Mork & Mindy (1978–1982)
Mork: If Holly liked him so much, how come she punched him and told him he was weird.
Mindy McConnell: Boys and girls often punch or push or hit each other as a sign of affection.
Mork: Punching and pushing and calling someone names means you like them?
Mindy McConnell: Yeah, it can.
Mork: Then the cowboys and Indians are lovers?
Louise Bailey: [in a jail cell with Mindy] Funny the way things happen. I'm in here because of a silly old parking meter.
Mindy McConnell: You're kidding!
Louise Bailey: No, I went into a hardware store and when I came out, *there* was a policeman writing me a ticket.
Mindy McConnell: I don't believe it, they threw you in jail for a parking ticket.
Louise Bailey: Well, in a roundabout way. You see when I put the shovel in the trunk, Walter's arm fell out.
Mindy McConnell: Who's Walter?
Louise Bailey: My husband.
Mindy McConnell: What was he doing in the trunk?
Louise Bailey: Not much... he was dead. I warned him about his snoring for years but he just wouldn't believe me. So last night I took a pair of my very best pantyhose, and I wrapped them around his neck... real tight. You know it was the first good night's sleep I've had in 31 years.
Mindy McConnell: [Mindy gets up and walks across to the other side of the cell] Well, you look well rested.
Louise Bailey: You don't snore, do you, dear?
Customer: [Mork has taken a job working in a health food shop] My doctor says I need to get more iron in my diet, now what do you suggest?
Mork: Eat your car keys.
Politician: You know I'd like to thank you for the time and trouble in bringing this to my attention. Before you go, I would like to present you with one of my souvenir pens.
Mork: Look, if I wanted a pen and coffee I'd have mugged a waitress. You know what, I don't need any more pens. Look at this.
[Mork pulls a handful of pens out of his jacket pocket]
Mork: And look at that, it's a Ronald Reagan pen, it's got no point
Franklin Delano Bickley: That's diddly, he's just going out of town, I'm going out of business. I used to be the best greeting card writer around. I can't work any more.
Mindy McConnell: Oh, come on, we don't make that much noise.
Franklin Delano Bickley: I know, I was blaming it on you but it's time i faced it. I've lost it.
Mork: We could form a posse and find it if you want.
Franklin Delano Bickley: No, it's no use. They say your sympathy is the first thing to go. I used to be able to get tears out of a coat rack. Not any more.
[pulls a card from his pocket]
Franklin Delano Bickley: Listen to this. "Your pet rabbit died. Poor little muffet. Your two choices are, eat it or stuff it".
Mork: Aww, that's sad.
Mork: [Mork's emotions are out of control. His solution is to introduce them to Mindy's emotions] OK guys, come on over here
[mimes football huddle]
[leaps back over to Mindy]
Mindy McConnell: Well?
Mork: I've got mixed emotions.
[alarm for Mork's wristwatch which he wears round his ankle goes off]
Mindy McConnell: Ah, your foot's ringing. I'll get it.
[bends down and pushes button on watch, pulls out small piece of paper under watch strap]
Mindy McConnell: What's this piece of paper?
Mork: Must be a footnote.
Eugene: [Seeing Holly for the first time] She sure is a doll.
Mork: An android maybe, but not a doll.
Eugene: No, that's not what I meant. A cute chick, a fox. Real hot stuff.
Mork: Ohh, a fox.
[makes noise like barking hound]
Holly: [Mork places his hand on Holly's forehead] Why are you doing that?
Mork: Well, Eugene said you were hot stuff, you're actually only 98.4.
Mindy McConnell: Mork, why are you building a tower of Cheerios?
Mork: Because it's hard to stack oatmeal.
Mork: [excited] Wait a minute, I've got to show you something. I've already picked out my bumper sticker.
[runs into bedroom and returns with a whole car bumper]
Todd Norman Taylor aka TNT: [reading the sticker] "Aliens make better lovers".
Mork: And look at this one here. "Horn if you're a honky".
Mork: [Eugene has just said that he needs to tell him something important] Well, come on, I'm waiting here with a worm on my tongue.
Mork: Baited breath.
Mindy McConnell: [Mork and Mindy are trapped in a giant birdcage facing certain death] Mork, I have something to confess to you. When you were out one day, I... I... I put on your spacesuit.
Mork: [shocked] The helmet, too?
Mindy McConnell: Boots and all!
Mork: [after Mork has had a chance to absorb this revelation] Well, Mindy, I have something to confess to you.
[Mindy grows more and more shocked as she connects the dots]
Mindy McConnell: [Mork has proposed, and after chatting with Fred and Cora, she decides to not marry Mork] I guess what I'm really trying to say is... I can't marry you
Mork: Mind', That's a joke right, like the volunteer army? Ha ha ha... R R R!... R R Rrrr.
Exidor: [Exidor is trying to get Mork's memory back] All right, Mork, put your hands in front of your face, and repeat after me. "Oh, no, please don't."
Mork: Oh, no, please don't... oh...
Exidor: [Exidor takes a poster off Mindy's wall and smashes it over Mork's head] Too late.
Cora Hudson: That man is an absolute raving lunatic.
Exidor: Madam, you flatter me.
Mearth: [seeing that the apartment has been filled with expensive toys] Mammy, the tooth fairy *has* been keeping up with inflation.
Mindy McConnell: [sarcastic] Gee, I wonder who could be behind all this.
Mork: [Mork jumps out of a huge box in the middle of the room] Surprise!
Mindy McConnell: No, not really.
Mork: [referring to the Exidor Boutique, in which Mork invested all of their savings] Come on, Mind, Exidor *knows* what he's doing.
Exidor: [storming out of the dressing room, talking to his imaginary friend] What do you mean the mannequins want a coffee break? They just had one ten minutes ago and all they did was dribble.
Exidor: [to Mork] Partner. Glad to see you brought the little woman.
Mindy McConnell: We want our money back now, and don't call me the little woman.
Mork: What she's trying to say is, Exidor, we've had a change of heart, you know like when Annie Richards wanted to change dressing rooms.
Exidor: I've only been open two hours. Even Evita didn't pay off its backers that fast.
Mindy McConnell: We want our money back.
Exidor: Look, business is a little slow but we're gonna have our two-for-one sale. Buy two, get one. Who could resist that?
Mindy McConnell: That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
Exidor: Listen, Perky, are you insinuating I'm some kind of crack-pot? Well, that's what they said about David Rockefeller.
Mindy McConnell: Nobody ever said that about David Rockefeller.
Exidor: *I* did...
[suddenly looks the other way]
Exidor: Pepe, pepe. You call yourself a tailor? Just lengthen the sleeve don't clip his nails
[Exidor storms off with "Pepe"]
[Season 4 ABC promo]
Orson: Oh, Mork.
Mork: Oh sir, yes!
Orson: I was looking at this report. It says this fall you're going to marry Mindy.
Mork: I am?
Orson: And it says you're gonna honeymoon on Ork.
Mork: Oh, you're crazy! Get outta here!
Orson: And *you* are gonna get pregnant.
Mork: Pregnant? Me? I mean, why me? I mean, this kinda stuff doesn't happen to Barney Miller!