- Mrs. Gloop: Don't just stand there, do something!
- Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Help. Police, Murder.
- Willy Wonka: Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries, and the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
- Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?
- Willy Wonka: [grabbing Veruca's mouth and pinching it a bit to hold it open] *We* are the music makers... and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.
- Willy Wonka: [into Mr. Salt's ear, singing softly] A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.
- Mr. Turkentine: I've just decided to switch our Friday schedule to Monday, which means that the test we take each Friday on what we learned during the week will now take place on Monday before we've learned it. But since today is Tuesday, it doesn't matter in the slightest. Pencils ready!
- Mr. Salt: [noticing signs on vats] Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? Got a little something going on the side?
- Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
- Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing/Which direction they are going... There's no knowing where they're rowing...
- Mr. Salt: [weakly echoing] Rowing...
- Willy Wonka: Or which way the river's flowing... Is it raining, is it snowing?/Is a hurricane a-blowing?
- [sharp gasp]
- Willy Wonka: Not a speck of light is showing/So the danger must be growing... Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?/Is the grisly Reaper mowing?/Yes! The danger must be growing/'Cause the rowers keep on rowing/
- [practically screaming]
- Willy Wonka: And they're certainly not showing/Any sign that they are slowing!
- [lets out a high-pitched, almost unearthly scream]
- Willy Wonka: [touching the gobstopper Charlie has just set on his desk] So shines a good deed in a weary world.
- Mr. Salt: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of funhouse?
- Willy Wonka: [glances back at him] Why? Are you having fun?
- Mrs. Gloop: [Augustus is now sucked into the suction pipe which takes him to the vertical pipe] He can't swim.
- Willy Wonka: There's no better time to learn.
- Willy Wonka: How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?
- Charlie: I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world!
- Willy Wonka: I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you.
- Grandpa Joe: [sounding shocked] You're giving Charlie the...?
- Willy Wonka: I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.
- Charlie: So that's why you sent out the golden tickets!
- Willy Wonka: That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.
- Grandpa Joe: And me?
- Willy Wonka: Absolutely.
- Charlie: But what happens to the rest...?
- Willy Wonka: The whole family. I want you to bring them all.
- [Willy and Charlie hug]
- [last lines]
- Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.
- Charlie: What happened?
- Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.
- Charlie: Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?
- Willy Wonka: Hm... well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?
- Willy Wonka: [singing] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.
- Computer Operator: Gentlemen, I know how anxious you've all been during these last few days. But now I think I can safely say that your time and money have been well-spent. We're about to witness the greatest miracle of the machine age. Based on the revolutionary Computonian Law of Probability, this machine will tell us the precise location of the 3 remaining golden tickets.
- [he pushes buttons on the machine; the machine prints out a response]
- Computer Operator: It says: "I won't tell. That would be cheating."
- [he pushes the buttons on the machine again]
- Computer Operator: I am now telling the computer that if it will tell me the correct answer, I will gladly share with it the grand prize.
- [the machine prints out another response]
- Computer Operator: He says: "What would a computer do with a lifetime supply of chocolate?"
- [he sighs, then pushes the buttons once again]
- Computer Operator: I am now telling the computer exactly what he can do with the lifetime supply of chocolate.
- FBI Agent: Mrs. Curtis, did you hear me? It's your husband's life, or your case of Wonka bars.
- Mrs. Curtis: [after a brief pause] How long will they give me to think it over?
- Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?
- Willy Wonka: [pointedly ignoring him and Charlie] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.
- Grandpa Joe: [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The-the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. Wh-When does he get it?
- Willy Wonka: He doesn't.
- Grandpa Joe: Why not?
- Willy Wonka: Because he broke the rules.
- Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?
- [Charlie shakes his head briefly]
- Willy Wonka: [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:
- [grabs a magnifying glass and reads]
- Willy Wonka: I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum!
- [slams the contract copy and the magnifying glass down, continues shouting]
- Willy Wonka: It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!
- [turns back to his work]
- Grandpa Joe: [shocked] You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are!
- [angrily]
- Grandpa Joe: How could you do a thing like this, build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!
- Willy Wonka: [shouts even louder] I said good day!
- Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I'll ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.
- Mr. Turkentine: Of course you don't know. You don't know because only *I* know. If you knew and I didn't know, then you'd be teaching me instead of me teaching you - and for a student to be teaching his teacher is presumptuous and rude. Do I make myself clear?
- Violet Beauregarde: Well, they can't be real people.
- Willy Wonka: Why, of course they're real people.
- Mr. Salt: Stuff and nonsense!
- Willy Wonka: No, Oompa Loompas.
- The Group: [turning around] Oompa Loompas?
- Willy Wonka: From Loompaland.
- Mrs. Teevee: Loompaland? There's no such place.
- Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady, but...
- Mrs. Teevee: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.
- Willy Wonka: Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."
- Mr. Salt: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?
- Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions *must* be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.
- Veruca Salt: Hey, Daddy, *I* want an Oompa Loompa! I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away!
- Mr. Salt: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.
- Veruca Salt: [whining] I want an Oompa Loompa now!
- Violet Beauregarde: Can it, you nit!
- Mrs. Gloop: He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds.
- Willy Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady! That's absurd! Unthinkable!
- Mrs. Gloop: Why?
- Willy Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room, it goes to the fudge room!
- Mrs. Gloop: You terrible man!
- Mike Teevee: Look at me, I'm gonna be be the first person in the world to be sent by television!
- Mrs. Teevee: Mike, get away from that thing!
- Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Stop. Don't. Come back.
- Mike Teevee: Lights, camera, *action*!
- Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo / I've got another puzzle for you / Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee / If you are wise you'll listen to me / Who do you blame when your kid is a... brat / Pampered and spoiled like a Siamese... cat / Blaming the kids is a lie and a shame / You know exactly who's... to... blame? / The mother and the father / Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dah / If you're not spoiled, then you will go far / You will live in happiness, too / Like the Oompa Loompa doo-p-dee doo.
- Willy Wonka: Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.
- [to an Oompa Loompa]
- Willy Wonka: To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.
- Mrs. Teevee: Uh, T-T-Taffy? Wh-What's he saying?
- [Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka]
- Willy Wonka: No, no. I won't hold you responsible.
- Willy Wonka: [Mrs. Teavee suddenly passes out] And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say good-bye.
- [Mrs. Teevee groans]
- Willy Wonka: No, no, don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along now.
- [two Oompa Loompas drag the limp Mrs. Teevee out of the room]
- Mrs. Gloop: What a disgusting, dirty river!
- Mr. Salt: Industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed Wonka: it's polluted.
- Willy Wonka: It's chocolate.
- Veruca Salt: That's chocolate?
- Charlie: That's chocolate!
- Violet Beauregarde: A chocolate river.
- Veruca Salt: [singing] I want the world. I want the whole world. I want to lock it all up in my pocket. It's my bar of chocolate. Give it to me now.
- Mike Teevee: Wait till I get a real one. Colt 45. Pop won't let me have one yet, will ya, Pop?
- Mr. Teevee: Not till you're 12, son.
- Grandpa Joe: Well, Mr. Salt finally got what he wanted.
- Charlie: What's that?
- Grandpa Joe: Veruca went first.
- Mrs. Gloop: You boiled him up, I know it.
- Willy Wonka: Nil desperandum, my dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land.
- [Mrs. Gloop is led away to the fudge room]
- Willy Wonka: Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu. Aufwiedersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell.
- Willy Wonka: [making a mysterious formula] Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.
- Mrs. Teevee: [as Mr. Wonka drinks the formula] That's 105%!
- Mr. Beauregarde: Any good?
- Willy Wonka: [smacks his lips, then speaks in falsetto] Yes.
- Mr. Salt: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?
- Willy Wonka: They're not for sale.
- Mr. Salt: Name your price.
- Willy Wonka: She can't have one.
- Veruca Salt: Who says I can't?
- Mr. Salt: The man with the funny hat.
- Grandpa Joe: [viewing the Wonka-mobile being fueled] Mr. Wonka? Uh, what's that they're filling it up with?
- Willy Wonka: Oh ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubbleade, bubblecola, double cola, double-bubble-burple-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.
- Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] Sorry I asked.
- Mr. Beauregarde: Don't talk to me about contracts, Wonka, I use them myself. They're strictly for suckers.
- Willy Wonka: Don't you know what this is?
- Violet Beauregarde: By gum, it's gum.
- Willy Wonka: [happily, but sarcastically] Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.
- Violet Beauregarde: What's so fab about it?
- Willy Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner.
- Mr. Salt: Bull.
- Willy Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.
- [Mr. Wonka puts a pair of football cleats into a vat]
- Mr. Salt: What's that for?
- Willy Wonka: Gives it a little kick.
- Oompa Loompas: Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do / I've got another puzzle for you / Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dah dee / If you are wise you'll listen to me / What do you get from a glut of TV? / A pain in the neck and an IQ of 3 / Why don't you try simply reading a book? / Or could you just not bear to look? / You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no / You'll get no commercials / Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dah / If you love reading you will go far / You will live in happiness, too / Like the Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do.
- Charlie: [about the Wonkamobile] Is this going to go fast, Grandpa?
- Grandpa Joe: It should, Charlie; it's got more gas in it than a politician.
- Mr. Salt: Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.
- Willy Wonka: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.
- Mr. Salt: Ladies first, and that means Veruca.
- Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.
- [Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]
- Willy Wonka: We're there.
- Mrs. Teevee: Where?
- Willy Wonka: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!
- Mr. Beauregarde: Let me off this crate!
- Mike Teevee: Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?
- Mrs. Teevee: I don't know.
- Mr. Salt: What a nightmare.
- Veruca Salt: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.
- [Charlie and Grandpa Joe look and read a sign at the door]
- Charlie: Dairy cream...
- Grandpa Joe: Whipped cream...
- Charlie: Coffee cream...
- Grandpa Joe: Vanilla cream...
- Charlie, Grandpa Joe: Hair cream?
- Willy Wonka: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit.
- [Translation: My dominions, please give me your attention]
- Mrs. Teevee: That's not French.
- Willy Wonka: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.
- [Translation: You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]
- Mr. Salt: I can't take much more of this.
- Willy Wonka: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room.
- [Translation: Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]
- Willy Wonka: Now, remember: No messing about, no touching, no tasting, no telling.
- Grandpa Joe: No telling what?
- Willy Wonka: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!
- Charlie: [to Grandpa Joe, after opening the Wonka bar they think has the last Golden Ticket in it] You know... I'll bet those Golden Tickets make the chocolate taste terrible.
- Mike Teevee: Where are you taking me?
- [as Mrs. Teavee inserts him into her purse]
- Mike Teevee: I don't wanna go in there...!
- Mrs. Teevee: Be quiet.
- Mike Teevee: Hey, let me out, it's dark in here. Come on, Mom, I want to be on TV. Let me out, Mom, or I'll gnaw my way out. I'm warning you, Mom, there's a nail file in here. If you don't let me out, I'll smear your lipstick all over everything.
- [Charlie and Grandpa Joe are floating in the fizzy lifting room]
- [Grandpa Joe does a somersault in midair]
- Charlie: Hey, you did it, Grandpa.
- Grandpa Joe: Ohhhh... ohhhh, I think I hit an air pocket.
- Charlie: You can fly to the moon this way.
- Grandpa Joe: Let's just fly south for the winter.
- Charlie: Why not? I'm a bird!
- Grandpa Joe: I'm a plaaaaaaane!
- Charlie: I'm... going too high!
- Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] I want to go in! Don't you dare stop me!
- Mr. Salt: I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart.
- Veruca Salt: [to Violet] Give me that pen!
- [Veruca grabs the pen from Violet]
- Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] You're always making things difficult.
- [signs the contract]
- Willy Wonka: [admiringly] Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going.