The Muppet Show (TV Series 1976–1981) Poster


Jim Henson: Kermit the Frog, Waldorf, Rowlf, Link Hogthrob, The Swedish Chef, Muppet Newsman, Dr. Teeth, The Newsman, Swedish Chef, Gloat...



  • Waldorf : These seats are awful.

    Statler : Why? Can't you see anything?

    Waldorf : That's the problem. I can see everything.

  • Waldorf : How do they do it?

    Statler : How do we watch it?

    Waldorf : *Why* do we watch it?

    Statler : [Breaking the fourth wall]  Why do *you* watch it?

  • Waldorf : Just when you think this show is terrible something wonderful happens.

    Statler : What?

    Waldorf : It ends.

  • Statler : This show is awful.

    Waldorf : Terrible.

    Statler : Disgusting.

    Waldorf : See you next week?

    Statler : Of course.

  • Waldorf : Well, you gotta give them credit.

    Statler : Why's that?

    Waldorf : Well, they're gonna keep on doing it till they get it right.

  • Statler : Now why did you do that to poor Fozzie?

    Waldorf : Do what? I really was on the Titanic.

    Statler : I know. You still have the dress you wore so they'd let you in the life boat. Heh heh heh.

    Waldorf : D'oh!

  • Miss Piggy : Methinks thou doth protest too much.

    Kermit : What?

    Miss Piggy : Shakespeare.

    Kermit : Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.

    Miss Piggy : How would you like a pork chop? Hi-yah!

    [karate chops Kermit] 

    Miss Piggy : You always hurt the one you love.

  • Kermit : Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Muppet Show!

  • Statler : I like that last number.

    Waldorf : What did you like about it?

    Statler : It was the *last* number!

  • Statler : What have you got for an opening act this time? A Chinese gorilla dancing ballet?

    Kermit : Cancel the opening number.

    Chinese Gorilla : Dong day do dai dai do...

  • Statler : Ever heard of pig on bikes?

    Waldorf : I've never heard of road hogs.

  • Miss Piggy : But I love him.

    Rowlf : How could you love him? You're a nurse.

    Miss Piggy : That may be true, but I am a woman first.

    Rowlf : No, you're not. You're a pig first. Nurse second. I don't think woman made the top 10.

  • Kermit : Animal, you like the theme song, don't you?

    Animal : [nods head emphatically]  Yeah, yeah!

    Floyd : No, no!

    Animal : [shakes head emphatically]  No, no.

  • Waldorf : Tell me, Statler. Do you have any naval experience?

    Statler : Well, I once saved a rat from drowning.

    Waldorf : Really, how?

    Statler : I gave him mouth to mouse resuscitation!

  • Kermit : And now a man who needs no introduction, so what am I doing out here?

  • Miss Piggy : [as Nurse Piggy]  It's too late, Doctor Bob. We've lost him.

    Rowlf : [as Doctor Bob]  Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.

  • Statler : I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't watched it.

    Waldorf : Believe what?

    Statler : I don't know - I wasn't watching.

  • Waldorf : I can't believe those rats were responsible for this show.

    Statler : Those rats were also responsible for the bubonic plague. Dohohohoh!

  • Rita Moreno : Kermit I was wondering if we could just forget the cue cards and just ad lib it.

    Kermit the Frog : Ad lib it? Yes I don't mind doing that but there are others who may take offense.

    Rita Moreno : Like who?

    Kermit the Frog : Like the guy who holds the cue cards.

    Sweetums : Nice lady not want Sweetums to hold cue cards?

    Rita Moreno : Uh no.

    Sweetums : Nice lady want Sweetums to hold something else?

    Rita Moreno : Sure you can hold anything you want.

    Sweetums : Great! That best offer Sweetums have all week.

    [Sweetums picks up Rita like a football and walks off with her while Kermit shrieks] 

    Kermit the Frog : That's the problem with guests on this show. They seem to get carried away.

  • Waldorf : Pay up! They made it through another one

    Statler : Double or nothing next week's show?

    Waldorf : You're on!

  • Fozzie : Kermit. Kermit. This time I have really got it. I have re-mastered the art of handling hecklers.

    Kermit : Oh, you think so, huh?

    Fozzie : Oh, I know so. I know so.

    Kermit : OK, I tell you what - you tell a joke and I will heckle you.

    Fozzie : Great.

    Kermit : But, Fozzie - I expect a great comeback.

    Fozzie : Right.

    [clears throat] 

    Fozzie : Ahh, my cousin's so dumb he thinks Eggs Benedict's a mafia gangster.

    Kermit : I've seen cheeseburgers funnier then that.

    [Fozzie pounds Kermit with a rubber chicken] 

    Fozzie : What do you think, huh? Too subtle?

  • Muppet Newsman : Here is a Muppet News Flash.

    [runs to the desk] 

    Muppet Newsman : There is no news tonight.

  • Kermit : [the phone rings]  Fozzie, will you get that?

    Fozzie : [Runs up and answers it]  Hello. Muppet Show backstage.

    [Water squirts out of the mike on the phone] 

    Kermit : Who was that?

    Fozzie : The water department.

    [Hangs up and walks away] 

    Kermit : [Towards the camera]  What the hey?

  • Fozzie : [the phone rings]  I'll get it!

    [Picks up] 

    Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

    [Thick white smoke comes out of the phone] 

    Kermit : Fozzie, who was that?

    Fozzie : [Coughing]  The fire department.

    Kermit : [Towards the camera]  I think this is what's called a running gag.

    [At that the Muppet Newsman runs by towards the stage] 

    Fozzie : [Pointing at him]  No, THAT'S what's called a running gag.

  • Fozzie : [Phone rings]  I'll get it!

    [Picks up] 

    Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

    [Coins start pouring out of the mike on the phone, and Fozzie takes off his hat quickly to catch them] 

    Kermit : Fozzie, who was it this time?

    Fozzie : Las Vegas.

    [Kermit walks off disgusted] 

  • Fozzie : [Phone rings]  I got it!


    Fozzie : Muppet Show backstage.

    [an explosion with bright light comes through the phone's mike] 

    Kermit : [a little shaken]  Uh Fozzie, who was it this time?

    Fozzie : The Atomic Energy Commission.

  • Waldorf : Well, this show certainly doesn't lay any eggs.

    Chickens : Bwak bawk bawk!

    Statler : Wanna bet?

  • Waldorf : [looking down from the balcony]  He shouldn't have jumped. The show wasn't that bad.

  • Waldorf : [after the song "Happy Feet"]  You know, on the show that wasn't funny.

    Statler : True, true.

    Waldorf : But on a record, it doesn't even make sense!

  • Waldorf : [after the ending theme plays]  Uh, Statler?

    Statler : Yeah, what?

    Waldorf : Is that it?

    Statler : Yes, it's over. How'd you like it?

    Waldorf : Uh, I don't know. I slept through the whole thing.

    Statler : Well, you didn't miss much!

  • Statler : Well the show tonight certainly didn't lay an egg.

    Chickens : Bawk!

    Waldorf : Wanna bet?

  • Waldorf : You are my sunshine! My only sunshine.

    Statler : Why you old fool!

    Waldorf : What?

    Statler : I'm not your son and my name's not Shine.

    Waldorf : And he calls me an old fool?

  • Fozzie : I don't got rhythm.

    Rowlf : That's for sure.

    Fozzie : I don't got rhythm.

    Rowlf : Who can ask for anything more?

    Statler : We could!

    Waldorf : Yeah! Earplugs!

  • Robot Kermit : Hey, listen you, how about you and me getting together and makin' some ste-e-e-am heat. Huh, snuggle bunny?

    Miss Piggy : Snuggle bunny? Why, uh...

    Robot Kermit : Yeah. Look, let me take you away from all this. Aaah, a marriage made in heaven. A frog and a pig. We can have bouncing baby figs.

  • Beauregard : Kermit! Kermit! I had a dream and it was so real! I... what does it mean when you dream people are walking on your head?

    Kermit : It means you're sleeping on the floor!

  • Statler : You know I never liked this show's theme music.

    Waldorf : Niether did I.

    Kermit : You promised!

  • Waldorf : Yeah, the show is good for what ails me.

    Statler : Yeah? What does ail you?

    Waldorf : Insomnia.

  • Kermit : Me, not crazy? I hired the others!

  • [the Swedish Chef is cooking, Miss Piggy appears] 

    Miss Piggy : I'm looing fo Foofoo! Foofoo my dog, you idiot!

    Swedish Chef : [cooking hot dogs, misunderstands]  The dog is in the pot!

    Miss Piggy : WHAT? You cook Foo-foo?

    [tries to karate chop the Chef, but he blocks her] 

  • Swedish Chef : Bork Bork Bork!

See also

Release Dates | Official Sites | Company Credits | Filming & Production | Technical Specs

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