Japanese soldier: [trying to squeeze a large radio into the sub] We've got to figure out how to make these things smaller!
Raoul Lipschitz: I'd like to thank all the GI's for helping make tonight's evening such a... a memorable occasion. Maybe in the future we can have some Negroes come in and we'll stage a race riot... right here.
[reporting over the radio on a riot at the USO]
Raoul Lipschitz: Ladies and gentlemen, every where I look... soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting Marines! Directly in front of me, I see a flying blond floozy! Everywhere I look... everywhere, pure pandemonium... pandemonium!
Hollis P. Wood: You ain't gettin' shit out of me. I've been constipated all week and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Madness - it's the only word to describe it. This isn't the state of California, this is a state of insanity.
Sergeant Frank Tree: You know, this year wasn't the big year of the war, '41. I think the really big year is going to be 1942.
Major General Joseph W. Stillwell: [sighs] It's gonna be a long war.
Sergeant Frank Tree: You shouldn't touch the ordnance at all. But more specifically, you should never pull this hand-operating lever to the rear.
Ward Douglas: Never.
Sergeant Frank Tree: Do not push a clip of ammunition down into the feed rollers here.
Ward Douglas: No, sir, never.
Sergeant Frank Tree: You never restore this lever to firing position. Do not make sure that this cover is completely closed.
Ward Douglas: No, sir.
Sergeant Frank Tree: Never depress operator's foot triggers here, here and at the rear here.
Hollis P. Wood: [after seeing Captain von Kleinschmidt enter] Jesus Palomino, a Nazi! I knew it, you're all in cahoots! Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Heinie Kraut, I fought your kind in the Great War, and we kicked the living shit out of you!
Wally Stephens: I've learned a very important lesson today. I'll never shop east of Beverly Hills.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: War nerves? Who said war nerves?
The Patron: I heard it on that radio there.
[Kelso shoots the radio]
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Radio's wrong.
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Identify yourself!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Captain Wild Bill Kelso, United States Army Air Corps. Where the hell am I?
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Barstow. Where are you coming from?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: San Francisco. Been chasing a Jap squadron for a day and a half. I lost 'em somewhere over Fresno.
Telephone Operator: I'm from Moline, Illinois.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Tough shit.
Major General Joseph W. Stillwell: Bombs! I don't hear any bombs! Now they're up there. They came all the way from Asia. Don't you think they'd bring a few bombs along?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [Exit in a hurry]
General Joseph W. Stilwell: That is the craziest son of a bitch I've ever seen.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: You can't have an air raid without bombs!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [after parking his fighter plane in front of a gas station with the engine running] Fill her up! Ethel!
Gas Mama: Where?
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: Real Japs?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Nah, wooden Japs, Cheetah. What do you think?
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: [to Hollis Wood] Where Hollywood?
Hollis P. Wood: Right here.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: What?
Hollis P. Wood: You're looking at him.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Who?
Hollis P. Wood: Hollis Wood.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Where?
Hollis P. Wood: I'm right here! Shoot, can't ya understand plain English?
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Hollywood?
Hollis P. Wood: Huh?
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Where?
Hollis P. Wood: Here!
[Mitamura opens up a map and shows it to Hollis]
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Look. Where Hollywood? North? South?
Hollis P. Wood: Oh! You want me to tell you where Hollywood is! Well, shoot, that's easy. Hollywood is...
[suddenly, he realizes the truth about this]
Hollis P. Wood: Oh, no, you don't. You thought you was gonna get me to show you where Hollywood was, didn't ya? Tried to sneak up on us, like ya did at Pearl Harbor! Bet you're gonna bomb John Wayne's house, ain't ya?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [shooting a plane out of the sky] Sayonara, suckers!
Sergeant Frank Tree: [addressing the rioting crowd] You think the Krauts believe in Walt Disney?
Sergeant Frank Tree: Yeah, well, was that Mickey Mouse I saw blitzkrieging across France?
Sergeant Frank Tree: Pluto in Poland?
Sergeant Frank Tree: Or Donald Duck at Pearl Harbor?
Hollis P. Wood: You sneaky little bastards aren't getting doodly-shit from me, except maybe my name, rank, and Social Security number: Wood, Hollis P., Lumberjack, Social Security 106-43-2185.
Sergeant Frank Tree: If there's one thing I can't stand seeing, it's Americans fighting Americans.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Kid, you gotta get that sub.
Wally Stephens: What sub?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The Jap sub.
Wally Stephens: Where?
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: The ocean, lame-o.
Private Foley: Now Sarge, what is the loading and firing procedure for the 75-millimeter cannon?
Sergeant Frank Tree: [delirious] There are five basic components...
Private Foley: This is it, pay attention.
Sergeant Frank Tree: ...to the new General Electric refrigerator: one, the freon compressor, two, the freon tube...
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: [in German; subtitled] The Führer was right! There is no place in the Third Reich for you yellow swine!
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: [in Japanese; subtitled] You can take your "Third Reich" and shove it up your ass!
Claude Crumn: Turn off those lights, you little asshole!
Donna Stratton: You get me up in that plane, then we'll talk about forward thrust.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [after the failed B-17 tryst] Oh, Donna you can't do this to me, you don't know what I've been through today!
Donna Stratton: [hair slightly astray under her hat, looking very annoyed] Loomis, my father was a drill sergeant in the Marine Corps.
[balls up her fist]
Donna Stratton: And he taught me how to defend myself. Now *leave* me *alone*.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Donna, please -
[she hits him in the face, and he falls back onto the controls, releasing a bomb onto the ground]
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: Come back, plane!
[chases after his plane, shooting his gun off in the air]
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: [laughing at Foley, who is covered in black powder] Hey, hey, hey, get to the back of the tank!
Donna Stratton: [Loomis is all over her, but briefly breaks away to steer the plane; exhausted] Is the target in sight yet, Loomis?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Oh, it will be, j-just as soon as I make it through these...
[stares at her breasts]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: hills.
[starts kissing her again]
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [to Birkhead, ignoring the dirt-covered corporal who pulls up in front of them at the movie theater] Come on. I don't want to miss Dumbo.
Wally Stephens: Hey Betty, look! There's Officer Miller! That's the flatfoot who sent me up the river!
[Officer Miller is seen talking to a few people]
Officer Miller: I'm telling you, I saw those sons of Nip coming up the beach right now...
[the tank rumbles past Miller and the people]
Wally Stephens: Hey Miller, look at me!
Officer Miller: [shouts] Wally?
Wally Stephens: Hey copper, don't you know there's a blackout? Turn out your lights!
[Wally opens fire at Officer Miller's police car, destroying it]
Title Card: On December 7, 1941, the Naval Air Arm of the Imperial Japanese Fleet, in a surprise attack, struck the United States Naval Base at Pearl Harbor and hurtled an unsuspecting America into World War II.
Title Card: American citizens were stunned, shocked and outraged at this treacherous attack. On the West Coast, paranoia gripped the entire population as panic-stricken citizens were convinced that California was the next target of the Imperial Japanese Forces.
Title Card: Major General Joseph W. Stilwell, Commander of the Army Third Corps, was given the responsibility of defending Southern California. Army and Marine units were mobilized. Anti-aircraft defense batteries were manned and made ready. Civilian Defense operations sprang into action.
Title Card: For the first time since the Civil War, American citizens prepared to defend their homeland against an enemy whose first assault was expected anywhere, at any time, and in any force...
Sergeant Frank Tree: [to the rioting crowd] What the hell do you people think you're doing? You're acting like a bunch of Tojo stooges! What do you wanna do, put Yamamoto in the White House? The Axis is crawling like a slime all over Europe! I can't believe it, Americans fighting Americans! We got the lousy Huns to fight!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [arriving at a movie theater] Ah, "Dumbo". Sure be good to get my mind off things for a while.
Sergeant Frank Tree: [addressing the rioting crowd] Look at Santy Claus; isn't he cute?
Sergeant Frank Tree: You think the Japanese believe in Santy Claus?
Sergeant Frank Tree: Well, instead of turkey for your Christmas dinner, how would you like to have raw fish heads and rice?
Sergeant Frank Tree: This war's been going on for the last ten years. You had your Japs in Manchuria in 1931, the I-ties in Ethiopia in 1935, and the Krauts have been blitzkrieging your favorite European tourist attractions for the last three years! Now, last year in Africa, it took General O'Connor and his British tanks two months to grab Libya, and it took Rommel twelve days to get it back! That's the kind of tough customer we're going to dealing with.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [to Donna] It's big. The biggest one here. You know what else? It's got a lot of range. You know what I mean by range, don't you? I mean it can stay up for a long time. A very long time. And it's built firm and solid. Because it has to be. Because of its tremendous forward thrust. And when this baby delivers its payload... devastating.
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Let me hear your guns!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: My what?
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Your guns! Ack, ack, ack, ack, ack!
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: [fires his airplane's guns] AHHHH!
[to Betty, before she leaves for the USO]
Ward Douglas: I don't know what they've told you down at the USO, but you're going to be meeting a lot of strange men. Men in uniform. Boys a long way from home, lonely, desperate. They really have one thing on their minds. Show 'em a good time.
[Looking at the Japanese sub through binoculars]
Angelo Scioli: Hey, there's a Kraut on board too. We got the whole damn Axis here.
Hollis P. Wood: Now, wait a minute General! I'm doin' the best I can. You've got to tell these guys that I got to have a little bit more privacy. Shoot, how in the hell do you expect a guy to take a bowel movement with a bunch of buffalo rifles a-pointin' at him? Shoot, I have enough problems just pissin' in a public restroom.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Sir, you don't have any bombers here, do you, sir?
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Bombers? Son, if I had bombers I'd be bombin' the hell out of them right now!
[Maddox and his men start laughing madly]
Donna Stratton: [looking around; whispers to herself] No planes?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [to himself] Boy, am I in trouble now...
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: [signals for the laughing to stop] Hell, son, the only plane I've got around here is that old shit on a shingle trainer sittin' right over there.
[soldiers pull down tarp to reveal an older plane; Donna's face lights up at the sight of it, as Loomis looks over to her for approval]
Donna Stratton: [nodding and whispering her approval] It's fine, it's fine. Let's go!
Donna Stratton: [smiling mischievously, Donna takes off her hat and lets her hair down, staring at Loomis intently, who is transfixed on flying the plane] This thing handles pretty well, even if it's not a B-17. But...
[moves over to him, unbuckles his front belt]
Donna Stratton: Does it have much range, Loomis?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [too tightly focused on flying the plane] Huh?
Donna Stratton: [caressing his face] I mean, do you think it'll stay up for a long time?
[starts sucking on his ear, feels up his chest]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [still too tightly focused on flying the plane] Sure. Hell, we've used less than a quarter of a tank of gas already.
[his head jerks out the window for a moment]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Look! We're already over the Riverside County Reservoir!
[she ignores him and starts kissing his cheek and caressing his chin]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [Donna has his uniform open and is trying to tear off his T-shirt; he is *still* too focused on actually flying the plane] Donna - Donna would you lay off? I'm trying to steer!
Donna Stratton: [upset and frustrated] What's wrong, Loomis? You're not airborne yet!
Captain Loomis Birkhead: What are you talking about? Look out the window, of course we're airborne!
Donna Stratton: We are, but -
[looks down at his pants then straight in the eye]
Donna Stratton: but you're not.
[kisses him passionately]
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Destroy that industrial complex!
Wally Stephens: I know I can't beat you in a fair fight.
Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: [scoffs] Stupid, I don't fight fair.
Wally Stephens: Neither do I!
[kicks Stretch in the crotch, then hits him across the face with a gun belt. Stretch smiles dumbly for a second then falls over]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [kneeling down as he spots Donna from a distance] Is that the general's new secretary?
Pvt. DuBois: Yeah, she just came in from HQ. Not bad, huh?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [incredulous] Not bad? She's a goddess, DuBois, a goddamn goddess! That is Donna Stratton! I knew her back in Washington. She has got this thing for planes.
Pvt. DuBois: One of those real high flying types, huh?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: I've never seen anything like it... she's got *planes* on the *brain*!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [annoyed] Where's Birkhead? He's supposed to have my lunch.
Donna Stratton: [whistling, dreamy] B-17. Mmm...
[heads for the B-17 with a dreamy smile on her face]
Captain Loomis Birkhead: No man has ever gotten to first base with her on the ground. But get her up in a plane, she'll bat your balls right out of the park.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: [after the reporter runs off] I tell ya, DuBois, there are drawbacks to being a general's aide. I mean, the general could have been a few minutes later, now couldn't he?
Pvt. DuBois: Well, it is wartime, sir, we all have to make sacrifices.
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: [in German, to Hollis P. Wood who is on the toilet] Now you WILL shit! That is an order!
Japanese soldier: [while the radio is tapped into the USO dance] Sir, Hollywood!
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Lock onto that signal. We will follow it and blow the shit out of something big.
Donna Stratton: General Stilwell, Colonel Grant suggests dispatching guard units to all the city reservoirs. Intelligence suspects that fifth columnists are going to pour poison into the water supply.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: And G-2 should pour knockout drops into the water supply. Maybe the people of the city would calm down and leave the war to the Army.
Wally Stephens: [Wally and Stretch have just unexpectedly "run into" each other] You!
Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: [furious, pointing at Wally] YOU!
Ward Douglas: [running up, shouts at Wally] You!
Sergeant Frank Tree: [also to Wally, but more casually] You... have a serious wardrobe problem, kid.
Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: I hate eggs.
Maxine Dexheimer: [having been caught by Ward and Stretch, they put Wally in a garbage truck]
Wally Stephens: [calling out to Betty as he is driven away] I'm gonna be there at 8:00 in front of the Crystal Ballroom! I'll meet you there!
Ward Douglas: [calling out] No, you won't!
Wally Stephens: [calling back] Yes, I will!
Maxine Dexheimer: [calling out] No, you won't!
Wally Stephens: [calling back] Yes, I will!
Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: [confidently] No, you won't.
Hollis P. Wood: [sniffs bottle given to him by Japanese captors] Prune juice? Oh, no you don't!
Ward Douglas: My girlfriend was there, because - There was this wild man there and she...
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Son, is this a long story?
Ward Douglas: Yes, sir.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Well, then, save it.
Captain Wild Bill Kelso: My name is Wild Bill Kelso, and don't you forget it.
Private Foley: I'll tell you what we're gonna do: we're gonna go home, we're gonna paint the scratches on this tank, we're gonna put the sarge to bed and we're gonna forget this night ever happened!
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [responding to the chaos caused by panicked citizens thinking the Japanese are invading] Sergeant, secure this area. I want a one-block perimeter.
Sergeant Frank Tree: Yes, sir! What's the plan of action, sir?
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Hold the block. You can hold one block, can't you?
General Joseph W. Stilwell: [Seeing Private Johnson running by saluting him] What was that?
Pvt. DuBois: Appears to be a large Negro, sir.
Pvt. Ogden Johnson Jones: [Showing Private Foley that he is covered in oil making him look black] Get to the bank of the tank!
Donna Stratton: Sorry, Captain, I didn't realize you had a serious interests in strategic bombers.
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Donna, my interest is very strategic. How would you like me to show you the cockpit?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: On the stick.
Donna Stratton: Yes. Yes. Give it to me!
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Right. Now, we are rolling. We're rolling down that runway. Faster. And faster.
Donna Stratton: I don't feel any thrust?
Captain Loomis Birkhead: Don't worry! Don't worry! You will! You will.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: All of our navigational equipment is inoperable. It's all crap! What kind of submarine did your government sell us?
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: The instruments on this vessel are the finest Swiss-made. The problem is with your crew. Even children in the Hitler youth learn by the age of ten how to operate a simple compass. I suggest you return to your homeland and leave the American continent to our Superior Reich Navy.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: Ito, take a landing party ashore and determine our position!
Captain Wolfgang von Kleinschmidt: Captain, you are insane.
Colonel Akiro Mitamura: These men are the descendants of Ninja Assassins. They will find Hollywood!
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: Winowski, a little tall for a Jap, wouldn't you say?
Winowski: Yeah, but those Japs are sneaky bastards, sir. You never know.
Colonel "Madman" Maddox: You're right. Check him for stilts.
General Joseph W. Stilwell: Damage?
Sergeant Frank Tree: The Japanese sunk both our tank and Ferris wheel sir.
Wally Stephens: I think we hit the sub. I saw it go down!
Cpl. Chuck 'Stretch' Sitarski: You ain't gonna tip him, are you Sarge?
Wally Stephens: It's OK! I don't need your tip!
Sergeant Frank Tree: I think you do, get rid of that shirt.
Donna Stratton: Give it to me Loomis! Oh, give it to me!