Robert Duvall: Maj. Frank Burns
Trapper John : Well, what's the matter with her today?
Hawkeye Pierce : I don't know, I think it's one of those ladies' things.
Trapper John : It's not like her to act like this. She's a bitch, look at my new flannel coat. She's going to have a nervous breakdown.
Hawkeye Pierce : She can't even get out of the door, look.
[Hawkeye sits down with Frank]
Hawkeye Pierce : Morning, Frank. Heard from your wife? A bunch of the boys asked me to, uh, ask you, Frank, what Hot Lips was like in the sack. You know, was she...
Frank Burns : Mind your own business.
Hawkeye Pierce : No Frank, you know, is she better than self-abuse? Does that- does that big ass of hers move around a lot, Frank or does it sort of lie there flaccid? What would you say about that?
Duke Forrest : What's Going on over there, is he getting pointers or something?
Trapper John : Oh no, Hawkeye's trying to get him on an appearance tour.
Duke Forrest : Ohhhh, is that a fact?
Hawkeye Pierce : Would you say that she was a moaner, Frank? Seriously Frank. I mean, does she go "ooooh" or does she lie there quiet and not do anything at all?
Frank Burns : Keep your filthy mouth to yourself.
Hawkeye Pierce : Or does she go "uh-uh-uh"?
[Frank leaps over the table and attacks Hawkeye]
Hawkeye Pierce : Get him off me! I've got glasses. Get him off me!
Duke Forrest : What's going on, Frank? That lesson one?
Hawkeye Pierce : Frank Burns has gone nuts! I'm wearing glasses, for God's sake!
Trapper John : Watch out for your goodies, Hawkeye! That man is a sex maniac; I don't think Hot Lips satisfied him. Don't let him kiss you, Hawkeye!
Duke Forrest : What's this here?
Frank Burns : This is Ho-Jon, one of our mess hall boys. I'm teaching him how to read.
Duke Forrest : Oh, is that right? You reading the Bible, huh? That's nice. Look, I'll tell you what, I got a book here. It's got alot of pictures in it.
[Gives Ho Jon a nudie magazine]
Duke Forrest : I think it's easier to read when you look at pictures. A little adventure in pictures.
Ho-Jon : May I leave now, Major?
Frank Burns : Sure, Ho-Jon.
Frank Burns : What's that?
Duke Forrest : That's a martin-eye, Frank.
Hawkeye Pierce : Finest kind. We're training Ho Jon to be a bartender. Would you care to embribe, sir?
Frank Burns : I don't drink.
Hawkeye Pierce : Jesus Christ, I think he means it.
Duke Forrest : I think we've been had, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye Pierce : I think you're right, babe.
Frank Burns : I don't think it's right to involve a boy who's not seventeen years old yet.
Duke Forrest : Hey you make a mean martini there, Ho Jon. You keep it up, you hear?
Hawkeye Pierce : [Frank begins praying] You ever catch this syndrome before, babe?
Duke Forrest : No, not with anyone beyond the age of eight years old, I haven't.
Trapper John : Finished work for the day?
Frank Burns : Yes. Why?
Trapper John : Good. I was hoping you'd have time tonight to sleep this off.
[Trapper punches Burns to the floor and injures his hand just as Colonel Blake and Hotlips walk in]
Trapper John : [in pain] Ow! Damn! Son of a bitch!
Colonel Blake : Trapper! Captain McIntyre! What the hell?
Hotlips O'Houlihan : [incredulous] That's a *captain*?
Colonel Blake : What happened? Who started this?
Trapper John : I hit him! He's an ignoramus, that knucklehead!
Frank Burns : He wouldn't have touched me if I had my guard up.