[Clorette has just passed out]
Larry's evil conscience: Fuck her. Fuck her brains out. Suck her tits, squeeze her buns. You know she wants it.
Larry's good conscience: For shame! Lawrence, I'm surprised at you!
Larry's evil conscience: Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at those gazongas. You'll never get a better chance.
Larry's good conscience: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless girl, you'll despise yourself forever... I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
Larry's evil conscience: You homo.
[Dean Wormer's plotting to get rid of Delta House]
Greg Marmalard: But Delta's already on probation.
Dean Vernon Wormer: They are? Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION!
[Flounder has just fired a blank cartridge near Neidermeyer's horse, and the horse has dropped dead]
Bluto: Holy shit!
D-Day: There were blanks in that gun!
Flounder: I didn't even point the gun at him!
Bluto: Holy shit!
[D-Day checks the gun]
D-Day: There WERE blanks in that gun!
Flounder: Maybe he had a heart attack.
Bluto: Holy shit!
[the Deltas have been expelled]
Bluto: Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.
Otter: Let me give you a hint. She's got a couple of major-league yabbos.
Otter: No. But you're getting warmer. Here's another: "Oh God, Oh God, OH GOD!"
Boon: Marlene! Don't tell me you're gonna pork Marlene Desmond!
Boon: You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?
Otter: Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.
Chip: [being spanked as part of Omega's initiation] Thank you, sir! May I have another?
Bluto: Hey! What's all this laying around shit?
Stork: What the hell are we supposed to do, ya moron?
D-Day: [to Bluto] War's over, man. Wormer dropped the big one.
Bluto: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
Otter: [to Boon] Germans?
Boon: Forget it, he's rolling.
Bluto: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the goin' gets tough...
[thinks hard of something to say]
Bluto: The tough get goin'! Who's with me? Let's go!
[Bluto runs out, alone; then returns]
Bluto: What the fuck happened to the Delta I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? This could be the greatest night of our lives, but you're gonna let it be the worst. "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Bluto, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Wormer, he's a dead man! Marmalard, dead! Niedermeyer...
Otter: Dead! Bluto's right. Psychotic... but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons, but that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part!
Bluto: We're just the guys to do it.
D-Day: [stands up]
Boon: [stands up] Let's do it.
Bluto: [shouting] "Let's do it"!
[all of the Deltas stand up and run out with Bluto]
Dean Vernon Wormer: Here are your grade point averages. Mr. Kroger: two C's, two D's, and an F. That's a 1.2. Congratulations, Kroger. You're at the top of the Delta pledge class. Mr. Dorfman?
Flounder: [drunk] Hello!
Dean Vernon Wormer: 0.2... Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. Mr. Hoover, president of Delta house? 1.6; four C's and an F. A fine example you set! Daniel Simpson Day... HAS no grade point average. All courses incomplete. Mr. Blu...
[sees Bluto with a pair of pencils in his nostrils]
Dean Vernon Wormer: Mr. Blutarsky... zero... point... zero.
Hoover: We're in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the Jewish house and they said that every one of our answers on the psych test was wrong.
Boon: Every one?
[looks at Bluto and D-Day]
Boon: Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking exam!
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: You guys up for a toga party?
John 'Bluto' Blutarsky: Toga! Toga!
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Ah, I think they like the idea, Hoov.
[Otter and Mrs. Wormer are in the supermarket vegetable section]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Mine's bigger.
Marion Wormer: [Marion looks questioningly at him] I beg your pardon?
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, my cucumber. It's bigger. Vegetables can be really sensuous, don't you think?
Marion Wormer: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. By the way, my name's Eric Stratton. They call me Otter.
Marion Wormer: My name's Marion. They call me Mrs. Wormer.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Oh, we have a Dean Wormer at Faber.
Marion Wormer: What a coincidence. I have a husband named Dean Wormer at Faber. Still want to show me your cucumber?
Dean Vernon Wormer: Greg, what is the worst fraternity on this campus?
Greg Marmalard: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
Greg Marmalard: You're talking about Delta, sir.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Of course I'm talking about Delta, you TWERP!
Boon: I want you to fix Pinto up, but it's got to be a very special girl.
Pinto: Look, you don't have to...
Boon: Now, she should be good-looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain... morally casual attitude.
Katy: You mean you want someone he can screw on the first date.
Boon: Well put. You see, Pinto's never been laid.
Boon: What'd I say?
Mayor Carmine De Pasto: If you want this year's homecoming parade in my town, you have to pay for it.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Carmine, I don't think it's right that you should extort money from the college.
Mayor Carmine De Pasto: Look, these parades you throw are very expensive. You using my police, my sanitation people, and my Oldsmobiles free of charge. So, if you mention extortion again, I'll have your legs broken.
Pinto: Before we go any further, there's something I have to tell you. I lied to you. I've never done this before.
Clorette De Pasto: You've never made out with a girl before?
Pinto: No. No, I mean, I've never done what I think we're gonna do in a minute. I sort of did once, but I was drunk...
Clorette De Pasto: That's okay, Larry. Neither have I. It's my first time too. And besides, I lied to you, too.
Pinto: Oh, yeah? What about?
Clorette De Pasto: I'm only 13.
Bluto: See if you can guess what I am now.
[puts a scoop of mashed potatoes in his mouth and hits his cheeks with his fists and spits it out]
Bluto: I'm a zit. Get it?
Neidermeyer: You're all worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty!
Gigantic Dude: Do you mind if we dance with your dates?
D-Day: Hey, quit your blubberin'. When I get through with this baby you won't even recognize it.
Otter: Flounder, you can't spend your whole life worrying about your mistakes! You fucked up... you trusted us! Hey, make the best of it! Maybe we can help.
Flounder: [crying] That's easy for you to say! What am I going to tell Fred?
Otter: I'll tell you what. We'll tell Fred you were doing a great job taking care of his car, but you parked it out back last night and this morning... it was gone. We report it as stolen to the police. D-Day takes care of the wreck. Your brother's insurance company buys him a new car.
Flounder: Will that work?
Otter: Hey, it's gotta work better than the truth.
Bluto: [thrusting six-pack into Flounder's hands] My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.
Otter: Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med.
D-Day: [firing up blow-torch] There you go now, just leave everything to me.
Doug Neidermeyer: And most recently of all, a "Roman Toga Party" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
Charming guy with guitar: I gave my love a cherry / That had no stone / I gave my love a chicken / That had no bones / I gave my love a story / That had no end / I gave my...
Bluto: [grabs the guitar and smashes it against the wall] Sorry.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Sophomore dies in kiln explosion? Oh My God! I just talked to her last week... She was going to make a pot for me.
Boon: It's not gonna be an orgy! It's a toga party.
Katy: Honestly, Boon, you're 21-years old. In six months you're going to graduate, and tomorrow night you're going to wrap yourself in a bed sheet and pour grain alcohol all over your head. It's cute, but I think I'll pass this time.
Boon: Want me to go alone?
Katy: Baby, I don't want you to go at all.
Boon: It's a fraternity party, I'm in the fraternity. How can I miss it?
Katy: I'll write you a note. I'll say you're too well to attend.
Jennings: Teaching is just a way to pay the bills until I finish my novel.
Boon: How long you been workin' on it?
Jennings: Four and a half years.
Pinto: It must be very good.
Jennings: It's a piece of shit. Would anyone like to smoke some pot?
Flounder: I can't believe I threw up in front of Dean Wormer.
Boon: Face it, Kent. You threw up "on" Dean Wormer.
Dean Vernon Wormer: Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!
Otter: What a tool.
Dean Vernon Wormer: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
Otter: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."
Dean Vernon Wormer: Put a sock in it, boy, or else you'll be outta here like shit through a goose.
Clorette De Pasto: Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Larry Kroger. The boy who molested me last month. We have to get married.
Boon: I gotta work on my game.
Otter: No, no, no, don't think of it as work. The whole point is just to enjoy yourself.
Hoover: Kent is a legacy, Otter. His brother was a '59, Fred Dorfman.
Flounder: He said legacies usually get asked to pledge automatically.
Otter: Oh, well, usually. Unless the pledge in question turns out to be a real closet-case.
Greg Marmalard: Come outta there, you bastards!
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: [in falsetto] Who is it?
Greg Marmalard: You know damn well who it is.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: I'm sorry. You'll have to come back later. I'm doing the dishes.
Otter: Point of parliamentary procedure!
Hoover: Don't screw around, they're serious this time!
Otter: Take it easy, I'm pre-law.
Boon: I thought you were pre-med.
Otter: What's the difference?
[Addressing the room]
Otter: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests - we did.
[winks at Dean Wormer]
Otter: But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg - isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!
[Leads the Deltas out of the hearing, all humming the Star-Spangled Banner]
Dean Vernon Wormer: Have you boys seen your grade point averages yet?
[the Deltas are silent]
Dean Vernon Wormer: Well, have you?
Hoover: I have, sir. I know it's a little below par...
Dean Vernon Wormer: It's more than a little below par, Mr. Hoover. IT STINKS! It's the lowest on campus. It's the lowest in Faber history!
Boon: [At the bar in the Negro Dexter Lake Club, Boon turns to face the band] Otis, my man!
[Otis pauses singing for a second and peers incredulously at Boon]
Dean Vernon Wormer: The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.
[None of his literature students are paying attention]
Jennings: Don't write this down, but I find Milton probably as boring as you find Milton. Mrs. Milton found him boring too. He's a little bit long-winded, he doesn't translate very well into our generation, and his jokes are terrible.
[Bell rings, students rise to leave]
Jennings: But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for reports from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!
Dean Vernon Wormer: Put Neidermeyer on it. He's a sneaky little shit just like you.
[at the Dexter Lake Club, a Negroes-only bar, with Otis Day and the Knights playing Shama Lama Ding Dong]
Pinto: What are you majoring in?
Brunella: Primitive cultures.
Mandy Pepperidge: [Bluto has joined Mandy, Otter, Greg, Chip and Babs at their lunch table and is consuming his food with somewhat sloppy gusto] Greg, can't you...
Otter: No, it's okay, just keep your hands and feet away from his mouth.
Flounder: What is my Delta Tau Chi name?
Bluto: Dorfman, I've thought long and hard about this. Your Delta Tau Chi name is... Flounder.
D-Day: We have an old saying in Delta House: don't get mad, get even.
Boon: [Niedermyer is abusing Flounder in ROTC] Vicious mother, isn't he?
Otter: He can't do that to our pledges!
Boon: Only we can do that to our pledges.
Otter: Hi, Eric Stratton, rush chairman. Damn glad to meet you.
Boon: Hi, that was Eric Stratton, rush chairman. He was damn glad to meet you.
Otter: [as Boon, Otter, Flounder, Pinto and their dates enter the Negro bar, the music and dancing pauses and all the patrons turn to look at them] We... are gonna die.
Pinto: Boon, we're the only white people here.
[the music and dancing resumes]
[During the song "Shout" at the toga party]
[He, D-Day, and others begin shaking on the floor]
Pinto: OK, so that means that our whole solar system could be like one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being Giggle. This is nuts! That means that one tiny atom in my fingernail could be...
Jennings: ...could be one tiny little universe!
Pinto: Can I buy some pot from you?
Otter: Mandy, Mandy Pepperidge. I haven't seen you since we...
Mandy Pepperidge: Go away!
Otter: I'm sorry, I can only stay a minute. Can I buy you some lunch? Oh, you got your lunch. Well, how about some milk? Got your milk too. Can I just massage your thighs while you eat?
Mandy Pepperidge: Do I have to leave?
Otter: Is this any way to treat an intimate friend?
Dean Vernon Wormer: [after seeing Bluto pop out of a car in a pirate costume]
Dean Vernon Wormer: Oh my God.
Otter: Flounder, I am appointing you pledge representative to the social committee.
Flounder: Gee Otter, thanks. What do I have to do?
Otter: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.
Boon: Where are you going? We just got here.
Katy: No, Boon, you just got here. I've been downstairs for an hour entertaining some kid from Pig's Knuckle, Arkansas.
Boon: Umm - maybe we could drive up to your folks' place this weekend.
Katy: Oh, fabulous. My car filled with your beer buddies going up to empty my parents' liquor cabinet. It's too depressing to think about.
Boon: No! Just gonna be you and me. And Otter and another girl.
Katy: Is this really what you're gonna do for the rest of your life?
Boon: What do you mean?
Katy: I mean hanging around with a bunch of animals getting drunk every weekend.
Boon: No! After I graduate, I'm gonna get drunk every night.
[after Delta house is closed]
Doug Neidermeyer: How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?
Boon: How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?
Doug Neidermeyer: What'd he say?
Dean Vernon Wormer: Find me a way to revoke Delta's charter. You live next door. Put Neidermeyer on it, he's sneaky little shit just like you, right? The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me!
Doug Neidermeyer: How does it feel to be an independent, Schoenstein?
Boon: [under breath] How does it feel to be an asshole, Neidermeyer?
Hoover: They confiscated everything, even the stuff we didn't steal!
Marion Wormer: You can take your thumb out of my ass any time now, Carmine.
Babs: [Meeting Larry and Kent for the first time] A wimp and a blimp!
Bluto: [after chugging a whole bottle of Jack without a pause for air] Thanks. I needed that.
[chucks the bottle behind him, which shatters on the hood of the car behind him]
Katy: It must have been some party.
Boon: Unbelievable. A new low. I'm so ashamed.
Katy: I'm almost sorry I missed it.
Pinto: I was thinking, maybe we could get some beer.
Clorette De Pasto: Nah, not tonight. Besides, you might get lucky without it.
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Greg, look at my thumb.
[Gregg looks at Otter's thumb. Otter punches Gregg in the face]
Eric 'Otter' Stratton: Gee, you're dumb.
Hoover: Hey are you guys coming down?
[Boon and Otter look at Hoover]
Hoover: There happen to be 50 people downstairs waiting to try and get into this fraternity. Otter, you are the rush chairman. I think you should be present at the rush party.
D-Day: [enters with a bruised and bloodied Otter] I found him after he called me from a phone on the side of the road outside of town.
Boon: [to Otter] Holy shit! What happened to you? You look grotesqe.
Otter: Some of the Omegas jumped me and did a little dancing on my face.
Bluto: Who was it?
Otter: It was Greggie and Douggie... and some of the other Hitler youth.
Boon: Why? What'd you do?
Otter: That's just it... I don't know. They're just animals, I guess.
Dean Vernon Wormer: You're out! Finished at Faber! Expelled! I want you off this campus at nine o'clock Monday morning, and I've contacted your local draft boards and told them that you were all, all eligible for military service.
Greg Marmalard: [at the trial of Delta House V. Omega House] Robert Hoover will speak on behalf of Delta House.
Hoover: [the Deltas cheer as he stands up] I don't think you can fully judge a fraternity without looking at the positive qualities of the people in it. The Delta House has a long standing tradition of existence to its' members and to the community at large.
Dean Vernon Wormer: [to Marmalard] I think we've heard enough.
Hoover: I was told I would have a chance to speak?
Greg Marmalard: We've heard enough.
Hoover: But I was told I would have a chance to speak!
Doug Neidermeyer: HE SAID THAT'S IT! ARE YOU DEAF?
Dean Vernon Wormer: [to Marmalard] Let's finish this damn thing.
Bluto: [in the background] BULLSHIT!
[the other Deltas start chanting "bullshit"]
Hoover: I don't think it's fair!
Dean Vernon Wormer: [angry] I'll tell you what's fair!
Bluto: [in the background] EAT ME!
[the other Deltas start chanting "Eat me"]
Hoover: Hey will someone tell those assholes to shut up?
Boon: Hey shut up you assholes!
[shows Katy laughing hysterically]
Otter: [stands up] Point of parliamentary procedure!
Hoover: Don't screw this up, they're serious this time.
Otter: Take it easy man, I'm in pre law.
Boon: I thought you were pre med?
Otter: What's the difference? Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief.
Dean Vernon Wormer: What's he doing?
Otter: The issue here is not that we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests. We did.
Otter: But you can't hold an entire fraternity responsible for the actions of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is to blame, then is this not an indictment of our education system in general? I put it to you, Greg! Isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but I will not stand by and listen to you bad mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!
[they cheer, walk out humming the US National Anthem]
Dean Vernon Wormer: You're not walking out of this one mister! You're finished! No more Delta! You've bought it this time, buster! I will call your national office! I will revoke your charter! And if you wise guys try one more thing, I am kicking you out of this college! No more fun of any kind!
Dean Vernon Wormer: You better tell Mr. Stratton and Mr. Schoenstein exactly what I am about to tell you now.