Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
Michael Palin: Wise Man #3, Mr. Big Nose, Francis, Mrs. A, Ex-Leper, Announcer, Ben, Pontius Pilate, Boring Prophet, Eddie, Shoe Follower, Nisus Wettus
Nisus Wettus : [a line of prisoners files past a jailer]
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Prisoner : Yes.
Nisus Wettus : Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Nisus Wettus : Crucifixion?
Mr. Cheeky : Er, no, freedom actually.
Nisus Wettus : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, they said I hadn't done anything and I could go and live on an island somewhere.
Nisus Wettus : Oh I say, that's very nice. Well, off you go then.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm just pulling your leg, it's crucifixion really.
Nisus Wettus : [laughing] Oh yes, very good. Well...
Mr. Cheeky : Yes I know, out of the door, one cross each, line on the left.
Pontius Pilate : So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?
Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.
Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?
Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'.
[the Centurion laughs]
Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?
Centurion : Well, no, sir.
Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?
Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.
Pontius Pilate : [guard chuckles] What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "
Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.
Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.
Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.
Brian : Can I go now, sir?
Brian : Aaah! Eh.
Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!
Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!
Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...
Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.
Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you.
[takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically]
Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...
[another guard chuckles]
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...
Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?
[both guards chuckle]
Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks
Pontius Pilate : [Guards are laughing] Stop! What is all this?
Pontius Pilate : [laughing continues] I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!
Ex-Leper : Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?
Brian : Did you say "ex-leper"?
Ex-Leper : That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.
Brian : Well, what happened?
Ex-Leper : Oh, cured, sir.
Brian : Cured?
Ex-Leper : Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!
Brian : Who cured you?
Ex-Leper : Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.
Judith : [on Stan's desire to be a mother] Here! I've got an idea: Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb - which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans' - but that he can have the *right* to have babies.
Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother... sister, sorry.
Reg : What's the *point*?
Francis : What?
Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?
Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.
Pontius Pilate : [Pilate is going to release a prisoner to the crowd] People of Jewusalum,
[Everybody laughs at his speech impairment]
Pontius Pilate : Wome... is your fwiend!
[They laugh more]
Pontius Pilate : To pwove our fwiendship, we will welease one of our wong-doers! Who shall I welease?
Man in crowd : Welease Woger!
[Everybody laughs, and begin to chant, "Welease Woger"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well, I shall... Welease... Woger!
Centurion : Uh, we haven't got a "Woger", sir.
Pontius Pilate : Oh, okay. We have no "Woger'!
[They all laugh]
Man in crowd : Well what about "Wodewick" then?
[They laugh and chant "Welease Wodewick!"]
Pontius Pilate : Vewy well! I shall welease... Wodewick!
[the crowd laughs some more]
Centurion : Sir, there's no "Wodewick".
Pontius Pilate : Who is this "Wodewick" you speak of?
Man in crowd : He's a wobber!
Man in crowd : And a wapist!
Girl In Crowd : And a pick-pocket!
[Everybody shakes their heads at her and say no]
Pontius Pilate : He sounds a notowious cwiminal.
Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?
Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!
Centurion : I have an order for his release!
Brian : You stupid bastards!
Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Brian : What?
Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.
Centurion : Take him down!
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!
Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!
Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!
Brian : I'm Brian!
Victims : I'm Brian!
Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!
Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...
Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!
Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.
Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!
Blood and Thunder Prophet : [screaming] ... and the bezan shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there will be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah...
False Prophet : [yelling] ... for the demon shall bear a nine-bladed sword. NINE-bladed! Not two or five or seven, but NINE, which he will wield on all wretched sinners, sinners just like you, sir, there, and the horns shall be on the head, with which he will...
Boring Prophet : ...there shall, in that time, be *rumors* of things going astray, errrm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things wi - with the sort of raffia work base that has an attachment. At this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock. Yea, it is written in the book of Cyril that...
Brian's mother : What star sign is he?
Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.
Brian's mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.
Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.
Brian's mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?
Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.
Brian's mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.
Pontius Pilate : Stwike him, Centuwion. Stwike him vewy wuffly!
Mr. Big Nose : I'll get you for this, you bastard.
Parvus : Oh, yeah?
Mr. Big Nose : Oh, yeah. Don't worry. I never forget a face.
Parvus : No?
Mr. Big Nose : I warned you. I'm going to punch you so hard, you Roman git!
Parvus : Shut up, you Jewish turd!
Mr. Big Nose : Who are you calling Jewish? I'm not Jewish! I'm a Samaritan!
Gregory : A Samaritan? This is supposed to be a Jewish section.
Mrs. Big Nose : [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak] Don't pick your nose!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!
Mrs. Big Nose : You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!
Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't!
Mrs. Big Nose : Leave it alone! Give it a rest!
Stan : Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!
Stan : Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!
Mr. Big Nose : Don't you swear at my wife!
Stan : I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.
Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!
Stan : Well, he 'as got a big nose!
Man #1 : [trying to hear Jesus] Would you be quiet, please. What was that?
Stan : I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.
Man #2 : I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!
Wife : What's so special about the cheese-makers?
Husband : Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.
Stan : See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!
Mr. Big Nose : Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!
Stan : Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.
Brian : Lay off him!
Stan : Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?
Mr. Big Nose : One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!
Mrs. Big Nose : Language! And don't pick your nose!
Boring Prophet : There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. Do you know what she's called? She's called... Incontinentia. Incontinentia Buttocks.
Pontius Pilate : He wanks as high as any in Wome!
Brian : Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
Ex-Leper : Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.
Leper 1 : Alms for a leper!
Leper 2 : Alms for a leper!
Ex-Leper : Alms for an ex-leper!
Ben the Prisoner : Quite the jailer's pet, are we?
Brian : What do you mean?
Ben the Prisoner : You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
Brian : Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!
Ben the Prisoner : Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.
Brian : Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!
Ben the Prisoner : Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.
Francis : We're gettin' in through the underground heating system here, up through into the main audience chamber here, and Pilate's wife's bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform Pilate that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Commando Xerxes : What exactly are the demands?
Reg : We're giving Pilate two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Roman Imperialist State, and if he doesn't agree immediately, we execute her.
Francis : Why are you always on about women, Stan?
Stan : I want to be one.
Reg : What?
Stan : I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me 'Loretta'.
Reg : What?
Stan : It's my right as a man.
Judith : Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
Stan : I want to have babies.
Reg : You want to have babies?
Stan : It's every man's right to have babies if he wants them.
Reg : But... you can't have babies!
Stan : Don't you oppress me!
Reg : I'm not oppressing you, Stan! You haven't got a womb! Where's the foetus going to gestate? You going to keep it in a box?
Stan : [starts to cry]