Nancy: Have you ever been to Denmark?
Fielding Mellish: I've been, yes... to the Vatican.
Nancy: The Vatican? The Vatican is in Rome.
Fielding Mellish: Well, they were doing so well in Rome that they opened one in Denmark.
Witness: I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a warm, wonderful human being.
Fielding Mellish: Uh, would the clerk read that statement back please?
Court Clerk: "I've known Fielding Mellish for years and he's a rotten, conniving, dishonest little rat."
Fielding Mellish: Ok, I just wanted to make sure you were getting it.
Judge: You're out of order!
Nancy: You're immature, Fielding.
Fielding Mellish: [whining] How am I immature?
Nancy: Well, emotionally, sexually, and intellectually.
Fielding Mellish: Yeah, but what other ways?
Fielding Mellish: I object, your honor! This trial is a travesty. It's a travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham.
Fielding Mellish: I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
Fielding Mellish: I love you, I love you.
Nancy: Oh, say it in French! Oh, please, say it in French!
Fielding Mellish: I don't know French.
Nancy: Oh, please... please!
Fielding Mellish: What about Hebrew?
Nancy: [disappointed] Oh.
Fielding Mellish: We fell in love. I fell in love - she just stood there.
Esposito: From this day on, the official language of San Marcos will be Swedish. Silence! In addition to that, all citizens will be required to change their underwear every half-hour. Underwear will be worn on the outside so we can check. Furthermore, all children under 16 years old are now... 16 years old!
Fielding Mellish: What's the Spanish word for straitjacket?
Diaz: And now, as is our annual custom, each citizen of San Marcos will come up here and present his Excellency with his weight in horse manure.
General Emilio M. Vargas: Horse manure? I thought they were diamonds.
Diaz: We are an agrarian country.
General Emilio M. Vargas: Yes, but horse...
Diaz: You will fertilize your personal crops. Sometimes food is more valuable than gold.
Fielding Mellish: Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?
Fielding Mellish: You busy tonight?
Norma: Some old friends are coming over. We're gonna show some pornographic movies.
Fielding Mellish: You need an usher?
Norma: Oh, you're cute. I'm busy.
Rebel Leader: You are accused of killing over a thousand people in your term of office... of torturing hundreds of women and children. How do you plead?
Diaz: Guilty... with an explanation.
Prosecutor: Tell the court why you think he is a traitor to this country.
Miss America: I think Mr. Mellish is a traitor to this country because his views are different from the views of the President and others of his kind. Differences of opinion should be tolerated, but *not* when they're too different. Then he becomes a subversive mother.
Fielding Mellish: I'm doing a sociological study on perversion. I'm up to Advanced Child Molesting.
Fielding Mellish: I love Eastern philosophy. It's... it's metaphysical, and redundant. Abortively pedantic.
Nancy: I know just what you mean!
Nancy: I was just saying to someone the other day that the Scandinavians seem to have such an instinctive feel for the human condition.
Fielding Mellish: That's very wise, you know. That's, I think, pithy.
Nancy: Oh, it was a - pithy. It had... great pith.
Fielding Mellish: Yeth. Pith.
Fielding Mellish: I move for a mistrial! Do you realize there's not a single homosexual on that jury?
Judge: Yes there is.
Fielding Mellish: Oh, really, which one? Is it the big guy at the end?
Howard Cosell: This is tremendous, Don, just tremendous. The atmosphere heavy, uncertain, overtones of ugliness. A reminder, in a way, of how it was in March of 1964 at Miami Beach when Clay met Liston for the first time and nobody was certain how it would turn out. The crowd is tense; they've been here since ten this morning. And... and I think I see... the door beginning to open. El Presidente may be coming out. The door opens. It's he... it's El Presidente waving at the crowd. A shot rings out! He turns... he runs back toward the building, trying to get in. This crowd is going wild. He's caught in a crossfire of bullets. And down! It's over! It's all over for El Presidente!
Esposito: [sings rebel song] Rebels are we, / Born to be free, / just like the fish in the sea!
[Note: the rebels in Sleeper, which Woody Allen made in 1973, sing the same song]
Nancy: Can... can you, like, define the meaning of love?
Fielding Mellish: What do you... define... it's love! I love you! I... I want you in a way of cherishing your... your... your totality and your otherness, and... and in the sense of a presence, and a being, and a whole coming and a going in a room with grapefruit, and... and love of a thing of nature in a sense of not wanting or being jealous of the thing that a person possesses.
Nancy: Do you have any gum?
Fielding Mellish: [At a fundraising dinner] I'm reminded tonight of the - of the farmer who had incestuous relations with both his daughters simultaneously and - No. It's the - it's the wrong crowd for this joke. Um.
Fielding Mellish: [getting off the plane in the USA disguised as the President of San Marcos]
The interpreter: [in English] I am Mr. Hernandez, the official interpreter!
Senator: Welcome to the United States.
The interpreter: [in English to Fielding] "Welcome to the United States."
Fielding Mellish: [in English] Thank you!
The interpreter: [to the Senator] "Thank you!"
Senator: Did you have a good flight?
The interpreter: [in English to Fielding] "Did you have a good flight?"
Fielding Mellish: [in English] Yes, I did!
The interpreter: [in English to the Senator] "Yes, I did!"
Senator: Well, we hope your stay in our country...
The interpreter: [English, to Fielding] "We hope your stay in our country..."
Senator: ...will be delightful!
The interpreter: [in English] "... will be delightful!"
Fielding Mellish: [in English] I am looking forward to it...
The interpreter: [to the Senator] "I am looking forward to it..."
Fielding Mellish: Ah, with great anticipation!
The interpreter: [to the Senator] "With great anticipation!"
The interpreter: [Two men in orderly uniforms and butterfly nets appear and attempt to drag the interpreter away]
Rebel Leader: In event of snake bite, you make an incision and you suck out the poison. Remember, you must *suck* out the poison. What do you do?
Rebel Soldier: Suck out the poison.
Rebel Soldier #2: Suck out - the poison.
Rebel Soldier #3: Suck out the poison.
Fielding Mellish: I will not, I cannot suck anybody's leg who I am not engaged to.
Snake Bite Lady: [running topless through the camp, clasping her breast] Snake bite! I got bitten by a snake! I got bitten by a snake! Help! Snake bite! Help!
[Fielding chases after her, followed by all the rebels]
Roger Grimsby: Good evening. I'm Roger Grimsby with the news at six. Today's top stories: The United States government brings charges against Fielding Mellish as a subversive impostor, New York garbage men are striking for a better class of garbage, and the National Rifle Association declares death a good thing.
Nancy: Have you ever read the "I Ching"?
Fielding Mellish: Not the actual Ching, itself. But, I've - I have dabbled in Kierkegaard.
Nancy: Oh, well, of course, he's Danish.
Fielding Mellish: Yes. He'd be the first to admit that.
Howard Cosell: I think we should leave the happy couple on that note. It's hard to tell what may happen in the future. But they may live happily ever after. Again, they may not. Be assured of this, though. Wherever the action is, we will be there with ABC's Wide World of Sports to cover it. Now, on behalf of Nancy and Fielding Mellish and all of the others who have made this possible, this is Howard Cosell thanking you for joining us and wishing you a most pleasant good night.
Fielding Mellish: You cannot bash in the head of an American citizen without written permission from the State Department.
Fielding Mellish: Just how long will it be until I can go back to New York?
Esposito: After we win the revolution, we are free.
Fielding Mellish: And when is the revolution?
Esposito: Six months.
Fielding Mellish: Six months? I got a rented car!
Fielding Mellish: I had a good relationship with my parents. They very rarely h-... I think they hit me once, actually, in my whole childhood. They, they, uh, started beating me on the 23rd of December in 1942, and stopped beating me in the late Spring of '44.
[Fielding is talking to a psychiatrist]
Fielding Mellish: I was a nervous child - I was a bed wetter. When I was younger, I, uh, I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself...
Nancy: I have to tell you something, and I don't know how to break it. Oh, Fielding...
Fielding Mellish: Why? Is something the matter? Am I... am I... Have you seen X-rays of me?
Nancy: I want to go and work with pygmies in Africa... and I want to work with lepers in a leper colony. I don't think that you...
Fielding Mellish: I'm willing to... No, that's perfectly OK. I love leprosy! If that's what you're asking me... I'm perfectly willing to... I like leprosy, I like cholera. I like all the major skin diseases.
Fielding Mellish: Jesus, life is so cruel!
[Fielding slams the locker door on his friend's fingers, who doubles over in pain]
Fielding Mellish: See what I mean?
[after Fielding Mellish is punched in the back of the neck by a stranger]
FBI Security: We missed him. We get most of them.
Esposito: You have a chance to die for freedom.
Fielding Mellish: Yes, well, freedom is wonderful. On the other hand, if you're dead, it's a tremendous drawback to your sex life.
Fielding Mellish: [nervously speaking at a fundraiser dinner, while posing as the San Marcos president] Although the United States is a very rich country, and San Marcos is a very poor one, there are a great many things we have to offer your country in return for aid. For instance, there... there are locusts. We have more locusts. There are locusts of all races and creeds. These, these locusts, incidentally, are available at popular prices. And so, by the way, are most of the women of San Marcos. Now then, despite the tiny size of our nation, few people realize that we lead the world in hernias. They also fail to realize that before Columbus discovered your country, he... he stopped in San Marcos and contracted a disease which today can be cured with one shot of penicillin.
[Fielding is eating with the rebels at their camp]
Fielding Mellish: What the hell is this stuff anyhow?
Rebel Soldier: Leezard.
Fielding Mellish: Nancy... you, think there's any possibility that maybe the two of us could get married?
Fielding Mellish: I mean, if you're gonna fool around with women's lib, you're gonna need somebody to support you.
Howard Cosell: Sir, you've been shot! When did you know it was all over?
Fielding Mellish: You don't have hostility to the male sex, do you?
Nancy: Oh, Women's Rights do not automatically mean castration.
[Fielding reacts with great pain, doubling over]
Fielding Mellish: Oooh, don't say that word! Now I've got to walk around like this for two days!
Nancy: Oh, I know! You know, I'm the same way on that word "appendicitis". Ooh.
Fielding Mellish: Oooh, but "castration"...!
Nancy: "Castration", "appendicitis", either one!
Nancy: Would you like to volunteer for the Volunteers for San Marcos?
Nancy: May I ask... what do you do?
Fielding Mellish: I'm a products tester for a large corporation. I make sure products are safe and practical. Today I tested an exercise machine, and an electrically warm toilet seat for cold days.
Don Dunphy: Good afternoon. Wide World of Sports is in the little republic of San Marcos where we're going to bring you a live, on the spot assassination. They're going to kill the president of this lovely Latin American country and replace him with a military dictatorship. And everybody is about as excited and tense as can be. The weather on this Sunday afternoon is perfect; and if you've just joined us, we've seen a series of colorful riots that started with the traditional bombing of the American embassy - a ritual as old as the city itself.
Fielding Mellish: I'm not suited to this job. Where do I come off testing products? Machines hate me. I should be working at a job that I have some kinda aptitude for, like donating sperm to an artificial insemination lab.
Fielding Mellish: I'm so depressed... I'd kill myself if I thought that she would marry me!
Howard Cosell: [after interviewing General Emilio M. Vargas] Well, you've heard it with your own eyes! Now we're going to have to see what the future brings. But right now, from the little dictatorship of San Marcos in Latin America, let's go back to Jim McLean in our studios in New York.
Magazine Store Cashier: Say, Ralph, how much is a copy of "Orgasm"?
Fielding Mellish: Just put 'em in a bag, will you?
Magazine Store Clerk: What?
Magazine Store Cashier: "Orgasm"! This man wants to buy a copy. How much is it?
Fielding Mellish: Is it possible to discuss that over dinner tomorrow night? It doesn't have to be tomorrow night, of course. I mean, I'm wide open for the next six years.
Nancy: Listen, why don't you take my phone number. Here. And call me on Saturday. Call me on Saturday. Okay.
[accidentally rips the paper she's writing on]
Nancy: It's those two pieces - right there. Bye.
Fielding Mellish: See you later.
Nancy: I may be bombing an office building, but, I'll find out.
Nancy: It has nothing to do with the fact that you're short. And it has nothing to do with the fact that you're not bright enough. And it has nothing to do the fact that your teeth are in bad shape.
Nancy: Something's missing, that's all.
Fielding Mellish: Well, what's missing? Can you be more specific. I mean, is the way I dress?
Nancy: The relationship isn't going anywhere.
Fielding Mellish: Well, where do you want it to go? I mean...
Nancy: Well, where could we get it to go?
Nancy: Well, then, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I just can't give.
Fielding Mellish: What do you mean you can't give? Then why don't you receive and I'll give.
Nancy: I'm not ready to receive.
Fielding Mellish: Well, then - then, you give and I'll receive.
Nancy: Well, I can't receive.
Fielding Mellish: You see, I'm a person who can only receive if another is giving.
Nancy: Well, I can't give. I'm sorry.
Fielding Mellish: But, if we each receive, it might work.
Nancy: Well, I can't receive. My trouble is I'm receiving and receiving and I'm only not able to give or to receive.
Fielding Mellish: But, I would like to give. If only you could receive.
Nancy: I can't receive. I don't know how I can help you. I really don't.
Fielding Mellish: See, if we both receive or both give...
Nancy: I told you! I can't receive and I can't give. It's not gonna work out.
Fielding Mellish: Oh, I got to get outta here. I'm going down to San Marcos. We were going to go down there together on a trip. We were going to write a paper on it. She was going to write it. I was going to type it.
Esposito: So, what do you think will happen, if you show your face, any place but here? He will cut your throat and bury you.
Fielding Mellish: Cut my throat? You realize what that will do to my gargling?
Esposito: History sometimes gives us strange ways. Today you are fearful. Perhaps one day, you will be a tiger.
Fielding Mellish: Well, don't hold your breath. If you ever need a squirrel, call me.
Fielding Mellish: Fellas, I don't wanna be President. You're making a big mistake. You gotta be smart to be a President. Let me be Vice President. That's - that's a real idiot's job.
Fielding Mellish: The Americans won't recognize us; because, they think we're Communists. The Communists won't recognize us; because, they think we're American puppets. The one person in the world who would recognize us was arrested yesterday on a morals charge.
Luis: We need money.
Sanchez: What is the chief export of San Marcos?
Fielding Mellish: Dysentery.
Luis: We grow bananas.
Fielding Mellish: Bananas. Bananas!
FBI Man #1: He has a history of subversive acts, demonstrations, and peace marches.
FBI Man #2: This man is attempting the overthrow of the United States Government from without - and within.
FBI Director: [Looking at a photo fo Fielding] Alright, let's pick him up. And throw the book at him! We'll make an example of this - hepcat!
Roger Grimsby: Fielding Mellish, the President of San Marcos, goes on trial tomorrow for fraud, inciting to riot, conspiracy to overthrow the government, and using the word thighs in mixed company.
Prosecutor: And you remember Fielding Mellish?
Policeman: He's got a record. He was always being picked up at one demonstration or another. He's a bad apple - a Commie! A New York Jewish Intellectual Communist Crackpot. I mean, I don't want to cast no aspersions.
Prosecutor: Your witness.
Fielding Mellish: Officer Dowd, have you ever had sexual relations with a girl with really big breasts?
Policeman: Yes, sir. I did.
Fielding Mellish: Hmm-hmm. And how did you find it?
Policeman: Very - erotic.
Fielding Mellish: I was just checking.
Howard Cosell: They approach one another cautiously. Nothing unique about that. Now, Mellish begins to make his moves - and so does Nancy. The two are working together, closely. The action growing more rigorous. It is swift, rhythmic, coordinated - what's that? A cut over Mellish's right eye. The doctor comes into examine the cut. No, it will not be stopped. It continues. I tell you, ladies and gentlemen, although you can see for yourselves, I have never seen action like this. That's it. It's over. It's all over! The marriage has been consummated! Nancy and Fielding Mellish, in their most real since, are now man and wife. And, if humanly possible, I'm gonna break through these fans to talk to the two. Excuse me. Excuse me. Nancy, I know that this is very personal, but, was it - everything you expected?
Nancy: Well, Howard, it all went by so fast. I just had no idea that it would be so quick. Really. I was expecting a longer bout.
Howard Cosell: No difficulties of any kind?
Nancy: Well, as you - as you know I'm extraordinarily ticklish. So, I had a kind of a little rough time there. I couldn't stop laughing and I - you know - I thought it'd get in my way; but, I really trained well for this and I think it sort of helped. So, there really wasn't any time that I didn't feel in complete control, you know.
Howard Cosell: How about you Fielding? I was concerned about that cut. I thought they might stop the action. Did you have that feeling?
Fielding Mellish: Yes, I was, Howard. I thought that - that I'd have to finish it up quickly; because, I thought the referee might come in and stop it. I knew I was leading at that point. And I was just hoping they'd let me go all the way. And I did.
Howard Cosell: No disappointments at all?
Nancy: Well, I had heard that he'd be in great, great shape. And I felt that he wasn't. That he could use a little seasoning and, you know, sort of, timing - the timing was a little off. But, I think he'll be fine. I mean he's not the worst I've had. Not the best! But, not the worst.
Howard Cosell: Are you offended by what Nancy just said, Fielding?
Fielding Mellish: Well, I'm not offended; but, I don't agree with it. I mean, I was in great shape. I thought I had her in real trouble with the right hand up early and I was in good form. My breathing was good. I've been training very hard for this. And I just gave a hundred per cent.
Howard Cosell: When do you anticipate your next bout?
Fielding Mellish: Well, I think we could probably do this again in the late Spring.
Nancy: In the late Spring?
Fielding Mellish: Well I think I'll be ready by the late Spring.
Nancy: As long as the late Spring?