The Great Muppet Caper (1981)
Fozzie: [pleading] We'll do better next time.
News Editor: Next time? Next time!
[pounds fist into desk]
News Editor: What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Kermit: Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.
Miss Piggy: [to Nicky] You! It was you! Kermit was right! You're a phony. You're a phony! Yes, you are! And you know what, you can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed!
[Kermit is sitting on a bench - a man and his daughter walk by]
Girl: Look, Dad. There's a bear.
Father: No, Christine, that's a frog. Bears wear hats.
Miss Piggy: [Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie] Why are you telling me all this?
Lady Holiday: It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.
[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]
Fozzie: Nobody reads those names anyway, do they?
Kermit: Sure. They all have families.
[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]
Gonzo: Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie!
Kermit: Oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.
Kermit: [In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?
Fozzie: Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?
Gonzo: That'd be neat.
Kermit: Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.
Fozzie: Oh. Where are they?
[Title card appears]
Kermit: The Great Muppet Caper.
Fozzie: Nice title.
Kermit: Now if we want to get Miss Piggy out of jail, we're gonna have to catch those thieves red-handed.
[Beauregard raises his hand]
Kermit: Yes, Beau?
Beauregard: What color are their hands now?
Gonzo: Wait a minute! Hold it right there. Don't go home yet.
[holds up his camera]
Gonzo: Say cheese!
[takes a picture and the screen goes black]
Gonzo: I'll send you each a copy.
Pops: Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?
Kermit: What are our choices?
Pops: A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.
Fozzie: We'll take C.
Pops: Very popular choice.
Gonzo: Stop the presses!
News Editor: Why? What happened?
Gonzo: I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.
Nicky Holiday: Miss Piggy... You're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin...
Miss Piggy: Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.
Kermit: We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.
British Gentleman: How cheap?
British Gentleman: Well, that narrows the field a bit.
[reading from his guide]
British Gentleman: Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...
Kermit: Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.
Gonzo: What's wrong with bus terminals?
[all fall silent except Janice]
Janice: Look, Mother. It's my life, okay? So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked... Oh.
Lady Holiday: Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.
Nicky Holiday: For complimenting you on your necklace?
Lady Holiday: No, because it's customary.
Nicky Holiday: I haven't any change.
Lady Holiday: Then give him something bigger.
Nicky Holiday: *Bigger*? I left my wallet at home.
Lady Holiday: You left your wallet in college.
Prison Guard: Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy: What?
Prison Guard: Your lawyer is here to see you.
Miss Piggy: Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.
Prison Guard: Och, sure you do. Little green guy.
Miss Piggy: [short intake of breath] Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.
British Gentleman: For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.
Kermit: No, no. We're bears and frogs.
Gonzo: And Gonzos.
Kermit: But... Nicky, why are you doing this?
Nicky Holiday: Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain. It's pure and simple.
Fozzie: [drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I suggest we jump.
Fozzie: Are you crazy? That's at least a hundred feet!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: I didn't say it was a *good* suggestion.
Beauregard: Maybe we could jump part-way.
Fozzie: [about run-down hotel] If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.
Statler: Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!
Waldorf: Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.
Miss Piggy: [about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing] They don't have to play this loud.
Kermit: That's okay, they don't mind.
Air Steward: All out for England!
Kermit: Oh, great! The plane is landing!
Air Steward: [opens cargo door in mid-flight] The plane? No, the plane lands in Italy. *You* land in England!
Air Steward: All out for the USA.
Kermit: Great. How close are we?
Air Steward: About 30,000 feet.
Kermit: You mean...
Air Steward: [opens cargo door in mid-flight again] Yep, happy landings.
[In a hot-air balloon]
Gonzo: I'd like to try this without a balloon.
Kermit: Try what? Plummeting?
Kermit: I suppose you could try it once.
Lady Holiday: Carla, the neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think?
Carla: I rather like the effect.
Lady Holiday: You like looking like an ostrich?
Carla: [miffed] Of course not, Lady Holiday.
Lady Holiday: And Marla. Too many frills and furbelows, I don't think we should strive for the fan-tailed pigeon look, do you? And you, Darla, that outfit's the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious looking clothes?
[sitting down with a heavy sigh]
Lady Holiday: I *must* be getting senile.
[she presses a button on her desk]
Voice over intercom: Yes, Lady Holiday?
Lady Holiday: We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow, all my girls are going around looking like barnyard animals.
Miss Piggy: Ahem!
Lady Holiday: Good heavens, who are you?
Miss Piggy: My name is Miss Piggy, and I would like to be a high-fashion model!
Lady Holiday: Doesn't surprise me. Seems to be the way we're headed.
Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermy! Oh, I've missed you so!
Kermit: [stiffly] Please, the name is Rosenthal.
Kermit: I'm your attorney, that's the only way they'd let me in here.
Miss Piggy: Oh, right! Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity.
Kermit: [puzzled] It's been forty-five minutes.
Miss Piggy: Time goes slow in the cooler.
Pops: [banging on bathroom door] Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!
Kermit: Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.
Fozzie: A jewel thief!
Pops: Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!
Kermit: [on the plane to England] I think I'll read for a while.
[turns on his light and looks around]
Kermit: Uh, I wish I had a book.
Miss Piggy: [at the supper club] Well, what a delightful menu!
[Kermit looks at the menu and gasps]
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: [nervously] Oh, hah, nothing, it's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.
Kermit: Piggy? Piggy, you're overacting.
Miss Piggy: What?
Kermit: You're overacting. You're hamming it up!
Miss Piggy: I am not! I am trying to save this movie.
Kermit: Yeah, well save your performance instead!
Miss Piggy: Do you know where Lady Holliday's Baseball Diamond is being kept?
Truck Driver: Well, funny enough, I do: it's at the Mallory Gallery, a virtually impregnable fortress many miles from here.
Miss Piggy: Oh! I only have a half an hour to get there!
Truck Driver: On foot? You'll never make it.
Miss Piggy: I know! How about a ride?
Truck Driver: You can read, I presume? "No passengers."
[He points to the sticker on the truck's door]
Miss Piggy: Oh, couldn't you make an exception for little old moi?
Truck Driver: Not even for little old vous.
Miss Piggy: Pretty please?
Truck Driver: No!
Miss Piggy: [strained] I've tried to be nice.
Truck Driver: Huh?
Miss Piggy: [Piggy throws the driver out of his truck and into the garbage cans] Hii-yahh!
Oscar the Grouch: [emerges from a trash can] Hey, what's all the racket?
Truck Driver: What are you doing here?
Oscar the Grouch: A very brief cameo.
Truck Driver: Me too. Tsk, tsk.
Fozzie: [shouting] Hold it!
Fozzie: [the room grows quiet] Sha-ame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this,. for- for- for justice! For freedom! For honesty!
Scooter: Boy, do I feel ashamed.
Pops: Me, too. I feel like two cents.
Rowlf: I'm back in.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: You can count on me!
Floyd: [with a mix of sarcasm and sincerity] Oh, hey, I was only joking. Yeah, it'll be a lot of fun to go out there and risk our lives.
Dr. Teeth: [everybody says "Yeah"] All for one, and one for all.
Sam the Eagle: At times like this, I am proud to be an American.
[Sam harrumphs as he leaves the doorway]
Lady Holiday: I have grave doubts about wearing these jewels. I feel as if thieves are breathing down my neck.
Nicky Holiday: [breathing down her neck] Thieves aren't breathing down your neck.
Delivery Man: Mr. Holiday, did you order a gross of flowered socks?
Beauregard: Takes awhile to get to know the town.
Fozzie: How long have you lived in London?
Beauregard: All my life.
Kermit: How come you don't have an English accent?
Beauregard: Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!
Kermit: I hate to be rude, but we're trying to do a movie here.
[Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in wooden boxes on an airline flight]
Fozzie: Kermit, can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.
Kermit: They don't serve food in 9th class.
Fozzie: What? Twelve dollars and we don't even get a meal?
Kermit: What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.
Zoot: Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.
Rowlf: Let me talk to them. Woof-woof. Woof-woof.
[guard dogs start to heel]
Rowlf: It helps to know a second language.
Fozzie: Kermit, are bears allowed in those fountains?
Kermit: [bewildered] What?
Fozzie: Are bears allowed in those fountains?
Kermit: No, I don't think so.
Fozzie: I need a bath.
Kermit: How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut with?
Floyd: I brought some hot mustard, maybe that will eat through the bars.
News Editor: Did you read these headlines? Huh?
News Editor: "JEWEL HEIST ON MAIN STREET!" And it's nice bold print, isn't it?
Kermit: Yes, it's very easy to read.
News Editor: Shut up now.
Kermit: [sheepish] Sorry.
News Editor: "Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald, "Fashion Queen Of London Robbed." And last, but not least
News Editor: here's our cute little banner story, "Identical Twins Join The Chronicle Staff." Now I ask you, which would you buy?
Fozzie: I read the one that has "Dear Abby".
News Editor: OH!
[News Editor pounds fist into desk in frustration, causing Gonzo to jump with fright up to a light fixture]
Fozzie: [Gonzo takes a picture on the bus] Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?
Gonzo: Don't worry; it adds human interest.
Fozzie: But I'm a bear.
Fozzie: I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups.
Kermit: [the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date] Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!
Fozzie: Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.
The Muppet Newsman: Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.
Fozzie: Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.
Gonzo: Call room service.
Kermit: There's no phone.
Rizzo the Rat: That's OK, there's no food, either.
Kermit: [he, Fozzie, and Gonzo are stuck in the bed, which has closed into the wall; Kermit talks muffled] Could somebody turn out the light?
[bulb switches off as it drops to the floor]
Kermit: Thank you.
Miss Piggy: Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my destiny, I shall accept nothing less.
Lady Holiday: I can offer you a job as a receptionist.
Miss Piggy: [jumping up and down and shouting] AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you won't be sorry, I promise. I can type, I can take shorthand, I can make coffee, I can do it all!
Lady Holiday: Sit.
[Miss Piggy immediately sits down and calms herself]
Miss Piggy: I can sit. I'm very good at sitting.
Gonzo: I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.
Kermit: Uh, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.
Gonzo: Sure is tempting.
Kermit: [shouting] Uh, taxi! Taxi!
Kermit: I don't know why the cabs won't stop.
Gonzo: Just leave it to me.
[throws himself in front of a cab]
[the cab stops]
Kermit: Uh, that's very effective.
Gonzo: Yeah, it's great when it works!
Gonzo: [to a couple] How about you folks? Souvenir photograph?
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: No thanks. No pictures.
Gonzo: Oh, come on! It'll be a great memento for you and your wife.
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: My wife isn't feeling very well.
Gonzo: Oh, that's too bad. Maybe she should be at home.
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: My wife IS at home!
Gonzo: [stammering nervously] Yes, uh... NEXT TABLE!
Fozzie: [going over a checklist] Wax lips?
Zoot: Aw man, I just had 'em.
Dr. Teeth: Did you leave 'em in your other pants?
Zoot: I don't have no other pants.
Fozzie: [going back to the checklist] Yo-yo?
Janice: Fer sure.
[Statler and Waldorf are watching a fashion show]
Statler: Nice lines!
Waldorf: Yeah! And the dresses aren't bad either!
Kermit: Hurry up, Gonzo. There's gotta be a picture of somebody taking Lady Holiday's necklace.
Gonzo: Well, I don't know. I still think that pig took it.
Kermit: Oh, she wouldn't steal.
Gonzo: Why not? She lied.
Kermit: That's two different things. Besides, she couldn't have stolen the necklace because she was dancing.
Fozzie: That's right. There's that old adage: "You can't dance and steal at the same time."
Gonzo: No, that's "You can't walk and chew gum at the same time."
Fozzie: Oh no, I think it's "You can't pat your head and rub your stomach at the same time."
Kermit: What's the difference? She didn't steal the necklace.
Gonzo: I'll betcha I can do it.
Kermit: Do what?
Gonzo: Pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time.
[Gonzo starts patting his head and rubbing his stomach at the same time]
Fozzie: Big deal. Anybody can do that.
[Fozzie joins in with Gonzo]
Kermit: [shouting] Would you guys cut it out? We're wasting time!
Fozzie: [sighs] It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home.
Pops: Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage.
Scooter: Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio is frozen to my wrist.
Gonzo: [after taking pictures of pigeons outside] Local poultry.
Kermit: [standing outside the Mallory Gallery] How do we get in?
Fozzie: I suggest we ring the door bell.
Nicky Holiday: [Lady Holiday's necklace has just been stolen] What do you want me to do? I just spilled ketchup all over my cummerbund.
Sam the Eagle: It's times like these, I'm proud to be an American.
Gonzo: Photography's an art. You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta scream just before they get the food to their mouth.
[Piggy's truck runs out of gas]
Miss Piggy: What am I? A glutton for punishment?
Fozzie: Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir. Would you let Kermit go? If you hold him too long, he'll just give you warts.
News Editor: How could you miss a story like *that?* It was right under your noses, practically bit you on the seat of your pants! There's just no excuse!
Fozzie: I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise?
News Editor: A *raise?* A *RAISE?* Oh, I'll give you a raise, all right!
[Bangs his desk, sending them all flying]
[Pops is driving the bus with Electric Mayhem in back]
Pops: [to Kermit and friends who want to get on the bus] You'll have to sit in the front seat, the back's been quarantined.
Beauregard: What's your room number?
Fozzie: I don't know, but we're on the second floor.
Beauregard: Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.
Gonzo: [going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?
Kermit: I don't know.
Fozzie: I think it's the English river.
Gonzo: Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!
Kermit: Excuse me.
Pops: [awakes from his nap abruptly] What?
Kermit: We'd like a room.
Kermit: Yeah, we'd like to check in.
Pops: Somebody's checking in!
[dings his service bell]
Happiness Hotel Guests: [emerging from their rooms] SOMEBODY'S CHECKING IN?
Pops: [after Beauregard crashes his cab into the Happiness Hotel] You can never find a cab when you need one.
Lady Holiday: Nicky, that's my new secretary dancing out there.
Nicky Holiday: Which one?
Lady Holiday: The pig.
Kermit: Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.
Floyd: I'm out.
Rowlf: Me too.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Ditto.
Beaker: Meep meep.
Zoot: Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere?
Pops: Sorry, I got a dental appointment.
Janice: It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...
[everyone starts talking at once]
Fozzie: [shouting] Hold it!
[everyone stops talking]
Fozzie: Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!
Miss Piggy: [rides on a motorcycle] I'm coming, Kermie!
[the police chase her as the sirens get her attention]
Miss Piggy: [to the audience] Well, you wanted excitement.
Kermit: [at the Happiness Hotel] You know, I may be mistaken, but the bellhops look like rats.
Rowlf: You should see the chambermaids.
Tramp: [Kermit is sitting on a park bench, holding a glass slipper. A tramp approaches him] How you doing, young fella?
Kermit: Oh... Okay, I guess.
Tramp: Penny for your thoughts.
Kermit: Well, it's a long story.
Tramp: But a familiar one, I bet.
Kermit: Mmm. Older than the hills.
Tramp: I've been there, my friend. I've been there and back.
Tramp: You know, I see the way you're sitting here, and I see the way you've got your hand around that little shoe, and that's all I need. I know your whole story.
Kermit: Mmm, you do?
Tramp: Absolutely. I know exactly what happened to you.
Tramp: Well, I tell you, friend. What happened was you and your brother-in-law Bernie, you cashed in your stock certificates and your insurance policy and you went out and bought a dry-cleaning establishment.
Kermit: [confused] Mmm?
Tramp: Now, another place opens up down the street and it's charging less. And they're getting the stuff out faster because they got more help. It's not your fault. Right?
Tramp: All right. So Bernie comes to you, he says, 'I want you to buy me out.' He says he's fed up. Well, your kids are growing up, you never see 'em, and all of a sudden they're turning into juvenile delinquents, and your wife is saying to you, 'Listen, you care more about this lousy business than you care about me.' And the equipment breaks down and your sister moves in with you because that jerk Bernie, he went and joined the circus. Well, you had it up to here, right? You didn't know what to do. So what did you do? You did the only thing you could do.
Tramp: You dumped the business for a song. And who did you sell it to?
Tramp: You sold it to that jerk down the street, that slob that had been burying you for a year. Then you took whatever money you had left and you sunk it into the glass slipper business. That's your story, my friend. Not a happy one, is it?
Kermit: Mmm-mmm. You know, it's amazing. You are 100% wrong. I mean, nothing you've said has been right.
Tramp: Oh, yeah?
[Long pause as the tramp stares out at the world]
Tramp: Well, how about this...
Kermit: I hate to be rude, but, uh, we're trying to do a movie here.
Tramp: Oh, yeah?
Tramp: Oh, I didn't know that. Gee, I'm sorry. Listen, one thing, son.
[Opens his coat]
Tramp: Would you like to buy a watch?
Tramp: [the tramp gets up and walks away] Movie stars.
Kermit: [while shaving] Boy, I wish I had whiskers.
Kermit: Of course, then I'd have to use a blade.
Kermit: Gee, Mr. Tarkanian. We thought identical twins working on a newspaper would make an interesting story.
News Editor: Well, it doesn't. Especially since you two guys don't look anything alike!
Kermit: Well, that's 'cause Fozzie's not wearing his hat. Oh, Fozzie, put your hat back on.
Fozzie: Oh. Yes, sir.
[Fozzie puts his hat on]
News Editor: [looks at them carefully] Oh, yeahhhh. I can see it now.
Janice: [not realizing everyone's stopped talking] ... and I said, Look, Mother, it's my life, okaaay? So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked... oh.
[after the "Happiness Hotel" song number is over]
Sam the Eagle: You are all weirdos!
Gonzo: [Approaches a table with an older man and a younger, rather pretty, female companion] Hi there. Souvenir photograph?
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: [Waves him off] No thank you. No photos.
Gonzo: Aw, come on. It will be a great memento for you and your wife.
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: My wife isn't feeling very well.
Gonzo: Aw, that's too bad. Maybe she should be at home.
Annoyed Restaurant Diner: [hint-hint] My wife *is* at home!
Gonzo: [Getting it now] Oh... um... uh... right... um... NEXT TABLE!
Miss Piggy: Please don't go. Kermit, please. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please! Please!
Kermit: Piggy, hold it.
Miss Piggy: Please! Please! Please!
Kermit: Piggy...? Piggy? You're overacting.
Miss Piggy: ...What?
Kermit: You're overacting. You're hamming it up.
Miss Piggy: I am not. I am trying to save this movie.
Kermit: [getting annoyed] Oh, yeah? Well, save your performance instead.
Miss Piggy: I am playing eight hundred different emotions!
Kermit: Well, try to play one of them right.
Miss Piggy: Oh, oh! I have a career of my own.
Kermit: I know all about your career, Pig.
Miss Piggy: I don't need this lousy duck pond here.
Kermit: Sure, you don't need a lousy duck pond.
Miss Piggy: I'll just walk.
Kermit: [angry] Okay, sure. Go ahead and walk.
Miss Piggy: [briefly turning to the camera] Should I walk? Then I'll walk!
Kermit: Walk! Go ahead and walk!
[Miss Piggy turns away and whimpers]
Kermit: Oh, Piggy.
Miss Piggy: [in tears] I'm doing my best.
Kermit: Well... I know you are.
[He moves in to comfort her]
Kermit: Piggy, I'm sorry. We gotta get back to the movie, though.
Miss Piggy: [trying to collect herself] All right. All right, all right, all right.
[She heaves a heavy sigh and resumes acting]