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The Ruling Class (1972) Poster

Quotes

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Whroom! I'm always thinking so fast. Whroom! Space and time exist only within the walls of my brain. Whroom! What I'm trying to say - is if the words sound queer or funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled up and jivey, sing mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. Ivy, ivy? Who's Ivy? I've - I, I - For I'm the Lord Jesus come again in my own body - to heal the sick, the troubled and the ignorant. I am he that liveth, and behold, I am alive for everyone.

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Lady Claire Gurney: How do you know you're God?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Simple. When I pray to Him, I find I am talking to myself.

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Sir Charles: Are you sure you can handle the situation? Marrying a man who thinks he is god?

Grace: Happens all the time.

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Dr. Herder: He can't forget being rejected by his mother and father at the age of 11. They sent him away, alone, into a primitive community of licensed bullies and pederasts.

Sir Charles: You mean he went to public school.

Dr. Herder: Exactly.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [Awakening in the morning on the giant cross where he sleeps at night] My heart rises with the sun. I'm purged of doubts and negative innuendos. Today I want to bless everything. Bless the crawfish with it's scuttling walk. Bless the trout, pilchard and periwinkle. Bless Ted Smoothey of 22 East Hackney Road. Bless the mealy redpole, the black-gloved wallaby and W.C. Fields, who is dead but lives on. Bless the snotty-nosed giraffe. Bless the buffalo. Bless the Society of Women Engineers. Bless the pygmy hippy. Bless the mighty cockroach.

[shouts]

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Bless me. Today is my wedding day!

[He leaps off the cross]

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: If I had only known then who I was now.

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Dr. Herder: Naturally, men aren't rats.

Lady Claire Gurney: Only a man would say so.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Behaviour which would be considered insanity in a tradesman is looked upon as mild eccentricity in a lord.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Join me for a constitutional before lunch, Mr. Tucker.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [to others]

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Enjoy yourselves while I'm gone. Relax. Have sex.

Lady Claire Gurney: [shocked] My... GOD!

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [peeping in as if he had been called back] Yes?

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Sir Charles: We're just talking about you and the subject of marriage. We think you should take a wife.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Who from?

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McKyle: I'm the high-voltage Messiah, the electric Christ, the AC/DC god.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: For what I am about to receive, may I make myself truly thankful.

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Dr. Herder: His lordship is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Sir Charles: Paranoid schizophrenic? But he's a Gurney!

Dr. Herder: Then he's a paranoid schizophrenic Gurney who believes he's God.

Sir Charles: But we've always been Church of England!

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Sir Charles: Come, doctor, you said he needed a harsh dose of reality. Well, you can't get a harder dose of the stuff than marriage.

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Sir Charles: [exasperated, after meeting Jack] Oh, my God!

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [ducking back into the room after hearing Charles] Yes?

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Lady Claire Gurney: How dare you bring that woman here!

Sir Charles: You should be very grateful to Miss Shelley.

Lady Claire Gurney: Grace Shelley is your mistress.

Sir Charles: Miss Shelley is just a hard working girl.

Lady Claire Gurney: On her back!

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Sir Charles: There are certain matters to do with the estate that need clearing up. Nothing important. Just need your signature. Gives me power to handle odd things.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Of course, Uncle.

Sir Charles: There's no need to read it. Just take my word.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word. I put on my glasses because I feel cold. Where do I sign?

Sir Charles: Just there. Excellent, excellent. Easily done, eh?

[reading the signature]

Sir Charles: "I, the undersigned, Mycroft Holmes?" Who's Mycroft Holmes?

Tucker: Brother of Sherlock Holmes, you illiterate oaf.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word for it; I put on my glasses because I feel cold.

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Sir Charles: What about Jack?

Dr. Herder: Remember he's suffering from delusions of grandeur. In reality he's an earl, an English aristocrat, a member of the ruling class. Naturally, he's come to believe there's only one person grander than that: the Lord God Almighty Himself.

Sir Charles: Are you English?

Dr. Herder: No.

Sir Charles: [slowly] Ah.

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Mrs. Piggot-Jones: [screams as she sees Jack's giant cross] Oh! What is it?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: A watusi walking stick! Big people, the watusi!

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Tucker: I always show respect, sir. That's what I'm paid for.

[blows raspberries]

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Lady Claire Gurney: My husband's an idiot.

Dr. Herder: That's not my concern.

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13th Earl of Gurney: A judge can't be unreasonable, so how can he be a lover?

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Surely you pray for love and understanding?

Lady Claire Gurney: Every night...

Lady Claire Gurney: [glancing pointedly at her husband] ... without success.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I stand outside myself, watching myself watching myself. I smile, I smile, I smile.

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McKyle: [to Jack] I didn't travel twenty million miles through galactic space to bandy words with a poxy moon-looney who thinks he's me! Away, or you'll be dropped!

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[first lines]

Toastmaster: My Lords. Gentlemen. Pray silence for Ralph Douglas Christopher Alexander Gurney, the thirteenth Earl of Gurney.

13th Earl of Gurney: The aim of the Society of Saint George is to keep Gurney a memory of England. We were once the rulers of the greatest empire the world has ever known. Ruled not by superior force or skill, but by sheer presence.

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Lady Claire Gurney: How did it happen? How did you come to be in this state?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Like every prophet I saw visions, I heard voices, I ran. The voices of Saint Frances, Socrates, General Gordon, and Timothy Leary, they all told me I was God. It was Sunday, August the 5th, at 3:32.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?

Grace: A white wedding.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Will Tuesday suit you?

Grace: You deserve a big kiss.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Not here in the garden. Last time I was kissed in a garden, it turned out rather awkward.

Grace: Oh, but Judas was a man.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Yes. Strange business.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Anything you care for? The Grand Canyon? A disused banana factory? Absolution?

Grace: A white wedding.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Would next Tuesday suit you?

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Sir Charles: It's out of the question!

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Who asked you a question? Did you ask him a question? Nobody asked a question, so I'll ask a question: Who's the head of the Gurney household?

Sir Charles: You are, Jack.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Then don't let me hear you answering unasked questions again!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I was only trying to do what's expected me. I recall as a sign of normalcy in our circle to slaughter anything that moves.

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Dr. Herder: To love goodness is to love God. To love God is to love the 14th Earl of Gurney.

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13th Earl of Gurney: Englishmen like to hear the truth about themselves.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I can't marry a second time.

Lady Claire Gurney: You're already married?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: August 28, in the year of me, 1964.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Your job's done, Herr Doctor. I'm adjusted. I brush my teeth twice daily and smile.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [to Grace] I take thee, Marguerite, called Grace Shelley because she doesn't speak French, to be my wedded wife.

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Lady Claire Gurney: That's very clever, but ah is it true?

Dr. Herder: Don't come to me for the truth only explanation.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: [about competing lunatic] You're trying to split my mind with his tongue.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Sometimes God turns His back on His people and breaks wind. And the stench clouds the globe!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I must learn to keep my mouth shut, bowels open, and never interfere.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Plotting is a word I put into my galvanized pressure cooker.

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Dr. Herder: Don't come to me for the truth, only explanations.

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Sir Charles: He was my brother. Well, half brother. I will not have you calling him artistic.

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13th Earl of Gurney: I give you: England. This teeming womb of privilege. This feudal state, who's shores beat back the turbulent sea of foreign anarchy. This ancient fortress, still commanded by the noblest of our royal blood. This ancient land of ritual. This precious stone set in the silver sea.

Toastmaster: The toast is: England, this precious stone set in the silver sea.

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13th Earl of Gurney: Not one of 'em buried in England. Never seen their graves.

Tucker: You could do that on your honeymoon, my Lord.

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13th Earl of Gurney: It's Miss Grace Shelly.

Tucker: Is she anyone, my Lord?

13th Earl of Gurney: No one. But, Charles recommends her. She's good breeding stock. Family foals well, sires mostly. There's always room at the top for brains, money or a good pair of titties.

Tucker: Miss Shelley seems well endowed, my Lord.

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13th Earl of Gurney: Close. It's getting close. I can feel her hot breath. Wonderful, wonderful. One slip. Wonderful. The worms have the best of it. They dine off the tenderest joints. Juicy breasts, white thighs.

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13th Earl of Gurney: Oh, a man must have vision! How else could an English judge and peer to the realm, take moonlit trips to Marrakesh and Ponder's End. See six vestal virgins smoking cigars, Moses in bedroom slippers, naked bosoms floating past Formosa.

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Bishop Bertie Lampton: Tell me, did Ralph commit suicide?

Sir Charles: Suicide? Tucker found Ralph hanging in his bedroom wearing a cocked hat, underpants and a ballet skirt. Does that sound like suicide?

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Sir Charles: I told him not to remain a widower. The guv'nor didn't have to start breeding again. It was not pleasant for a man of Ralph's age, but that was something he had to get on top of.

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Sir Charles: Claire! I said, Ralph is back.

Lady Claire Gurney: Thank you, Charles. I'll have a vodka and tonic.

Dinsdale Gurney: I say, guv'nor, the guv'nor is back. Mummy, I was just telling the guv'nor that the guv'nor is back.

Lady Claire Gurney: Charles! With ice.

Dinsdale Gurney: I'm repeating myself, calling the guv'nor the guv'nor and Daddy the guv'nor as well.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: A prayer should rise up like incense. A prayer is an act of faith and union. To pray means to ask, to beg, to plead. A prayer is a message to heaven. You are talking directly to God. Express your desires freely. Don't be afraid. I know them already. For I am the creator and ruler of the universe. Khoda, the one supreme being and infinite personal being. Yahweh, Shangri-Ti and EI, the First Immoveable Mover, yea, I am the Absolute, Unknowable, Righteous, Eternal, the Lord of Hosts, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, the Father, Son and Holy Ghost, the One True God, the God of love, the Christ!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: If I saw a man eating grass, I'd say he was hungry.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Is everybody happy? Now hear this. I come to proclaim the new dispensation. The gospel dispensation promised only salvation to the soul. The new dispensation gives it to the body as well. Jesus Christ - Mark 1 - suffered to redeem the spirit to let the body separate it from God. So Satan found the place in man and formed in him a false love, a love of self. Explode! Only feel. Love can sin no more. Most anything you touch, see and feel glorifies my love. Top hat is my miter, and the walking stick my rod.

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Lady Claire Gurney: How did you come to be in this state of grace?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Like every prophet, I saw visions, heard voices, I ran. The voices of St. Francis, Socrates, General Gordon and Timothy O'Leary - all told me I was God.

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Lady Claire Gurney: What does it feel like to be God?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Like a river flowing everywhere. I pick up a newspaper, and I'm everywhere - conducting a summit conference, dying of hunger in a Peruvian gutter, accepting the Nobel Prize for literature, raping a nun in Sumatra. Under this protective outer shell - I'm God-filled.

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Lady Claire Gurney: What should we call you then?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Any of the nine billion names of God. Your Lordship will do, or J.C., Eric, Bert, Barney Entwistle. I know exactly who I am.

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Lady Claire Gurney: You heard what he said, Charles.

Sir Charles: I did. Destroying property. All men are equal. Do you know what this means, Claire? He's not only mad, he's Bolshie!

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Dinsdale Gurney: I say, where is the guv'nor? Ah, is that tea, Tucker? Just the job.

Lady Claire Gurney: He's in town, trying to find a way around this mess.

Dinsdale Gurney: When's he back?

Lady Claire Gurney: Oh, any time now, if he doesn't drop in on his mistress first.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: His body sleeps, but his divinity is always watching.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Tell me, ladies, what do I do at this gala opening of yours? Do I charm bracelets, swing lead, break wind, pass water?

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Britain - a fly-blown speck in the North Sea. You can't kick the natives in the back streets of Calcutta anymore.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Ladies, I've decided to begin my second ministry at your gathering. Last time I preached the Word in holy Galilee, I spoke in parables. Mistake! Now I must speak plain. God is love.

Mrs. Pamela Treadwell: Love?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Love. As water is wet, as jade is hard, as bread is life! So God is love. Mrs. Pamela Treadwell, can you love? Can your blood bubble, flesh melt, thighs twitch, heart burst for love?

Mrs. Pamela Treadwell: Your Lordship, I'm a married woman.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Remember the commandment I gave you: "Love one another as I love you!"

Mrs. Piggot-Jones: Stay back! My husband is a master of hounds!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Ladies, come back. I'll fill your bodies!

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Lady Claire Gurney: Why does he keep on about love?

Dr. Herder: Because he wants us all to love goodness. To love goodness is to love God. To love God is to love the 14th Earl of Gurney.

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Lady Claire Gurney: Doctor, how are my questions revealing?

Dr. Herder: The first one you asked me was about love.

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Tucker: Yes, he's a nutcase. Most of these titled fleabags are. Rich nobs and priveleged arseholes can afford to be bonkers. They're living in a dreamworld, aren't they, sir? Life's made too easy for 'em. They don't have to earn a livin', so they do just what they want to.

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Tucker: We'd all be pretty crackers if we went around doing just what we wanted to, wouldn't we?

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Lady Claire Gurney: All right, if you're God, reveal your godhead.

[14th Earl unzips his trousers and walks towards Lady Claire]

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Lady Claire Gurney: Dr. Herder is furious.

Sir Charles: Furious? He's got no right to be furious. He's not family.

Lady Claire Gurney: not family. He could make things difficult by having Jack declared insane before he's produced an heir.

Sir Charles: Damned Kraut. You'll have to keep your eye on him, my dear. I'm gonna have me hands full getting Grace married and pregnant.

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Grace: Oh, this dress is tight. I feel constipated.

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Grace: You're right, Charlie boy. She is an ice-cold biddy.

Sir Charles: Oh, she's too clever by half, that woman. But I get things done my way. She doesn't know what she wants.

Grace: Oh, but I do, Charlie boy.

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Sir Charles: [approvingly] Damned plucky filly.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Oh, I'm happy. I'm the sunshine man! A driver of A gravy train. Choo, choo, choo. It's so simple for me. Paradise is just a smiling face.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Don't forget. Apart from being God, Christ and the Holy Ghost, I'm also an L.O.B., D.F.C. And A.D.C. You're dealing with the big one!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Stop! You're making me a stunted dwarf, a deformed midget, a crippled newt!

Dinsdale Gurney: What are you doing down there?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It's your negative "insinuendos."

Dinsdale Gurney: Insinuendo?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Insinuendo is insinuation towards innuendo, brought on by increased negativism out of a negative reaction to your father's positivism.

Dinsdale Gurney: I don't know what the devil you're going on about, but I resent your attitude.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: One minute silence, please.

Sir Charles: What for?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: For all the dead books that World War I. For Mr. Moto, Cisco Kid and me. Muffle the drums, silence. Shh!

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Bishop Bertie Lampton: Charles, need we be so hasty? Charles, God, in His infinite mercy, has seen fit to cloud our nervous senses. But he will recover. He will recover, Charles. God is merciful. Yes, you must believe that, Charles! God is merciful in spite of all appearances.

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Lady Claire Gurney: If I press a button, you'll feel fear? Love?

Dr. Herder: Love? No. Desire. Yes.

Lady Claire Gurney: What, by pressing a little button?

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Bishop Bertie Lampton: Wilt thou, wilt thou take this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together i-i-in holy wedlock under God's ordinance? W- W-Wilt thou love her?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: From the bottom of my soul to the tip of my penis. Like the sun in its brightness, the moon in its glory, no breeze stirs that doesn't bear my love.

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Grace: A bit tatty, Jeeves. No guests, no reception, two plates of curled up sandwiches and a deformed wedding cake.

Tucker: It's not my fault, Your Ladyship.

Grace: "Your Ladyship." That's better. I'll watch 'em creep and crawl at Harrods.

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Sir Charles: Where'd they go?

Lady Claire Gurney: To bed, of course.

Dinsdale Gurney: I must say, I wouldn't like to be in her shoes tonight.

Tucker: It's not her shoes he'll be in, Master Dinsdale.

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Grace: I always get first night nerves. Well, any good performer does. You have to be keyed up to give a good show. I've done it all. From Stanislavsky to strip. Greasy makeup towels, cracked mirrors, rhinestones and beads. What a world. I sang "This Can't Be Love." Funny. Did the same act late at the Pigalle for twice the money without removing a stitch. Of course, some women can strip without taking their clothes off. Nobody could call me undersexed. But I could never get worked up watching some man strip down to suspenders and jockstrap. Well, where's the fun? I suppose some people just prefer the smell of the steak better than the steak itself. Oh, if my mother could see me now! It's what she always wanted for me... the big time. Well, she found it hard to settle down to civilian life after being in the touring company of Chu Chin Chow. Nobody need worry about me fitting in. All I have to do is play it cool. I can cock my little finger with the best!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Dignity has nothing to do with divinity.

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Grace: I just didn't expect to see my husband riding a three-wheeled bike on his wedding night.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It's the only way to travel. Remember, God loves you. God wants you. God needs you. Come to me.

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Sir Charles: So, he just rode about all night then?

Grace: First the bike, then me.

Sir Charles: Hmm.

Grace: His mind may be wonky, but there's certainly nothing wrong with the rest of his anatomy.

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Grace: Look, this is my pad now, remember? If you want to keep kibitzing here, just belt up on the snide remarks or you'll find yourself horizontal.

Lady Claire Gurney: A position you're clearly familiar with.

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Tucker: Why can't you look at my back?

Dr. Herder: I keep telling you, I'm a psychiatrist.

Tucker: It's just because I'm on the national health, isn't it? Damn money-grubbers! You and your "hypocrite's" oath.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I have shaken the silver gong of the universe. Bong! Oh, Grace, it's hard. Love is my theme, and it frightens them, happiness my gift, and they run. I try to tie the air in knots and make mountains out of water.

Grace: It's hopeless, darling.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: That's not a word in love's lexicon. We'll hear the voice of the turtle throughout the land. Yes. Clop, clop, clop.

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Lady Claire Gurney: You haven't much time. Lady Grace isn't the type to survive the rabbit test for long.

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Dr. Herder: What does that look like? Is it a dragon? A spider? What does it remind you of?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: God.

Dr. Herder: And this?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: God. Everything that is or ever shall be reminds me of me.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: The red peacock is a moth which only lives two days. With no mouth to eat or drink, it flies miles to love, breed and die. Consider a life of love without one selfish act!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: When I r-r-r-r-relax. Overall impression of superiority and volatile - Farts! Whoredoms! Bloody network! Hold, sir. Hold, hold, hold.

Lady Claire Gurney: How do you feel, Jack?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Lazarus felt like I feel. Odor of dung. Liquid, straight, unstable. Back, sir. Back, back, back. Be patient. I'll learn the rules of the game.

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Grace: Don't stay out too long, Jack.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Just want to get the feel of terra firma. I must learn to keep my mouth shut, bowels open and never volunteer.

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Tucker: Not that anybody'd care. Nobody to weep for poor, creepin' Tucker.

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Tucker: I'm not ready for the fiery furnace yet. Awful lot of livin' to do. Girls by the hundreds - to name only a few.

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Kelso Truscott: Dr. Herder says you're nearly back to normal. Of course, he is a foreigner, and his ideas of normal may not be mine.

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Kelso Truscott: Ah, school days, school days. It's all ahead of you, then.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I went round saying, "God loves you. Loves you." I'm sorry there, Truscott. Embarrassing for a chap to remember what a spectacle he's made of himself, you know.

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Kelso Truscott: Is there anything you feel strongly about, my lord?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: My w-w-w-wasted years. I woke up the other morning with grey hairs. Grey hairs and duty neglected. Our country is being destroyed. You're mocked in the Strand if you talk of patriotism and the old queen. Discipline's gone. They're sapping the foundations of our society with their adultery and fornication! The barbarians are waiting outside with chaos, anarchy, homosexuality and worse!

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Grace: I've had enough of your "right." You have stuck your aristocratic schnoz into my affairs for the last time, right? Jack's changed, right? Everything's changed: you, me, us, them. It's a new deal all round, right? You know what I mean? Right? Right!

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Dr. Herder: Yes. He's made a spectacular breakthrough. We're in the process of making a new man.

Lady Claire Gurney: I'm always on the lookout for new men.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Deformed, unfinished, sent before my time... into this breeding world. I'm cured of fantasy obsessions, paranoid delusions, I master words. L... Straighten up there. Am... Close up with "I," you horrible, little word. God. I am God. Not the god of love, but God Almighty. I massacred the Amalekites and the Seven Nations of Canaan. I hacked Agag to pieces and blasted the barren fig tree, for the day of vengeance is in my heart. You lunar jackass, she betrayed you... guilty, guilty, guilty. The punishment is death. I've finally been processed. They made me adjust... to modern times.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I'm Jack. Cunning Jack. Quiet Jack. Jack whose sword never sleeps. Hats off, I'm Jack. Not the good shepherd. Not the prince of peace. I'm red Jack, spring-heeled Jack. Jack from hell. Trade name: Jack the Ripper. Mary, Annie, Elizabeth, Catherine, Alice, Marie Kelly.

[sings]

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Six little whores, glad to be alive. One sidles up toJack and then there are five.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Let's have no talk of bestial orgasms, erotic tonguings. It burns high-voltage holes in the brain. It's been proved in oscillographs.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: The hangman holds our society together. He is the symbol of the great chastiser. He built this world on punishment and fear. Snuff out fear and see what follows. Sons strike their doddering dads. Young girls show their ankles and bosoms and say rude things about the Queen. Anything goes, and they do it openly in the street and frighten the horses!

Mrs. Piggot-Jones: It's the times. What can we do about it?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Bring back fear!

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Ladies and gentlemen, we understand each other perfectly. Breeding speaks to breeding.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I stand outside myself, watching myself watching myself. I smile, I smile, I smile.

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Lady Claire Gurney: Before, I was only sorry for you.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Oh, before, madam. Before, I was a mass of light. Mad, you see. Now I am sane. The world sweats into my brain, madam.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It's hard to look at people from downwind. They stink. It's terrible, but it's the real thing.

Lady Claire Gurney: I've always wanted to find the real thing.

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Lady Claire Gurney: I'm trembling - like I used to tremble at shadows when I was a child.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I am no shadow. I'm flesh and blood. Touch.

Lady Claire Gurney: Perhaps I'm not really dead, only sleeping. Wake me - with a kiss.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Are you accosting me?

Lady Claire Gurney: That's right, ducks. 'Ow's about it?

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Lady Claire Gurney: Are you pleased this has happened?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: We were destined to meet.

Lady Claire Gurney: That sounds romantic. More. Please.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Orgasm, copulation. fornication, gangrened shoulder of sex. Tear, spill the seed, gut-slime.

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Lady Claire Gurney: Say something soft and tender.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Calves, tender tongues, earlobes, hearts, tits, nipples. Lover. The sword of the lord is filled with blood.

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Inspector Brockett: An important question, my lord. Now think hard, now. Has anything unusual happened here recently? Anything out of the ordinary?

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Tucker: All right. All right, all right! What's the idea? I've got a plane to catch.

Inspector Brockett: You going somewhere, Tucker?

Tucker: Mr. Tucker, flatfoot. Looks like it, don't it? It's cocktails and champagne for yours truly. Gay Paree where all the girls say, "Oui, oui."

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Tucker: I told you all I know.

Tucker: Oh, have you? Daniel Tucker, alias Alexei Kronstadt. Party member number 243.

Sir Charles: Murdering swine.

Grace: Jeeves a Bolshie?

Inspector Brockett: You're a Red!

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Tucker: You and Sir Charles, standing there like a pickled walrus.

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Tucker: Upper-class excrement! You wanna do me dirt, just because I know too much. I know that one percent of the population owns half the property in this country. And that vomiting one percent wants kosher killing, hung up so the blue blood drains out slow and easy. So, comrades, come rally and the last fight let us face. The international army unites the human race.

[singing]

Tucker: I'm only a strolling vagabond So good night, pretty maiden, good night.

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Sir Charles: Ah, it's what I've always said: you can't give the working class money.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: You were fornicating lovers! Sperm dancers!

Dr. Herder: It's a lie! Lady Claire meant nothing to me.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Cock-a-doodle-doo!

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Sir Charles: it's Jack this, Jack that.

Grace: Jack, let's take off.

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Grace: Are you ready for them?

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Are they ready for me, Madam?

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Dinsdale Gurney: We're going to work as a team once I'm elected. Jack in the House of Lords, me in the other place.

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Sir Charles: Oh, it'll happen to you one day. Suddenly you'll be standing there and - nobody's paying any attention to you. You start coughing and your mouth goes dry. Wipe watery, dribbles away. It's hard! Because inside you're still, you're still 21! But your feet go flop, flop, flop! Oh, it's hard!

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Grace: You're more than just cured, Jack. You've got that something extra - what we call star quality.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: It will be a triumphant climax.

Grace: Talking of climaxes, you were a lot more loving when you were potty.

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Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: My noble lords, the strong must manipulate the weak! That's the first law of the universe. The hard survive, the soft quickly turn to corruption. This is a call to greatness! Approach this day out to battle against your enemies. Let not your hearts faint, fear not and do not tremble, neither be ye terrified because of them. For the Lord your God is He that goeth with you - to fight for you against your enemies to save you. And mine eyes shall not spare, neither will I have pity. I will recompense them according to their ways and their abominations that are in the midst of them. And they shall know that I am the lord that smiteth!

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