Donald Sutherland: Hawkeye Pierce
Trapper John : Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce : I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John : It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce : She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce : Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns : Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce : No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest : What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John : Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest : Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce : Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns : Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce : Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce : Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest : What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John : Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye Pierce : [Hawkeye and Duke barge in] Henry, you've got to do something. We've stuck it out for a whole week now.
[to Duke, gesturing to Lt. Leslie]
Hawkeye Pierce : Pretty girl, ain't she?
Duke Forrest : Yeah. She's the type that really grows on ya.
Colonel Blake : Uh, what is it, men?
Hawkeye Pierce : That sky pilot. You have got to get him out of our tent.
Colonel Blake : YOUR tent?
Duke Forrest : Yeah get that nurse in there. She don't look like the type to keep you awake all night prayin'.
Colonel Blake : I've been in the Army a long time. I know what you fellas are trying to pull, but you're not going to push me around.
Hawkeye Pierce : Henry, not for the world would I push you around. But look there is one more thing: we need a chest cutter.
Duke Forrest : Yeah, we gotta get an A1 chest cutter in here right away, Henry, or we're gonna be in a hell of a lot of trouble.
Colonel Blake : Forget it. No MASH unit has a chest surgeon, and we're not about to get one. You guys are gonna have to go in to work early today.
Hawkeye Pierce : Boy, Henry, you work those kind of hours, you really need your rest, and you can't get it with a sky pilot jabbering to Heaven all night...
Colonel Blake : Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours.
Hawkeye Pierce : Henry, there is just one more thing...
Colonel Blake : I told you Major Burns will be out of your tent in 24 hours!
Hawkeye Pierce : A chest cutter.
Colonel Blake : Nope.
Colonel Blake : I'll try, damn it. You can't ask any more than that.
Colonel Blake : You men just passing through?
Duke Forrest : I was just enjoying that lovely dish there.
[Refferring to Lt. Dish]
Colonel Blake : Captain, you are speaking about a lieutenant in the United States Army. And I'm Colonel Blake.
Duke Forrest : Oh, Colonel. I'm Duke Forrest. Your new cutter. And that's my driver over there...
Hawkeye Pierce : Captain Hawkeye Pierce.
Colonel Blake : Captain Hawkeye Pierce. I got a TWX about you. It seems you stole a Jeep up at headquarters.
Hawkeye Pierce : Oh no no, no, sir, I did not steal a Jeep. No, it's, uh, right outside. Right there.
Colonel Blake : Oh, so it is. Captain Forrest, don't you know that when you report to your new duty station, you go to your commanding officer with a copy of your orders?
Duke Forrest : Uh, Captain... Pierce, is it? Captain Pierce and me have just been boozing all day and...
Colonel Blake : Good. Good. You've been working close to the front.
Duke Forrest : What color was her hair?
Trapper John : Black, shiny. Shiny black hair.
Duke Forrest : Black. You like black, huh? I'm kinda partial to blondes myself.
Hawkeye Pierce : I knew it. I knew you had a - - had an attraction for Hotlips Houlihan.
Trapper John : Hear, hear.
Duke Forrest : Go to Hell, Captain Pierce. You know I damn near puke every time I look at her. 'Sides, I'll bet she's not a real blond.
Hawkeye Pierce : How dare you say that about an officer of the United States Army, sir.
Duke Forrest : I'll not only say it, but I'll back it with twenty bucks, how's that?
Hawkeye Pierce : You have yourself a bet, sir.
Hawkeye Pierce : You're my witness.
Trapper John : I'll be a witness, but who's going to be the poor schmuck who finds out?
Duke Forrest : We... We gotta all see it together. Somehow.
Capt. Peterson : [hostile tone of voice] What are you two HOODLUMS doing in this hospital?
Hawkeye Pierce : Ma'am, we are surgeons and we are here to operate. We just waiting for a starting time. That's all.
Capt. Peterson : You can't even go near a patient until Col. Merrill says its ok and he's still out to lunch.
Trapper John : Look, mother, I want to go to work in one hour. We are the Pros from Dover and we figure to crack this kid's chest and get out to golf course before it gets dark. So you go find the gas-passer and you have him pre-medicate this patient. Then bring me the latest pictures on him. The ones we saw must be 48 hours old by now. Then call the kitchen and have them rustle us up some lunch.
[turns to Hakweye]
Trapper John : Ham and eggs will all right.
[turns back to Capt. Peterson]
Trapper John : Steak would be even better. And then give me at least ONE nurse who knows how to work in close without getting her tits in my way.
Capt. Peterson : [outraged] Oh!
[turns to leave and bumps into Nurse in Japan]
Capt. Peterson : Oh! Fool!
[stomps out of ward]
Nurse in Japan : How do you want your steak cooked?
Colonel Blake : We have our slight periods here, but when the action starts, you'll get more work in 12 hours than a civili...
Hawkeye Pierce : How many nurses do we have on the base, sir?
Colonel Blake : Seventeen.
Hawkeye Pierce : How many will be on my...?
Colonel Blake : Four... than a civilian surgeon has in a month.
Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body. And if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns is an idiot. He has flipped his wig, that he's out of his head, that he's a lousy surgeon.
Hotlips O'Houlihan : Oh on the contrary, I have observed. And Major Burns is not only a good technical surgeon, he is a good military surgeon. I have also noticed that nurses as well as enlisted men address you as "Hawkeye".
Hawkeye Pierce : Yes because that's my name, Hawkeye Pierce.
Hotlips O'Houlihan : Well that kind of informality is inconsistent with maximum efficiency in a military organization.
Hawkeye Pierce : Oh come off it, MAJOR! You put me right off my fresh fried lobster, do you realize that? I'm now going to go back to my bed, I'm going to put away the best part of a bottle of scotch... And under normal circumstances, you being normally what I would call a very attractive woman, I would have invited you back to share my little bed with me you might possibly have come. But you really put me off. I mean you... You're what we call a regular army clown.
Motor Pool Sergeant : [Hawkeye approaches a Jeep and sets his bag into it] What in the hell do you think you're doing?
Hawkeye Pierce : Huh? I was just - uh...
Motor Pool Sergeant : Just because you're a captain, don't think you run the joint. I run it.
Hawkeye Pierce : Yeah, all right, I'm just supposed to...
Motor Pool Sergeant : Yeah I know what you're supposed to do. Your driver will be with you shortly. He's having his coffee now.
Hawkeye Pierce : [whistles] Racist.
[Trapper has just opened a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer]
Hawkeye Pierce : I see you are a beer drinker, sir. Would you care for a martini?
Trapper John : A martini? Yeah, I'd love a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce : [to Ho-Jon] Ho-Jon, get the gentleman a martini.
Hawkeye Pierce : I'm sure you will find them satisfactory. They're quite dry.
[sips from his glass]
Trapper John : Don't you guys use olives?
Duke Forrest : Olives? Where in the hell do you think we are, man?
Hawkeye Pierce : We have had to make certain concessions for the war; we ARE three miles from the front line.
Trapper John : Yes, but you really can't savor a martini without an olive, you know.
[reaches into coat pocket and pulls out a jar of cocktail olives, while Hawkeye and Duke stare dumbfounded]
Trapper John : You see, otherwise, it just doesn't... quite... make it.
[he drops the olive into the glass on the last word]
Duke Forrest : [In O.R] I can't stop that bleeding down there.
Duke Forrest : Is that true what I hear about you? Get me a clamp. Get me a clamp.
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider : Captain Pierce, did you call me?
Hawkeye Pierce : No, I didn't, and my name is Hawkeye.
Duke Forrest : I can't really see it. It's like the Mississippi River down there. Doesn't feel like it's in one piece, I can tell you that much. It's gotta come out of there. Give me some more of that gauze.
Hawkeye Pierce : Nurse, you got a clamp?
Lt. Maria 'Dish' Schneider : Yes.
Hawkeye Pierce : Scratch my nose. A little harder.
Col. Wallace C. Merril : All right! I demand an explanation.
Hawkeye Pierce : Someone get that dirty old man out of this operating theater.
Col. Wallace C. Merril : [taken aback] Dirty old man? I'm Colonel Merrill.
Hawkeye Pierce : I don't care if you're Jack Armstrong, the All-American Boy. If this kid's chest gets infected, I will tell the congressman who did it.
Hawkeye Pierce : It's a good thing you have a nice body, nurse, otherwise they'd get rid of you quick.
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV : [in the middle of an operation] Who are you guys?
Hawkeye Pierce : [mock-British accent] I'm Dr. Jekyll, actually, and this is my friend, Mr. Hyde.
Trapper John : Grrrr!
Capt. Ezekiel Bradbury 'Me Lay' Marston IV : Why don't you save that rapier-like wit for the clam-diggers back home, Hawkeye?
[to Hot Lips, about Frank Burns]
Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns does not know his way around an operating theater, he does not know his way around a body, and if you will have observed anything, you will have observed that Major Frank Burns... is an idiot.
Trapper John : [In O.R] Dish, let me have a long needle holder.
Duke Forrest : [Mulcahy is performing the last rites on a casualty] Hey, Dago! Dago! Dago, I want you over here to hold this retraction. Now! Please, come on, now!
Father John Patrick 'Dago Red' Mulcahy : Sorry, I'm coming.
Hawkeye Pierce : Hi, Dago.
Duke Forrest : I'm sorry, Dago, but this man is still alive and that other man is dead, and that's a fact. Can you hold it with two fingers, Dago? Hell... Where the hell... Do ya see it?
Frank Burns : What's that?
Duke Forrest : That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce : Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns : I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce : Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest : I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce : I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns : I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest : Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce : [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest : No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
Painless : I wasn't gonna fool around out here because I got these three girls I'm engaged to back home.
Hawkeye Pierce : And you wanted to be faithful to them. Baby, you are 7,000 miles from home, you're...
Painless : Well anyway, I took her out and... And I failed.
Hawkeye Pierce : You mean she wouldn't put out for you, eh?
Painless : No, she wanted to in the worst way but it was me. I just couldn't.
Hawkeye Pierce : Oh you couldn't...?
Painless : No, it just wasn't happening...
Hawkeye Pierce : Duke?
Duke Forrest : [in the middle of a brain operation with Spearchucker] Uh... what is it?
Hawkeye Pierce : Henry's got our orders. We can go home.
Duke Forrest : Right now?
Spearchucker : Anytime! Whenever we want.
Spearchucker : [to Duke] You mind if we get out of this guy's brain first?
Colonel Blake : [In the mess tent. Hawkeye and Duke stroll in and help themselves] Who are those men? Friends of yours, Murrhardt?
Capt. Murrhardt : No, sir, first time I ever seen them.
Capt. Bandini : Maybe those are the replacements.
Colonel Blake : Oh don't be silly. We're expecting some real sharp surgeons.
Capt. Bandini : I guess they just got separated from their unit and are looking for something to eat.
Colonel Blake : They got a hell of a nerve coming in here, eating our food.
[Hawkeye and Duke sit down beside Lt. Dish]
Duke Forrest : [Sitting beside Lt. Dish, who is speaking to her friends] I think I'm in love. Uh,
Duke Forrest : Uh, you see, the truth is, Lieutenant, I don't have anything to do tonight. I just got in to town and, uh, well, I thought maybe you could show me around.
Hawkeye Pierce : Captain, I think if you will notice the lieutenant's beautiful hand, she is definitely married.
Colonel Blake : Well I'm the commanding officer and I'm going to get to the bottom of this.
Capt. Murrhardt : Boy, Bandini, they're eating in here because they want to.
Trapper John : But Hawkeye, that man has five times the man power to draw than we do.
Hawkeye Pierce : Sure, so we get ourselves a ringer, right? We get Henry to apply, making a specific application for a neurosurgeon. He asks for Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones.
Duke Forrest : Dr. Oliver Harmon Jones...
Trapper John : Oh... who is...
Duke Forrest : Who the hell is Oliver Harmon Jones?
Hawkeye Pierce : Better known as "Spearchucker" Jones.
Trapper John : He's a good ball player?
Duke Forrest : Oh yeah. He's that nigra that played for the 49ers. He's good. He's GOOD.
Hawkeye Pierce : I know how we can make some money. We leave him...
[points to Spearchucker]
Hawkeye Pierce : out of the first half of the game, we bet half our money, they roll up some points. Now, second half of the game, we stick him in, we bet the other half of our money, we get odds from them, we clean up.
Colonel Blake : That's very good thinking, Captain.
Hawkeye Pierce : He won't commit suicide, he's just gonna try.