Used Cars (1980)
Rudy Russo: C'mon, Jeff! You've seen how bad business is. Thanks to Fuchs, our name is mud! Look... we had nuns, protesting out front when I got here this morning.
Rudy Russo: Yeah. I had to have Jim turn the firehose on them.
Jim the Mechanic: [holds up the still wet firehose] And I knocked them motherfuckers right on they asses, too.
[President Carter on television]
President Carter: -high inflation. What is the solution?
[Television cuts to the commercial for Luke's yard taking place in Roy's yard]
Jeff: You want the solution to inflation? Hi, friends. Marshall Lucky here for New Deal Used Cars, where we're lowering inflation not only by fighting high prices, not only by murdering high prices, but by blowing the living shit out of high prices. Yes sir. Here's an example. It's a 1972 Cadillac Coupe DeVille, for sixty-two ninety-nine. That price is too high.
[shoots the car]
Jeff: Yes sir. Here's another one. It's a Lincoln Continental, Mark IV, 1973. It's loaded. It's got air conditioning. It's got a stereo. It's got white-wall radial tires. It's got power steering, power brakes, power seats, power windows. And a price that is just too high.
[shoots the car]
Jeff: Yes sir.
[Jim appears on the car behind him in costume]
Jim the Mechanic: YAAAAAAHHHH.
Freddie Paris: [on microphone] Look out, Marshall Lucky. It's High Prices.
Jeff: Take this, you dirty ol' High Prices.
[shoots Jim, who puts on a very convincing act]
Jim the Mechanic: AHHHH. Ya got me Marshall. Ahhhhh...
Jeff: [shocked] Jesus Christ.
[winks at the screen]
Jeff: Yes sir, that's New Deal Used Cars... Now wait just a Goddamn minute. What the hell is this? Is this a 1974 Mercedes 450SL for *twenty-four thousand dollars*? That's too fucking high.
[blows up the car with dynamite. Roy watches at home]
Roy L. Fuchs: You son of a bitch.
Jeff: [laughs] Yes sir. We blew the shit out of that over-priced motherfucker just the way we blow the shit out of *all* high prices, down here at New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said? New Deal Used Cars. So y'all come on down. Did you hear what I said?
[Television cuts back to the President]
President Carter: I have heard you, with unmistakable clarity...
Roy L. Fuchs: You son of a bitch.
[kicks the televison and electrocutes himself]
[Rudy is planning to break into a presidential broadcast with a commercial]
Jeff: For Christ's sake, we're fuckin' with the President of the United States.
Rudy Russo: He fucks with us, doesn't he?
Roy L. Fuchs: I'll tell you something. This country is going to the dogs. You know, it used to be when you bought a politician, that son of a bitch stayed bought.
Rudy Russo: Charlie, I broke my back getting you this deal. You know that...
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy Russo: [pressing] You're not going to find another deal like this anywhere in town.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Rudy Russo: [pleading] We shook hands on this... a deal's a deal.
Charlie: Fifty bucks never...
Rudy Russo: [throws up his hands in mock disgust] Okay Charlie, you got it, you win - I'll see what I can do... But I'm telling ya, my boss sees these figures, he's going to have a stroke.
Charlie: [scoffs] What's he trying to pull? Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
[Luke bursts in, red face and clutching his chest]
Charlie: [panics] Okay, it's a deal, it's a deal! I'll sign! I'll sign!
FBI Inspector: You want to give me that again?
Jeff: Uh, well, yes. As I say, Inspector, I heard this large explosion and I rushed out, I couldn't tell what was going on. I saw the car over there in flames and all these strange little characters, you know, with towels on their heads, weird little goatees and stuff, running around yelling: "Ayatollah, Ayatollah." Then they all got in a car and drove away. I guess it was Iranian students out to discredit the American way of life. I can't imagine who else would do such a thing.
Jeff: Don't let the little head do the thinking for the big head.
Jim the Mechanic: Maroon car, my ass. This motherfucker's red.
Rudy Russo: So. Roy L... What can I do you for?
Roy L. Fuchs: Uhhh... I'd like to talk to my brother.
Rudy Russo: Well, you're gonna have to talk kinda loud. He left for Miami late last night.
Roy L. Fuchs: Miami?
Rudy Russo: Yeah. Miami Beach.
Roy L. Fuchs: Miami Beach?
Roy L. Fuchs: I know where the fuck Miami Beach is, dummy.
Mickey: [Luke has just explained he heard from his long lost daughter] I know how ya feel, Old Man. I had a dog once... ran away... only she got hit by a truck. Now what's the story on this '57 Chev here, uh $2400? C'mon, you gotta be jackin' me!
Luke Fuchs: [proudly] Now son, you're lookin' at one of the finest automobiles on this lot. Y'know, I rebuilt that engine with my own two hands.
Mickey: [skeptically] Does it run?
Luke Fuchs: Does it run? Like a dream.
Mickey: Well, Old Man... for $2400, it better run like a *wet* dream.
Jeff: Rudy, what the fuck is this? Rudy, this is a red car. Holy shit! A red chariot to take my ass straight to hell!
Rudy Russo: Hi, there, how ya doing? Is this your ten dollars? I saw it blow underneath the car, I picked it up. Here ya are Mr. uhh? What's your name?
Stanley Dewoski: Stanley Dewoski
Rudy Russo: Polish Eh? What a coincidence! Rudy Polanski, how are ya? Hey I like that watch Stan, great shoes, love em!
Stanley Dewoski: Thanks!
Rudy Russo: So Stan, you uh, wanna buy this Buick Centurion? Huh? Good choice! Smart man! You've got good taste, nice to see someone finally walk on this lot who know's a good car when they see one. I'll tell ya. So should we write it up?
Stanley Dewoski: Actually I, I was just looking.
Rudy Russo: Oh hey, terrific, terrific. That's what were here for Stan. Here you can look, browse, peek, touch, feel, taste, smell, do anything you want, take all the time you want. Nobody's going to pressure anybody around here Stan. You know something else Stan, I really think you outta buy this Buick, uh huh, I think you outta buy it today, right now. You wanna know why? Because this Buick is you! The color is you, look at it, this is your car! Stanley Dewoski is Buick Centurion Convertible. Now I know what you are thinking Stan, you're thinking, can I afford to buy a car like this? Huh, am I right? Seriously Stan, you can't afford to not buy a car like this. I'm going to make this easy on you. If you add this whole thing up, taking in inflation rate, insurance savings, gas savings, ease and comfort, you're going to come in about ten thousand ahead in making this deal. well how the ease of owning a Buick Centurion Convertible can't measure in terms of dollars and cents.
Angry customer: Fifty bucks never killed anybody.
Judge H. H. Harrison: For uttering those contemptuous words in my presences, I'm goin' to have your balls in a sling.
[Rudy and Big Jim are watching Barbara's commercial, which has been doctored]
Barbara Jane Fuchs: Come down and see the, uh, mile of cars we have on our lot.
Rudy Russo: Did she just say "mile of cars"? She said she had a "mile of cars".
Jim the Mechanic: That's the most blatant claim of false advertising I ever heard in my life...
Rudy Russo: Come on down to New Deal Used Cars...
Rudy Russo: ...come on down and squeeze on us!
Al's Kid: [pointing at the television] Hey look. Bare tits!
Al's Wife: That's disgusting! Oh, I don't want my children to see this!
Jim the Mechanic: I don't know, Rudy. I ain't never sold no damn cars before.
Rudy Russo: It's easy, Jim. All you have to do is get them in that car. Nothing sells a car better than a car itself. Now remember this, you have to get their confidence, get their friendship, get their trust. Then get their money.
Jim the Mechanic: See the nice red upholstery?
Mr. Books: Yes, nice, very nice.
Jim the Mechanic: Here, feel it.
Mr. Books: I don't want to feel it.
Jim the Mechanic: Feel it, I want you to get in the car and feel it.
Mr. Books: I don't want to get in the car.
Jim the Mechanic: Awww, get in the mother-fuckin' car, man!
[throws the customer in the car]
Luke Fuchs: $10,000. Is that all it takes to be elected senator these days?
Rudy Russo: Well, that's more like a down payment. After I'm elected its 50-50 on all the graft I take.
[Roy L. and Slaton are discussing Barbara's trial]
Roy L. Fuchs: I can't believe you got Hangin' Judge Harrison. He's not on the take; he's legit.
Sam Slaton: Remember that colored kid that got caught stealing a case of beer?
Roy L. Fuchs: Billy Ray? Billy Ray Washington?
Sam Slaton: [nods] Hangin' Judge Harrison gave him thirty five years hard labor! You need somebody who'll throw the book at this broad. I've paid off all the experts, all the witnesses; I've even got her lawyer on my payroll.
[cut to her attorney, who is fast asleep]
Sam Slaton: I can win this case, Roy... Trust me!
Judge H. H. Harrison: I know you're seeing the same thing with those beady little eyes I'm seeing, Mr. Slaton. That sure does look like a mile of cars to me.
Rudy Russo: Hey, morning, Roy!
[Roy reacts by spitting on a car, and wiping it off]
Rudy Russo: [to himself] Same to you, asshole.
[Rudy puts a bumper sticker of himself on a newly-bought car]
Rudy Russo: You're going to love it, Stan. Trust me.
[the car drives off as the bumper falls off the car]
Rudy Russo: Ah, shit! There goes a perfectly good bumper sticker.
[Jeff digs up mud, and accidentally dumps it on Roy's shoes]
Roy L. Fuchs: Now aren't you a little big to be playing in the fucking mud?
Rudy Russo: Luke told me that if you came around here to have you arrested for trespassing. Now, are you going to leave, or are we going to have to call the cops?
Jeff: Yeah, do we have to call the cops?
Roy L. Fuchs: What are you, a fucking parrot?
Sam Slaton: Come on, Roy. Let's go.
Roy L. Fuchs: Suck-ass son of a bitch.
[Rudy notices that some paint has washed off Manuel's cars]
Rudy Russo: Manuel! What the hell are you using; water based paint?
Manuel: Sure. How much rain do we get around here anyway? If you don't like these, I'll get you some others. Here is my inventory.
Rudy Russo: Manuel, this is a picture of 250 cars. I can't make a deal on a picture. Take these around back and I'll think of something.
Rudy Russo: [after unsuccessfully trying to sell a kid a bicycle] Real grinders... tougher to close than their parents!
Jeff: [about the explanation for Luke's sudden disappearance] No-one's going to believe he went to Miami, nobody goes to Miami!
Rudy Russo: OLD people go to Miami, he's old isn't he? Where do you want him to go, Aspen?
Jeff: [looking at the '59 Edsel] Aspen? Fuck Aspen, this crate won't go around the block...
Jim the Mechanic: The fuck it won't! This motherfucker runs!