Diamonds Are Forever (1971)
Slumber Inc. Attendant: The stiff, ehm, the deceased back there... Your brother, Mr. Franks?
James Bond: Yes, it was.
Slumber Inc. Attendant: I got a brudder.
James Bond: Small world.
Mr. Wint: The scorpion.
Mr. Kidd: One of nature's finest killers, Mr. Wint.
Mr. Wint: One is never too old to learn from a master, Mr. Kidd.
[a couple of oil workers open a hatch down to the oil pipe, and James Bond comes up to their surprise]
James Bond: Thank you very much. I was just out walking my RAT and seem to have lost my way...
[while fumbling inside the pipeline, Bond sees a rat]
James Bond: Well, one of us smells like a tart's handkerchief.
James Bond: [sniffs] I'm afraid it's me. Sorry, old boy.
James Bond: Weren't you a blonde when I came in?
Tiffany Case: Could be.
James Bond: I tend to notice little things like that - whether a girl is a blonde or a brunette.
Tiffany Case: Which do you prefer?
James Bond: Well, as long as the collar and cuffs match.
Tiffany Case: We'll talk about that later.
[Bond tastes the Mouton Rothschild wine served]
James Bond: The wine is quite excellent. Although for such a grand meal I would have expected a claret.
Mr. Wint: But of course. Unfortunately our cellar is poorly stocked with clarets.
James Bond: Mouton Rothschild IS a claret. And, I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times - I've smelled a rat.
Blofeld: [to Bond, casually walking towards a large sharp object] Please don't get any foolish notions. that missile is not a practical weapon.
James Bond: [confronted with two Blofelds] Well, it's hardly worth the effort. After all, I wouldn't know which one of you to kill.
Blofeld: [Second one across bond from the first one] We appreciate your predicament, Mr. Bond
Blofeld: [First one] We deeply sympathize.
[Bond kicks cat, which immediately jumps to one of the two Blofelds. Bond draws his piton gun and shoots that one dead. The other Blofeld, the real one, cocks and levels a revolver at him. A second cat enters, chases away the first one, and goes to the real Blofeld]
Blofeld: Right idea, Mr. Bond...
James Bond: ...But wrong pussy.
[after sealing Bond in a coffin and conveying him into a crematorium's furnace]
Mr. Wint: Very moving.
Mr. Kidd: Heartwarming, Mr. Wint.
Mr. Wint: A glowing tribute, Mr. Kidd.
Sir Donald Munger: Tell me, Commander, how far does your expertise extend into the field of diamonds?
James Bond: Well, hardest substance found in nature, they cut glass, suggests marriage, I suppose it replaced the dog as the girl's best friend. That's about it.
M: Refreshing to hear that there is one subject you're not an expert on!
[Mr. Kidd spots Bond and Tiffany at the airplane. He returns to his seat]
Mr. Kidd: [to Mr. Wint] They're both aboard. I must say Miss Case seems quite attractive...
Mr. Kidd: ...for a lady.
[Mr. Wint glares at Mr. Kidd]
Mr. Kidd: Heh heh heh heh!
[Mr. Wint, unamused, still glares at Mr. Kidd]
James Bond: Good morning, gentlemen. ACME pollution inspection. We're cleaning up the world, we thought this was a suitable starting point.
Plenty O'Toole: Hi, I'm Plenty.
James Bond: But of course you are.
Plenty O'Toole: Plenty O'Toole.
James Bond: Named after your father perhaps?
[Plenty O'Toole is thrown out of the window by some goons perhaps from the 10th floor, and lands in the middle of the hotel's swimming pool]
James Bond: [looking down] Exceptionally fine shot.
Slumber Inc. Attendant: I didn't know there was a pool down there.
[Tiffany Case opens the door almost nude]
James Bond: That's quite a nice little nothing you're almost wearing. I approve.
Tiffany Case: I don't dress for the hired help. Let's see your passport, Franks.
[Bond gives her his passport. She looks it over]
Tiffany Case: Occupation: Transport Consultant? It's a little cute isn't it? I'll finish dressing.
James Bond: Oh, please don't, not on my account.
Felix Leiter: I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?
James Bond: Alimentary, Dr. Leiter...
Marie: Who are you?
James Bond: My name is Bond, James Bond.
Marie: Is there something I can do for you?
James Bond: Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. There's something I'd like you to get off your chest.
[Pulls off her bikini top and wraps it around her neck]
James Bond: Where is Ernst Stavro Blofeld? Speak up, darling, I can't hear you.
Tiffany Case: [reading Bond's ID card planted on the deceased Franks] My God! You just killed James Bond!
James Bond: Is that who it was? Well just goes to show, no one's indestructible.
[to Tiffany, as he turns the lights out and gets in bed with her]
James Bond: Presumably I'm the condemned man and obviously you're the hearty breakfast.
James Bond: Anyone seeing you in that outfit, Moneypenny, would most certainly be discouraged from leaving the country. What can I bring you back from Holland?
Miss Moneypenny: A diamond? In a ring?
James Bond: Would you settle for a tulip?
Miss Moneypenny: [Bond leaves; she sighs longingly] Yes!
[Bond sees Saxby gunned down after trying to assassinate Willard Whyte]
James Bond: Saxby!
Willard Whyte: BERT Saxby?
James Bond: Yeah.
Willard Whyte: Tell him he's fired!
Bambi: [seductively] I'm "Bambi."
Thumper: And I am "Thumper." Is there something we can do for you?
James Bond: I can think of several things, off hand...
James Bond: [playing craps] I'll take the full odds on the ten, two hundred on the hard way, the limit on all the numbers, two hundred and fifty on the eleven. Thank you very much.
Plenty O'Toole: Say, you played this game before.
James Bond: Just once.
James Bond: Tiffany Case? Definitely distinctive.
Tiffany Case: I was born there, on the first floor, while my mother was looking for a wedding ring.
James Bond: Well, I'm glad for your sake it wasn't Van Cleef & Arpels.
[James Bond is lucky with the dice while gambling]
Plenty O'Toole: You handle those cubes like a monkey handles coconuts.
[Plenty O'Toole is found face down in a swimming pool]
Tiffany Case: She's...
James Bond: Dead. Supposed to be you. The next link in the "pipeline".
Tiffany Case: What are you talking about?
James Bond: Poor Plenty must have stumbled in here looking for you.
Tiffany Case: I don't believe you!
James Bond: A dentist is dead in South Africa. That little old lady in Amsterdam. Shady got his last night. They've missed me once. And you're next. Now, who's your connection?
Tiffany Case: You sound like a cop to me...
James Bond: Who's your connection?
Tiffany Case: All I know, his voice is on a phone. They got me this place and told me to wait for further instructions.
James Bond: You'll find that rather difficult to hear underwater.
Tiffany Case: Oh, James.
James Bond: Oh, yes. What were you about to ask me?
Tiffany Case: James, how the hell do we get those diamonds down again?
James Bond: [Plenty O'Toole enters Bond's hotel room] Well, if you'd like to come in, Plenty.
Plenty O'Toole: Oh, how pretty, what a super place you have!
James Bond: Mmm...
[Plenty kisses him; Bond unzips her purple satin dress and it falls from her, leaving her almost completely naked except for her purple high heels and her transparent pink panties]
Plenty O'Toole: [holding up a finger, moving back] Just give me one second, lover.
[she walks into the bedroom]
James Bond: [Bond picks up her dress and tosses it onto a couch. He turns on a lamp and finds a goon pointing a gun at him] Good evening.
[other lights come on, revealing another goon, also pointing a gun at him]
James Bond: Well, I'm afraid you've caught me with more than my hands up.
Plenty O'Toole: [being forced out of the bedroom by a third goon, her arms folded across her chest protectively] Hey, what the hell is this? A pervert's convention or something?
[the other goons come over and pick her up, carrying her over to the window]
Plenty O'Toole: Now listen, you can't do this to me! Stop that! I've got friends in this town!
[she is thrown out of the window and lands in the pool]
Blofeld: Well go on, go on, it's merely a lift. Or should I say elevator? In any event I'm sure you'll find it far more convenient than mountaineering about outside the Whyte House.
Tiffany Case: [while Q is playing the slot machines, winning big every time] Hi there, Mr. Q. Are you having any luck?
Q: I'm being somewhat successful, thank you.
[as Bond, still incognito as Peter Franks, removes his underwear to seduce Tiffany]
Tiffany Case: Why, Peter, there's much more to you than I imagined!
Blofeld: [to Bond] As La Rochefoucauld observed, "humility is the worst form of conceit." I do hold the winning hand. Why don't you let me take you on a little tour of our facilities. Your chance to see the real tape once again.
Tiffany Case: Can I tag along Ernst?
Blofeld: I'd put something on over that bikini, first, my dear. I've come to far to have the aim of my crew affected by the sight of a pretty body.
Blofeld: The satellite is at present over... Kansas. Well, if we destroy Kansas the world may not hear about it for years. Perhaps New York, with all that smut and traffic... might give them a chance for a fresh start. Washington, DC. Perfect. Since we have not heard from them, *they* will hear from us.
Mr. Wint: Curious... how everyone who touches those diamonds seems to die.
[Bond has shoved a tape in the rear end of Tiffany's bikini bottom]
James Bond: Bitch. Your problems are all behind you now.
James Bond: Pity about your liver, sir. Unusually fine Solera. '51, I believe.
M: There is no year for sherry, 007.
James Bond: I was referring to the original vintage on which the sherry is based, sir. 1851, unmistakable.
Sir Donald Munger: Precisely.
Tiffany Case: Listen, you can drop me off at the next corner. This whole thing is getting a little out of hand. No regrets, but when you start stealing moon machines from Willard Whyte, GOOD bye and GOOD Luck!
James Bond: Just relax, I have a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
Tiffany Case: Is he married?
[after being pulled over by the sherriff]
Tiffany Case: [sarcastically] Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything.
James Bond: Unfortunately, so can Willard Whyte.
James Bond: [tossing Japanese man around] Where is he? I shan't ask you politely next time. Where is Blofeld?
Japanese man: Cai... Cai... Cairo!
James Bond: Surely, sir, there's no need to involve our section on a relatively simple smuggling matter.
M: Sir Donald has convinced the PM otherwise. May I remind you 007, that Blofeld is dead. Finished! The least we can expect from you now is a little *plain*, *solid*, *work*.
Tiffany Case: Darling, why are we suddenly staying in the Bridal Suite at the Whyte House?
James Bond: In order to form a more perfect union, sweetheart.
Blofeld: Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.
Willard Whyte: I see you've met my friends Bambi and Thumper
Tiffany Case: Keep leaning on that tooter, Charlie, and you're gonna get a shot in the mouth.
James Bond: Klaus Hergersheimer, checking radation badges... Klaus Hergersheimer... checking radiation badges?
Mr. Slumber: Mr. Franks? I'm Morton Slumber. Please accept my heartfelt condolences at this most difficult hour
James Bond: [as Peter Franks] Well, he is heading for a better world, Mr. Slumber. There's some consolation in that.
Mr. Slumber: Now then, if we're ready to begin the final journey...
[actives control panel]
Mr. Slumber: [Ethereal music rises, curtains part, and the casket travels on a short conveyer through a small hatchway into the cremation furnace]
Mr. Slumber: [cutting off music abruptly] Ah- May his soul rest in peace.
James Bond: Oh, yes... yes, Amen.
Mr. Slumber: Now if you would care to follow me into my comfortable office Mr. Franks, we will bring you the urn... Oh, I'm so happy you chose our Half-couch Hinge-panel Slumber-on Casket. I'm sure your brother would have appreciated it
James Bond: Oh, I'm sure he did.
[a knock on the door; Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd, posing as host and a steward, brings into the couple's suite a romantic dinner]
James Bond: [puzzled] There must be some mistake. I didn't order any...
Mr. Wint: No mistake, sir. On specific instructions and with the complements of Mr. Willard Whyte: Oysters Andaluz, Shashlik, Tidbits, Prime rib au jus, Salade Utopia...
[Mr. Kidd sets the timer for the bomb in the fake La Bombe Surprise]
Mr. Wint: ...and for dessert, the pièce de résistance...
[Mr. Kidd shows the fake dessert]
Mr. Wint: La Bombe Surprise.
Tiffany Case: Mmm! That's looks fantastic. What's in it?
Mr. Wint: Ah, but then there would be no surprise, Madame.
James Bond: Felix, if she gives your men the slip...
Felix Leiter: Relax, I've got upwards of 30 agents down there. A mouse with sneakers on couldn't get through.
Shady Tree: How do you like me so far? People say I have the body of Rock Hudson. If he ever finds out what I'm doin' to it - he'll be madder than hell.
Shady Tree: I tried to phone him. Trying to find Willard White is like trying to find a virgin in a maternity ward.
Las Vegas Sheriff: There goes that son of a bitchin' saboteur!
Felix Leiter: Miss Tiffany Case *Jones* has a lifetime reservation at another hotel - the kind the government - runs.
Tiffany Case: I cooperating, Mr. Leiter, really I am.
James Bond: Oh, I can vouch for that!
Agent: Mr. Whyte, phone call for you from Washington. Urgent.
Willard Whyte: I'll catch it in the john.
Blofeld: I'm so sorry to have ruined the line of your suit for nothing.
James Bond: Talking about lines, which one did you use on Miss Case?
Blofeld: Miss Case has taken a terribly *reasonable* attitude about all this. Like any sensible animal, she's only threatening when she's threatened.
Blofeld: Tiffany, my dear. We're showing a bit more *cheek* than usual, aren't we?
[Tiffany takes the cassette out from her bottom and hands it to Blofeld]
Blofeld: [to the guards] Take her below and lock her up with Mr. Bond.
[the guards take her to a cell]
Blofeld: What a pity, such nice cheeks too. If only they were brains.
[referring to the cassette]
Blofeld: Destroy this, Metz.
Sir Donald Munger: You have been on holiday, I understand. Relaxing, I hope?
James Bond: Oh, hardly relaxing, but most satisfying.
James Bond: What do you intend to do with those diamonds?
Blofeld: An excellent question. And one which will be hanging on the lips of the world quite soon. If I were to break the news to anyone it would be to you first, Mr Bond, you know that.
Blofeld: Good evening, Mr Bond.
James Bond: Blofeld?
Blofeld Double: Good evening, 007.
Blofeld: Double jeopardy, Mr Bond.
Blofeld Double: You killed my only other double, I'm afraid. After his death, volunteers were understandably... rather scarce.
Blofeld: Such a pity. All that time and energy wasted, simply to provide you with one mock, heroic moment.
Shady Tree: [to James Bond... whom, ironically, he has just rescued from Slumber Inc.'s crematorium] You dirty double-crossing limey-fink! Those goddamn diamonds are phonies!
James Bond: Now, don't tell me: You're St. Peter?
M: Star of South Africa. 83.5 carats rough. 47.5 carats cut. The Akbar Shah. 116 carats rough. Are you paying attention 007?
James Bond: The Akbar Shah. 116 carats rough.
Tiffany Case: [Bond, posing as Peter Franks, calling on an intercom] Yes?
James Bond: Franks, Peter Franks.
Tiffany Case: Come up, third floor.
Maxie: Well, that's it, pussycat. I shot the whole wad. What do you say? Back to my place?
Plenty O'Toole: You're a nice person, Maxie. Really, you are. Why don't you go and take a nap and I'll see you next year.
Tiffany Case: Sorry about your fulsome friend. I bet you really missed something.
James Bond: Well, the evening may not be a total loss, after all.
Tiffany Case: Why don't we talk a bit first.
James Bond: Well, what would like to talk about?
Tiffany Case: You pick a subject.
James Bond: Diamonds.
Sideshow Barker: Here, for the first time, see Zambora. Strangest girl ever born to live. She was captured near Nairobi, South Africa. And is believed to be of a cruel, inhuman experiment. This beautiful girl will be locked into a steel cage, right in front of your eyes, will change very slowly into a ferocious 450 pound gorilla.
James Bond: Nice place you have here. Take something off. Enjoy the sun.
Tiffany Case: You've got a lot of guts showing up here! After letting me freeze my behind off at a blackjack table for two hours waiting for some nonexistent diamonds! And what the hell is my black wig doing in the pool?
[underwater shot of a dead Plenty O'Toole]
Tiffany Case: [sober] She's...
James Bond: Dead. Supposed to be you. The next link in the pipeline.
James Bond: And, eh, that's all there is to it?
Thumper: Not quite. First, we're going to have a ball!
[Knees Bond in the crotch]
Dr Metz: What if they won't accept our ultimatum? What if they decide to attack?
Blofeld: Calm yourself, Metz. This farcical show of force was only to be expected. Great powers flexing their military muscles like so many impudent beach boys.
Blofeld: How disappointing. I was expecting one head of state, at the very least. Surely you haven't come to negotiate, Mr. Bond. Your pitiful little island hasn't even been threatened. Search him from his toe nails to the last follicle on his head and then bring him to me.
James Bond: It appears that you're holding all the aces - right down to the dragon lady, over here.
Blofeld: Jealousy? From you, Mr. Bond? I'm flattered.
Tiffany Case: [Felix Leiter of the CIA has just put them under lock and key in a luxurious hotel suite] Well, that's a switch.
James Bond: What's that?
Tiffany Case: The wolf being guarded by the three little pigs.