The Goodies (1970–1982)
Tim: I do not want money. I do not want wealth. All I ask is that people humbly and honestly sink to their knees and worship me.
[the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
Tim: At least there's time to do the ironing.
[Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
Tim: Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
Graeme: The Muppets?
Tim: Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
Graeme: They're not real, you know!
Tim: Well, of course they're real!
Graeme: Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
Tim: If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
Graeme: Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
Tim: [suddenly disturbed] What?
Graeme: Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
[to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
Graeme: "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
Tim: Well she has GOT to be real.
Graeme: Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
[He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
Graeme: "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
Graeme: "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
[Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
Graeme: "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
[Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
Graeme: "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
[Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
Tim: [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
Graeme: [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I"...
[runs into the kitchen, screaming]
Graeme: I'll release his inhibitions through anger and violence! My life's work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
[Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
Graeme: You shouldn't have hit me with that! You'll ruin the cake!
Bill: Be fair, I think the GPO have got a very difficult job to do.
Tim: Yes, that's why they do it so badly.