Dean Martin: Vernon Demerest
[the precocious nerd figures out they're turning around]
Mrs. Schultz : Captain, our son has a question. Schuyler, here's our captain.
Schuyler Schultz : [pointing out the window] Before, Virgo and Leo were right there, sir. Now I'm beginning to see Ursa Minor and Cassiopeia. We MUST be turning around.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : You have a young navigator here! Well, I'll tell you son... Due to a Cetcil wind, Dystor's vectored us into a 360-tarson of slow air traffic. Now we'll maintain this Borden hold until we get the Forta Magnus clearance from Melnics.
Schuyler Schultz : Oh... yes... of course!
Mr. Schultz : What did he mean by that, son?
Schuyler Schultz : Never mind, father, I'll tell you later.
[an elderly woman walks by carrying her luggage]
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Hey, now, that's a good idea, Mel. Using little old ladies for skycaps. You keep that up. You're doing a good job.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest : [after Vernon leaves] For my sake, be patient with him.
Mel Bakersfeld : How you can live with that overage juvenile delinquent, I'll never know.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest : There's just the two of us. If I left him, what would I have?
Mel Bakersfeld : Would you have any more if he decided to leave you?
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest : He won't. The moment a girl gets too serious, he waves his wedding ring like a flag. I'm his disaster insurance.
Mel Bakersfeld : More like group insurance!
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest : Thanks for caring, Mel. Don't worry. Someday he'll come home for some other reason than to just change his clothes.
Mel Bakersfeld : Well, I hope so.
Lincoln Tower : Mobil 1. Ground Control.
Mel Bakersfeld : Yes Doug. This is Mel.
Lincoln Tower : Cleveland just handed off flight two to Chicago Center. The transmissions from the aircraft aren't exactly regulation. The captain's blowing a fuse.
Mel Bakersfeld : I'd like to monitor. What's the frequency?
Lincoln Tower : 117.1.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : We need answers! Not questions. Are you guys sleeping down there? Why aren't we getting any action? We need help!
Chicago Center : Global 2. This is the Chicago Center watch supervisor. Please understand we're doing everything we can. We're holding other traffic and giving you priority. What type of approach do you wish?
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Chicago Supervisor listen carefully! Any approach is no damn good if it lands on runway 2-2. We need 2-niner. We've got an unservicable stabilizer trim. Doubtful rudder control and structural damage. If we're brought in on 2-2 there'll be a broken airplane and a lot of dead people. So you call Lincoln, mister, and turn the screws and tell that Lincoln airport manager to get off his penguin butt and clear that runway!
Mel Bakersfeld : Snowdesk, Mobil 1. Danny, listen carefully. Break the conga line. Send the heavy plows across to runway 2-niner. They're to head for stuck airplane and to wait instruction.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : You better get this thing out of here 'cause I'm not taking off on 2-2.
Mel Bakersfeld : You'll use what's available!
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Well, if it's 2-2, I'm not using noise abatement and I'm not cutting back on power over those houses. So unless you want a big fat bill for cracked plaster and broken dishes, you'd better move this thing!
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Sitting behind that desk made you think like a bookkeeper.
Mel Bakersfeld : I didn't always fly a desk.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Well all right, Daddy. Now you tell me about when you were a war hero. You flew those pursuit jobs you could land in a parking lot. But when I'm setting down over 200,000 pounds of 707, I want something under my wheels that's plenty long and mighty dry.
Gwen Meighen : Vern, we just don't have time.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : But I have a cab waiting downstairs and we can make the airport in fifteen minutes. Now the driver doesn't mind waiting. His meter's running and so is mine.
Gwen Meighen : But I've got to finish packing.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : You get me up to full throttle then throw me into reverse. You could damage my engine that way.
Gwen Meighen : Look, we'll be in Rome tomorrow, we'll have three days. Try a little patience.
Capt. Vernon Demerest : Or a cold shower.
Gwen Meighen : Think about something else.
Cy Jordan : [a stewardess sees the captain, Anson Harris, put on an oxygen mask as co-captain Vernon Demerest is about to exit the cockpit in flight. She taps second officer Cy Jordan on the shoulder and motions toward the pilot] "Oh, he has fainting spells. So when he feels one coming on he takes a whiff of oxygen. Sometimes it helps."
Capt. Vernon Demerest : [Stewardess leaves looking concerned. Caption Demerest follows her] "Don't let him kid you. It's an FAA regulation. Over 25,000, if one of us leaves the flight deck, the other one must go on oxygen. It's just a precaution."