Pretty Maids All in a Row

One of the most politically incorrect films of all time, Pretty Maids All In a Row is easily Roger Vadim's most audacious film. Scripted by Gene Roddenberry it focuses on the strange happenings taking place at a California high school. To better understand this film, you need to know more about Roger Vadim. He was by all accounts a unrepentant womanizer. He wrote not just one, but two books concerning his love affairs with Brigitte Bardot, Catherine Deneuve, Annette Atroyberg, and Jane Fonda. The filmmaker practically invented the modern day sex film in 1956 with And God Ceated Woman. In 2005, Jane Fonda went public with allegations claiming that Vadim forced her to have threesomes with other women.

Director Roger Vadim obviously loved women. The way the camera takes in the female form in this film shows that this guy truly enjoyed this cast of beautiful high school girls who are dropping out of school in the most unfortunate manner: they are being murdered. The first body is found by student Ponce. He discovers the nude body in the boy's washroom. After discovering the body we are introduced to the detective assigned to the case as well as an amoral guidance counselor named Tiger (played by Rock Hudson) who also happens to be sleeping with his students in his office.  The investigation goes and we discover that the murdered girls happened to be sleeping with Tiger. Despite of all the heat pressure placed on him, Tiger doesn't seem worried that he'll get caught. He continues coaching the football team, eventually setting Ponce up with a sexy new teacher (Angie Dickinson), and of course carrying on affairs with the students. 

In his autobiography, Vadim recalled the casting of the students in Pretty Maids All in a Row: "...I had auditioned over two hundred boys and about the same number of girls. Most of the girls who applied in the roles of high school alumni were aspiring actresses, though some were local students who merely found the whole thing amusing." For a man recovering from love sickness (Jane Fonda had just divorced Vadim), this succession of young teenage and college age beauties was intoxicating. Vadim specifically ordered the wardrobe department to dress the girls in micro skirts and tight fitting shirts. Notably, a good portion of them aren't wearing bras. Vadim films these young ladies, many of which appear to be underage, in a method that is so unapologetically sexual that you'll soon understand why this film will likely never appear on DVD. With pedophilia being such a hot topic in today's society, no film company wants to risk being accused of exploiting minors by releasing this on DVD.

With its nonstop leering shots of teenage body parts and seemingly giddy portrayal of sexual relationships between adults and children, does Pretty Maids All in A Row seem like a celebration of pedophilia? Uh, the correct term is 'ebephophilia' which means 'love of adolescents'. I guess it's a matter of opinion. When I first viewed this film as a teen, the director's constant zooming in on the breasts and buttocks of female high school students was a bit shocking, but had a point to it. I mean, high school is a particularly sexualized place being that many students are entering in relationships for the first times in their lives. Then I read a movie review about how Pretty Maids All in A Row may have been the most widespread female-kiddie-porn film ever seen. The slow, misty shots of the braless pubescent girls in their micro skirts were far too prevalent to be incidental. When I saw this movie again, this time in my late 20s, I had no problem understanding the reviewer's point of view. For example, the opening scene of this movie consists of a closeup of a pair of butts belonging to two female classmates of Ponce. These two, who look barely 18, show up randomly during this movie, and every scene they are in, the camera is fixated so closely on their mini skirts that it's laughable. I can find no reason for so pointlessly including these two girls in the movie other than for the director to showcase their gorgeous bodies with series of gratuitous shots of their crotches and rears. It seems all quite juvenille. Still, I don't think anyone should not see this film just because director Vadim can't go two minutes without fetishizing a sea of young female bodies.

To better understand all the blatant voyeurism directed towards these girls, remember that this is an American movie made with a European mentality. The European school of film-making seems to approach the entire feminine image in a different sense than the Americans do; the female body is perceived to be a work of art in itself, that it is graceful, elegant, beautiful and sensual, an aesthetic object with erotic power. Presenting it in the proper manner makes one marvel instead of blushing and turning away--that seems to be the attitude this director takes, and it causes the frequent nudity in the film to be not so much dirty, obscene, and debaucherous, as being instead a presentation of a thing of beauty.

The acting in Pretty Maids is first-rate. The cast is by far the film's strongest asset. These are all truly courageous performers, and the acting is so good, it's scary. The standouts are probably Rock Hudson and John David Carson. Not surprisingly, Telly Savalas as a Kojak-style detective steals every scene he is in. Angie Dickinson is great, but I was distracted by her aesthetic qualities.

Pretty Maids is a good movie that has quite a few shocking moments. It's quite implausible and uneven, but I recommend seeing it. It's one of those movies where you just HAVE to see it, you know? Not because it's some great masterpiece of cinema, but because there's a lot there to talk about. Check it out.

A juicy bit of 70s kitsch right here for your viewing pleasure. Rock Hudson as a horny high school coach/guidance counselor who is nailing every girl in sight. This man is so hip, he has arranged the thumb tacks on his cork board into a peace sign. No wonder all the kids love him. Right on, man.

The luscious Angie Dickinson plays a substitute teacher who wears very short skirts and form-fitting sweaters. Not only does she get felt up by Hudson, she also enthusiastically deflowers the gawky teenage male virgin after extolling the virtues of John Milton's "Paradise Lost." Telly Savalas is the state police detective called upon to solve a series of murders of young girls at the high school, the first of which is charmingly named "Jill Fairbutt." No lollipop here. He is sucking on a cigarette, a cancer stick, a coffin nail! Who loves ya, baby? Nice job by Keenan Wynn is the wheezy geezer local sheriff assigned by Savalas to direct traffic after incompetently touching every bit of evidence at the first murder scene. Also by James Doohan ("Scotty" of Star Trek fame) as Savalas' underling. Too bad they couldn't have gotten Shatner to give Hudson a run for his money...

Also heard from is Roddy McDowell, twittery here as the high school principal, whose concern over the murders is limited to characterizing one of them as a "great little cheerleader." He comes complete with prim, nerdy, bespectacled secretary, de rigeur for the 70s.

In what other decade could something be listed as a comedy/crime/ thriller? Only the 70s, my friend. You can also groove to the opening song by the Osmonds, "Chilly Wind," which happens to be sung over Rock Hudson getting it on with a topless honey. Osmonds and boobies - my head just exploded.

If I'm not mistaken, I think I saw a very young Alfre Woodard as one of the students questioned by Savalas. Rock that afro, girl!

What can you expect by combining the directing talents of Roger Vadim and the writing of Gene Roddenberry? If you can ignore the misogyny of every female in this movie being a ditz/victim/sex object/cuckold, then you will enjoy this very of-its-time pre-sex-comedy-era sex comedy. With some murder thrown in. And a bit of mystery. And don't forget the Osmonds.

This was one of the most influential movies of my high school years.

And it's all thanks to French director Roger Vadim. Magnifique!

What a life Vadim must have led during the '60s & '70s. Yes, this is envy speaking.

Okay, some of the credit for this most enjoyably sly & funny little gem goes to Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, who, for this film went where he'd never gone before, bringing along James Doohan, aka, Scotty with him on this marvelous adolescent comedy sex fantasy/murder mystery.

The cast has a lot of fun, including Rock Hudson and the most heterosexual high school counselor in the universe (believe it); and Angie Dickenson as the sexiest teacher this side of my sophomore English teacher, Miss Lynn Segal at San Gabriel High (Angie has a stiffie-inducing seduction scene that'll ring most guy's bells like Quasimodo sure as hell never could).

In a wonderfully clueless comic role is Keenan Wynn. He's great. And a pre-Kojak Telly Savalas is the coolest police homicide detective in the history of cinema. High school chicks dig him.

John David Carson is ideal as Ponce, the shy, quiet, timid, virgin student who doesn't necessarily end up that way. Every girl he sees drives him crazy - and it's easy to see why. These babes are total! Joanna Cameron, Aimee Eccles, June Fairchild, Barbara Leigh as Rock's jaw-dropping wife, and the other "Pretty Maids" will bring eyesight to the blind. Wow!

I could go on, but why? If you like it, you like it. If not, try Von Stroheim or Bergman. I prefer Vadim. Pretty Maids All In A Row entrertained me then, and it entertained me one night in August 2006.

Pretty Maids All in a Row is based on a novel by Francis Pollini and has all the makings of a cult film. We've got a cast peppered with cult stars, a story involving a sex killer and some great black humour, but somehow it missed the cult film boat. The film is set in a California high school, and clearly the writers decided to throw caution to the wind where any political correctness was concerned as Pretty Maids All in a Row delights in showing Rock Hudson's teacher character getting up to allsorts with his young female students. The film basically has two main plot lines. The first of which focuses on a young man named Ponce de Leon Harper. This guy is cut up because he's seventeen and hasn't lost his virginity yet, and so turns to his teacher friend, Michael McDrew, for help. Mr McDrew decides to help Leon by hooking him up with someone; only thing is, he decides to hook him up with his English teacher, Miss Smith! Meanwhile, teenage girls are turning up dead with a note attached to their bottoms...

The black humour features throughout the film and at times is subtle, and at others; less subtle (for example, "we never have practise on the day of a murder!"), but it works really well. The cast is superb, with Rock Hudson getting the main plaudits for his central performance. He's every bit the middle aged pervert and he plays the role with relish. John David Carson is less impressive as the young kid, but still turns in a good performance. There are also roles for the likes of Telly Savalas, Roddy McDowall and Angie Dickinson. The film remains interesting for the duration due to its range of characters and various plot lines. The film actually does handle some interesting themes too; the boy losing his virginity being the main one. The sequence in which that happens is really great, too! The film doesn't work at all as a mystery - it's completely clear who the murderer is right from the start - but still, getting to the conclusion is a lot of fun. Overall, I would have to say that this film falls somewhere short of 'great', but it's certainly very good.

Rock Hudson's extraordinary good looks and charm are cast against type as he plays a school guidance counselor and football coach who picks a few choice plums among the student body on a regular basis. Seeing all those nubile young girls with skirts up to their hynies was temptation enough for anyone. The problem is that these girls want to take a permanent lease out on him and he's already married to Barbara Leigh and has a little daughter. What choice is there before the scandal costs him his job, but kill these Pretty Maids All In A Row.

The unusual combination of Gene Roddenberry who wrote script and French director Roger Vadim, best known here on this side of the pond for Barbarella created Pretty Maids All In A Row, a black comedy that garnered a nice cult following. Hudson worked well playing his one and only villain on the big screen.

A secondary plot involves substitute teacher Angie Dickinson who Hudson gives a warm up to in preparation for his protégé young John David Carson nailing Dickinson. A little Tea And Sympathy sideline as Carson slowly discovers what his mentor is up to..

Roddy McDowall plays the clueless high school principal and Keenan Wynn the equally clueless sheriff. One who is not clueless is Telly Savalas who plays a Kojak like detective who suspicions that Hudson is the murderer but can't quite prove it. At the end of the film Savalas is totally convinced.

Hudson as serial killer might be jarring to his fans, but Rock does pull it off. An interesting alternative part for an actor who was far better than he was credited.