Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel Clerk: No.
Clouseau: [bowing down to pet the dog] Nice doggie.
[Dog barks and bites Clouseau in the hand]
Clouseau: I thought you said your dog did not bite!
Hotel Clerk: That is not my dog.
[after Clouseau accidentally reduces a piano to a pile of splinters]
Mrs. Leverlilly: You've ruined that piano!
Clouseau: What is the price of one piano compared to the terrible crime that's been committed here?
Mrs. Leverlilly: But that's a priceless Steinway!
Clouseau: Not anymore!
[Suddenly the American football game is interrupted just before the end by Charles Dreyfus' transmission]
The President: Call the FBI, the CIA and the Pentagon. Find out who won that game!
Clouseau: Now then, what do we know? One, that Professor Fassbinder and his daughter have been kidnapped. Two, that someone has kidnapped them. Three, that my hand is on fire.
Clouseau: Look, there is no need for you to speak unless I ask you a question. What is your name?
Mr. Shork: I'm Shork, the gardener.
Clouseau: What is it you do?
Mr. Shork: I'm the gardener.
Clouseau: Then why didn't you say that to me in the first place?
Mr. Shork: I did.
Clouseau: Don't try to be funny with me, monsieur!
Clouseau: Tell me do you have a reum?
Hotel Clerk: I do not know what a 'reum' is.
Clouseau: [looks up the word 'room' in his German dictionary] Zimmer.
Hotel Clerk: Ah, a 'room'.
Clouseau: That is what I have been saying, you idiot. Reum. Zimmer.
[Clouseau has dressed himself as a local doctor/dentist in order to gain access to the gothic castle that is Dreyfus' headquarters; he is now examining Dreyfus for a bad tooth, but accidentally puts his thumb in Dreyfus' eye instead]
Dreyfus: OW! My eye!
Clouseau: Your eye? I thought it was your tooth.
Dreyfus: Hmm? It IS my tooth!
Clouseau: I wish you'd make your mind up; I don't normally make castle-calls in the middle of the night yeu kneuw!
Clouseau: There is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Mrs. Japonica: Murder?
Clouseau: What was that you said?
Mrs. Japonica: I said "murder".
Clouseau: What murder?
Mrs. Japonica: I-I-I don't know, y-you said "murder".
Clouseau: I said murder? *You* said murder!
Mrs. Japonica: No, I said murder because *You* said murder.
Clouseau: *I* said murder?
Mr. Shork: You said there is someone in this room who knows more about the murder than he is telling.
Clouseau: [chatting with Scotland Yard about sniffing out Dreyfus, who now has Europe's most infamous hitmen working for him] Of course it won't be easy; nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.
Clouseau: Good evening commissioner. How are you, how is madame and all the little Commissioners?
Clouseau: [after Dreyfus is knocked into the river for a second and third time and Clouseau thinks he is trying to hide that he's upset] I'm afraid today is just not your day, my friend.
Dreyfus: [quickly stands up] Oh, but it is! It is, my "friend" after three, long terrible years it is AT LAST my day! I will not permit, "repeat," not permit anything..."repeat" anything to spoil it. Now, I will walk you to the gate, to the car which should rightfully be mine. And then I will kiss you goodbye!
[kisses Clouseau's cheeks]
Dreyfus: And then I will have my meeting with the sanity commission, and they will set me free! And then...
[gets hit in the head with an arrow and turns to Clouseau]
Dreyfus: I will kill you!
[starts choking him]
Clouseau: [running away] Francois! Start the car!
Dreyfus: [chasing close behind] KILL YOU! KILL YOU!
Clouseau: You have received a beump on the head.
Dreyfus: You said beump.
Clouseau: Yes, I know that. It is a large beump. You could receive the concussion from such a beump.
Clouseau: I was known as the Pavlova of the parallels. Oh, yes.
[starts swinging on the parallel bars]
Clouseau: Yes, it's all coming back now.
Clouseau: Ah yes, I remember it...
[loses grip and falls down the stairs]
Clouseau: Aagh! Well, that felt good.
Clouseau: [on the phone] Hello?... Yes. There is a beautiful woman in my bed, and a dead man in my bath.
Dreyfus: Every day and in every way, I am getting better, and better.
Dreyfus: Now this is my plan. Step number one: I will recruit the world's greatest criminal mind. Step number two: I will build an organization so sinister, so powerful, that by comparison La Cosa Nostra will seem like the Vienna Boys' Choir!
Clouseau: A beekeeper who has lost his voice, a cook who thinks he's a gardener, and a witness to a murder.
[Refering to the aftermath of the Doomsday device]
Dreyfus: What do you suppose they will call the crater, huh? The Dreyfus Ditch?
Dr. Fassbender: There shall be no crater.
Dreyfus: No crater? But I want a crater! I want wreckage, twisted metal. Something the world will not forget!
Dr. Fassbender: They won't forget today.
Dreyfus: They won't? Wonderful. I have to tinkle again. Don't do anything till I get back.
Clouseau: [after knocking Cato unconscious, goes to answer the phone] Relax. I'll get it.
Bar Patron: Something wrong, Ainsley?
Ainsley Jarvis: No of course not, Bruno. The Inspector here was just warning me that I had to watch my step. You see, back in France, he's known as King of the Tango.
Clouseau: [shocked] Tango?
Ainsley Jarvis: Oh, I'd love to.
Clouseau: What did you say your name was?
Mr. Shork: Shork.
Clouseau: The cook!
Mr. Shork: Gardener.
Clouseau: Ah, now we're getting somewhere!
[points to the beekeeper]
Clouseau: This is a very serious matter, and everyone is this reum is under the suspicions.
Clouseau: What was that?
Cook: You said 'reum'?
Clouseau: Yes, I know that!
Margo Fassbender: What are you going to do?
Dreyfus: Something so very, very painful, so hideous, your father will have no choice but to cooperate.
[puts on a glove, with very sharp claws attached to the finger sockets, and walks to the blackboard]
Margo Fassbender: No!
[Dreyfus nods, and scrapes his clawed glove down the blackbird, making a hideous screeching noise]
Dreyfus: He has pulled the wrong tooth! There's only one man who would pull the wrong tooth. It's Clouseau! Kill him! Kill him!
[Exits a closet after mistaking it for the door out of the room]
Clouseau: Most ingenious. The old closet ploy. I really must congratulate you. If there's one thing I do enjoy, it's a good closet ploy.
Clouseau: Oh, yes. It is obvious to my trained eye, that there is much more going on here than meets the ear. Before you are dismissed, Mr. Stiffsticker, I suggest you count your bees. May find one of them is missing.
[Clouseau is walking through a pitch-black room with a match in his hand; calling out]
Clouseau: Is there anybody hiding there in the dark?
Clouseau: Allow me to assist you.
Dreyfus: No! I'm fine. Never better. Just a little... a little shaky. Probably the shock of... I mean, the surprise of seeing you here again today.
Dreyfus: Compared to Clouseau, this doomsday machine is just a water pistol.
Olga Bariosova: Do you think you could fall in love with an ex-Russian agent?
Marty the Mugger: You have several of the world's greatest criminal minds right here, in this very room.
Bruce the Knife: Yeah, why don't we take care of it ourselves?
Dreyfus: Because you wouldn't stand a chance.
[Crims murmur disbelief]
Dreyfus: You don't know Clouseau.
Tournier (a.k.a. Tony the bank robber): He can't be that good.
Dreyfus: Good? Ha, he's not good, he's terrible; he's the worst. There's not another man like him anywhere in the world. Compared to Clouseau this doomsday machine, it's just a mere water pistol.
The President: We're going to look like a bunch of dipsy-doodles if this turns out to be a hoax!
Kissinger: We would also look very foolish if we didn't take every precaution and it turned out not to be a hoax!
Dreyfus: Now Doctor, there are some who would find your methods rather unorthodox.
Psychiatrist: Just seeing if I am a better Doctor than you are a Detective.
Clouseau: Cato! You imbecile, not now Cato!
Clouseau: Mark my words, François. Sinister forces are at work.
Clouseau: Well now, I expect you're all wondering why I asked you here
[steps on Mrs. Japonica's foot. She screams]
Dreyfus: Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Ignition!
[fires a laser which disintegrates the United Nations building]
Clouseau: [disguised as Dr. Schirtz] Hello... It's Dr. Schirtz from the village, you know.
Clouseau: I have just received word that former Chief Inspector Dreyfus has escaped from the insane asylum. For some reason, the Deputy Commissioner thinks that he might try to kill me. Obviously, the poor man is crazier than anyone gives him the credits for.
Clouseau: Madame, I arrest you for the murder of the man in this bathtub.
Olga Bariosova: What?
Clouseau: And I must warn you that anything you say will be taken down and used in evidence against me. You.
Dr. Fassbender: When can my daughter and I leave?
Dreyfus: When Clouseau is no more, perhaps.
Dr. Fassbender: I have done everything you asked.
Dreyfus: You've done everything I asked so far, but I have not asked everything.
Dr. Fassbender: What you mean is that you have no intention of letting us go. You plan to continue your reign of terror whether Clouseau is eliminated or not.
Dreyfus: I must admit the thought had occurred to me.
Dreyfus: Now we'll see who has the last laugh. They've all betrayed me, and now they will have to pay. What shall I destroy? Buckingham Palace? Too small. How about London? Not big enough. England! Yes, England.
Quinlan: You'll need help.
Clouseau: I prefer to do this alone.
Quinlan: Yes, but if Dreyfus is what we suspect, he probably has an army behind him.
Clouseau: No, of course it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. That is why I have always failed where others have succeeded.