Death Race 2000 (1975)
Harold: As the cars roar into Pennsylvania, the cradle of liberty, it seems apparent that our citizens are staying off the streets, which may make scoring particularly difficult, even with this year's rule changes. To recap those revisions: women are still worth 10 points more than men in all age brackets, but teenagers now rack up 40 points, and toddlers under 12 now rate a big 70 points. The big score: anyone, any sex, over 75 years old has been upped to 100 points.
Cleopatra: It isn't my fault everyone scored before us. You should have gone after that boy scout camp like I told you!
Nero the Hero: I tried the goddamn boy scout camp. You know how fast those boy scouts move?
Cleopatra: Now here's something more your speed.
Nero the Hero: That'll be at least 200 points!
Cleopatra: If they scatter, go for the baby and the mother.
Junior: All right, all right, and yes-sirree! A clean hit! A perfect hit! And no pain for the target. Too bad the guy was only thirty-eight; just two years older, he'd have been worth three times the points.
Joe: You know Myra, some people might think you're cute. But me, I think you're one very large baked potato.
Junior: Frankenstein! Frankenstein the legend, Frankenstein the indestructible! Sole survivor of the titanic pile-up of '95, only two-time winner of the Transcontinental Road Race... Frankenstein! Ripped up, wiped out, battered, shattered, creamed, and reamed... a dancer on the brink of death... Frankenstein, who lost a leg in '98, an arm in '99! With half a face and half a chest, and all the guts in the world, he's back!
Junior: Frankenstein scores! Frankenstein scores at last! But what kind of a score, boys and girls? Just 80 points out a possible big 700. What do you think, Gracie?
Grace Pander: Well, those doctors - dear friends of mine - have been pretty smug all these years setting up the old folks. Frankenstein must have decided it was their turn.
Harold: Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one-hundred-percent, red-blooded American sense of humor, heh heh.
Ray "Nero the Hero" Ladagon: You're blocking me Cleopatra! My fans want to see me.
Cleopatra: Why, they've never seen a has-been before?
Calamity Jane: Hi ya Herman. I hope your buzz-bomb has a little more juice in its nuclear war head this year.
[Herman glances down at his crotch, embarrased]
[Matilda runs her car over Calamity Jane's navigator, Pete]
Matilda the Hun: [cheers] Blitzkreg! Ha-ha!
Calamity Jane: [screaming] YOU LOUSY BITCH! I'll kill you for that! Nobody scores my navigator and gets away with it.
[Mr. President is about to give a speech to the crowds of people at the raceway and the viewers watching the event from the Summer Palace]
Mr. President: My children, whom I love so dearly, it has been my duty in the long and difficult years since the World Crash of '79 to serve you as best I could. Never before in history have masses forgone all comfort, so that the spirit of genius might thrive and seek the golden key to a new time of plenty in the fertile field of minority privilege. And now, my children, the drivers are ready. The world is waiting. Once more, I give you what you want.
Frankenstein: [Frankenstein has just narrowly avoided Annie's attempt to run them off a cliff] What the hell do you think you're doing?
Annie Paine: It doesn't matter what happens to me now.
Frankenstein: Now that is about the dumbest, sorriest thing I've ever heard you say. I don't believe you have a drop of Thomasina Paine's blood in your whole body. I mean, when things get tough you close your eyes and try to drive us off a cliff! If you'd just stop trying to kill me for a minute, I need your help.
Annie Paine: How can you possibly expect me to help you!
Frankenstein: You're my navigator.
Annie Paine: You're the only one who knows where you're going! I mean who's side are you on anyway? I thought the only thing that mattered to you was winning the race.
Frankenstein: Sure. Only the winner of the race gets to shake hands with Mr. President.
[pulls off his glove]
Annie Paine: Is that a grenade?
Frankenstein: A "hand grenade". That handshake is all I've lived for for as long as I can remember.
[replaces glove and clenches his fist]
Annie Paine: Now, wait a minute! I don't want you to die.
Frankenstein: It's my life's work.
Special agent: You know, Mr. VeTurbo, as a representative of Mr. President's government, I happen to hold the power of life and death.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Yeah? Well I happen to hold the clam sauce.
[Slings a handful of clam sauce into the Special Agent's face]
Harold: Is it true that with your new mechanical arm you can shift gears in less than a twentieth of a second? Would you care to comment on that?
Harold: How do you feel about going into the race with a navigator you've never met?
Grace Pander: You'll love Annie. She's a red-hot sexpot.
Frankenstein: She'd better be a red-hot navigator.
[Annie has just taken off his mask; he is supposed to be hideous to look at]
Frankenstein: What'd you expect, another pretty face?
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Hey cornball, what's the fastest way through here?
Fisherman: Well, the way we do it is we get a bulldozer and plow right through there.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: No, I mean what's the fastest way from here to Albuquerque?
Fisherman: You gotta go back to the main highway, really.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: That was more than 45 minutes!
Fisherman: I've seen you before. I'm one of your greatest fans, you know that? I've followed all the races. I have pictures of you all over the outhouse. I even named my favorite dog after you, Mr. Frankenstein, I did.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: You lousy stinking dirtball... you've got two seconds to live!
Frankenstein: What were you doing down there, getting more secret instructions from the lunatic fringe?
Annie Paine: [starts undressing] Why don't you just turn me in and get it over with?
Frankenstein: Your cover's blown, you're no threat to me now.
Annie Paine: I have a job to do.
Frankenstein: Your job is a waste of time. The world doesn't want to be saved. I'm giving you a chance to save one small part of it: yourself.
Annie Paine: Who *are* you, anyway?
Frankenstein: Nobody. I was brought up in a government training center to be just who I am: Frankenstein, this year. They use one up, they bring in another. But I will be the last of the line.
Annie Paine: Oh, who's kidding who?
Frankenstein: I never kid.
[they start making out]
Matilda the Hun: Well, what does she expect? You leave your navigator lying around, naturally somebody is going to run over him.
[after Frankenstein runs over a doctor during "Euthanasia Day"]
Harold: Which only goes to show that even the fearsome Frankenstein has a one hundred percent red-blooded American sense of humor.
[Calamity Jane is chasing Matilda for the death of Pete, Jane's navigator]
Herman the German: Uh-oh. Here she comes, and boy, is she pissed.
Matilda the Hun: Well, what does she expect? You leave your navigator lying around, naturally somebody's gonna run over him.
Matilda the Hun: Whoever named your car the Bull... was only half right!
Junior: Here he comes: Machine Gun Joe! Loved by thousands, hated by millions!
Mr. President: I have made the United Provinces of America the greatest power in the known universe.
Grace Pander: She was a great, dear friend of mine and I shall remember her forever howling down that freeway in the sky, knocking over... the angels.
Junior: Well America, there you have it, Frankenstein has just been attacked by the French Air Force and he's whipped their derrieres!
Junior: Joe doesn't look too happy, but you just can't keep those Frankenstein fans down.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Lousy sons of bitches! Frankenstein...
Myra: Give it to 'em, Joe!
[She hands Joe a Thompson submachine gun]
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Frankenstein! You want Frankenstein? I'll give you Frankenstein!
[Joe opens fire into the stands]
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Aarrgh!
Frankenstein: You want to make love to me because I drive the Monster and wear this costume.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: I got two words to say to that... BULL- SHIT!
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: You know, it used to be in the old days we would just take someone like you in a alley and blow their brains out.
Annie Paine: Come on Joe, all's fair in love and war.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: I'm glad you said that Annie, because what we got going here ain't exactly love.
[Begins to strangle her]
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: [strangling Annie] How does it feel to know you're gonna spend the rest of your life in pain? The rest of your life is about a minute and a half.
Machine Gun Joe VeTurbo: Who built this stinking road? If I ever get my hands on him, I'll rip his heart out!
Lt. Fury: [looks through binoculars] Chicken gang. Chicken in a basket!
Calamity Jane: Chicken in a casket!
[Opening; The United Provinces version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is played at the fictional New York Memorial Raceway]
Deacon: O, great American multitude and sports fans everywhere, today we inaugurate the 20th Annual Trans-Continental Road Race. Today, the five bravest young men and women in this greatest of nations will risk their lives in the greatest sporting event since the day the Sparticus! Three days hence, a new American champion will be crowned for all the world to behold, in awe, in respect, in fear!
Junior: All right, all right! This is Junior Bruce, your buddy-buddy and mine. And I'll be giving you the blow-by-blow, play-by-play when the kings and queens of the open road roar onto the track!
Junior: Do I hear the sounds of engines? It's Calamity Jane Kelly, queen of the road, at the wheel of that mean, ornery stud bull!
[Fans of Calamity Jane cheering]
Junior: Zany Janey, winner of this year's trials at Watkins Glen, placed second in 1998 and led in last year's second lap until she went out with gear trouble.
[Jane and her navigator Pete waves to the fans whilst Junior Bruce walks toward them]
Junior: Her fans and lovers everywhere wish Janey better luck this year.
Calamity Jane: My fans can wish me all the luck they want. My luck with my lovers get any better, I'll miss the race completely. Isn't that right, Pete?
[At the race's first pit stop, Machine Gun Joe, Calamity Jane & Matilda the Hun and their navigators are getting a rubdown treatment]
Special agent: [Addresses the racers and navigators] One thing before we begin: The government would like it if no one said anything about Nero, understand? He hit a tree and that's it. Got it? We don't wanna depress anybody...
Joe: [cuts in] Hey, hey! Everybody knows he's been blown up by the Resistance, you shmuck. It was on television.
Special agent: If you wanna drive again next year, Mr. Viterbo, you'll keep those opinions to yourself.
Herman the German: She's gaining on us, mama, and she's got murder on her mind.
Matilda the Hun: Machen Sie schnell meine kleine Buzz Bomb
[Make fast my little Buzz Bomb]
Annie Paine: [pulls off Frankenstein's glove, revealing a grenade built into his hand] A grenade?
Frankenstein: A hand grenade!