Life of Brian (1979)
Michael Palin: Wise Man #3, Mr. Big Nose, Francis, Mrs. A, Ex-Leper, Announcer, Ben, Pontius Pilate, Boring Prophet, Eddie, Shoe Follower, Nisus Wettus
Photos
Quotes
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Nisus Wettus : [a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Prisoner : Yes.
Nisus Wettus : Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
[Next prisoner]
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky : Er, no, freedom actually.
Nisus Wettus : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Nisus Wettus : [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky : Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
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Pontius Pilate : So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?
Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion laughs]
Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion : Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate : [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
[guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian : Can I go now, sir?
[slap]
Brian : Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
[guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!
Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing hysterically]
Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
[more chuckling]
Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
[chuckle]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
[both guards chuckle]
Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
Pontius Pilate : [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
Pontius Pilate : [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
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Judith : [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg : What's the *point*?
Francis : What?
Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
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Ex-Leper : Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian : Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper : That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian : Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper : Oh, cured, sir.
Brian : Cured?
Ex-Leper : Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian : Who cured you?
Ex-Leper : Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
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Pontius Pilate : [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
[Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend!
[They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd : Welease Woger!
[Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
[Everybody laughs]
Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
[They all laugh]
Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then?
[They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
[the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd : He's a wobber!
[they laugh]
Man in crowd : And a wapist!
[more laughter]
Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket!
[Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
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Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
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Brian's mother : What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.
Brian's mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.
Brian's mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
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Blood and Thunder Prophet : [screaming] ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
False Prophet : [yelling] ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet : ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...
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Pontius Pilate : Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!
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Boring Prophet : There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
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Mr. Big Nose : I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus : Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose : Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus : No?
Mr. Big Nose : I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus : Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose : Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory : A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
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Brian : What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner : Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian : CRUCIFIXION?
Ben the Prisoner : Yeah, first offense.
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Mrs. Big Nose : [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!
Mrs. Big Nose : You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't!
Mrs. Big Nose : Leave it alone! Give it a rest!
Stan : Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!
Stan : Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!
Mr. Big Nose : Don't you swear at my wife!
Stan : I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!
Stan : Well, he 'as got a big nose!
Man #1 : [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?
Stan : I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.
Man #2 : I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!
Wife : What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Husband : Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.
Stan : See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!
Mr. Big Nose : Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!
Stan : Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.
Brian : Lay off him!
Stan : Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?
Mr. Big Nose : One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
Mrs. Big Nose : Language! And don't pick your nose!
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Brian : Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper : Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
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Pontius Pilate : He wanks as high as any in Wome!
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Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
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Ben the Prisoner : Quite the jailer's pet, are we?
Brian : What do you mean?
Ben the Prisoner : You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian : Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!
Ben the Prisoner : Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian : Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Ben the Prisoner : Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.
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Francis : Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan : I want to be one.
Reg : What?
Stan : I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg : What?
Stan : It's my right as a man.
Judith : Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan : I want to have babies.
Reg : You want to have babies?
Stan : It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg : But... you can't have babies!
Stan : Don't you oppress me!
Reg : I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan : [starts to cry]
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Stan : Listen I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
Mr. Big Nose : Hey. Your nose is going to be three foot wide accross your face by the time I'm finished with you!
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Francis : We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Commando Xerxes : What exactly are the demands?
Reg : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
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Brian : [Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains] Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!
Ben the Prisoner : You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.
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Reg : Listen, the only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People's Front.
Judith , Stan , Francis : [Murmurs of agreement and "splitters"]
Francis : And the Judean Popular People's Front.
Reg , Judith , Stan : [More enthusiastic agreements]
Stan : And the People's Front of Judea!
Reg : [Agreements stop suddenly] What?
Stan : The People's Front of Judea, splitters!
Reg : We're the People's Front of Judea!
Stan : Oh! I thought we were the Popular Front.
Reg : People's Front!
Francis : Whatever happened to the Popular Front, eh?
Reg : [Indicating a man sitting by himself] He's over there.
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Ben the Prisoner : They must think you're god lord almighty.
Brian : What will they do to me?
Ben the Prisoner : You'll probably get away with crucifixion.
Brian : Crucifixion?
Ben the Prisoner : Yeah, first offense.
Brian : Get away with crucifixion? It's...
Ben the Prisoner : The best thing Romans ever did for us.
Brian : What?
Ben the Prisoner : Oh yeah, if we didn't have crucifixion this country would be a right bloody mess.
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Reg : They've bled us white, the bastards! They've taken everything we ever had! And not just from us, but from our fathers, and from our father's fathers!
Stan : And from our father's father's fathers.
Reg : Right.
Stan : And from our father's father's father's fathers.
Reg : Alright Stan, don't labour the point. And what have they ever given us in return?
Revolutionary #1 : ...The aquaduct?
Reg : What?
Revolutionary #1 : The aquaduct.
Reg : Oh. Yeah, yeah they did give us that. That's true, yeah.
Revolutionary #2 : And, uh, sanitation.
Stan : Oh yeah, the sanitation, Reg. Remember what the city USED to be like.
Reg : Alright, I'll grant you the aquaduct and the sanitation. The two things the Romans HAVE done.
Matthias : And the roads!
Reg : Yeah, well obviously the roads! I mean, the roads go without saying, don't they? But APART from sanitation, the aquaducts and the roads...
Revolutionary #3 : Irrigation?
Revolutionary #1 : Medicine.
Revolutionary #5 : Education?
Reg : Yeah, alright, fair enough...
Revolutionary #5 : And the wine!
[Everyone murmurs in agreement apart from an increasingly annoyed Reg]
Francis : Yeah! Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Reg, if the Romans left.
Revolutionary #6 : Public baths.
Stan : And it's safe to walk in the streets at night now, Reg.
Francis : Yeah, they certainly know how to keep order. Let's face it -- they're the only ones who COULD in a place like this.
[Everyone except Reg chuckles in agreement]
Reg : Alright, but APART from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health... what have the Romans ever done for us?
Revolutionary #1 : ...Brought peace.
Reg : Oh, peace! Shut up!
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Ben the Prisoner : Nail them up I say! Nail some sense into them!
