulka is on the ground after getting blown off of a tower]
Dewey Oxburger: Sergeant, does this mean we're through for the day?
General Barnicke: Are you telling me that you men finished your training on your own?
John Winger: DAT'S DAH FACT, JACK!
Soldiers: THAT'S THE FACT, JACK!
Cruiser: I joined the army 'cause my father and my brother were in the army. I thought I'd better join before I got drafted.
Sergeant Hulka: Son, there ain't no draft no more.
Cruiser: There was one?
Sergeant Hulka: Men, welcome to the United States Army. I'm Sergeant Hulka. I'm your drill sergeant. Before we proceed any further, we gotta get something straight. Your mamas are not here to take care of you now. It's just you, me, and Uncle Sam. And before I leave you, you're gonna find out that me and Uncle Sam are one in the same.
John Winger: Uncle Hulka?
[when Russell is teaching English class]
Russell Ziskey: Okay, I know you're anxious to jump right in and start speaking English, but there's a couple of things I need to know first, because I've never done this before. So, how many of you would say you speak English fairly well, but with some difficulties?
Russell Ziskey: A little English?
[a man raises his hand]
Russell Ziskey: Yes? You speak some English?
Man learning English: Son of bitch. Shit.
Class: [in unison] Son of bitch. Shit.
Captain Stillman: Well, explain yourselves.
Dewey Oxburger: Well sir, we were going to this bingo parlor at the YMCA, well one thing led to another, and the instructions got all fouled up...
Captain Stillman: Shut up.
Dewey Oxburger: Okay, Sir.
Captain Stillman: You men are a *disgrace*. Maybe a few days in the stockade will help you change your rotten attitudes.
Cruiser: But, um, we're supposed to graduate tomorrow, sir.
Captain Stillman: That's even better. Tomorrow, you'll be on parade in front of General Barnicke. And when he sees what total fuck-ups you are, I will recommend that your whole platoon repeat the entire course of basic training.
Sergeant Hulka: You know something soldier, I've noticed that you're always last.
John Winger: I'm pacing myself, Sergeant.
Sergeant Hulka: Move it!
Cruiser: I guess we're going after John and Russell. I can't believe they're Russian spies. Can you?
Psycho: All I know is, finally I get to kill somebody.
Sergeant Hulka: I'm talking about something important, like discipline and duty and honor and courage. And you ain't got none of it!
John Winger: Those words mean so much to a man who scrubs garbage cans. Look, if you don't want me in your Army, kick me out, but get off my back.
Sergeant Hulka: Maybe you'd like to take a swing at me.
John Winger: I 'd like to take a BIG swing at you, sarge.
Sergeant Hulka: Well, go ahead and give it your best shot.
John Winger: I don't think I want to go to the stockade.
Sergeant Hulka: I'll take my hat off. There we are, Winger. Ain't no more drill sergeant. It's just you and me, kid, man to man. So go ahead, give it your best shot. Swing at me. Gutless. Punk!
[Winger fakes, then tries to hit Sgt. Hulka, who ducks and punches Winger in his stomach, dropping him to his knees, gasping for breath]
Sergeant Hulka: [putting his hat back on] I'm willing to forget this little incident. And I want you to think real hard about it. And maybe someday you'll understand what the hell I'm talking about.
Captain Stillman: [spying on female soldiers taking showers] Oh, oh God, look at that. Wash off the soap. That's right wash off - look at that. Bend over. Drop the soap. Oh, good! Oh, God, I wish I was a loofah.
General Barnicke: Where have you been soldier?
John Winger: TRAINING, SIR!
Soldiers: TRAINING, SIR!
General Barnicke: What kind of training?
John Winger: BLAAAAARRRRRRMYYYYYY TRAINING, SIR!
Soldiers: ARMY TRAINING, SIR!
Dowager in Cab: I've never gone this way before.
John Winger: Well, I'm sure there's a lot of ways I've gone that you haven't.
John Winger: Tito Puente's gonna be dead, and you're gonna say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years, and I think he's fabulous."
John Winger: Oh, it's not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn't drunk all that cough syrup this morning.
Captain Stillman: Where the fuck's my truck? Where - ? *Where's* *my* *truck*? Hey, where's the EM-50?
Soldier Outside Motor Pool: A couple of soldiers took it to get it washed sir.
Sergeant Hulka: You better hit those bunks my little babies, or Sergeant Hulka with the "big toe" is gonna see how far he can stick it up your ass.
Sergeant Hulka: We got a full day ahead of us. We're gonna start out with a five-mile run.
John Winger: I know that I'm speaking for the entire platoon when I say this run should be postponed until this platoon is better rested.
Sergeant Hulka: Well, I'll tell you what, soldier. Let's make it ten miles.
Sergeant Hulka: You don't say "sir" to me, I'm a sergeant, I work for a living.
Soldiers: Yes, sergeant!
Sergeant Hulka: I didn't hear you!
Soldiers: *Yes, sergeant*!
Sergeant Hulka: *That's* what I wanna hear.
John Winger: Do you think this guy's over-doing it a bit?
John Winger: Come on. Let's take the truck.
[John stares at Russell. Russell looks away from the manual to John, then up to the EM-50]
Russell Ziskey: Nooo.
John Winger: Oh yeah.
Russell Ziskey: Nooo.
John Winger: Oh-ho, yeah.
Russell Ziskey: No, no.
John Winger: Oh-oh...
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: ...yeah, yeah...
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: ...yeah, yeah...
Russell Ziskey: No.
John Winger: ...yeah, yeah.
Russell Ziskey: No, John. No.
John Winger: I'll drive.
Russell Ziskey: Okay.
Sergeant Hulka: I'm getting too old for this shit.
Russell Ziskey: [while Winger is doing push ups for the bet with Ziskey] I think you're ready for the Special Olympics...
Stella Hansen: Okay, guys, you're home. Get out.
Russell Ziskey: You're not gonna report this or anything, are you?
Stella Hansen: I'm gonna treat it like a UFO sighting. I saw something, but I'm not quite sure what it was.
Russell Ziskey: Thank You.
Sergeant Hulka: When I tell you move, you'll move fast. When I tell you to jump, you're gonna say, "How high?" And make no mistake. I don't care where you come from, I don't care what color you are, I don't care how smart you are, I don't care how dumb you are, 'cause I'm gonna teach every last one of you how to eat, sleep, walk, talk, shoot, shit like a United States soldier. Understand?
Cruiser: Yes, sir.
Russell Ziskey: [Russell has just accosted John, who is trying to sneak off the base in the middle of the night... Russell has John on the ground] Where do you think you're going? Are you going AWOL? Are you going AWOL?
John Winger: No, I'm deserting.
Russell Ziskey: You idiot! You desert now, it's a federal offense!
John Winger: I'll take my chances with the feds!
Russell Ziskey: You're not going anywhere!
[pulls him up and throws him up against a tank]
Russell Ziskey: You listen to me! You're gonna finish basic training! You're gonna keep your mouth shut, and you're gonna do everything he tells you! You know why?
John Winger: [innocently] Why?
Russell Ziskey: Because you talked me into this, you idiot! It was your idea!
John Winger: I didn't talk you into this. You NEEDED this.
Russell Ziskey: [drags John back to the ground] I'm gonna kill you, damn you! Where's the great pay? Where's the travel? Where's the Winnebago, Goddamnit!
[MPs Stella and Louise pull up in their jeep]
John Winger: [busting himself in the crotch with a suitcase] Oh, my balls! OH, MY BALLS!
Dewey Oxburger: It doesn't seem fair.
John Winger: FAIR? Who cares about fair? The world isn't fair. Truth is fair. Is it fair that you were born like this? NO! They're not expecting somebody like you in there, Ox. They're expected one of these slugs. You're different. You're weird. You're a mutant. You're a killer. You're a trained killer. You're a LEAN... MEAN...
Dewey Oxburger, John Winger: FIGHTING... MACHINE!"
Dewey Oxburger: I'LL DO IT!
Captain Hollister: I'm Captain Hollister, Special Operations Group. Who are you?
John Winger: I'm Major Dodge.
Captain Hollister: Captain DeSoto.
John Winger: Pleasure to meet you, Hollister. Heard a lot about you.
Captain Hollister: Well, I never heard any of you. And you're not on my roster.
John Winger: That's just the way we like to keep it, Captain. It's double double top-secret.
Captain Hollister: Intelligence?
John Winger: Some.
Russell Ziskey: There are two things I promised myself I'd never do: Kill and die.
John Winger: What if the Russians were raping your sister?
Russell Ziskey: Come on, you know my sister. You practically raped her one night. The Russians would just have to buy her dinner.
Louise: You look like a sensitive, intelligent guy. Don't make me shoot you. Climb aboard, soldier.
Captain Stillman: All right, soldier, let's see how you fire that mortar.
Soldier with Mortar: What coordinates, sir?
Captain Stillman: [annoyed] Coordinates?
Soldier with Mortar: Yes, sir, they determine where the mortar's...
Captain Stillman: Soldier, the army has spent a lot of money teaching you to fire that thing. Now set it and fire it.
Soldier with Mortar: Sir, we don't know where the shell's gonna...
Captain Stillman: Soldier. The only way to learn anything is to do it. Now fire the weapon.
[after a shoe shine]
John Winger: I don't think I've ever been this happy.
John Winger: Don't order the Schnitzel, they're using Schnauzer.
John Winger: I've had an interesting morning. In the last two hours I've lost my job, my apartment, my car, and my girlfriend.
Russell Ziskey: You still have your health.
John Winger: [Winger and Hansen are trapped by enemy fire] You know who would love this? Russell!
John Winger, Stella Hansen: Russell! Russell! Help us!
John Winger: [Russell fires the flamethrowers on the EM-50 driving the enemy back] Thaaaank yoooou!
Col. Glass: [menacingly] You screw this up, Stillman... and I'll have you assigned to a weather station above the Arctic Circle! You got that?
Captain Stillman: [contrite] Yes, sir... thank you, sir.
Col. Glass: Good.
[turns and leaves]
Cruiser: My hobbies are fast cars and fast women because uh... that's why my... the guys in my car club call me the 'cruiser'.
Dewey Oxburger: Should have called him the dork!
Russell Ziskey: [after Winger pulls a gun on border guards] Do the words "act of war" mean anything to you?
John Winger: I have... a plan.
Russell Ziskey: Great! Custer had a plan, too.
John Winger: How much can you straighten out in one week?
Anita: It hasn't been a week, John. It's been six months! Nothing's changed! You sleep until noon and then you watch "Rocky and Bullwinkle" and then you drive your... , what, a couple of hours? You come home and you order out food and then you play those stupid Tito Puente albums until two in the morning!
John Winger: Tito Puente is going to be dead and you're going to say, "Oh, I've been listening to him for years and I think he's fabulous."
Anita: That's right. And then you watch movies until dawn and then - then you come to bed with me.
John Winger: You don't think that takes energy? You're a sexual dynamo! Most guys couldn't even handle you. I've been readin' books on the outside just so I can keep up with you!
Anita: It's not funny. You're going nowhere, John. It's just not that cute anymore.
John Winger: It's a little cute. Come on, I'm part of a lost and restless generation. What do you want me to do? Run for the Senate?
Anita: John, no. It's not going to work! Look, I like you; but, I need something more. I need somebody whose going to develop with me and somebody whose going to grow with me. Goodbye.
John Winger: Grow?
John Winger: Who can grow more than me? Talk about massive potential for growth! I am the little acorn that becomes the oak!
Sergeant Hulka: You're all in this together!
Sergeant Hulka: One of these men may save your life one of these days. You understand that?
John Winger: Then again, maybe one of us won't.
John Winger: You know what the rest of your problem is?
Stella Hansen: Tell me.
John Winger: You've never had anybody give you the Aunt Jemima treatment.
John Winger: Who's your friend? Who's your buddy? I am, aren't I? You're crazy about me, aren't you?
Russell Ziskey: Find John, will ya. I'm gonna kill 'em.
John Winger: We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?
Sergeant Hulka: Now, since nobody else has got the guts...
[turns to John]
Sergeant Hulka: ...to admit it, the rest of this platoon... will do the next two weekends on KP.
Sergeant Hulka: How's that sound to you, mister?
John Winger: I think it sucks.
Corporal, Stillman's aide: [Stillman is in his office, using a telescope to spy out his window and into the women's shower... Glass and the corporal walk in] Excuse me, C-C-Captain...
Captain Stillman: [angry] When I don't want to be disturbed...
Col. Glass: [interrupting] STILLMAN!
Captain Stillman: [breaks the window and sends the telescope through it, then turns around and stands at attention] Yes, sir!
Corporal, Stillman's aide: Colonel Glass to see you, sir.
Captain Stillman: I can see that, Corporal! Dismissed.
Captain Stillman: Oh, it's a pleasure to see you, sir!
Col. Glass: Let's skip the bullshit, Captain. I have a problem, and I need your help. Are you familiar with the EM-50 project we have in Italy?
Captain Stillman: Yes... it's a tank... or something.
Col. Glass: [impatiently] It's an Urban Assault Vehicle!
uncredited: Boxer or Jockey?
John Winger: You got something in a low-rise bikini? Mesh, if possible.
Captain Hollister: Intelligence?
John Winger: John Winger: Some
John Winger: [emerging with Stella from foot locker in general's bedroom] Well, that was interesting.
John Winger: [Deleted scene. After finding out misinformation from Captain Stillman about Sgt. Hulka's accident] . That's not what I heard.
Captain Stillman: [Stillman leaps from his desk and knocks over the telephone] Who said that?
[to one of the cadets]
Captain Stillman: Pick that up! Who said that!
Captain Stillman: Was it you?
John Winger: I said it.
Captain Stillman: [angrily] Now, I don't care what you heard. My sources told me that Sgt. Crocker was in guilt of the accident and unable to control his men!
John Winger: Have it your way... sir.
Captain Stillman: You bet I will, soldier. Now, I don't want to hear one more insubordinate word from anyone in this platoon. The subject is closed. You better stop worrying about what happened to Sgt. Hulka and start worrying about how you're all going to pass graduation, tomorrow. You have three days to get it together and if you want my honest opinion
Captain Stillman: You're not going to make it.
Russell Ziskey: [At the airport Russell is walking towards a limo with his arm around Louise upon returning home to the USA from Czechoslovakia] No questions please. We just want to go to our hotel room and have some really serious sex!
John Winger: This doesn't look bad.
Russell Ziskey: What? The Army? You're kidding.
John Winger: No. I've always thought about joining the Army.
Russell Ziskey: Bull shit, you're not the type.
Russell Ziskey: What do you mean I'm not the type? I've seen the kind of guys that enlist in the Army. I saw them when I was working in unemployment. They're just like us, except they're not as - sophisticated.
Russell Ziskey: Yeah, they're not as old either.
Russell Ziskey: [talking in his sleep] No. No, don't stop. Don't stop. I'll still respect you. I'll respect you even more. Just use more whipped cream!
Captain Stillman: Sergeant, we've traced the EM-50 to Germany. They're probably heading for East Berlin.
Sergeant Hulka: Sir, if you'll take my advice, there's a crack squad in the 42nd. It can link up with the air recon. We'd have that EM-50 back here in this side of 24 hours.
Captain Stillman: Nothing doing. If we went to outside units, we'd be the laughing stock of the entire armed forces. We will do this our selves.
Sergeant Hulka: Sir, those numb nuts can't even tie their own shoelaces.
Ox: [to the ladies before getting on the bus] Excuse me, stewardess. Is there a movie on this flight?
John Winger: [knocking on the door of the room the soldiers are being held prisoner in] Hello? Hello?
Dewey Oxburger: Hello?
John Winger: [in a falsetto voice] Hello.
Dewey Oxburger: Who is it?
John Winger: It's Idi Amin.
Elmo: It's Winger!
Dowager in Cab: If that's humor don't bother
John Winger: [walking into the Pom Pom Club, seeing the female mud wrestlers] This might be fun.
John Winger: Have you been doing your special exercises?
John Winger: I brought the magic suitcase.