- Spectator I: I think it was "Blessed are the cheesemakers".
- Mrs. Gregory: Aha, what's so special about the cheesemakers?
- Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally; it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.
- Nisus Wettus: [a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
- Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
- Prisoner: Yes.
- Nisus Wettus: Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
- [Next prisoner]
- Nisus Wettus: Crucifixion?
- Mr. Cheeky: Er, no, freedom actually.
- Nisus Wettus: What?
- Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
- Nisus Wettus: Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
- Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
- Nisus Wettus: [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
- Mr. Cheeky: Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
- Reg: All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?
- Attendee: Brought peace?
- Reg: Oh, peace - shut up!
- Reg: There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all.
- Dissenter: Uh, well, one.
- Reg: Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid.
- Brian: Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.
- The Crowd: Tell us! Tell us both of them!
- Brian: Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!
- The Crowd: Yes! We're all individuals!
- Brian: You're all different!
- The Crowd: Yes, we ARE all different!
- Man in crowd: I'm not...
- The Crowd: Sch!
- Brian: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
- Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
- Brian: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
- Followers: He is! He is the Messiah!
- Brian: Now, FUCK OFF!
- [silence]
- Arthur: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
- Brian: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
- Pontius Pilate: So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
- Brian: He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
- Pontius Pilate: Weally? What was his name?
- Brian: 'Naughtius Maximus'.
- [the Centurion laughs]
- Pontius Pilate: Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
- Centurion: Well, no, sir.
- Pontius Pilate: Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
- Centurion: Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
- Pontius Pilate: [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
- Centurion: Well, it's a joke name, sir.
- Pontius Pilate: I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
- [guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
- Brian: Can I go now, sir?
- [slap]
- Brian: Aaah! Eh.
- Pontius Pilate: Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
- [guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: Wight! Take him away!
- Centurion: Oh, sir, he - he only...
- Pontius Pilate: No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
- Centurion: Yes, sir. Come on, you.
- [takes the guard away as continues laughing hysterically]
- Pontius Pilate: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
- [another guard chuckles]
- Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
- [more chuckling]
- Pontius Pilate: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
- [chuckle]
- Pontius Pilate: ... Dickus?
- [both guards chuckle]
- Pontius Pilate: He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
- Pontius Pilate: [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
- Pontius Pilate: [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
- Judith: [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
- Francis: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
- Reg: What's the *point*?
- Francis: What?
- Reg: What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
- Francis: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
- Reg: It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
- Matthias: Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".
- [Everyone gasps]
- Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
- Matthias: Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
- Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more...
- [Gets hit with a rock]
- Jewish Official: Right! Who threw that? Come on, who threw that?
- Stoners: She did! She!
- [Suddenly speaking as men]
- Stoners: Him! Him. Him.
- Jewish Official: Was it you?
- Stoner: Yes.
- Jewish Official: Right...
- Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah".
- [Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
- Jewish Official: Stop it! Stop! Stop, will you... stop that!
- [Jumps angrily]
- Jewish Official: Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even - and I want to make this absolutely clear - even if they do say "Jehovah".
- [Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]
- Stoners: Gotcha!
- Ex-Leper: Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
- Brian: Did you say "ex-leper"?
- Ex-Leper: That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
- Brian: Well, what happened?
- Ex-Leper: Oh, cured, sir.
- Brian: Cured?
- Ex-Leper: Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
- Brian: Who cured you?
- Ex-Leper: Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
- [first lines]
- Wise Man #1: Ahem!
- Brian's mother: Oh!
- [falls over in chair]
- Brian's mother: Who are you?
- Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: What?
- Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
- Brian's mother: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.
- Pontius Pilate: [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
- [Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
- Pontius Pilate: Wome... is your fwiend!
- [They laugh more]
- Pontius Pilate: To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
- Man in crowd: Welease Woger!
- [Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
- Pontius Pilate: Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
- [Everybody laughs]
- Centurion: Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
- Pontius Pilate: Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
- [They all laugh]
- Man in crowd: Well what about "Wodewick" then?
- [They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
- Pontius Pilate: Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
- [the crowd laughs some more]
- Centurion: Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
- Pontius Pilate: Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
- Man in crowd: He's a wobber!
- [they laugh]
- Man in crowd: And a wapist!
- [more laughter]
- Girl In Crowd: And a pick-pocket!
- [Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
- Pontius Pilate: He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
- Centurion: You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?
- Matthias: No.
- Centurion: Crucifixion!
- Matthias: Oh.
- Centurion: Nasty, eh?
- Matthias: Could be worse.
- Centurion: What you mean "Could be worse"?
- Matthias: Well, you could be stabbed.
- Centurion: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.
- Matthias: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
- Centurion: You're weird!
- Centurion: Where is Brian of Nazareth?
- Brian: You sanctimonious bastards!
- Centurion: I have an order for his release!
- Brian: You stupid bastards!
- Mr. Cheeky: Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Brian: What?
- Mr. Cheeky: Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
- Centurion: Take him down!
- Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian!
- Mr. Big Nose: I'm Brian!
- Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian!
- Brian: I'm Brian!
- Victims: I'm Brian!
- Gregory: I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
- Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
- Brian: I'm Brian of Nazareth!
- Centurion: All right. Take him away and release him.
- Mr. Cheeky: No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
- [last lines]
- Lead Singer Crucifee: [as end credits role and crucifees are singing "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life"] It's the end of the film. Incidentally, this record's available in the foyer. Some of us have got to live as well, you know. Who do you think pays for all this rubbish? They'll never make their money back, you know. I told him. I said to him, "Bernie", I said, "They'll never make their money back."
- [under the cover of darkness, Brian sneaks up to a statue and starts painting Latin grafitti on the plinth of a statue; he is caught in the act by a centurion who gives him a Latin grammar lesson]
- Centurion: What's this, then? "Romanes Eunt Domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?
- Brian: It says "Romans, Go Home".
- Centurion: No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!
- Brian: "Romanus".
- Centurion: Goes like?
- Brian: "Annus"?
- Centurion: Vocative plural of "annus" is?
- Brian: "Anni"?
- Centurion: "Romani".
- [the centurion corrects the first line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: "Eunt". What is "eunt"?
- Brian: "Go".
- Centurion: Conjugate the verb "to go".
- Brian: "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt".
- Centurion: So "eunt" is?
- Brian: Third person plural present indicative. "They go".
- Centurion: But "Romans, go home" is an *order*, so you must use the...?
- Brian: The imperative!
- Centurion: Which is?
- Brian: Um, oh, oh, "i".
- Centurion: How many Romans?
- Brian: Plural. "Ite".
- Centurion: "Ite".
- [the centurion corrects the second line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion towards, isn't it, boy?
- Brian: Dative!
- [the centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's neck]
- Brian: No, not dative! Accusative! Accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".
- Centurion: Except that "domus" takes the...
- Brian: The locative, sir.
- Centurion: Which is?
- Brian: "Domum".
- Centurion: "Domum".
- [the centurion corrects the last line of Brian's grafitti]
- Centurion: Understand?
- Brian: Yes, sir.
- Centurion: Now write it out a hundred times.
- Brian: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
- Centurion: Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.
- Brian's mother: What star sign is he?
- Wise Man #2: Capricorn.
- Brian's mother: Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
- Wise Man #2: He is the son of God, our Messiah.
- Wise Man #1: King of the Jews.
- Brian's mother: And that's Capricorn, is it?
- Wise Man #3: No, no, that's just him.
- Brian's mother: Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
- Blood and Thunder Prophet: [screaming] ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
- False Prophet: [yelling] ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
- Boring Prophet: ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...
- Brian: Have I got a big nose, Mum?
- Brian's mother: Stop thinking about sex!
- Brian: I wasn't!
- Brian's mother: You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "
- Lead Singer Crucifee: [Dying on the cross] Cheer up, Brian. You know what they say: some things in life are bad. They can really make you mad. Other things just make you swear and curse. When you're chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble; give a whistle, and this'll help things turn out for the best. And... always look on the bright side of life...
- Suicide Squad Leader: We are the Judean People's Front crack suicide squad! Suicide squad, attack!
- [they all stab themselves]
- Suicide Squad Leader: That showed 'em, huh?
- Reg: [arriving at Brian's crucifixion] Hello, Sibling Brian.
- Brian: Thank God you've come, Reg.
- Reg: Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "
- Brian: What?
- Reg: "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.
- Biggus Dickus: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!
- [I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis]
- The Crowd: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
- Brian's mother: The who?
- The Crowd: The Messiah!
- Brian's mother: There's no Messiah in here. There's a mess all right, but no Messiah. Now go away!
- Lead Singer Crucifee: You know, you come from nothing, you're going back to nothing. What have you lost? Nothing!
- Mrs. Big Nose: [trying to hear Jesus' sermon on the mount] Oh, it's blessed are the MEEK! Oh, I'm glad they're getting something, they have a hell of a time.
- Mr. Big Nose: I'll get you for this, you bastard.
- Parvus: Oh, yeah?
- Mr. Big Nose: Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
- Parvus: No?
- Mr. Big Nose: I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
- Parvus: Shut up, you Jewish turd!
- Mr. Big Nose: Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
- Gregory: A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
- Boring Prophet: There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
- Lead Singer Crucifee: [singing] Life's a piece of shit when you look at it. Life's a laugh and death's a joke; it's true.
- Matthias: [Answering the summons of the door] My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?
- Centurion: There's one place we didn't look. Guards!
- [the guards troop into the house]
- Matthias: ...Nose is knackered.
- Centurion: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
- Matthias: Crucifixion's a doddle.
- Centurion: ...Don't keep saying that.
- Lead Search Guard: [Guards troop out, last guard pauses] Found this spoon, sir.
- Centurion: Well done, Sergeant!
- Centurion: We'll be back... Oddball...
- Brian: Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
- Ex-Leper: Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
- Parvus: It doesn't matter! You're all going to die in a day or two.
- Gregory: It may not matter to you, Roman, but it certainly matters to us. Doesn't it, darling?
- Mrs. Gregory: Oh, rather.
- Gregory: Under the terms of the Roman occupancy, we're entitled to be crucified in a purely Jewish area.
- [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house]
- Brian: They must have just popped by!
- Brian's mother: Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!
- Brian: What will they do to me?
- Ben the Prisoner: Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
- Brian: CRUCIFIXION?
- Ben the Prisoner: Yeah, first offense.
- Brian: I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!
- Francis: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
- Stan: I want to be one.
- Reg: What?
- Stan: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
- Reg: What?
- Stan: It's my right as a man.
- Judith: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
- Stan: I want to have babies.
- Reg: You want to have babies?
- Stan: It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
- Reg: But... you can't have babies!
- Stan: Don't you oppress me!
- Reg: I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
- Stan: [starts to cry]
- [Taking the gifts from the Three Wise Men and pushing them out the door]
- Brian's mother: Er, well, um, if you're dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don't worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye.
- [Three wise men leave]
- Brian's mother: Well, weren't they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
- Follower: Excuse me, are you a virgin?
- Brian's mother: I beg your pardon?
- Follower: Well, if it's not a personal question - are you a virgin?
- Brian's mother: If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
- [shuts the windows]
- Follower: She is.
- [the crowd nods in agreement]
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