- Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
- Dole Office Clerk: What?
- Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
- Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
- Comicus: *Grumble*...
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
- Comicus: No.
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
- Comicus: Yes!
- Empress Nympho: Bob?
- Bob: Yes, Your Highness?
- Empress Nympho: Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
- Crowd: Whooooaaaaaaa!
- Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
- Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
- Crowd: Whoooaaaaaaa!
- Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
- Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
- Swiftus: How poor are they?
- Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
- [drumbeat, everyone laughs]
- Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
- Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
- Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
- Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
- Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
- Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
- Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
- [impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
- Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
- Crowd: Au-haw-haw.
- Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
- King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
- Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
- Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
- Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
- [He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
- Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
- Jacques: None!
- Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
- Jacques: None!
- Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
- [Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
- Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
- Citizen Official: What is your last request?
- Jacques: Novocaine!
- [the Official confers with the Executioner]
- Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
- Jacques: I'll wait!
- Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
- Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
- Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
- Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
- King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
- Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
- [Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
- Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
- [while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
- Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
- Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
- Stoned Soldier: What?
- Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
- Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!
- Marcus Vindictus: [TV edit] ... There he is! Seize him!
- Marcus Vindictus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
- Comicus: [confidentially] No! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
- Marcus Vindictus: Arrest him!
- [His troops grab Josephus]
- Marcus Vindictus: Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
- [Onlookers raise their hands while shouting]
- Marcus Vindictus: Okay... You had your hand up first.
- 1st Onlooker: Death by torture!
- Marcus Vindictus: No. You?
- 2nd Onlooker: Crucifixion!
- Marcus Vindictus: Wrong. You?
- 3rd Onlooker: They shove a living snake up your ass!
- Marcus Vindictus: Ah, no. But that's very creative.
- Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
- Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
- Count de Monet: At least I have them!
- Bearnaise: Bitch!
- Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
- King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
- Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
- Chief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion. Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness. Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy. Let's face it... you can't Torquemada anything!
- [while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
- Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
- Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
- [she moves to another one, dancing harder]
- Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
- Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
- [she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
- Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
- Captain Mucus: Hmm.
- Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
- Auctioneer: What country are you from?
- Josephus: Ethiopia.
- Auctioneer: What part?
- Josephus: 125th Street!
- Bearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
- Count de Monet: Yes?
- Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.
- Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...
- Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
- Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
- Gladiator - The Roman Empire: No.
- Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
- Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
- Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
- King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
- King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
- King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
- Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
- Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
- [kicks Marcus in the groin]
- Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money!
- Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
- Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
- Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.
- King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
- Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
- King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
- Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
- [Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
- King Louis XVI: What did he say?
- Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
- King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
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