- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Hello Polly.
- Polly Reed: Irving!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: You look like an anemic turtle.
- Polly Reed: You're gonna let that SHYSTER on?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: I could sue you for calling me that, Polly! A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'M a QUACK!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Come to think of it, why should I give you a vitamin shot? I'm the one with the hangover. B-12, B-Complex, Crude Liver, and a generous jolt of adrenal cortex. Chased by a Bloody Mary. L'chaim!
- Tim Culley: I thought that was a chaser.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Where would Salk or Pasteur be if they hadn't taken chances?
- [Turns to Lila]
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Now Lila, in order to inject this properly I have to expose my gluteus maximus.
- Lila: Want me to do it for ya?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Are you perchance a nurse?
- Lila: No, I used to be a junkie.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Would it endanger your amateur standing if I asked you to use a sterilized needle?
- Lila: You're the doctor.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
- Agnes: I mean, how erotic do you really want to go?
- Felix Farmer: Go, go. E-R-O-T-I-C! Go! Go! Go!
- Agnes: Sally Miles, America's G-rated darling, in the B-U-F-F?
- Felix Farmer: Why not?
- Agnes: Ohhhh, Felix darling, some of her fans still don't think she goes to the bathroom!
- Tim Culley: Felix, for the last 40 years I've lived a life of dedicated debauchery. I've consumed enough booze to destroy a dozen healthy livers. I've filled my lungs with enough nicotine to poison the entire population of Orange County. I've engaged in sexual excesses that make Caligula look like a celibate monk. I have, in fact, conscientiously, day in and day out, for more years than you've been in this best of all possible worlds, tried to kill myself and I've never felt better in my life. So, if you're really going to end it all, I can show you at least a half-dozen better ways to do it.
- Tim Culley: What'd you give him?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Oh, a pinch of this, a dash of that. Sometimes referred to in the trade as a Sleeping Beauty Boilermaker. Take no notice if he begins to levitate. It's a common side effect.
- Felix Farmer: Can she work?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows? I was specifically requested to alleviate her anxiety. Work was never mentioned.
- Felix Farmer: Irving, she's got a very big scene to do!
- Sally Miles: [laughing] I'm going to show my boobies. What do you think, Irving, you've seen my boobies. Hmm, are they worth showing?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Well, since I can only render an evaluation based on a completely impersonal, purely professional examination of the subject, uh, subjects, I would have to say that in my humble opinion you've got a terrific pair of knockers.
- [Polly Reed is about to enter through the back door]
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: I remember this scene in "The Thing." There was this horrible monster on the other side of the...
- Ben Coogan: [distressed] Will you shut up! I swear...
- [Polly Reed comes through the kitchen door]
- Ben Coogan: Hi, Polly!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Amazing coincidence! I was just talking about you.
- Polly Reed: Oh, were you really, Irving?
- Ben Coogan: What are we going to do with him? It?
- Tim Culley: I've been thinking: a burial at sea.
- Ben Coogan: Beautiful. A burial at sea.
- Ben Coogan: I don't like to be a party pooper, but I get seasick.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: A-ha! The last of your excremental bodily functions! Worthy of the Guinness Book of Records.
- Tim Culley: Felix, as far as you know, have I ever lied to you?
- Felix Farmer: Never.
- Tim Culley: Well, I have, once or twice. About nothing that was too important. But now the fact that I have admitted that on occasion I have lied to you should convince you that I'm a fairly honest man. And when it comes to the crunch, I can handle myself with an acceptable degree of integrity. Now, do you agree?
- Felix Farmer: Wholeheartedly.
- Tim Culley: I'm going to give it to you straight, old friend.
- Felix Farmer: You think I'm crazy.
- Tim Culley: Well, that's a little straighter than I intended.
- Felix Farmer: Maybe, Culley, maybe. Hey, I tried to kill myself four times. Hardly rational. $16 Million-plus for a flop, every cent I have in the world - Not what most people would consider a very sane act. But, insane, Culley? What if I'm right? If my vision is valid, Culley, not so crazy, a more acceptable insanity. Culley, that's all beside the point. Sane and miserable or insane and bursting with greater joy and happiness. THAT'S the point, Culley. And in the final analysis, who says "He's sane therefore he should" or "He's insane, therefore he shouldn't"? Culley, come on, even if I'm wrong, and I'm not, I'm full of fire, Culley! I'm a blazing comet!
- Tim Culley: Comets burn out, pal.
- Felix Farmer: But, Ah, my foes, and Oh, my friends, it gives a lovely light.
- Ben Coogan: [looking at Felix's corpse with a fishing rod in his hands] What if he catches something?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: [laughs]
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Ben, do you realize that in a matter of a few hours you have demonstrated most of your excremental bodily functions.
- Ben Coogan: I haven't sneezed.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: A sneeze is expiratory, not excremental.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: What is that?
- Tim Culley: Sounds like someone left a faucet running.
- Ben Coogan: I'm peeing!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Into what?
- Ben Coogan: My pants!
- [after placing Felix's corpse in the back seat of a convertible]
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: He'd be less conspicuous if he had his eyes open.
- Ben Coogan: He'd be less conspicuous if he was back in his box!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: He bought her this boat on their 14th wedding anniversary. They sailed her to Catalina. Sally flew home. I don't think Felix has been on her more than once or twice since then.
- Ben Coogan: No wonder Sally wants a divorce.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Because he bought her a boat?
- Ben Coogan: Well, he's only been on her once or twice since!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: On the BOAT!
- Felix Farmer: [pitching to his studio execs the far-out erotic themed movie revision of his flop movie, "Night Wind"] But we blew it, we didn't grab 'em. Why? Do you know why? I'll tell you why. Because dying fathers and lying mothers are a dime a dozen these days! Home and family have become civilization's antiques - along with the flag, Sunday school, Girl Scout cookies, C.B. DeMille, and virginity. We gave them virtue, they want *vice*! We sold them schmaltz, they prefer sadomasochism! Instead of the American Dream, it should have been the American *wet dream*!
- The Guru: Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to bid farewell to a great man and a loving friend. Who had given us some great pictures: Cyclone City, Dream Angel, Hellbent for Texas, Love on a Pogo Stick, Modern Rust, Earth Rise, Crème De La Crème, Tall Man from Tennessee, Chicken at The Wheel, Sea Dog, Invasion of The Pickle People, Odyssey of Pain, Pagan Plunder, and his last & greatest moving-picture extravaganza - Night Wind. But what greater tribute than to quote from the Hollywood Motion Picture Textually?
- [holding a newspaper on Night Wind's B.O. Hurricane]
- The Guru: Can you see that? "Night Wind B.O. Hurricane, $3-Mil Take in 7 Cities, Labor Weekend. CAP V.P. Blackman Predicts 200 Million." $200 million gross! $200 million! Are we not happy for him, wherever he is?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: If he doesn't remember me, mention his first clap.
- Ben Coogan: I'm gonna kill you one day!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: I didn't give it to him. I cured him!
- Tim Culley: You stay in the car.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Who stay in the car?
- Tim Culley: Him. Stay in the car.
- Ben Coogan: I don't wanna stay in the car.
- Tim Culley: Look, we've got to be sly and stealthy, and you're too pissed!
- Ben Coogan: Bullshit, I can be just as sty and slealthy as you can.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: It's rise or fall together, culley. It's The Three Muscatels.
- Polly Reed: [to her husband whom she's sharing a hospital room] Open your mouth Willard, and I'll smear Krazy Glue on your bed pan!
- The Gardener: It's not such a good idea to sit in here with the motor running. ¡Hijo de la chingada! (son of a bitch!)
- Felix Farmer: We're in business. All right. Writers, writers. Who wrote "Last Tango"?
- Tim Culley: Beats me.
- Felix Farmer: My God, Culley, neither one of us knows who wrote "Last Tango."
- Tim Culley: I hated it. I can never remember the names of people that perpetrate something i hate.
- Felix Farmer: But that's the trouble, don't you see? I hated it, too!
- Tim Culley: In my opinion, a discretionary judgment.
- Felix Farmer: But we're wrong, Culley. That's what they want. That's where it's at!
- Tim Culley: It's been my experience that every time I think I know where "it's at," it's usually somewhere else.
- Sally Miles: You know, you are sexually notorious.
- Tim Culley: Semi-fraudulent reputation - which I do everything I can to encourage.
- Sally Miles: *Why*?
- Tim Culley: Because it's the best way for an *old* man to compete in a *young* man's world.
- Ben Coogan: [Observing Sally Miles on the set, who is acting noticeably high after Dr. Finegarten's dressing room injection] Is she gonna' be all right?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: [matter-of-factly] Well, it depends on what you mean by "all right." I once cured an amateur skydiver of acute acrophobia. Now, you could say he was all right, because he was able to jump. But you could also say he was *not* all right, because he was so stoned he neglected to open his parachute.
- Ben Coogan: You know, Irving, you're a real *twat*!
- Polly Reed: [after being denied entry to the studio while Dr. Finegarten is allowed into it] You're gonna let that shyster in?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: [coming back out to address Polly] I could sue you for calling me that. A shyster is a disreputable lawyer. I'm a quack!
- Tim Culley: It's been my experience that when I think I know where something is at, it's usually somewhere else.
- Babs: I'd like to nude-sunbathe, but I don't wanna get busted.
- Tim Culley: Darling, you already are busted.
- Babs: Then you think it's all right?
- Tim Culley: I think it's a wonderful idea.
- Babs: Great! Here goes nothing.
- [takes her top off and goes out to the porch]
- Tim Culley: If that's her idea of nothing, can you imagine her concept of something?
- Ben Coogan: [Culley, Ben and Dr. Finegarten are toasting Felix, whose corpse is seated with them at the table] To our late, great host.
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: A sweet soul adrift in a sea of sour grapes.
- Ben Coogan: "A sea of sour grapes"?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Think about it.
- David Blackman: Yeah, what about Culley, for Christ's sake? Shacked up with some 16-year-old girl and a case of Jack Daniels. Got a 6-picture deal, pay or play. What the Hell does he care?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: He'll be fine. But i'm not so sure about you, Ben.
- Ben Coogan: What's the matter?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: You look like 180 pounds of condemned veal.
- Felix Farmer: Gino, new choreography. The animals are out. Somehow, i don't think bestiality makes it musically.
- [storms in, Felix gets into ninja mode]
- Felix Farmer: I must warn you - my hands are lethal weapons.
- Sally Miles: Oh, so's your goddamn fountain pen!
- Tim Culley: I'd better be going...
- Sally Miles: You stay wherever you are, Culley! You're a witness! You lunatic! You maniac! $16 million? Felix, half of that money is mine!
- Felix Farmer: That entitles you to 50% of the profits!
- Sally Miles: That entitles me to have you arrested for grand theft, larceny, fraud, embezzlement, you thieving, filthy son of a bitch!
- Felix Farmer: Sally Miles SWEARS!
- Sally Miles: Give me my money or I... WILL... KILL YOU!
- Felix Farmer: Sally Miles KILLS!
- Sally Miles: [She throws her Oscar at Felix and smashes a window] OHHH SHIT!
- Felix Farmer: Sally Miles says SHIT! Whoo-hoo! It's $100 million dollars at the box office! $200 million! HA HA, Peter Pan is Dead! Long live Gillian West, nymphomaniac executive!
- [chortling]
- Felix Farmer: Not since Edison, not since Griffith, not since Jolson! We'll make motion-picture history! Ah! A cinematic monument to man's immorality, a celluloid prophecy of the holocaust to come. For if God spared, not the angels that sinned. But cast them down to hell, and delivered them into chains of darkness. To reserve them for judgment, and spared not the old world. But saved Noah, the eighth person, a preacher of righteousness, bringing the flood upon the world of the ungodly.
- [Ben, who stands above Felix from the hole in his bedroom floor, vomits onto him below]
- Sally Miles: Aah! Oh, god!
- Dick Benson: [on the phone with Joyce's father] It's his ass and your ass, too, Harry. Got it? Uh, Joyce sends her best.
- Dick Benson: I called the Bel Air house and Palm Springs. I didn't get an answer. I tried his beach number And got some deranged Chinaman.
- Officer Phil Buchwald: Tell Mr. Farmer, if he ever does a movie about the cops, I got enough stories to fill a steamer trunk.
- Tim Culley: I'll tell him.
- Officer Phil Buchwald: And none of that "Serpico" crap - the real cops.
- Eva Brown: You know this town, Sweetie. You could smoke dope and end up going steady with your afghan, and you're just one of the gang. But, you, you're Peter Pan.
- Babs: What are the laws on nude sunbathing?
- Officer Phil Buchwald: I'd have to come back and arrest you.
- Babs: Bet I could talk you out of it.
- Felix Farmer: Whoo-Hoo! I got it! Whoo-Hoo! Sex, Culley! That's the answer! We'll give them a $40 million pornographic love epic! Whoo-Hoo!
- Lila: Cully!
- Tim Culley: Yeah?
- Lila: I'm starved. What do I do about dinner?
- Tim Culley: What do you normally do about dinner?
- Lila: Eat.
- Tim Culley: Well, why should today be any different?
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: And we're out of vodka.
- Tim Culley: Geez, Irving, I just opened another fifth!
- Dr. Irving Finegarten: Then it's only fair that I open the next one.
- Felix Farmer: We'll reshoot. We'll make Gillian West, frigid businesswoman, Gillian West, nymphomaniac executive. Packard Dehibbert, rugged male chauvinist, is really a transvestite!
- David Blackman: Felix.
- Felix Farmer: The dream sequence will become erotic orgies!
- David Blackman: Felix.
- Felix Farmer: It is perfect! It is a 20th-Century Sodom and Gomorrah, And in the end, God turns Gillian into saltpeter!
- David Blackman: Felix, for god's sake...
- Felix Farmer: Think of it, David. Like the phoenix rising from the ashes, "Night Wind" will become the greatest moneymaking film In motion picture history. Today, a $30 million flop. Tomorrow, a $40 million Box-Office Champion!
- David Blackman: You expect me to put up another $11 million for what is maybe the worst piece of crap that i have ever seen?
- Sally Miles: My public will see! My children will see!
- Felix Farmer: It will be R-rated. They won't even let them in!
- Sally Miles: But they'll know! Don't you care if they know? God, Felix, they're your children, too.
- Felix Farmer: Sophia Loren has children. I hear she's a wonderful mother. She would never do anything to hurt her children, And God knows the public has seen her...
- Sally Miles: Oh, I know!
- Felix Farmer: Ben? Culley?
- Tim Culley: Glenda Jackson.
- Felix Farmer: Glenda Jackson! A fantastic mother.
- Ben Coogan: Venessa. Vanessa Redgrave.
- Felix Farmer: You'll never find a better mother. Somebody who's not English.
- Tim Culley: Jane Fonda.
- Felix Farmer: Jane Fonda!
- Tim Culley: Shirley MacLaine.
- Felix Farmer: Shirley MacLaine!
- Ben Coogan: Liv Ullmann! Liv Ullmann!
- Felix Farmer: Liv Ullmann?
- Ben Coogan: I think so.
- Felix Farmer: [respectfully] Liv - Ullmann.
- Felix Farmer: I broke you and I can make you. It's *rotten*, but it's a revelation. We fail that we may succeed!
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