Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974)
Carol Cleveland: Various, Nurse, Various Roles, First Lady, 'Happy Ending' Girl, 'Nude' Woman, 'Prejudice' Hostess, A.J.P. Taylor, Airline Stewardess, Airplane Hostess...
Carol Cleveland : But it's my only line!
Inspector Tiger : Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow. Introme tolose mylow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment.
[bangs himself on the head]
Inspector Tiger : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afried I must ask that no-one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.
All : Tiger?
Inspector Tiger : [jumps] Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. You Jane.
Inspector Tiger : Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself, I'm afraid I must ask that no-one leave the room.
Lady Velloper : Why not?
Inspector Tiger : Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no-one has left it. Therefore... the murderer must be somebody in this room.
Colonel Pickering : What body?
Inspector Tiger : Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the roombody. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the...
[takes a tablet]
Inspector Tiger : Albody me introbody albodyduce.
[a surgeon and two nurses enter with saws and lay Tiger down on the table. The same drawing room, one lobotomy later, Tiger's head is bandaged]
Surgeon : Now for Sir Gerald.
Inspector Tiger : That's better. Now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room.
[gives thumbs up to the surgeon]
Inspector Tiger : Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is... who?
Colonel Pickering : Look, there hasn't been a murder.
Inspector Tiger : No murder?
All : No.
Inspector Tiger : Oh, I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait.
Inspector Tiger : No, too simple, too clear cut.
[lights out, a scream, and a shot. Tiger is dead with a poison bottle in his hand, an arrow through his neck, and a bullet in his head]
Colonel Pickering : By jove, he was right!
Chief Superintendent Lookout : [Inspector Tiger has been murdered] This house is surrounded. I must ask that no-one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper : Lookout?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : [jumps] What, where? Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper : Why, what would we see?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper : What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Aha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one.
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Lookout of the Yard! Very good. Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights.
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Good. Now then, there was a scream, aaahhhhhhhhhh! Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
[a shot, lights on. Lookout has an arrow through his neck, poison in his lap, and bullet in his head]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistnat Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
All : Theresamanbehindyer?
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right, let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Policeman : Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall. Take the tablets Tigerbody.
[clapping from the others]
Policeman : Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself.
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Good, very good. Just sit down there. Right, now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream.
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Somebody shoots you...
[shoots constable point-blank]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : and the door opens...
Chief Constable Fire : Nobody move. I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All : Fire?
Chief Constable Fire : [jumps] Where? Where?