Singer: Don't be stupid, be a smarty. Come and join the Nazi party.
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?
Jury Foreman: We find the defendants incredibly guilty.
Roger De Bris: Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom: [to Max] What pun?
Max Bialystock: Shut up, he thinks he's witty.
Franz Liebkind: Hitler... there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in ONE afternoon! TWO coats!
Leo Bloom: [Searching for the sure-fire flop] ... Max, let's call it a night. It's two in the morning; I don't know what I'm reading anymore!
Max Bialystock: Read, read! We've got to find the worst play ever written!
[reads]
Max Bialystock: Ah. 'Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach.'
[thinks]
Max Bialystock: It's too good.
Leo Bloom: [later] ... Wait a minute... wait a minute - I've *read* this play. I'm reading plays I read this morning! I can't go on! It's too much! Max, let's face it; we'll never find it!
Max Bialystock: [laughing] ... O-ho, we'll never find it, huh? We'll never find it, huh? We'll never find it huh? We'll never find it huh? We'll never find it...
[singing]
Max Bialystock: Rio, Rio by the sea-o, Bialystock and Leo, oh me-oh, oh my...
[holding a script]
Max Bialystock: Leo, smell it! See it? Touch it, touch it...
Leo Bloom: What is it?
Max Bialystock: What is it! We've struck *gold*. Not fool's gold, but real gold! The Mother Lode. The mother lode! The mother of them all. Kiss it, kiss it!
[Leo does]
Leo Bloom: You found a flop?
Max Bialystock: A flop - that's putting it mildly! We've found a disaster, a catastrophe, an outrage! A guaranteed-to-close-in-one-night beauty! This is freedom from want forever. This is a house in the country! This is a Rolls-Royce and a Bentley! This is wine and women and song! And women!
Leo Bloom: [reading] ... 'Springtime For Hitler: A Gay Romp With Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden.' Wow...!
Max Bialystock: Wow! It's practically a love-letter to Hitler!
Leo Bloom: This won't run a week!
Max Bialystock: A week? Are you kidding? This play has got to close on *page four*!
Max Bialystock: You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect!
Roger De Bris: Will the dancing Hitlers please wait in the wings? We are only seeing singing Hitlers.
Lady: [during the Springtime for Hitler performance] Will you please, shut up!
Franz Liebkind: You shut up! You are the audience! I am the author! I OUTRANK you!
Max Bialystock: Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation.
Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Franz Liebkind: Not many people know it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.
Roger De Bris: What have you done, L.S.D.?
Lorenzo St. DuBois: About six months... but I'm on probation, so it's all good, baby!
Roger De Bris: No, I mean, what do you do best?
Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here. That's why they put me away, baby!
The landlord: He who signs a lease must pay rent. That's the law.
Max Bialystock: You miserable wretch! How dare you take the last penny out of a poor man's pocket?
The landlord: I have to. I'm a landlord.
Max Bialystock: [to God] Oh, Lord, hear my plea; destroy him! He maketh a blight on the land!
The landlord: [also to God] Don't listen to him; he's crazy.
Leo Bloom: Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.
Max Bialystock: Assume away.
Leo Bloom: It's very easy. You simply raise more money than you really need.
Max Bialystock: What do you mean?
Leo Bloom: Well you did it yourself, only you did it on a very small scale.
Max Bialystock: What did I do?
Leo Bloom: You raised $2,000 more than you needed to produce your last play.
Max Bialystock: So what? What did it get me? *I'm wearing a CARDBOARD BELT*!
Leo Bloom: Well, that's where you made your mistake: you didn't go all the way. You see, if you were a truly bold criminal, you could've raised a million.
Max Bialystock: But the play cost me only $60,000 to produce!
Leo Bloom: And how long did it run?
Max Bialystock: One night.
Leo Bloom: You see? You see what I'm trying to tell you? You could've raise a million dollars, put on your $60 thousand flop, and kept the rest.
Max Bialystock: But what if the play was a hit?
Leo Bloom: Well, then you'd go to jail. See, once the play's a hit you have to pay off all the backers, and with so many backers there could never be enough profits to go around. Get it?
Max Bialystock: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. A-ha! So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a sure-fire flop!
Leo Bloom: Our scheme? What scheme?
Max Bialystock: What scheme! Your scheme, you bloody little genius!
Leo Bloom: I meant no scheme. I merely posed a little academic accounting theory; it was just a thought.
Max Bialystock: Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts!
Max Bialystock: This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt!
Franz Liebkind: Baby! Baby!... Why does he say this "baby"? The Führer has never said "baby". I did not write, "baby". What is it with this, "baby"?
[singing as Hitler in the play]
Lorenzo St. DuBois: One and one's two/ Two and two's four/ I feel so bad 'cause I'm losin' the war!
Concierge: Who d'ya want?
Leo Bloom: I beg your pardon?
Concierge: Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge".
Max Bialystock: We are seeking Franz Liebkind.
Concierge: Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23.
Max Bialystock: Thank you...
Concierge: ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift?
Leo Bloom: We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam.
Concierge: I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"!
Drunk: Eternally grateful... A TOAST!
Max Bialystock: A TOAST!
Leo Bloom: A TOAST... to what?
Drunk: To... to toast, I love toast.
Max Bialystock: To toast.
Leo Bloom: To toast.
Max Bialystock: You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title!
[Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme]
Leo Bloom: Oh my God!
Max Bialystock: You mean "oops," don't you? Just say "oops" and get out!
Leo Bloom: ''stammering'' Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a
Max Bialystock: Not "Ah-a-a-a-a-a-a-a" Oops!
Leo Bloom: Oops!
[slams the door]
Franz Liebkind: [runs backstage to try to stop the play]
Stagehand: Hey, what can I do for you?
Franz Liebkind: You will please be unconscious.
[hits him on the head]
[performing in the play]
Doc Goebbels: Danke schön, mein Führer.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Hey, you're a German.
Doc Goebbels: We're all Germans.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: That's right.
[gasps]
Lorenzo St. DuBois: That means we CANNOT attack Germany.
Hold me, Touch me: And after that, we'll play, "The Abduction and the Cruel Rape of Lucretia", and I'll be Lucretia.
Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!
Hold me, Touch me: I heard the Count fired you this morning - watch the road, watch the road.
Max Bialystock: [stops making car noises] Oh, Countess, I can't take my eyes off you! How can I drive when you drive me mad? Mad!
[continues making car noises]
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, Rudolpho, you dirty pig!
[seriously]
Hold me, Touch me: Pull over.
Leo Bloom: My blanket! My blue blanket! Give me my blue blanket!
Max Bialystock: Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life, Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison... HEEELLP!
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [singing] And I give a flower to the big fat cop / He takes his club and he beats me up / I give a flower to the garbage man / He stuffs my girl in the garbage can / And I give it to the landlord when the rent comes 'round / He throws it in the toilet and he flush it down / It goes into the sewer / With the yuck runnin' through 'er / And it runs into the river that we drink / Hey, world, YOU STINK!
Franz Liebkind: Der Führer does not say, "Achtung, baby."
One of singers: I was born in Düsseldorf and that is why they call me Rolf !
Max Bialystock: Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work.
Leo Bloom: [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress.
Max Bialystock: No kidding.
Roger De Bris: Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume.
Carmen Giya: And we always win!
Roger De Bris: I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom?
Leo Bloom: ...Where do you keep your wallet?
Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom: Uh, I beg your pardon?
Ulla: Goddag på dig!
Leo Bloom: Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say?
Max Bialystock: They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!"
Max Bialystock: Thank you, I knew I could con you.
Franz Liebkind: Gentlemen. Ve have here a technical problem. Hmm? I do not know if vat ve have here is ze quick burning fuse or ze slow buring fuse. Ja, ja, I must find zis out.
[snips dynamite fuse]
Franz Liebkind: Zis is critical.
[lights fuse with match]
Franz Liebkind: Ha ha ha, ja ja, you see zis? You see zis here vat I have told you? Yeah, zis is an example of smartness here. I have said that zis is ze quick fuse. Huh? And zis IS ze quick fuse.
[pause]
All: THE QUICK FUSE!
[explosion]
Lorenzo St. DuBois: [after Goebbels throws a reefer into a vase, and a large explosion occurs] They try; man, how they try!
[Max Bialystock drops him to the floor]
Leo Bloom: Ooh, I fell on my keys!
Leo Bloom: [after a fight with Max] I'm sorry I called you "Fat, fat, fat".
Max Bialystock: Leo, he who hesitates is poor!
Max Bialystock: Who are you and why are you loitering in my hallway?
Leo Bloom: [is silent]
Max Bialystock: Well? Speak dummy! Speak!
Leo Bloom: [gapsing] ... can't... scared...
Max Bialystock: [reading post-show telegrams] ..."Congratulations with the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations! Hitler will run forever!"..."Congratulations... Congratulations... Congra-"
Roger De Bris: [bursts in with a tray of champagne and glasses] CONGRATULATIONS! Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an *avalanche*! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock: You lousy fruit - you ruined me!
[knocks the bottle and glasses away and advances on him]
Roger De Bris: You're crazy - He's gonna kill me! Call the police! Help! Murder!
[screams]
Roger De Bris: RAPE!
Carmen Giya: We're not alone!
Max Bialystock: That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
Max Bialystock: Don't you see, darling Bloom, glorious Bloom? It's so simple. STEP ONE: We find the worst play ever written, a surefire flop. STEP TWO: I raise a million bucks. Lots of little old ladies out there. STEP THREE: You go back to work on the books, two of them - one for the government, one for us. You can do it, Bloom; you're a wizard! STEP FOUR: We open on Broadway. And before you can say STEP FIVE, we *close* on Broadway! STEP SIX: We take our million bucks and fly to *Rio!*
Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land.
Max Bialystock: That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.
[on stage during the song]
All: Springtime for Hitler and Germany.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Lorenzo, baby. Lorenzo St. DuBois. But my friends call me L.S.D.
Hold me, Touch me: [locking the door to Max's office] Let's fool around.
Hold me, Touch me: Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: [pulling her into his office] Not in the hall!
Max Bialystock: Ulla! Go get car!
Ulla: Ja, ja! We go to motel?
Max Bialystock: No. I go with Mr. Bloom.
Ulla: You and Mr. Bloom go to motel?
Max Bialystock: No! Get car!
Ulla: Get car!
Max Bialystock: Money is honey! Money is honey!
[last lines]
Max Bialystock: Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night!
Max Bialystock: [smiling at Leo to calm him down] Well you know what they say, 'smile and the world smiles with you'
[looks at audience]
Max Bialystock: this man should be in a straight-jacket
Hold me, Touch me: Oh, hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: Thursday! Thursday!
Roger De Bris: Wait! This is a decision that could affect my entire life! I shall have to think about it.
[pauses for one second]
Roger De Bris: I'll do it.
Max Bialystock: Listen. Every night people are laughing at your beloved Fuhrer. Why?
Franz Liebkind: It's that L.S.D., und his verdampter "babies"!
Hold me, Touch me: Oh Bialy, Bialy, darling, did I hurt you?
Max Bialystock: It's only a flesh wound, lambchop.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: I would like to sing this song, it's about love, and hate. Psychedelically speaking I am talking about the power.
Roger De Bris: Just do what you do best.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: I can't do that here! That's why they put me away, man...
Roger De Bris: Oh, sing, sing!
Terrible Audition: A wandering Minstrel I, a thing of shreds...
Roger De Bris: Thankyou!
Terrible Audition: and patches. Do you want me to...
Roger De Bris: We're sorry!
Terrible Audition: YOU'RE sorry?
Max Bialystock: Ya know who I used to be ?
Hold me, Touch me: We'll do The Rape of Lucretia and I'll be Lucretia!
Max Bialystock: And I'll be Rape!
Leo Bloom: I would like to say something, your Honor. Not in my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock.
Judge: Proceed.
Leo Bloom: Your Honor, ladies and gentlemen of the jury - Max Bialystock is the most... selfish man I ever met in my life.
Max Bialystock: [whispering angrily] Don't help me!
Leo Bloom: Not only is he a liar, and a cheat, and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never, in a thousand years have dreamed of doing! But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, who has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... this man... No one ever called me 'Leo' before! I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten they used to call me 'Bloom!' I never sang a song before! I mean with someone else, I never sang a song with someone else before. This man... This man... this is a wonderful man! He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock, who made them feel young, and attractive, and wanted again? That's all I have to say.
[the court applauds enthusiastically]
Judge: [banging] Order, order.
Max Bialystock: [standing] And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson. And we'll never do it again.
[cut to Max and Leo in prison]
Max Bialystock: Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY!
[holding a gun to his head]
Franz Liebkind: Soon, I shall be with mein Führer... and Himmler. I'm coming to join you boys!
Ulla: [Sees Max and Leo and takes off dress] We make love?
Max Bialystock: No, we don't make love. Go to work.
[Ulla starts dancing to music on record player]
Leo Bloom: There, there.
Franz Liebkind: [crying] Where, where?
Leo Bloom: Hysterical attacks have a way of severely depleting one's blood sugar.
Max Bialystock: They certainly do... they certainly do!
Leo Bloom: Do you think he'll take the job?
Max Bialystock: ONLY if we ask him.
Lorenzo St. DuBois: Love Power! Talkin' 'bout Love Power! The Power of a Sweet Flower... is gonna rule the Earth!
[prances]
Lorenzo St. DuBois: And there'll be a Great Rebirth! Love is the Power that is mine...
Leo Bloom: You're going to jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Pompeia!
Max Bialystock: They come here, they all come here. How do they find me?
Max Bialystock: Pussycat!
