The Phantom Tollbooth (1970) Poster

Mel Blanc: Officer Short Shrift, Dodecahedron, Demon of Insincerity


  • Officer Short Shrift : Where were you on the night of July 25th?

    Milo : July 25th? What's that got to do with it?

    Officer Short Shrift : Do with it? It's my birthday! Boys are always forgetting people's birthdays.

  • Officer Short Shrift : You'll find it quite pleasant down here.

    Milo : Isn't it a little dark?

    Officer Short Shrift : Of course it's dark. Dungeons are always dark. If they weren't, they wouldn't be so unpleasant.

  • The Dodecahedron : My sides are many, my angles aren't few. I'm the Dodecahedron, and who are you?

    Milo : What's a dodecahedron?

    Tock : If I'm remember correctly, a dodecahedron is a geometrical shape with twelve sides.

    The Dodecahedron : See for yourself. I only use one at a time. Saves wear and tear.

  • Milo : Look! You can't arrest me. I haven't been doing anything.

    Officer Short Shrift : Not doing anything, eh? You'll have to admit at your age that's a crime.

  • Officer Short Shrift : I should have known. It's you! Guilty of sowing confusion, upsetting the alphabet cards...

    Milo : Apple cart.

    Officer Short Shrift : Correcting an officer, wreaking havoc, mincing words, having a dog with an unauthorized alarm...

    [Tock barks at Short Shrift] 

    Officer Short Shrift : And illegal barking.

  • Demon of Insincerity : [offscreen]  Trapped ya didn't I? I'm the long-nosed, curly-haired, wide-mouthed, bow-legged big-footed monster! And if I do say so myself, I'm one of the most dreaded fiends in the whole, wide wilderness!

    [evil laugh] 

    Humbug : I-it sounds like we're doomed!

    Milo : Sounds is right. If there's one thing I've learned around here, it's that people aren't always what they say they are.

    Milo : [Milo climbs to the top of the hole] 

    Demon of Insincerity : With awful hideous me here, you wouldn't dare try to escape! Why I'll tear anyone apart that ever tries to get out of there!

    [Milo reaches the top and sees that the monster is a tiny, rat-like creature] 

    Demon of Insincerity : For I'm the long-nosed, curly-haired, wide-mouthed, thick-necked, broad-shouldered, round-bodied, short-armed bow-legged big-footed monster! One false move and I'll... I'll chew up the lot of you, I'll rip you to ribbons, uh, I'll shred you to hamburger... uh... Oh, actually I'm the demon of Insincerity. I don't mean what I say, I don't mean what I do, I'm just mean I guess. Now you had to go and spoil everything!

    [exits crying] 

    Humbug : Well, if he's typical of the monsters around here, we have nothing to worry about.

  • Word Salesman : Step right up! Fancy, best quality words right here! How about you young man? How 'bout a nice bagful of pronouns? Or maybe you'd like our special assortment of adjectives!

    Milo : [choosing 'Upholstery,' 'Flabbergast' and 'Quagmire']  Boy, wait till Ralph hears me use these. How much are these, sir?

    Word Salesman : [doubtful]  And were you thinking of using all of them in the same sentence?

    Milo : Why, yes sir.

    Word Salesman : Well, I'll tell you what lad, why don't you take a bagful of 'Happys' and 'Goods' to start with. Very useful for 'Happy birthday,' 'Happy New Year,' 'Happy days' and 'Happy-go-lucky!' Useful too for 'Good morning,' 'Good afternoon,' 'Good evening,' 'Good riddance,' and 'Good-bye!'

  • Officer Short Shrift : Now then, would you like a short sentence or a long sentence?

    Milo : Well, I suppose a short one, if I have a choice.

    Officer Short Shrift : How about "I am"? It's the shortest sentence I know.

    [Writes "I AM" on his pad and hands it to Milo] 

    Milo : It's very kind of you to give me... such a short sentence.

    Officer Short Shrift : And when do you think you can go to prison and start serving it?

    Milo : Serving it? I guess I can't, not until I get back from Dictionopolis and the Castle in the Air.


    Officer Short Shrift : The what in the what?

    Milo : Why, the Castle in the Air.


    Officer Short Shrift : [leaving]  Boys are guilty of everything! Guilty, guilty, guilty...

  • Officer Short Shrift : I hereby sentence you to six million years in prison!

    Milo : Six million years? But only a judge can pass a sentence.

    Officer Short Shrift : Well, then, I'm also the judge. Come now, and I'll take you to your cell.

    Milo : But you can't, I mean, only a jailer can take you to your cell.

    Officer Short Shrift : Good point! I'm also the jailer!

See also

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