History of the World: Part I (1981)
Moses: The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...
[drops one of the tablets]
Moses: Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!
Comicus: Have you heard of this new sect, the Christians? They are a laugh riot! First of all, they are so poor...
Swiftus: How poor are they?
Comicus: Thank you! They are so poor... that they only have *one* God!
[drumbeat, everyone laughs]
Comicus: But we Romans are rich. We've got a lot of gods. We've got a god for everything. The only thing we don't have a god for is premature ejaculation... but I hear that's coming quickly.
Oedipus: [walking around collecting donations] Give to Oedipus! Give to Oedipus! Hey, Josephus!
Josephus: Hey, motherfucker!
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher.
Dole Office Clerk: What?
Comicus: Stand-up philosopher. I coalesce the vapors of human experience into a viable and meaningful comprehension.
Dole Office Clerk: Oh, a *bullshit* artist!
Dole Office Clerk: Did you bullshit last week?
Dole Office Clerk: Did you *try* to bullshit last week?
Empress Nympho: Bob?
Bob: Yes, Your Highness?
Empress Nympho: Oh, Bob, do I have any openings that this man might fit?
Bob: Well, we could use another wine steward.
Josephus: I got a great corkscrew!
Josephus: Damn, this a hip crowd!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh Nympho, I would do anything to gain your favor. How can I catch you? How can ensnare you? What bait must I use to catch your love? I am your servant!
Empress Nympho: Ah, but the servant waits, while the *master* baits!
Leader of Senate: All fellow members of the Roman senate hear me. Shall we continue to build palace after palace for the rich? Or shall we aspire to a more noble purpose and build decent housing for the poor? How does the senate vote?
Entire Senate: FUCK THE POOR!
Madame DeFarge: We are so poor, we do not even have a language! Just this stupid accent!
Fellow Revolutionist: She's right, she's right! We all talk like Maurice Chevalier!
[impersonates the Chevalier laugh]
Fellow Revolutionist: Au-haw-haw.
Count de Monet: Your Majesty, you look like the piss-boy!
King Louis XVI: And you look like a bucket of shit!
Jew #1: I was sittin' flickin' chickens / And I'm looking through the pickins' / When suddenly these goys break down my walls / I didn't even know them / And they grab me by the scrotum / And they started playing ping-pong with my balls / Oy the agony / Oh the shame / To make your privates public for a game!
Jacques: Don't cry, my dear. I may not have been born a king, or lived like a king. But at least I can die like a king!
[He strides to the guillotine with dignity]
Citizen Official: Your Majesty, do you require a blindfold?
Citizen Official: Have you any last request?
Citizen Official: Test the guillotine!
[Another executioner triggers the guillotine; the blade comes down and chops the head off a wooden dummy]
Jacques: *Holy shit!* Uh, wait! Wait! Last request! I have a last request!
Citizen Official: What is your last request?
[the Official confers with the Executioner]
Citizen Official: There is no such thing known to medical science!
Jacques: I'll wait!
Empress Nympho: [to her litter bearers] Could you *please* step on the same foot at the same time! My tits are falling off!
King Louis XVI: Knight jumps queen! Bishop jumps queen! Pawns jump queen! *Gangbang*!
Count de Monet: It is said that the people are revolting.
King Louis XVI: You said it! They stink on ice!
[while disguised as King Louis, Jacques agrees to release Mademoiselle Rimbaud's father]
Jacques: [searching the forms in Louis's desk] Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution, Execution... tough guy.
Jew #2: I was sitting in a temple / I was minding my own business / I was listening to a lovely Hebrew mass / Then these papist persons plunge in / And they throw me in the dungeon / And they shove a red-hot poker up my ass / Is that considerate? / Is that polite? / And not a tube of Preparation-H in sight!
Marcus Vindictus: Don't you know your right flank from your left flank?
Captain Mucus: I'm sorry sir, I flunked flank.
Marcus Vindictus: You flunked flank? Get the flunk out of here!
[Condemned for offending Emperor Caesar with his stand-up routine]
Comicus: Boy, when you die at the palace, you really DIE at the palace!
Judas: No, No! Leave us alone!
Comicus: All right, all right! Jesus!
Comicus: You said what.
Empress Nympho: Virgins, put on your "no entry" signs! We are about to confront... guys!
Bearnaise: I don't like your cuffs!... I don't like your cuffs! I don't like your cuffs! A man's cuffs should be even with the tip of his 'pee-pee'. Yours are all the way down to your balls!
Count de Monet: At least I have them!
Marcus Vindictus: ...There he is! Seize him!
Josephus: [grabs crotch] Seize *this*, honkus!
Comicus: [confidentially] NO! Don't ever say that to the Fuzz!
Marcus Vindictus: Arrest him!
[His troops grab Josephus]
Marcus Vindictus: Do you know the punishment for a slave who strikes a Roman citizen?
[onlookers raise their hands]
Marcus Vindictus: Okay... You had your hand up first.
1st Onlooker: Death by torture!
Marcus Vindictus: [DELETED LINE] Uhm... Be more specific, please.
1st Onlooker: [DELETED LINE] ... You get drawn and quartered?
Marcus Vindictus: [DELETED LINE] I don't think that's been invented yet; who's got the encyclopedia...?
[Mucus brings him a box marked "World Scroll / 61 A.D. Edition". Vindictus produces a scroll marked "D"]
Marcus Vindictus: ... Drawing and Quartering. See "Torture".
[He selects another scroll, this one marked "T"]
Marcus Vindictus: Ah, here it is... No; that one doesn't come along until the Dark Ages. Good guess, however. You?
2nd Onlooker: Crucifixion!
Marcus Vindictus: [DELETED LINE] Wrong; that's the penalty for *high treason*. Still, very good guess. You?
3rd Onlooker: [DELETED LINE] They force-feed you a mess of laxatives and then lock you in an airtight room, so that you choke to death on your own flatulence!
Marcus Vindictus: [DELETED LINE] Uh, that's not correct, but... Hey, are you writing this down? We might have some work for this guy! Come on, write it down!
Captain Mucus: [DELETED LINE] Hm, a *gas chamber*.
Captain Mucus: That'll never catch on.
[while Josephus is hiding among the eunuchs, Caladonia dances erotically in front of them to test them]
Marcus Vindictus: He's a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to another one, dancing harder]
Marcus Vindictus: *He's* a eunuch.
Captain Mucus: Mmm-hmm.
[she moves to a third one, dancing even harder]
Marcus Vindictus: He's *dead!*
Captain Mucus: Hmm.
Stoned Soldier: Do you care if it falls?
Stoned Soldier: What?
Stoned Soldier: The Roman Empire?
Stoned Soldier: [laughs] Fuck it!
Torquemada: [singing] I asked 'em nicely! I said pretty please! They wouldn't convert, so I'll bang on their knees!
Auctioneer: What country are you from?
Auctioneer: What part?
Josephus: 125th Street!
Bearnaise: Pardon! Pardon! Pardon!
Count de Monet: Yes?
Bearnaise: You are pissing on my shoe.
Count de Monet: [grinning] Sorry...
Dole Office Clerk: Occupation?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Gladiator.
Dole Office Clerk: Did you kill last week?
Dole Office Clerk: Did you try to kill last week?
Gladiator - The Roman Empire: Yeah.
Dole Office Clerk: Now, listen, this is your last week of unemployment insurance. Either you kill somebody next week or we're going to have to change your status, got it?
Chief Monk: Torquemada - do not beg him for mercy. Torquemada - do not ask him for forgiveness. Let's face it - you can't Torquemada anything!
Poppinjay: [muffled in to megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
King Louis XVI: What the hell did you say?
Poppinjay: [turning to King Louis XVI without removing the megaphone] Pawn threatens bishop!
Jaques: Josephus! How did you get here from the Roman Empire?
Josephus: Don't be square, mon cher! Movies is magic!
Josephus: Not to worry, not to worry... we are now armed with *mighty joint!*
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty! I was raised in a convent. I don't indulge in pleasures of the flesh.
King Louis XVI: You don't put out, he don't get out.
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: Your Majesty, I simply don't do it.
King Louis XVI: Come on, you do it. You love to do it. We all do it. You do it...
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: No, I don't!
King Louis XVI: I do it, I love to do it. I just did it and I'm ready to do it again, don't tell me you don't do it!
Chemist: What are you looking for?
Marcus Vindictus: A pack of Trojans!
Chemist: Gee, I just ran out!
Marcus Vindictus: [lifts sword] Goodbye, head!
Comicus: [grabs Marcus's sword arm] Hello, balls!
[kicks Marcus in the groin]
Marcus Vindictus: Caladonia! Let's make their big head so hard!
Insolent Flunky: Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: De Monet! Say it... Mo - nay! Say it with me, Mo - nay!
Miriam: Miracle! Oh, what a beautiful name! What's yours?
Comicus: Miracle... uh, Comicus. I'm a stand-up philosopher.
Miriam: Oh, I'm Miriam. I'm a Vestal Virgin.
Comicus: I'm really sorry to hear that!
Josephus: [pouring the Empress some wine] Say when.
Empress Nympho: [she looks him up and down] 8:30.
King Louis XVI: Ah, the Count Da Money!
Count de Monet: It's "De Mon... "
King Louis XVI: DON'T correct me!
Captain Mucus: [stoned] You men go northwest! You men go southwest! I'm gonna walk around right here in a circle.
Marcus Vindictus: The rest of you will run with Mucas!
[all soldiers start muttering 'ewwww']
Jacques: [about to be executed in Louis's place] Please, please believe me, I'm not the king!
Jacques: This is a very hard crowd!
Chief Monk: Torquemada... do not implore him for compassion.Torquemada... do not beg him for forgiveness.Torquemada... do not ask him for mercy.Let's face it,you can't Torquemada anything!
Narrator: And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth... the critic.
[Rimbaud's father has been thrown in prison for making an offhand remark at a party]
King Louis XVI: What did he say?
Mademoiselle Rimbaud: He said, "The poor ain't so bad."
King Louis XVI: [shocked] "The poor ain't so bad?" Huh, you're lucky he's still alive!
King Louis XVI: [sniffs cocaine into each nostril] Everything's so green.
Marcus Vindictus: Oh, Caesar. I've spread civilization to the farthest reaches of the Empire! I've conquered and subdued the barbaric hordes in the name of Rome! I've penetrated into the farthest...
Emperor Nero: What's under the sheet?
Marcus Vindictus: Sheet?
Emperor Nero: SHEET!
Marcus Vindictus: Oh! Oh, the sheet! Yes, to begin with, Number One, a beautiful, hand-carved, alabaster...
[whips off the sheet]
Marcus Vindictus: Bathing basin!
Emperor Nero: Nice. Nice. Not thrilling, but nice.
King Louis XVI: Ah, now there's a naughty bit o' crumpet!
Plumbing Salesman: Yes, citizens, plumbing! It's the latest invention to hit Rome! It moves water from one place to another! It's astounding, it's amazing! Get on the bandwagon! Pipe the shit right out of your house!
Monsieur Rimbaud: [falls flat on face] What fool put a carpet on the wall?
Madame DeFarge: We, the people of France...
Fellow Revolutionist: Fraunce.
Madame DeFarge: Fraunce...
[as Marcus approaches the Emperor's throne in triumph]
Court Spokesman: [whispering in his ear] Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou art mortal! Remember, thou...
Marcus Vindictus: [whispering] Oh, blow it out your ass!
[Comicus escapes by kicking Marcus in the groin]
Captain Mucus: Commander, what happened? Where are they?
Marcus Vindictus: [high-pitched voice] Get the horses! Get the chariots! Get the men!
Captain Mucus: Onward!
[the soldiers start to run, but Marcus stops him]
Marcus Vindictus: Get me an ice pack! Hurry!
Miriam: We've got to get out of Rome!
Josephus: But how? The streets are crawling with soldiers! See?
[they look down and see soldiers crawling, literally, across the street]
[hawking in the Forum]
Column Salesman: Columns, columns! Get your columns here! Ionic, Doric, Corinthian! Put a few columns in front, turn any hovel into a showplace! Columns...! Sir, don't touch the merchandise! All right now, columns, columns!
Marcus Vindictus: [When a feather on Josephus' fan rises depicting an erection] The jig is up!
Josephus: And gone!
Josephus: You're the first white person I even *considered* liking.
Entrepreneur - The Roman Empire: I'm very excited about it. It's a new concept. It's called a centerfold.
Soothsayer - The Roman Empire: Sooth! Soothsaying! Get your sooth said right here. I can tell the future. You, sir! For a wee fee of two drachmas, I can tell you your future. Yes, yes, I see... I see... I see that you are going on a long journey. Yes. You, sir, are going to Rome.
Roman Citizen - The Roman Empire: But I am in Rome.
Soothsayer - The Roman Empire: Do I lie? Sooth, sooth! We give great sooth!
Comicus: [as a waiter at The Last Supper] Are you all together or is this separate checks?