Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979) Poster

John Young: Matthias, Son of Deuteronomy of Gath



  • Matthias : Look, I don't think it ought to be blasphemy, just saying "Jehovah".

    [Everyone gasps] 

    Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself!

    Matthias : Making it worse? How could it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!

    Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" once more...

    [Gets hit with a rock] 

    Jewish Official : Right! Who threw that? Come on, who threw that?

    Stoners : She did! She!

    [Suddenly speaking as men] 

    Stoners : Him! Him. Him.

    Jewish Official : Was it you?

    Stoner : Yes.

    Jewish Official : Right...

    Stoner : Well you did say "Jehovah".

    [Crowd throws rocks at the stoner] 

    Jewish Official : Stop it! Stop! Stop, will you... stop that!

    [Jumps angrily] 

    Jewish Official : Stop it! Now look: no one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle, do you understand? Even - and I want to make this absolutely clear - even if they do say "Jehovah".

    [Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death] 

    Stoners : Gotcha!

  • Centurion : You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal?

    Matthias : No.

    Centurion : Crucifixion!

    Matthias : Oh.

    Centurion : Nasty, eh?

    Matthias : Could be worse.

    Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"?

    Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed.

    Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death.

    Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.

    Centurion : You're weird!

  • Matthias : All I did was say to my wife, "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"

  • Matthias : [Answering the summons of the door]  My legs are old and bent, my ears are grizzled, yes?

    Centurion : There's one place we didn't look. Guards!

    [the guards troop into the house] 

    Matthias : ...Nose is knackered.

    Centurion : Have you ever seen anyone crucified?

    Matthias : Crucifixion's a doddle.

    Centurion : ...Don't keep saying that.

    Lead Search Guard : [Guards troop out, last guard pauses]  Found this spoon, sir.

    Centurion : Well done, Sergeant!

    Centurion : We'll be back... Oddball...

  • Centurion : We'll be back, weirdo.

    Matthias : [quietly]  Bignose.

    Centurion : Watch it!

  • Matthias : Crucifixion's a doddle.

    Centurion : Don't keep saying that.

See also

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