- [the Deltas have been expelled]
- Bluto: Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.
- [Dean Wormer's plotting to get rid of Delta House]
- Greg Marmalard: But Delta's already on probation.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: They are? Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
- [Flounder has just fired a blank cartridge near Neidermeyer's horse, and the horse has dropped dead]
- Bluto: Holy shit!
- D-Day: There were blanks in that gun!
- Flounder: I didn't even point the gun at him!
- Bluto: Holy shit!
- [D-Day checks the gun]
- D-Day: There WERE blanks in that gun!
- Flounder: Maybe he had a heart attack.
- Bluto: Holy shit!
- Bluto: Hey! What's all this laying around shit?
- Stork: What the hell are we supposed to do, ya moron?
- D-Day: [to Bluto] War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
- Bluto: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
- Otter: [to Boon] Germans?
- Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
- Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...
- [thinks hard of something to say]
- Bluto: The tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
- [Bluto runs out, alone; then returns]
- Bluto: What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...
- Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic... but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part!
- Bluto: We're just the guys to do it.
- D-Day: [stands up]
- Boon: [stands up] Let's do it.
- Bluto: [shouting] "Let's do it"!
- [all of the Deltas stand up and run out with Bluto]
- Otter: Let me give you a hint. She's got a couple of major-league yabbos.
- Boon: Beverly!
- Otter: No. But you're getting warmer. Here's another: "Oh God, Oh God, OH GOD!"
- Boon: Marlene! Don't tell me you're gonna pork Marlene Desmond!
- Otter: Pork?
- Boon: You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?
- Otter: Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Mr. Kroger. Two C's, two D's, and an F. That's a 1.2 grade average. Congratulations, Kroger. You're at the top of the Delta pledge class. Mr. Dorfman.
- Flounder: [drunk] Hellooooo.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: 0.2... Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta House. 1.6; four C's and an F. A fine example you set! Daniel Simpson Day... HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu...
- [sees Bluto with a pair of pencils in his nostrils]
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Mr. Blutarsky... zero... point... zero.
- [Bluto shrugs]
- [Otter and Mrs. Wormer are in the supermarket vegetable section]
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Mine's bigger.
- Marion Wormer: [Marion looks questioningly at him] I beg your pardon?
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, my cucumber. It's bigger. Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?
- Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. By the way, my name's Eric Stratton. They call me Otter.
- Marion Wormer: My name's Marion. They call me Mrs. Wormer.
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
- Marion Wormer: What a coincidence. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?
- [Clorette has just passed out]
- Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out. Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
- Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
- Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
- Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
- Larry's evil conscience: You homo.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
- Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
- Greg Marmalard: You're talking about Delta, sir.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!
- Doug Neidermeyer: And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
- Boon: I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's got to be a very special girl.
- Pinto: Look, you don't have to...
- Boon: Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude.
- Katy: You mean you want someone he can screw on the first date.
- Boon: Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.
- Pinto: Hey!
- Boon: What'd I say?
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: You guys up for a toga party?
- John 'Bluto' Blutarsky: Toga! Toga!
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Ah, I think they like the idea, Hoov.
- Mayor Carmine De Pasto: If you want this year's homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay for it.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Carmine, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college.
- Mayor Carmine De Pasto: Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken.
- Pinto: Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
- Clorette De Pasto: You've never made out with a girl before?
- Pinto: No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk...
- Clorette De Pasto: That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. It's my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.
- Pinto: Oh, yeah? What about?
- Clorette De Pasto: I'm only 13.
- Boon: It's not gonna be an orgy! It's a toga party.
- Katy: Honestly, Boon, you're 21-years old. In six months you're going to graduate, and tomorrow night you're going to wrap yourself in a bed sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head. It's cute, but I think I'll pass this time.
- Boon: Want me to go alone?
- Katy: Baby, I don't want you to go at all.
- Boon: It's a fraternity party, I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?
- Katy: I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend.
- Charming guy with guitar: I gave my love a cherry / That had no stone / I gave my love a chicken / That had no bones / I gave my love a story / That had no end / I gave my...
- Bluto: [grabs the guitar and smashes it against the wall] Sorry.
- Otter: Point of parliamentary procedure!
- Hoover: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!
- Otter: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.
- Boon: I thought you were pre-med.
- Otter: What's the difference?
- [Addressing the room]
- Otter: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.
- [winks at Dean Wormer]
- Otter: But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
- [Leads the Deltas out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]
- D-Day: Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.
- Otter: Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up... you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.
- Flounder: [crying] That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?
- Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and this morning... it was gone. We report it as stolen to the police. D-Day takes care of the wreck. Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car.
- Flounder: Will that work?
- Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
- Bluto: [thrusting six-pack into Flounder's hands] My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
- Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.
- D-Day: [firing up blow-torch] There you go now, just leave everything to me.
- Clorette De Pasto: Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Sophomore dies in kiln explosion? Oh My God! I just talked to her last week... She was going to make a pot for me.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!
- Otter: What a tool.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
- Otter: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Put a sock in it, boy, or else you'll be outta here like shit through a goose.
- Greg Marmalard: Come outta there, you bastards!
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: [in falsetto] Who is it?
- Greg Marmalard: You know damn well who it is.
- Eric 'Otter' Stratton: I'm sorry. You'll have to come back later. I'm doing the dishes.
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Have you boys seen your grade point averages yet?
- [the Deltas are silent]
- Dean Vernon Wormer: Well, have you?
- Hoover: I have, sir. I know it's a little below par...
- Dean Vernon Wormer: It's more than a little below par, Mr. Hoover. IT STINKS! It's the lowest on campus. It's the lowest in Faber history!
- [None of his literature students are paying attention]
- Jennings: Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He's a little bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible.
- [Bell rings, students rise to leave]
- Jennings: But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for reports from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!
- Mandy Pepperidge: [Bluto has joined Mandy, Otter, Greg, Chip and Babs at their lunch table and is consuming his food with somewhat sloppy gusto] Greg, can't you...
- Otter: No, it's okay, just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.
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What was the official certification given to National Lampoon's Animal House (1978) in Spain?
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