Smokey and the Bandit (1977)
Quotes
Buford T. Justice: [to his son] There's no way, *no* way, that you came from *my* loins. Soon as I get home, first thing I'm gonna do is punch yo' momma in da mouth!
Sheriff Branford: The fact that you are a sheriff is not germane to the situation.
Buford T. Justice: The goddamn Germans got nothin' to do with it.
Junior: What did he say?
Buford T. Justice: SHUT UP! ONE SHIT AT A TIME!
Junior: All right.
Buford T. Justice: Give me a Diablo sandwich, a Dr. Pepper, and make it quick, I'm in a goddamn hurry.
Buford T. Justice: [driving through wind] Hold my hat for me!
[Junior obliges, but loses his own hat]
Junior: My hat blew off, Daddy.
Buford T. Justice: I hope your goddamn head was in it!
Buford T. Justice: [shouting at a trucker that has sheared a door off his patrol car] I saw that, you sumbitch! You did that on purpose! You're going away till you're gray! I got the evidence!
Buford T. Justice: [speaks to Junior] Put the evidence in the car.
Junior: But, Daddy...
Buford T. Justice: Put the *evidence* in the *car*!
[shouting to trucker again]
Buford T. Justice: I'm gonna barbecue yo' ass in molasses!
Bandit: For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.
Buford T. Justice: This happens every time one of these floozies starts poontangin' around with those show folk fags.
Bandit: Oh, I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.
Junior: [waiting for the "funeral procession] Damn, he had a lot of friends, didn't he?
Buford T. Justice: If they'd a cremated the sum-bitch. I could be kickin' that Mr. Bandit's ass around the moon by now.
Cledus Snow: I don't think my dog bit you, mister. 'Cause Fred definately DON'T like grease!
Bandit: New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.
[watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]
Bandit: Speedy car.
[watches as Little Enos counts out more money]
Bandit: Speedier than that.
Little Enos: [mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.
[Communicating through the C.B. radio]
Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.
Buford T. Justice: Who there?
Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'.
Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sumbitch?
Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon-dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.
Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SUMBITCH?
Bandit: Well, I'm right down at the bottom of the hill, Sheriff. I'm about 6-foot-8, in a cowboy outfit, got a little pygmy standing right beside me dressed just like me. You can't miss me. 10-4.
[Buford looks down the hill]
Bandit: You know what? Scratch that. I can't lie to you, Sheriff. You're too good a man. Look over your left shoulder.
[Buford turns, and sees the Bandit]
Bandit: We're on our way to Boston to pick up some clam chowder. Bye-bye!
Carrie: No hard feelings, Junior!
[the Bandit drives off, but Buford follows on his wreck of a car]
Buford T. Justice: I'm not givin' up! I'm not givin' up! I'm never gonna give up! I'm never gonna give up! I'll get you, you sumbitch!
Junior: [running after the car] Daddy, wait for me! Don't leave me! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Bandit: [walks up the steps to Cledus' house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful.
[she stares at him with a stern look on her face]
Bandit: How about 'Gorgeous?'
Waynette Snow: You can't have him.
Bandit: Well, obviously, *you* can.
[indicates the gaggle of kids]
Bandit: What are you tryin' to do, start another race?
[pushes past her and into the house]
Waynette Snow: Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone!
One of the Snow kids: [climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit!
Waynette Snow: He ain't your damned uncle!
[steps on the dog, who whimpers]
Waynette Snow: One of you damned kids get this dog out of here!
[Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cledus is sleeping]
Waynette Snow: Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!*
Bandit: [stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.
Buford T. Justice: Breaker, breaker for the Bandit.
Bandit: Come on back, breaker.
Buford T. Justice: Bandit, I got a smokey report for you. Come on!
Bandit: Well, talk to me, good buddy.
Buford T. Justice: You got trouble comin'...
Bandit: Well what's your handle, son, and what's your 20?
Buford T. Justice: My handle's Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin yo' ass right now!
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Bandit? This is Mr B., and I'm gearjammin' this rollin' refinery, you got another smokey on the rubber?
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: Come ahead, Bandit. We'll slip you into the rockin' chair, play a little hide-and-seek.
Mr. B, Tanker Truck Driver: The welcome mat is out, and you're comin' home.
Buford T. Justice: Hey, boy, where's Sheriff Branford?
Sheriff Branford: I AM Sheriff Branford.
Buford T. Justice: Oooh, hee-hee. For some reason or another, you sounded a little taller on radio, hee-hee.
Buford T. Justice: [to Junior] What the hell is the world coming to?
Cledus Snow: [over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a
[pause]
Cledus Snow: *wedding dress*?
Bandit: [Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was.
Cledus Snow: What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind!
[laughs earthily]
Cledus Snow: 10-4.
Cledus Snow: [to Fred, his hound] He about as crazy as you are ugly!
Buford T. Justice: What we're dealing with here is a complete lack of respect for the law.
Cledus Snow: You can't drive a forklift.
Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.
Buford T. Justice: [shouting out of a restaurant to Junior waiting in the car] You want something?
Junior: Hushpuppies, Daddy!
Buford T. Justice: We got no time for that crap!
[mutters under his breath]
Buford T. Justice: Dumb sumbitch...
Cledus Snow: [whistles]
[hears a police motorcycle siren]
Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this!
Cledus Snow: [siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!
Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!
Bandit: Cledus, get the money.
Cledus Snow: Yeah, how 'bout the money?
Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'?
Cledus Snow: How 'bout forgettin' it?
Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?
Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.
Carrie: You're on.
Bandit: Uh, you're on.
Big Enos: In 18 hours?
Bandit: You're still on.
Cledus Snow: WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!
Cledus Snow: Hey, Bandit. Me an' Fred's got a question.
Bandit: What you an' Fred want?
Cledus Snow: How come we doin' this?
Bandit: Well, why not?
Cledus Snow: Well, they said it couldn't be done.
Bandit: Well thats the reason, son!
Cledus Snow: [shrugs] That's good with Fred. We're clear.
Bandit: [laughing] 10-4!
Bandit: [Bandit and Frog walking through the wooded area] When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are.
Carrie: Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.
Bandit: And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.
Branford's Deputy: You know something, Sheriff?
Sheriff Branford: What?
Branford's Deputy: If J.W. don't get outta my way, I'm gonna pass him.
Sheriff Branford: Where in the woods? Listen, I don't care if your dad is the mayor, you wreck this car; it's comin out of your pay.
Branford's Deputy: Yeah, but Sheriff, he's getting away.
Sheriff Branford: Son, he's not going anywhere. The Mulberry Bridge has been dismantled for the past 6 months.
Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, 8 1/2 days. God, I really thought that was it.
Bandit: And?
Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!
Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.
Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in 28 hours? That ain't never been done before, not in no rig.
Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it in no rig. You got to stop thinkin so negative son, we ain't not never made it yet, have we?
Cledus Snow: Well, no...
Bandit: Well, all right.
[hops up into trailer]
Cledus Snow: Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made.
Bandit: [Hands Cledus notepad and pen] I got that all figured out. Just tell'em to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.
[Gets in car and drives off]
Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; Burdette; B, Ber, B-u-r...
[sees Bandit take off]
Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go!
[leaves without finishing note]
[Regarding The Bandit in a hammock]
Big Enos: You see, son, old legends never die. They just lose weight.
Little Enos: I guess a legend and an out-of-work bum look a lot alike, Daddy.
Buford T. Justice: And don't go home, and don't go to eat, and don't play with yourself. It wouldn't look nice on my highway.
[begins to turn away, then returns]
Buford T. Justice: Oh, you can THINK about it... but don't do it!
Buford T. Justice: Nobody, and I mean NOBODY makes Sheriff Buford T. Justice look like a possum's pecker.
Junior: Except for that...
Buford T. Justice: Shut your ass.
Little Enos: I think you're just a little bit scared.
Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?
Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...
Cledus Snow: [Buford's car runs in front of Cledus' truck]
[to Bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow: Hoss, you ain't gonna believe this, but that crazy sumbitch just tried to drive right up under my truck!
Bandit: Sheriff... do the letters F.O. mean anything to you?
Buford T. Justice: [putting C.B down] Sma't Aleck!
Buford T. Justice: Apprehend that horse ass for reckless driving!
Junior: But, Daddy...
Buford T. Justice: Do what I tell you, you pile of monkey nuts!
Big Enos: Any fool who would paint his truck like this would show up at a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
Singer: Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin' / We're gonna do what they say can't be done / We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there / I'm eastbound, just watch ol' Bandit run! / Keep your foot hard on the pedal, son, never mind them brakes / Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make! / The boys are thirsty in Atlanta, And there's beer in Texarkana / and we'll bring it back no matter what it takes! / Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin' / We're gonna do what they say can't be done / We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there / I'm eastbound, just watch ol' Bandit run!
Singer: Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin' / We're gonna do what they say can't be done / We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there / I'm eastbound, just watch ol' Bandit run! / Ol' Smokey's got them ears on, he's hot on your trail / and he ain't gonna rest 'til you're in jail! / So you got to dodge him, you got to duck him, you got to keep that diesel truckin' / Just put that hammer down and give it hell! / Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin' / We're gonna do what they say can't be done / We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there / I'm eastbound, just watch ol' Bandit run!
Buford T. Justice: Duck, or you're gonna be talkin' out yo' ass!
Buford T. Justice: What the hell is the world coming to?
[last lines]
Junior: [running after Sheriff Justice's car] Daddy! Wait! Who's gonna hold your hat?
Cledus Snow: Whoa!
[to Bandit over the CB]
Cledus Snow: I just passed another Kojak with a Kodak, this place is crawling with bears, where the hell are you?
Bandit: Snowman, you got your ears on?
Cledus Snow: You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?
Bandit: What do you think they do for excitement in this town?
Cledus Snow: Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.
Bandit: You chasin' somebody, Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you?
Buford T. Justice: Nobody's chasin' me, boy!
Bandit: [Speaking to Big Enos] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you want that beer so bad?
Little Enos: Because he's thirsty, dummy!
Big Enos: 20-to-one I break the son of a bitch this time.
Little Enos: Gimme 500 on the Bandit.
Little Beaver, Lady Truck Driver: Hey Bandit! This is Little Beaver... Put your foot on the floor, we got your backdoor and I'm clear!
Bandit: What's a Texas county mountie doing in Arkansas?
Cledus Snow: I don't know.
Carrie: I don't know.
[Bandit looks at her]
Carrie: I don't know!
Bandit: [on the CB] Well, who the heck knows?
Cledus Snow: I really don't know.
Buford T. Justice: [while stuck in traffic] What the hell is this, a drive-in movie?
[Sheriff Justice honks the horn, which malfunctions, and Junior reaches for the wheel]
Buford T. Justice: Get off of there, you Moose twit!
Policeman: Did you see that? They went right through our roadblock.
Buford T. Justice: You sumbitches couldn't close an umbrella!
Cledus Snow: Hold on to your ass, Fred!
Cledus Snow: [as Bandit passes his rig on the berm and takes out multiple mailboxes] He done good, didn't he, Fred?
[the Bandit has a fleet of police cars and helicopters after him]
Bandit: [on CB radio] Cledus?
Cledus Snow: Talk to me, m'boy!
Bandit: Goddamn it, son, we gave it our best shot. I don't like it any more than you do, but... we ain't gonna make it, son. We're gonna hang it up.
Cledus Snow: WHOA! Negatory, negatory, what're you, crazy or something? We come this far, ain't we? LOOK, WHEN WE SAY WE GONNA DO A JOB, WE GONNA DO A JOB!
Bandit: It's me they after! They don't even know Cledus Snow exists!
Cledus Snow: Oh, they don't? Well, I tell you what we gonna do! We just gonna introduce 'em to the boy. So move over a bit, good buddy, 'cause the Snowman is coming through!
[to his dog]
Cledus Snow: Hold on to your ass, Fred!
Bandit: Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.
Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.
Bandit: Watch your language, little lady.
[after kicking one of the car thieves in the rear]
Buford T. Justice: That's an attention-getter.
Junior: Daddy, the top came off!
Buford T. Justice: No shit!
Carrie: I think I'm in love with your belt buckle.
Bandit: You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?
Buford T. Justice: You bet your ass on that, boy.
Buford T. Justice: One shit at a time!
Little Enos: [Looking at Bandit's truck] Egotistical son of a bitch.
Big Enos: Any cat who would paint his truck like this would go to a minister's funeral dressed in feathers.
Hot Pants: [over CB] I'm hot to trot. Just tell me how I can help, and I'm with you, body and soul. Channel clear.
Bandit: [over CB] Breaker 1-9. Breaker 1-9. Is that Hot Pants Hilliard I hear yakking out there?
Hot Pants: [over CB] And who wants to know?
Bandit: [over CB] This is the Bandit, darlin'.
Hot Pants: [over CB] Well, where are you, you bodied-up, smooth-talkin' thing? And how can I help? Bring it back.
Bandit: [over CB] You still working at that choke-and-puke on West 85?
Hot Pants: [over CB] Affirmative. Affirmative. I'm still dishin' it out.
Bandit: [over CB] Listen, darlin', we're gonna come screaming by there in about 5 minutes with a horde of Smokeys on our ass. How about getting those pals of yours out there to block them off?
Hot Pants: [over CB, enthusiastically] Whew! Love to, love to! But, hey, you're gonna owe me one.
Bandit: [over CB] I'll owe you a BIG one.
Hot Pants: [over CB, laughing] Ha, ha, ha. That's a big 10-4.
Bandit: [over CB] 10-4.
Buford T. Justice: She insulted my town! She insulted my son!
[Junior starts to say something]
Buford T. Justice: Shaddup! She insulted my authority! And that's nothin' but pure and simple old-fashioned communism. Happens every time one of those dancers starts poon-tangin' around with those show-folk fags! I can see her now... runnin' back up that aisle. No, she was dancin' back up the aisle. Her knockers bouncin' all over the joint. Her ass was wigglin', too!
[having been thoroughly insulted by a junior officer over the state of his rundown squad car, Buford snaps]
Buford T. Justice: HOLD IT! HOLD IT! DON'T YOU EVER, *EVER* RAISE YOUR VOICE TO ME! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO? I happen to be Buford T. Justice, a distinguished officer of over 40 years' seniority! One of the most highly-respected law-enforcement agents in the United States of America! That vehicle happens to be evidence--*valuable* evidence--that's gonna convict a maniac that I've been trying to apprehend and that I have been in *high-speed* pursuit of for 700 miles! He is wanted for the Mann Act, kidnappin', and the attempted murder of over 20 brother officers.
Buford T. Justice: If you're gonna hang out in places like this, wear a badge on your didey!
Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.
Bandit: Shitty job.
Georgia State Trooper: [during the final chase, the motorcycle cop has landed in a ditch with water] Son, don't you know this ain't Saturday?
Buford T. Justice: Just keep your eye out for that Mr. Bandit bastard!
Buford T. Justice: "Hey, boy, where is Sheriff Bradford?" "I AM Sheriff BRANford." Hee hee. "For some reason, you sound a little taller on radio."
[Turns to his son]
Buford T. Justice: What in the hell is the world coming to?
Buford T. Justice: How-do officer. My name's...
Patrolman - Traffic Jam: I don't care if your name is Broderick Crawford...
