[as the plane prepares to take off]
Hanging Lady: Nervous?
Ted Striker: Yes.
Hanging Lady: First time?
Ted Striker: No, I've been nervous lots of times.
Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.
Steve McCroskey: Johnny, what can you make out of this?
[Hands him the weather briefing]
Johnny: This? Why, I can make a hat or a brooch or a pterodactyl...
Rumack: Can you fly this plane, and land it?
Ted Striker: Surely you can't be serious.
Rumack: I am serious... and don't call me Shirley.
Joey: Wait a minute. I know you. You're Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. You play basketball for the Los Angeles Lakers.
Roger Murdock: I'm sorry, son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Roger Murdock. I'm the co-pilot.
Joey: You are Kareem! I've seen you play. My dad's got season tickets.
Roger Murdock: I think you should go back to your seat now, Joey. Right, Clarence?
Captain Oveur: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone. Let him stay here.
Roger Murdock: But just remember, my name is...
[showing his nametag]
Roger Murdock: ROGER MURDOCK. I'm an airline pilot.
Joey: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense.
[Kareem gets angry]
Joey: And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.
Roger Murdock: [breaking character] The hell I don't! LISTEN, KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night! Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes!
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.
Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight?
Elaine Dickinson: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.
Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.
Young Boy with Coffee: Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee.
Little Girl: Oh, that's very nice of you, thank you.
Little Girl: Oh, won't you sit down?
Young Boy with Coffee: Cream?
Little Girl: No, thank you, I take it black, like my men.
Captain Oveur: Joey, have you ever been in a... in a Turkish prison?
Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?
Operator: [Captain Oveur is on the phone with the Mayo Clinic] Excuse me, Captain Oveur, but I have an emergency call on line five from a Mr. Hamm.
Captain Oveur: Alright, give me a Hamm on five, hold the Mayo.
Elaine Dickinson: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your stewardess speaking... We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused, this is due to periodic air pockets we encountered, there's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight... By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
[all hell breaks loose in the cabin]
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
[repeated line, to Ted and Elaine]
Rumack: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all counting on you.
Elaine Dickinson: Would you like something to read?
Hanging Lady: Do you have anything light?
Elaine Dickinson: How about this leaflet, "Famous Jewish Sports Legends?"
First Jive Dude: Shiiiiit, maaaaan. That honky muf' be messin' mah old lady... got to be runnin' cold upside down his head, you know?
[Subtitle: GOLLY, THAT WHITE FELLOW SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM MY WIFE OR I WILL PUNCH HIM]
Second Jive Dude: Hey home', I can dig it. Know ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap up on you, man!
[Subtitle: YES, HE IS WRONG FOR DOING THAT]
First Jive Dude: I say hey, sky... subba say I wan' see...
Second Jive Dude: Uh-huh.
First Jive Dude: ...pray to J I did the same-ol', same-ol'!
[Subtitle: I KNEW A MAN IN A SIMILAR PREDICAMENT, AND HE ENDED UP BEING SORRY]
Second Jive Dude: Hey... knock a self a pro, Slick! That gray matter backlot perform us DOWN, I take TCB-in', man!
[Subtitle: DON'T BE NAIVE ARTHUR. EACH OF US FACES A CLEAR MORAL CHOICE]
First Jive Dude: Hey, you know what they say: see a broad to get dat booty yak 'em...
[Subtitle: EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO RISE, MAKES A MAN HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND WISE]
First Jive Dude: COL' got to be! Y'know?
[Subtitle: HOW TRUE!]
First Jive Dude: Shiiiiit.
[Randy is crying]
Rumack: Randy, are you all right?
Randy: Oh, Dr. Rumack, I'm scared. I've never been so scared. And besides, I'm 26 and I'm not married.
Rumack: We're going to make it, you've got to believe that.
[a woman passenger comes in]
Mrs. Hammen: Dr. Rumack, do you have any idea when we'll be landing?
Rumack: Pretty soon, how are you bearing up?
Mrs. Hammen: Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband.
[Randy cries harder]
Roger Murdock: Flight 2-0-9'er, you are cleared for take-off.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: L.A. departure frequency, 123 point 9'er.
Captain Oveur: Roger!
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Victor Basta: Request vector, over.
Captain Oveur: What?
Tower voice: Flight 2-0-9'er cleared for vector 324.
Roger Murdock: We have clearance, Clarence.
Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor?
Tower voice: Tower's radio clearance, over!
Captain Oveur: That's Clarence Oveur. Over.
Tower voice: Over.
Captain Oveur: Roger.
Roger Murdock: Huh?
Tower voice: Roger, over!
Roger Murdock: What?
Captain Oveur: Huh?
Victor Basta: Who?
Striped controller: Bad news. The fog's getting thicker.
Johnny: [jumps to an overweight controller] And Leon is getting laaaaarrrrrger.
Male announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
Female announcer: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the red zone.
Male announcer: [later] The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone.
Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone.
Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping!
Male announcer: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.
Male announcer: There's just no stopping in a white zone.
Female announcer: Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend, we both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have an abortion.
Male announcer: It's really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there's no danger involved.
Mrs. Hammen: Jim never has a second cup of coffee at home.
Captain Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before?
Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before.
Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
Randy: Can I get you something?
Second Jive Dude: 'S'mofo butter layin' me to da' BONE! Jackin' me up... tight me!
[Subtitle: I ATE SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING MY INSIDES CRAMP UP]
Randy: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
First Jive Dude: Cutter say 'e can't HANG!
[Subtitle: MY BUDDY HERE SAYS HE CAN'T TAKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER]
Jive Lady: Oh, stewardess! I speak jive.
Randy: Oh, good.
Jive Lady: He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: All right. Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine?
Jive Lady: [to the Second Jive Dude] Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch ya up on da rebound on da med side.
[Subtitle: JUST BE PATIENT MY FRIEND. SHE'S GOING TO BRING SOMETHING ON HER WAY BACK TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER]
Second Jive Dude: What it is, big mama? My mama no raise no dummies. I dug her rap!
[Subtitle: MA'AM, I'M NOT STUPID. I UNDERSTAND WHAT SHE JUST SAID]
Jive Lady: Cut me some slack, Jack! Chump don' want no help, chump don't GET da help!
[Subtitle: GIVE ME A BREAK! IF YOU DON'T WANT HELP, I WON'T HELP YOU!]
First Jive Dude: Say 'e can't hang, say seven up!
Jive Lady: Jive-ass dude don't got no brains anyhow! Shiiiiit.
[Subtitle: NEVER MIND. YOU'RE STUPID, ANYWAY. GOLLY!]
Jack Kirkpatrick: Shanna, they bought their tickets, they knew what they were getting into. I say, let 'em crash.
Rumack: The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.
Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying, altogether.
Man in Taxi: Well, I'll give him another twenty minutes, but that's it!
Ted Striker: Because of my mistake, six men didn't return from that raid.
Elaine Dickinson: Seven. Lieutenant Zip died this morning.
Hanging Lady: No wonder you're upset. She's lovely. And a darling figure... supple, pouting breasts... firm thighs. It's a shame you two don't get along.
Rex Kramer: [talking to Steve McCroskey] Our only hope is to build this man up. We gotta give him all the confidence we can.
Rex Kramer: Striker, have you ever flown a multi-engine plane before?
Ted Striker: No, never.
Rex Kramer: [to McCroskey, with the microphone still on] Shit! This is a God damn waste of time! There's no way he can land this plane!
Reporter: What kind of plane is it?
Johnny: Oh, it's a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows and wheels and it looks like a big Tylenol.
[an epidemic of food poisoning is sweeping the plane]
Captain Oveur: What is it, Doctor? What's going on?
Rumack: I'm not sure. I haven't seen anything like this since the Anita Bryant concert.
Rex Kramer: Steve, I want every light you can get poured onto that field.
Steve McCroskey: Bein' done right now.
[On the runway, a truck dumps a full load of lamps onto the ground]
Ted Striker: It's Lieutenant Hurwitz. Severe shell-shock. Thinks he's Ethel Merman.
Lieutenant Hurwitz: [singing] You'll be swell, you'll be great. Gonna have the whole world on a plate. Startin' here, startin' now. Honey, everything's comin' up roses...
Ted Striker: War is hell.
Steve McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
Elaine: It takes so many things to make love last. But most of all, it takes respect, and I can't live with a man I don't respect.
Ted Striker: [turns towards the camera] What a pisser!
Ted Striker: [plane loses an engine] The oil pressure. I forgot to check the oil pressure! When Kramer hears about this, the shit's going to hit the fan!
[in the office, shit hits a fan and splatters all over the room]
Elaine Dickinson: You got a letter from headquarters this morning.
Ted Striker: What is it?
Elaine Dickinson: It's a big building where generals meet, but that's not important.
Johnny: [plugging back in the runway lights] Just kidding.
Rex Kramer: Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked... in the head... with an iron boot? Of course you don't, no one does. It never happens. Sorry, Ted, that's a dumb question... skip that.
[reading newspaper headlines]
Rex Kramer: Passengers certain to die!
Steve McCroskey: Airline negligent.
Johnny: There's a sale at Penney's!
Captain Oveur: Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?
Ted Striker: Mayday! Mayday!
Steve McCroskey: What the heck is that?
Johnny: Why, that's the Russian New Year. We can have a parade and serve hot hors d'oeuvres...
Ted Striker: It was at that moment that I first realized Elaine had doubts about our relationship. And that, as much as anything else, led to my drinking problem.
[pours Gatorade into glass and then pours onto left side of his own face]
[Thinking to himself]
Ted Striker: I've got to concentrate...
[his thoughts echo]
Ted Striker: concentrate... concentrate... I've got to concentrate... concentrate... concentrate... Hello?... hello... hello... Echo... echo... echo... Pinch hitting for Pedro Borbon... Manny Mota... Mota... Mota...
Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!
[looking at the controls of the airplane as he begins to try to fly it]
Ted Striker: Let's see... altitude: 21,000 feet. Speed: 520 knots. Level flight. Course: zero-niner-zero. Trim and mixture: wash, soak, rinse, spin.
Rex Kramer: Don't be a fool, Striker, you know what a landing like this means, you more than anybody. I'm ordering you to stay up there.
Ted Striker: No dice, Chicago. I'm giving the orders and we're coming in. I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it, Kramer?
Johnny: Auntie Em, Uncle Henry, Toto! It's a twister! It's a twister!
Rex Kramer: Get that finger out of your ear! You don't know where that finger's been!
Radio DJ: This is WZAZ in Chicago, where disco lives forever...
[the airplane zooms overhead the building, knocking the radio antenna down, and the signal goes dead]
Elaine: Would you gentlemen care to order your dinners?
First Jive Dude: Bet, babe. Slide a piece o' da' porter. Drinks, I run da' java.
[Subtitle: I'LL HAVE THE STEAK]
Second Jive Dude: Lookie here. I can dig grease 'n chompin' on some buns and draggin' through the garden.
[Subtitle: I'LL HAVE THE FISH]
Air Controller Macias: Captain, maybe we ought to turn on the searchlights now.
Rex Kramer: No... that's just what they'll be expecting us to do.
Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.
Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?
Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.
Steve McCroskey: Gunderson, check the Radar Range. Anything yet?
Gunderson: [gets up and opens the door of the Radar Range microwave, which is roasting a turkey] About two more minutes, chief.
Steve McCroskey: Two more minutes? They could be miles off course!
Rex Kramer: That's impossible. They're on instruments!
[cuts to the cockpit, where Striker, Elaine, Randy and Rumack are all playing musical instruments]
Controller: I know but this guy has no flying experience at all. He's a menace to himself and everything else in the air... yes, birds too.
Rex Kramer: [talking on the phone to the airport control tower] No, we can't do that, the risk of a flame-out is too great. Keep 'em at 24,000. No, feet.
Jack: What's going on? We have a right to know the truth!
Rumack: [to the passengers] All right, I'm going to level with you all. But what's most important now is that you remain calm. There is no reason to panic.
[Rumack's nose grows an inch long]
Rumack: Now, it is true that one of the crew members is ill... slightly ill.
[Rumack's nose continues to grow longer and longer, à la Pinocchio]
Rumack: But the other two pilots... they're just fine. They're at the controls flying the plane... free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.
Rumack: Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have, the best you could. You can't expect to win em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said, "The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad the Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip.
Ted Striker: George Zip said that?
Rumack: The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."
Ted Striker: Excuse me doc, I got a plane to land.
Gunderson: He's all over the place! Nine hundred feet up to 1300 feet. What an asshole!
Rumack: Extremely serious. It starts with a slight fever and dryness of the throat. When the virus penetrates the red blood cells, the victim becomes dizzy, begins to experience an itchy rash, then the poison goes to work on the central nervous system, severe muscle spasms followed by the inevitable drooling.
[Oveur does all of the above as Rumack describes each one]
Rumack: At this point, the entire digestive system collapses accompanied by uncontrollable flatulence
[Oveur begins to fart uncontrollably]
Rumack: Until finally, the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly.
Newspaper Headline: Boy trapped in refrigerator eats own foot.
Steve McCroskey: [seeing airplane from tower] It's coming right at us!
[he then jumps out of a window]
Shirley: I haven't felt this awful since we saw that Ronald Reagan film.
Airport Steward: Smoking or non-smoking?
Ted Striker: Smoking.
[She hands him a boarding pass that is belching out smoke]
[Flashback, about a bar he frequented during the war]
Ted Striker: It was a rough place - the seediest dive on the wharf. Populated with every reject and cutthroat from Bombay to Calcutta. It's worse than Detroit.
Female announcer: Captain Oveur, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oveur, white courtesy phone.
Female announcer: [Oveur picks up the red phone] No, the white phone.
Female announcer: Captain Oveur, white courtesy phone. Captain Clarence Oveur, white courtesy phone.
Captain Oveur: [to announcer] I GOT IT!
Elaine Dickinson: [Cutting room-floor scene: Flight #209 has gone into yet another nose dive] ... Ted, the altitude! We're falling, Ted! We're falling! *The mountains, Ted! The mountains!*
Ted Striker: What *mountains?* We're over IOWA!
Elaine Dickinson: The... THE CORNFIELDS, TED! THE CORNFIELDS!
Rex Kramer: Later we'll run down the landing procedures.
[flicks his cigarette out the window, causing it to strike something and explode]
Rex Kramer: Striker, listen, and you listen close: flying a plane is no different than riding a bicycle, just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes.
Johnny: [to Mrs. Oveur] Where did you get that dress, it's awful, and those shoes and that coat, jeeeeez!
[with Randy's help, and as Dr. Rumack looks on, Ted is attempting to figure out how the controls of Flight 209 work]
Elaine Dickinson: Ted! What are you doing here? *You* can't fly this plane!
Ted Striker: That's what I'm trying to *tell* these people!
Rumack: Elaine, you're a member of this crew. Can you face some unpleasant facts?
Elaine Dickinson: No.
[Elaine is relaying what Ted is saying to Kramer]
Ted Striker: It's a damn good thing he doesn't know how much I hate his guts.
Elaine Dickinson: It's a damn good thing you don't know how much he hates your guts.
Steve McCroskey: [to Mrs. Oveur] Now your husband and the others are alive, but unconscious.
Johnny: Just like Gerald Ford.
Rex Kramer: [points out the window] There he is. Striker, you're coming in too fast!
Ted Striker: I know, I know!
Elaine Dickinson: [relaying] He knows, he knows.
Steve McCroskey: I need the best man on this. Someone who knows that plane inside and out and won't crack under pressure.
Johnny: How about Mister Rogers?
Male announcer: Air Israel, please clear the runway!
Rex Kramer: All right, I'll need three men up at the tower. You, Neubauer. You, Macias.
Johnny: Me, John, big tree!
Steve McCroskey: [talking to Rex Kramer] Ease off, Rex. He hasn't flown for years; it's not his fault. It could happen to any pilot.
Johnny: It happened to Barbara Stanwyck.
Steve McCroskey: Can't push him too hard; he might break. You gotta remember who you're dealing with.
Johnny: Nick! Heath! Jared! There's a fire in the barn!