- Dan Rowan: [as the News of the Future anchor] Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989. There was dancing in the streets today as East Germany finally tore down the Berlin Wall. The joy was short-lived, however, as the wall was quickly replaced with a moat full of alligators.
- Dan Rowan: [as the News of the Future anchor] Item: Washington, DC, 1988. President Ronald Reagan today denied once again that he is a candidate for the office of Governor of California.
- Goldie Hawn: I don't see why there should be any question about capital punishment. I think everyone in the capital should be punished.
- Announcer: This show was prerecorded earlier, because it didn't make much sense to prerecorded it later.
- German Soldier: Very interesting, not very funny, but very interesting.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Post Office?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Spin the Bottle?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Doctor?
- [falls off the park bench]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me Cutie?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me Sweetie?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to call me an ambulance?
- [falls off the park bench]
- Richard M. Nixon: Sock it to *ME*?
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Do you believe in the hereafter?
- Gladys Ormphby: Of course I do!
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Well then you know what I'm here after!
- Ernestine, the telephone operator: And as a special favor, I'm enclosing our three-color brochure on phone etiquette. You might find it useful.
- Barbara Feldon: It's not the hawks and doves that I'm worried about... it's those cuckoos in Washington that want to make pigeons out of all of us.
- Alan Sues: Hey, Goldie, does the high cost of living bother you?
- Goldie Hawn: No, I live on the ground-floor apartment.
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a play?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a concert?
- [Gladys hits him]
- Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to go to a funeral?
- [falls off the park bench]
- Eileen: If they take the violence off TV, the kids won't have anything to watch on Saturday Morning.
- Cast: [repeated jingle] What's the news across the nation/We have got the information/in a way we hope will amuse - you - /We just love to give you our views/La da de da/Ladies and Gents, Laugh-In looks at the news!
- [repeated line]
- Dan Rowan: Hey, next week have we got a show...
- Dick Martin: I'd like to say something my mother once said.
- Dan Rowan: Now here's the man for whom the news wouldn't be the news without the news, Heeeere's Dicky.
- Guest Performer: [In a dressing room full of women's clothing] This must be The Flip Wilson Show.
- [Picks up brassiere]
- Guest Performer: I didn't know Flip wore a padded bra.
- Judy Carne: It's so silly getting all uptight with anxieties. I say just sit back, relax, and let your troubles go up in smoke.
- Milton Berle: The way some of the younger generation carries on, some people wish that they'd develop a birth control pill that was retroactive.
- Dick Martin: How do you get him to follow you?
- Dick Martin: Honey, just blow in his ear and he'll follow you anywhere.
- Dan Rowan: Hey, Goldie, would you ever go on a hunger strike?
- Goldie Hawn: No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet.
- Barbara Sharma: Miss Diller, what can a girl do about bad breath?
- Phyllis Diller: Keep your mouth shut.
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