Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979) Poster

Graham Chapman: Wise Man #2, Brian Cohen, Biggus Dickus



  • Brian : Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front?

    Reg : Fuck off! 'Judean People's Front'. We're the People's Front of Judea! 'Judean People's Front'.

    Francis : Wankers.

  • Brian : Please, please, please listen! I've got one or two things to say.

    The Crowd : Tell us! Tell us both of them!

    Brian : Look, you've got it all wrong! You don't NEED to follow ME, You don't NEED to follow ANYBODY! You've got to think for your selves! You're ALL individuals!

    The Crowd : Yes! We're all individuals!

    Brian : You're all different!

    The Crowd : Yes, we ARE all different!

    Man in crowd : I'm not...

    The Crowd : Sch!

  • Pontius Pilate : So, yaw fatha was a Woman? Who was he?

    Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jerusalem Garrisons.

    Pontius Pilate : Weally? What was his name?

    Brian : 'Naughtius Maximus'.

    [the Centurion laughs] 

    Pontius Pilate : Centuwion, do we have anyone of that name in the gawwison?

    Centurion : Well, no, sir.

    Pontius Pilate : Well, you sound vewy sure. Have you checked?

    Centurion : Well, no, sir. Umm, I think it's a joke, sir... like, uh, 'Sillius Soddus' or... 'Biggus Dickus', sir.

    Pontius Pilate : [guard chuckles]  What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus? "

    Centurion : Well, it's a joke name, sir.

    Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called 'Biggus Dickus'.

    [guard chuckles] 

    Pontius Pilate : Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find yourself in gladiator school vewy quickly with wotten behaviour like that.

    Brian : Can I go now, sir?


    Brian : Aaah! Eh.

    Pontius Pilate : Wait till Biggus Dickus hears of this!

    [guard chuckles] 

    Pontius Pilate : Wight! Take him away!

    Centurion : Oh, sir, he - he only...

    Pontius Pilate : No, no. I want him fighting wabid, wild animals within a week.

    Centurion : Yes, sir. Come on, you.

    [takes the guard away as continues laughing histerically] 

    Pontius Pilate : I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy. - - Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggus...

    [another guard chuckles] 

    Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?

    [more chuckling] 

    Pontius Pilate : What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... 'Biggus'...


    Pontius Pilate : ... Dickus?

    [both guards chuckle] 

    Pontius Pilate : He has a wife, you know. You know what she's called? She's called... 'Incontinentia'... Incontinentia Buttocks

    Pontius Pilate : [Guards are laughing]  Stop! What is all this?

    Pontius Pilate : [laughing continues]  I've had enough of this wowdy webel sniggewing behaviour. Silence! Call yourselves Pwaetowian guards? You're not - Seize him! Seize him! Blow your noses and seize him!

  • Ex-Leper : Okay, sir, my final offer: half a shekel for an old ex-leper?

    Brian : Did you say "ex-leper"?

    Ex-Leper : That's right, sir, 16 years behind a veil and proud of it, sir.

    Brian : Well, what happened?

    Ex-Leper : Oh, cured, sir.

    Brian : Cured?

    Ex-Leper : Yes sir, bloody miracle, sir. Bless you!

    Brian : Who cured you?

    Ex-Leper : Jesus did, sir. I was hopping along, minding my own business, all of a sudden, up he comes, cures me! One minute I'm a leper with a trade, next minute my livelihood's gone. Not so much as a by-your-leave! "You're cured, mate." Bloody do-gooder.

  • Brian : I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!

    Girl : Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.

    Brian : What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!

    Followers : He is! He is the Messiah!

    Brian : Now, FUCK OFF!


    Arthur : How shall we fuck off, O Lord?

    Brian : Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.

  • [first lines] 

    Wise Man #1 : Ahem!

    Brian's mother : Oh!

    [falls over in chair] 

    Brian's mother : Who are you?

    Wise Man #2 : We are three wise men.

    Brian's mother : What?

    Wise Man #1 : We are three wise men.

    Brian's mother : Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.

  • Brian : I am NOT the Messiah!

    Arthur : I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.

  • Reg : If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.

    Brian : I do!

    Reg : Oh yeah, how much?

    Brian : A lot!

    Reg : Right, you're in.

  • Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth?

    Brian : You sanctimonious bastards!

    Centurion : I have an order for his release!

    Brian : You stupid bastards!

    Mr. Cheeky : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth.

    Brian : What?

    Mr. Cheeky : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth.

    Centurion : Take him down!

    Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!

    Victim #1 : Eh, I'm Brian!

    Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian!

    Victim #2 : Look, I'm Brian!

    Brian : I'm Brian!

    Victims : I'm Brian!

    Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife!

    Victims : I'm Brian! I'm Brian!...

    Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth!

    Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him.

    Mr. Cheeky : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke!

  • Ex-Leper : Half a dinare for me bloody life story?

    Brian : There's no pleasing some people.

    Ex-Leper : That's just what Jesus said, sir.

  • Brian : Have I got a big nose, Mum?

    Brian's mother : Stop thinking about sex!

    Brian : I wasn't!

    Brian's mother : You're always on about it. "Will the girls like this? Will the girls like that? Is it too big? Is it too small? "

  • Brian's mother : What star sign is he?

    Wise Man #2 : Capricorn.

    Brian's mother : Capricorn, eh? What are they like?

    Wise Man #2 : He is the son of God, our Messiah.

    Wise Man #1 : King of the Jews.

    Brian's mother : And that's Capricorn, is it?

    Wise Man #3 : No, no, that's just him.

    Brian's mother : Oh, I was going to say, otherwise there'd be a lot of them.

  • Biggus Dickus : Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanthe if there ith a thudden crithith!

    [I may be of some assistance if there is a sudden crisis] 

  • Reg : [arriving at Brian's crucifixion]  Hello, Sibling Brian.

    Brian : Thank God you've come, Reg.

    Reg : Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom. "

    Brian : What?

    Reg : "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P. F. J. , etc. " And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time.

  • [under the cover of darkness, Brian sneaks up to a statue and starts painting Latin grafitti on the plinth of a statue; he is caught in the act by a centurion who gives him a Latin grammar lesson] 

    Centurion : What's this, then? "Romanes Eunt Domus"? "People called Romanes, they go the house"?

    Brian : It says "Romans, Go Home".

    Centurion : No it doesn't. What's Latin for "Roman"? Come on!

    Brian : "Romanus".

    Centurion : Goes like?

    Brian : "Annus"?

    Centurion : Vocative plural of "annus" is?

    Brian : "Anni"?

    Centurion : "Romani".

    [the centurion corrects the first line of Brian's grafitti] 

    Centurion : "Eunt". What is "eunt"?

    Brian : "Go".

    Centurion : Conjugate the verb "to go".

    Brian : "Ire, eo, is, it, imus, itis, eunt".

    Centurion : So "eunt" is?

    Brian : Third person plural present indicative. "They go".

    Centurion : But "Romans, go home" is an *order*, so you must use the...?

    Brian : The imperative!

    Centurion : Which is?

    Brian : Um, oh, oh, "i".

    Centurion : How many Romans?

    Brian : Plural. "Ite".

    Centurion : "Ite".

    [the centurion corrects the second line of Brian's grafitti] 

    Centurion : "Domus"? Nominative? "Go home". This is motion towards, isn't it, Brian?

    Brian : Dative!

    [the centurion draws his sword and holds it to Brian's neck] 

    Brian : No, not dative! Accusative! Accusative! "Domum", sir. "Ad domum".

    Centurion : Except that "domus" takes the...

    Brian : The locative, sir.

    Centurion : Which is?

    Brian : "Domum".

    Centurion : "Domum".

    [the centurion corrects the last line of Brian's grafitti] 

    Centurion : Understand?

    Brian : Yes, sir.

    Centurion : Now write it out a hundred times.

    Brian : Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.

    Centurion : Hail Caesar. And if it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off.

  • [On the run from Roman soldiers, Brain lands on a public stage prophets. Brian quickly decides to disgues himself as one] 

    Brian : [Unsure and stuttering]  Don't... pass judgement... on other people, or you might be judged yourself.

    Passer-by : [as if shocked]  What?

    Brian : I said, don't pass judgement on others or you might be judged yourself.

    Passer-by : [in small, squeaky voice]  Who me? Oh, Thank you very much!

  • Brian : What will they do to me?

    Ben the Prisoner : Oh you'll probably get away with crucifixion.

    Brian : CRUCIFIXION?

    Ben the Prisoner : Yeah, first offense.

  • Mrs. Big Nose : [a crowd is listening to Jesus speak]  Don't pick your nose!

    Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't pickin' my nose! I was scratchin' it!

    Mrs. Big Nose : You was pickin' it, while you was talkin' to that lady!

    Mr. Big Nose : I wasn't!

    Mrs. Big Nose : Leave it alone! Give it a rest!

    Stan : Do you mind? I can't 'ear a word he's sayin'!

    Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you 'Do you mind' me! I was talkin' to my 'usband!

    Stan : Well, go and talk to 'im somewhere else! I can't 'ear a bloody thing!

    Mr. Big Nose : Don't you swear at my wife!

    Stan : I was only askin' 'er to shut up, so we can 'ear what he's sayin', 'Big Nose'.

    Mrs. Big Nose : Don't you call my 'usband 'Big Nose'!

    Stan : Well, he 'as got a big nose!

    Man #1 : [trying to hear Jesus]  Would you be quiet, please. What was that?

    Stan : I don't know; I was too busy talkin' to 'Big Nose'.

    Man #2 : I think it was: 'Blessed are the cheese-makers'!

    Wife : What's so special about the cheese-makers?

    Husband : Well, obviously, it's not meant to be taken literally - it refers to any manufacturer of... dairy products.

    Stan : See? If you 'adn't been goin' on, we'd 'ave 'eard that, 'Big Nose'!

    Mr. Big Nose : Say that once more - I'll smash your bloody face in!

    Stan : Better keep listening; might be a bit about 'Blessed are the Big Noses'.

    Brian : Lay off him!

    Stan : Oh, you're not so bad yourself, conk-face... Where are you two from? 'Nose City'?

    Mr. Big Nose : One more time, mate! I'll take you to the fuckin' cleaners!

    Mrs. Big Nose : Language! And don't pick your nose!

  • Brian : I'm not a roman mum, I'm a kike, a yid, a heebie, a hook-nose, I'm kosher mum, I'm a Red Sea pedestrian, and proud of it!

  • [Brian is explaining why there's a crowd outside their house] 

    Brian : They must have just popped by!

    Brian's mother : Popped by? SWARMED by, more like! There's a multitude out there!

  • Brian : You have to be different!

    The Crowd : Yes, we are all different!

    Small lonely voice : I'm not!

  • Brian : Well, why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?

    Ex-Leper : Uh, I could do that sir, yeah. Yeah, I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and excuse my French, sir.

  • Ben the Prisoner : Quite the jailer's pet, are we?

    Brian : What do you mean?

    Ben the Prisoner : You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?

    Brian : Slipped him a few shekels-you saw him spit in my face!

    Ben the Prisoner : Oh, what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face? I sometimes hang awake at night, dreaming of being spat at in the face.

    Brian : Well it's not exactly friendly, is it? They have me in manacles!

    Ben the Prisoner : Manacles! Ooooh, my idea of heaven, is to be allowed to be put in manacles. Just for a few hours... they must think the sun shines out your ass, sonny.

  • Brian : [Brian is in a prison cell with Ben who is hanging from chains]  Oh lay off, I've had a hard time!

    Ben the Prisoner : You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.

  • Brian : No, no. Please, please please listen. I've got one or two things to say.

    The Crowd : Tell us! Tell us both of them!

    Brian : Look, you've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves! You're all individuals!

    The Crowd : Yes! We're all individuals!

    Brian : You're all different!

    The Crowd : Yes! We're all different!

    Man in crowd : I'm not...

    Man in crowd : Shhh!

    Brian : You've all got to work it out for yourselves.

    The Crowd : Yes! We've got to work it out for ourselves!

    Brian : Exactly!

    The Crowd : Tell us more!

    Brian : No! That's the point! Don't let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise - Ow! Ow!

  • Brian's mother : Ah, how I hate wearing these beards.

    Brian : Why aren't women allowed to go to stonings, mum?

    Brian's mother : It's written, that's why.

    Beard vendor : Pssst! Beard, madam?

  • Brian : Now Hear this ! Blessed are they..

    Brian : ..Who convert their neighbours asses

    Brian : For they shall inhibit their girth

    Centurion : Rubbish

    Brian : And to them only shall be given

    Brian : to them only..

    Brian : shall be given...

    Girl In Crowd : what ?

    Brian : um ?

    Girl In Crowd : shall be given what ?

    Brian : Oh nothing.

    Girl In Crowd : what were you going to say ?

    Brian : Nothing.

    Girl In Crowd : yes, you were going to say something ?

    Brian : No, I finished.

    Girl In Crowd : Oh no

    Man in crowd : Tell us before you go

    Brian : I am finished.

    Man in crowd : Why wont he tell ? A secret, is it ?

    Brian : No

    Man in crowd : Must be otherwise he'd tell us.

    Brian : Leave me alone.

  • Brian : You silly sods!

  • Brian's mother : Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but... well, Brian... your father isn't Mr. Cohen.

    Brian : I never thought he was.

    Brian's mother : Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.

    Brian : You mean you were raped?

    Brian's mother : Well, at first, yes.

See also

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