The Partridge Family (1970–1974)
Danny: I've been a kid, and I've been an adult. And believe me, adultery isn't what it's cracked up to be.
Danny: ...Keith, that's the meanest, rottenest and dirtiest trick anyone can play on his sister. No wonder you're my idol.
Tracy Partridge: ...It's not fair. I yelled dibbies on the bed.
Laurie Partridge: Tracy has a point, Mom. Seems to me that we should all get a chance to vote. After all, this is a democracy.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, I certainly don't want to be undemocratic. So, I vote for the bed; and since you two are too young to vote, I win.
Danny: You can't blame me. I'm just a kid.
Reuben Kincaid: No, you're not. You're a midget in a kid suit.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, it's your turn to say grace.
Tracy Partridge: Dear Lord, thank you for our food, and please get Keith a date.
Reuben Kincaid: Danny, if you'd like to go to the beach with me, I'll let you swim in the riptide.
Danny: Riptides are dangerous.
Reuben Kincaid: Aw, who told you that?
Danny: I guess every family has to have a black sheep. I always thought ours was Keith.
Laurie Partridge: Keith, don't you ever knock before coming into a person's room?
Keith: You're not a person, you're my sister.
Tracy Partridge: ...If six ducks are on a pond and three more ducks land on the pond, what would you have?
Danny: Several hundred duck hunters.
Reuben Kincaid: What do eleven-year-olds do on a date?
Keith: I don't know. They can't neck, Danny doesn't have one.
Reuben Kincaid: Wish I'd said that.
Keith: Mmmm. Glad I did.
Laurie Partridge: Every daughter wants her mother to marry a doctor.
Reuben Kincaid: ...You can read about it when I write my memoirs, "The Thrilling Adventures of Reuben Kincaid"!
Laurie Partridge: It'll be a thin book.
Danny: It's not normal for kids to be quiet. I might end up maladjusted.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Whatever gave you the idea you could operate your own Lonely Hearts Club?
Danny: I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. What you said is, "Reuben needs a wife."
Reuben Kincaid: I need a *what*?
Tracy Partridge: I told them to get you a goldfish, but they wouldn't listen.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Kids your age tend to fall in love very easily, sometimes even give up other relationships for what they think is love. Now I know you think you're in love with Laurie, but love at your age can pass just as quickly as it came, and your relationship as brothers is too much to give up for what could be a passing crush. What I'm trying to say is: what you think now will last forever, probably won't; what you're *sacrificing* *will*... You have no idea what I'm trying to say, do you?
Keith: You know, I wish you'd read the story of Evel Knievel.
Danny: Why's that?
Keith: Well, then maybe you might go take a flying leap.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: There's no sense in waiting up. Laurie's in good hands.
Danny: That's what I'm afraid of.
Keith: ...I wouldn't worry about him. He's an archaeologist. He can always dig up a girl.
Reuben Kincaid: Free speech is great, until it's someone else speaking.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, kids, how do you like performing in an amusement park?
Danny: Great! But it would be *perfect* if cotton candy was deductible.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Honey, I'm curious about something. It's purely hypothetical, of course. But suppose a boy were very interested in you when you weren't interested in him. How do you...
Laurie Partridge: Get rid of Bernie?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, it has been a while since I've done that kind of thing.
Laurie Partridge: Well, you could start off by mentioning that you two have absolutely nothing in common.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: That's right. We don't.
Laurie Partridge: Then you can tell him that you're a very independent woman. You know, a loner.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: A loner? With five kids?
Laurie Partridge: Those are my two best ones, Mom.
Reuben Kincaid: ...The army hasn't admitted making a mistake since 1952.
Danny: What happened in 1952?
Reuben Kincaid: They drafted me.
Danny: ...Don't you think one genius in the family is enough?
Keith: Who might that be?
Danny: Modesty prevents me from stating the obvious.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny...!
Danny: Well, at least I know my limitations. All I want to be is Howard Hughes.
Keith: Then why don't you disappear?
Danny: I refuse to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: ...Here's my compass. It doesn't work, though. It always points in the same direction.
Laurie Partridge: ...You know, there's one good thing about being paranoid: You're always the center of attention.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...I appreciate your volunteering to take the kids to the beach, but it just doesn't sound like you.
Keith: I've been thinking: since I'm the eldest male, I have a lot of influence on them. Besides, I'm old enough to accept my responsibilities and give them the kind of leadership they need.
Reuben Kincaid: Keith, have you been talking to a Marine recruiter?
Keith: ...I think the whole thing taught me a lesson.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: What's that?
Keith: I don't know yet. But there must be a lesson in there somewhere for all this suffering.
Reuben Kincaid: ...I just can't believe it! Keith Partridge flunking sex education! Well, he and I finally have something in common.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Reuben, they didn't teach sex education when you went to high school.
Reuben Kincaid: Yeah, I know. But I flunked it anyway.
Reuben Kincaid: ...You have my word as a gentleman.
Danny: Thanks, but I'd rather have someone watching you.
Mrs. Applebaum: You have *five* children?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: That's right.
Mrs. Applebaum: [to her son Bernie, who is dating Shirley] And you knew this?
[he nods. Mrs. Applebaum pauses]
Mrs. Applebaum: Well, I guess it's good for taxes.
Danny: [Keith and Danny are waiting for Laurie to come home from a date with a minister. She enters the front door] Well?
Laurie Partridge: Well, what?
Keith: Tell us what a minister does on a date!
Danny: I bet he took you to see the Ten Commandments.
Keith: No. Too racy.
Laurie Partridge: What makes you think we went to a movie?
Keith: C'mon, fill us in on the details.
Laurie Partridge: You really want to know where we went?
Laurie Partridge: Well, we couldn't decide on what movie to see, so... We went straight to Muldoon's Point.
[she goes upstairs]
Danny: I wonder how *he* explains lipstick on his collar?
Reuben Kincaid: [Reuben's car is stuck in deep sand on an American Indian Reservation. A group of men in full Indian dress and war paint appear on horseback] I don't suppose you gentlemen are from the Auto Club...?
Keith: [to Danny] No wonder you have red hair. Your brain is rusted!
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Danny, when will Keith be able to pay back the money he owes us?
Danny: If I have it my way, he'll be able to pay in about a year.
Keith: A year!
Danny: If Keith has it his way, we'll have to wait for the reading of his will.
Tracy Partridge: [referring to Danny] Where's the big typhoon?
Laurie Partridge: You mean *tycoon*.
Keith: A typhoon is a big wind.
Tracy Partridge: I know what I said!
Laurie Partridge: You know, it takes a warped mind to think of women as a hobby.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: I'd rather collect stamps.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Reuben, why is it you always manage to drop in when I bake an apple pie?
Tracy Partridge: He gives me a dime to tell him.
Reuben Kincaid: I hate to not-eat-and-run, but I gotta go.
Keith: Look, I just want to play music the best way I know how. Now is that wrong?
Reuben Kincaid: Danny, if you're ever thinking of running away from home, do it.
Laurie Partridge: When you're well-known, it's an opportunity to set a good example.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: In fact, it's an obligation.
Laurie Partridge: ...Are you saying my friends are ding-a-lings?
Keith: Not all of them. Only the ones I've met.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: C'mon, let's play a game, Mr. Kincaid.
Tracy Partridge: Yeah, let's play a game.
Reuben Kincaid: Okay, okay. Let's play a game called "Lost."
Danny: How do you play?
Reuben Kincaid: Well, I'll hide my eyes and you three kids run away from home - far and fast - and keep running until you're lost.
Tracy Partridge: Then what?
Reuben Kincaid: In three weeks, I'll come look for you. If I find you, I lose.
Tracy Partridge: What if you *don't* find us?
Reuben Kincaid: Well, then I win.
Keith: If man was supposed to sing in high places, he would have been born a soprano.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: I think it's wonderful the way this whole family pitches in to help.
Keith: You know, Mom... If you weren't always busy cleaning the house, you wouldn't be so tired.
Reuben Kincaid: ...You know, Shirley, I was thinking...
Danny: In Mr. Kincaid's case, that can be dangerous.
Danny: ...That's our Keith. Talented, handsome, and wishy-washy.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Let me explain something to you. I'm your mother, and in that way I'll always belong to all of you. But I'm also a woman. And even with five children whom I love very much, and who I know love me, there are times when I still feel lonely.
Laurie Partridge: ...Keith, if men like you had their own country, Hugh Hefner would be king.
Danny: ...A Partridge never forgets. I have a photographic mind.
Laurie Partridge: Sure you do; unfortunately, you always forget to load the film in it.
Keith: ...I'm not going to fight you, Goose. I'll fight you for something I believe in, but I'm not going to fight you just because you're ego's hurt. It's just not a good enough reason.
Reuben Kincaid: ...You know, we'll laugh about this in five or ten years - whenever we get out of prison.
Keith: ...I'm beginning to realize that responsibilities are something you have to assume gradually.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Well, you are a little young to be raising four kids.
Keith: I'm old enough to handle them, all right. It just doesn't leave enough time to do my homework.
Danny: ...Keith, we can't gamble with our family. They're worth a lot more than $156. Even Tracy.
Reuben Kincaid: ...Tell me, did your mother ever tell you not to play in traffic?
Danny: Of course.
Reuben Kincaid: Too bad.
Reuben Kincaid: Kincaid's Law: A dry client equals a broke manager.
Keith: [to Shirley] ... Look, you don't want to be a mother to a bunch of illiterate bums, do you?
Danny: He's right, Mom. Do you want Chris to pump gas all his life, and Tracy to wait on tables in some sleazy strip joint, while I work as a garbage collector... just because you were chicken?
Reuben Kincaid: [to Shirley] ... There is a good side to Danny getting his tonsils taken out: He may not be able to talk for days.
Laurie Partridge: ...Mom, if I get into any trouble I can always run for help. I don't need Keith to do it for me.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: ...Danny, there's more to life than taking bows.
Danny: Not when you're an egomaniac with grease paint in your blood.
Keith: ...Now that you've got a million dollars, what's the first thing you're going to do?
Keith: Besides that.
Danny: Invest it.
Keith: I think the first thing I'm going to do is charter a boat and sail to the Caribbean.
Danny: Great. I'll rent it to you.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: Why don't you buy a boat, Keith?
Danny: Because I bought it first.
Keith: What are you going to do, Chris?
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: Buy a catcher's mitt...
Keith: No wonder you're so short. You think small.
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #2: ...But then I'm going to buy the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Danny: I'm not selling.
Danny: ...Chris, Tracy, you'll both understand when you're my age... although *I'm* my age and *I* don't understand.
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: Tracy, don't put that drumstick up your nose!
Tracy Partridge: Why not?
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: You don't know where it's been!
Reuben Kincaid: Hey, kid. You want to be among friends?
Reuben Kincaid: Go stand in front of a bug light.
Reuben Kincaid: I don't know. You people have a live record date in two days and all I get is, "Rueben, he just walked in the door".
Reuben Kincaid: Why couldn't I take a nice SAFE job? Like milking cobras!
Keith: [on the warpath, to Danny] There you are, you red-headed hamburger!
Keith: Who could live without a car or a girlfriend?
Christopher "Chris" Partridge #1: I could, I do it all the time.
Reuben Kincaid: Now that I understand, I wish I didn't understand.
Keith: [the Partridge Family bus detours through the woods en route to their next gig. Danny takes Chris and Tracy for a walk. Tracy and Chris return sans Danny; both are covered with mud, and beaming excitedly] What happened to you guys? You're a mess!
Tracy Partridge: Danny found this great place to play!
Shirley Renfrew Partridge: And he didn't come back with you two? Where *is* Danny?
Danny: [off in the distance] HEEELP!
[That "great place to play" turns out to be a pool of quicksand]
Danny: Mom I've got something I need to tell you.
Keith: Don't tell me your leaving the group already.
Danny: Of Course not.
Keith: I told you not to tell me.
Keith: In this day and age, anything can happen. Love does not ask to see your I.D.
Laurie Partridge: All you guys think we're interested in is being cheerleaders or homecoming queens. And then, if we're real lucky, we can all grow up to be Playboy bunnies.
Danny: All's fair in love and Parcheesi.
Laurie Partridge: ...Well, to me love is total. It's a direct communication between two people. The key word is honesty.
Keith: Right. When you love someone you know you can trust them. That's another big part of it. Trust.
Laurie Partridge: Yes, but you have to earn that. You can't just take it.
Keith: Sure you can. Haven't you ever heard of stolen kisses?